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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OK be honest, AIBU to be upset that my parents have reneged on their offer to help me buy a house

211 replies

FeelSoUpset100 · 22/05/2010 20:35

I was living in Madrid in a rented apartment until 2 years ago with my xh. It's all over now. I am back living with my parents now in their house in Surrey. Truth be told, life is not bad. This is a lovely house and there is room for everybody. My daughters have a bedroom each, the garden is massive, my parents have paid for a new swing set which arrives in a couple of days, also a paddling pool, a trampoline. The children are content and should be able to start c of E school in september, my parents are stalwarts of the parish. So to speak.

When I was thinking about coming home, my parents said to me that when I got a job they would breach the gap between my deposit and what mortgage I would be given (probably not enough to buy a house anywhere near here). I a lump sum but I DO need their help. I have been out of the work place for a long time now.

Anyway this is the bit I want to know AIBU to be upset... my parents have now said they won't give me the money afterall. They say that the children are happy here and it's near the school and that it's their decision and I can't expect it, which is ALL true of course. But they told me they would give me the money! I am just so upset. I can't believe that I have spent the last year (mostly before I came home) and some time here believing that they would help me buy a small house or a flat. I am not looking for a huge amount of money, just the smallest amount possible to buy the smallest place that 3 people can live in. Two girls can go in together, which my parents say is not fair after they are now used to their own bedrooms. My parents are retired and have paid off their mortgage. They have this money and I know I can't demand that people give me money. But yet I am incredibly upset. Oh yes, and my parents have made comments about how I shouldn't 'break up the girls' home again'. But they think we are moving somewhere in time. They know that. Or they did know that.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my parents to give me money to buy a house so that we can move out of their house?

I feel like I am 17 again. I need their cash but they are stifling my independence. Except that I'm not independent because I need them.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelSoUpset100 · 22/05/2010 21:33

I haven't worked for a decade and I have no qualifications. I was lucky to get this job which is wiping people's arses.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelSoUpset100 · 22/05/2010 21:34

and the pay is what you'd expect. so if you think you could run a household for three on what I earn, you're the one who hasn't done the maths.

OP posts:
LadyintheRadiator · 22/05/2010 21:34

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thatsnotmymonkey · 22/05/2010 21:35

You would be entitled to substantial benefits, have you sorted that out?

LadyintheRadiator · 22/05/2010 21:35

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Tortington · 22/05/2010 21:35

god there are some real meanies on mn at the mo - and yes that's coming from me.

my mum GAVE me a house back in 1989 worth 18k ( yes you read right)

no paper work was signed or anything - afterall it was my mum - when i got married she moved out and said i could have the house - it was always going to be mine anyway ( only child)

she then renaged on that promise - and we moved out and bought our own place ( which is another story altogether)

ANYWAY - totally et why you are pissed off.

i don;t think the 45k has anything to do with anything - some people are pissed off you have that money and claim to have little choice ( understnadably) and i think a bit of there too.

I also agree that your parents have you and their grandchildren at home - howwonderful for them - why would they change it - ...................SOOOOOOOOOO, i would be mentioning - regularly about renting far far away....... see what they say

LadyintheRadiator · 22/05/2010 21:37

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Toughasoldboots · 22/05/2010 21:38

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tabouleh · 22/05/2010 21:38

LadyInTheRadiator

"You haven't said what your contract is or how many hours you do - when asked you say you're off!" = asking for details of specific circs (IMO)

or "demanding details" as you put it

OP - hope you saw my first post on this thread.

LadyintheRadiator · 22/05/2010 21:38

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HecateQueenOfWitches · 22/05/2010 21:39

Lady, I think what upset her was when you said "if this is even real, which I doubt."

I think that is the only thing that she was upset about, not the other stuff you were asking, just the bit where it seemed you were calling her a liar/troll/fantasist/piss taker

CarGirl · 22/05/2010 21:39

ermmmm benefits, if she rented she wouldn't get housing benefit due to savings, if she had a mortgage then she wouldn't get housing benefit either, possibly council tax benefit.

Err what else is there to claim?

thatsnotmymonkey · 22/05/2010 21:39

I think saying to your parents that you will move far away is game playing.

Your parents are the ones who are trying to manipulate the situation, don't start playing their game.

And, no I am not jealous, just a bit that the way out for the OP is contingent on money, when she seems to have a fair bit behind her.

LadyintheRadiator · 22/05/2010 21:39

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TheFatOwlOfTheRemove · 22/05/2010 21:39

No, because you were unkind to OP

I was reading the whole thread and it was quite startling the way you suddenly turned on her - great helpful thread until that happened

OP MIL did this to us (we weren't living with her, we were renting in horrible place and she offered us money for deposit)

I totally understand how it has made you feel, but my advice would be to make the best possible plan you can make to get OUT of there. The longer you leave it the harder it will be and the more grounds they will have for bleating about unsettling the children.

RunawayWife · 22/05/2010 21:40

Leave, rent somewhere, and stop them taking over your life and that of your children

LadyintheRadiator · 22/05/2010 21:41

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expatinscotland · 22/05/2010 21:41

Only read the OP. I'd love to live with my folks in a set up like that.

Or even my ILs.

We live in a flat and it sucks.

Living in a non-detached house sucks, too.

pooka · 22/05/2010 21:41

Of course the OP is aware that things could be a hell of a lot worse. She could have nowhere to live and no money.

IMO that knowledge does not in itself remove all ability to feel hurt/confused/perplexed/cross/whatever when an offer that was made (and not solicited) has been removed.

Of course is tempting to think that moving away to much cheaper area would be viable, but would indeed be incredibly daunting as a newly single mother of 2 who would then have no support network (and presumably no job either since would be relocating.

Also that would threaten the close relationship between the children and their grandparents.

So it really isn't a no-brainer or a simple thing to answer.

LadyintheRadiator · 22/05/2010 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFatOwlOfTheRemove · 22/05/2010 21:43

She did talk about it fgs, but on her terms not yours

and she told you to eff off because you were needlessly rude to her

I hope the OP can read the good advice in between the nonsense

thatsnotmymonkey · 22/05/2010 21:43

carrgirl which kind of begs the question, does the OP really have an impossible situation or not, financially speaking?

I think her parents have done a shitty thing and it would have me running for the hills, but she is there in a very comfortable setting where her kids are happy and provided for. It is really difficult, and OP FWIW, I think you could stay put for a while and get a better job and save more.

pooka · 22/05/2010 21:43

I must admit to momentarily thinking "ooh bliss" at the idea of moving in with my mum with the children. Oh to be nurtured.

But could become suffocating.

thatsnotmymonkey · 22/05/2010 21:45

FATOWL how are you doing? I posted on your other thread.

expatinscotland · 22/05/2010 21:46

Another thing, OP: these are uncertain economic times. With the Eurozone worries affecting markets, the UK economy/budget, cuts to be made.

Might be wise just to hang in there a bit and explore options at your leisure.

Like Morloth, I'm the wrong person to ask because I'd love to be able to live in a set up like that.