OK be honest, AIBU to be upset that my parents have reneged on their offer to help me buy a house

[FeelSoUpset100]

I was living in Madrid in a rented apartment until 2 years ago with my xh. It's all over now. I am back living with my parents now in their house in Surrey. Truth be told, life is not bad. This is a lovely house and there is room for everybody. My daughters have a bedroom each, the garden is massive, my parents have paid for a new swing set which arrives in a couple of days, also a paddling pool, a trampoline. The children are content and should be able to start c of E school in september, my parents are stalwarts of the parish. So to speak.

When I was thinking about coming home, my parents said to me that when I got a job they would breach the gap between my deposit and what mortgage I would be given (probably not enough to buy a house anywhere near here). I a lump sum but I DO need their help. I have been out of the work place for a long time now.

Anyway this is the bit I want to know AIBU to be upset... my parents have now said they won't give me the money afterall. They say that the children are happy here and it's near the school and that it's their decision and I can't expect it, which is ALL true of course. But they told me they would give me the money! I am just so upset. I can't believe that I have spent the last year (mostly before I came home) and some time here believing that they would help me buy a small house or a flat. I am not looking for a huge amount of money, just the smallest amount possible to buy the smallest place that 3 people can live in. Two girls can go in together, which my parents say is not fair after they are now used to their own bedrooms. My parents are retired and have paid off their mortgage. They have this money and I know I can't demand that people give me money. But yet I am incredibly upset. Oh yes, and my parents have made comments about how I shouldn't 'break up the girls' home again'. But they think we are moving somewhere in time. They know that. Or they did know that.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my parents to give me money to buy a house so that we can move out of their house?

I feel like I am 17 again. I need their cash but they are stifling my independence. Except that I'm not independent because I need them.

Your parents are using emotional black mail to keep you there. It is nice for THEM, so they are withdrawing their offer to keep you there, in their home.

I would move out, even if that meant rented accommodation, as I just could not stand being manipulated like this.

They can only control you if you let them.

I should learn to read the ENTIRE thread before I post.

Some food for thought here. They are controlling me a bit yes, although they would be appalled and outraged by that suggestion.

BUT...... I benefit too, and I am not going to be out looking for a man. SO maybe I should just tolerate it for another few years until I have a bigger deposit and have had a raise. Actually, my job is too crappy, nobody would give me a mortgage right nOW. but in the future, with a bigger deposit i'm sure i'd get one.

I am sorry, but you are sounding a little parasitic.

What about Housing Association? Have you looked into that? Have you looked into another area?

If you are happy to stay at home- kinda sounds like you are- then I would sit down with them, say you are X amount of money short of what you need, that it will take you X amount of time to make it up and then you will be off.

YANBU to be upset.

Your parents clearly enjoy having you and the grand children there and don't want you to move. They are just going about it the wrong way.

You have £45,000 in the bank which is more than a lot of people so if you want to move out, you can afford too.

You won't get your dream house straight away. You will have to earn it.

Agree, your parents are trying to keep you with them.

Of course you have no right to expect this money.

However, you can say to them that you have enough saved up for a deposit for a house in as it's all you can afford. And that you begin househunting right away.

And because I am petty and they have been manipulative first if they complained I'd say "look, I'd love to live close to you, but you withdrew your offer to help me with the deposit, and this location is now all I can afford. It is your absolute right to withdraw your offer of help. But understand this. We ARE moving out."

Let them know that they don't have the power to keep you tied to them. And that it is up to YOU where your family (that's you and your kids btw!) live.

my name is down on some lists yes. Some options I have too much money, and some other options I don't have a regular permanent job..... But yes..... there are things that might eventually materialise. There are other things I'm looking into but they don't materialise overnight, and owning my own house outright would still be my first choice.

I gues the details are just details. The point is, I allowed my mind to wander to very nice places this last year.

Hecate, I think I'm going to have to start thinking further afield alright. One relocation in the last couple of years was enough really, btu I don't want to go crazy and murder my parents one night.

If I stand up to them, they kind of laugh, like I'm being a rude teenager. Very annoying. They never think 'oh, she might have point'. Tehy think, oh so cheeky and ungrateful just like when you were 17.

I don't think you sound spoiled either. You were offered something which has now been withdrawn. I think it's perfectly understandable that you are upset. It doesn't matter how much you have, etc.

It does sound as if they are keen to keep you and the girls with them and I can kind of understand this but it must feel like you've had the rug pulled from under you. You will have been thinking and dreaming of your own home and now you will have to either wait a bit longer and/or rent somewhere.

Perhaps your parents are hoping you'll stay with them until you have saved a much larger deposit and thus keeping you all together.

I don't have anything sensible to suggest except to say that YANBU.

Well, my part time job would hardly cover the milk bill to be honest.

I just spent the last year believing I was going to end up wiht one future, and now it's not going to turn out that way.

Thanks for your comments everybody.

YANBU for being upset if you've been promised something and it's not materialised. But your main beef here seems to be you're not independent. And your parents giving you money would make you independent how?

If you can get a mortgage of £145k, then you're not badly off, if you have savings of £45k then you can find yourself somewhere to buy. You'd be independent but less comfortable.

Or you could take their money (if it was on offer) and still be feeling like a teenager who's been bailed out.

It does very much sound as though you want all the home comforts and financial support your parents currently provide, but you want it in your own home. Have you considered asking them to move out, so you can enjoy it all in splendid isolation? I'm sure they could find room in the enormous garden for a small shed.

YABU.

You say you "don't want that much money" - but say you couldn't get anything for your 45k plus a mortgage of 145k. You poor love. Have a .

YANBU to be upset beccause they did offer and have now changed their minds on flimsy grounds.

I would wait until you get a permanent decent job and then look again at properties and in the meantime save like crazy. I wonder how upset they will be when you have to move a little further away to be able to afford a 2 bedroomed place!

yanbu for being irked at being led down the garden path over the last year. but what's done is done - either make plans to move out without their help, or stay there and save up more money, it's up to you.

Are you likely to get a permanant job in the near future? I think you have a couple of choices, stay until you have more income and then buy somewhere not too far from the school with whatever you have managed to save and a mortgage or start looking in cheaper, but further away, areas and hope that the offer to help will rematerialise when they realise you're serious. Register with estate agents in an area you can afford and bring back some details to get their opinion.

You can't live there forever, it would drive you nuts (I may be projecting a bit here as it would definitely drive me nuts). So you have to have a plan and a time limit for your own peace of mind (projecting again).

Thanks BelleDameSansMerci. Idon't want to seem like some whinger. But in the last 2 years have been dumped, divorced, relocated, and now .... what was keeping me going and making me feel that it was all still OK. Now that is not going to happen. But anyway, the girls are both healthy and happy and that is the main thing. Their father was a shit role model, so maybe they need to see their Granddad being a decent man for a few years. I don't know. My father is a real do-er. He'll tidy up, build things, cook things. Total opposite of their father. Maybe it is good for girls to see this for a while. A while, not forever.

Good lord. Are you ever planning on standing on your own two feet or do you need a man to look after you? (your husband/father)

Thanks for that Ladyintheradiator. This is part of my womaning up. I'm getting viewpoints here. When I first came back here I very upset over the marriage. Womaning up is definitely on teh agenda, but it's a work in progress!

My husband never looked after me, thats for sure.

your parents might have had a change in financial circumstances, they also have every right to withdraw their offer.
it does sound like they are manipulating you, but you have a lot to be grateful for (not just to them) and the finances to live independently.