OK be honest, AIBU to be upset that my parents have reneged on their offer to help me buy a house

[FeelSoUpset100]

I was living in Madrid in a rented apartment until 2 years ago with my xh. It's all over now. I am back living with my parents now in their house in Surrey. Truth be told, life is not bad. This is a lovely house and there is room for everybody. My daughters have a bedroom each, the garden is massive, my parents have paid for a new swing set which arrives in a couple of days, also a paddling pool, a trampoline. The children are content and should be able to start c of E school in september, my parents are stalwarts of the parish. So to speak.

When I was thinking about coming home, my parents said to me that when I got a job they would breach the gap between my deposit and what mortgage I would be given (probably not enough to buy a house anywhere near here). I a lump sum but I DO need their help. I have been out of the work place for a long time now.

Anyway this is the bit I want to know AIBU to be upset... my parents have now said they won't give me the money afterall. They say that the children are happy here and it's near the school and that it's their decision and I can't expect it, which is ALL true of course. But they told me they would give me the money! I am just so upset. I can't believe that I have spent the last year (mostly before I came home) and some time here believing that they would help me buy a small house or a flat. I am not looking for a huge amount of money, just the smallest amount possible to buy the smallest place that 3 people can live in. Two girls can go in together, which my parents say is not fair after they are now used to their own bedrooms. My parents are retired and have paid off their mortgage. They have this money and I know I can't demand that people give me money. But yet I am incredibly upset. Oh yes, and my parents have made comments about how I shouldn't 'break up the girls' home again'. But they think we are moving somewhere in time. They know that. Or they did know that.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my parents to give me money to buy a house so that we can move out of their house?

I feel like I am 17 again. I need their cash but they are stifling my independence. Except that I'm not independent because I need them.

The thing is if she moves out and rents she will spent most money on rent and childcare.

2 years to get back to your feet after divorce is not that long, especially if you return to your country after years away, it can be very overwhelming.

OP, i would stay with a time limit-ie 2 years- and try to make the most of it. Either study and work part-time or work hard and save more.
Most lone parents who get stuck in benefits or jobs they hate do so because they cannot take risks. You are in a good position because you can take small risks. With free accomodation and free childcare the sky is your limit.

I would take 5k out of the 45k and use it to either get a very good qualification or work and double the 40k. If you choose the second route 5k is plenty to do a crush course, print leaflets and business cards, buy car or pc, whatever you might need and throw yourself into work and save. After 2 years you can buy a modest 2bed garden flat and make it a nice home.

Re your parents you are not mentioning if you have siblings.

Oh, and wrt benefits for lone parents, they are means-tested for a reason. £45K in savings and you, quite rightly, don't qualify for them. Because the taxpayer/state is not here to protect your savings by supporting you whilst you keep them. They are a last resort for people who have no money at all to support themselves.

Actually, anything over from £6,000-£16,000 in liquid assets means you're not entitled to benefits.

I agree with violethill, tbh.

Get a full-time job and go from there. Especially because your folks are willing to do childcare whilst you work.

I think the main problem is that you want to live near your parents, who live in a very expensive part of the country. This is for completely understandable reasons -- recently single, moved back to the UK from years abroad and scared about being lonely and isolated if you move away from your parents.

But seriously, for nearly a year I've been trying to sell a house that you could EASILY afford in a very posh and beautiful bit of Yorkshire, in a gorgeous and almost surreally friendly village within 20 minutes' easy commute of a major city, with two outstanding primary schools (one of them C of E) and in the catchment area of the best secondary school in the LEA. You have amazing options to find a really great, supportive and friendly place to live and work with your kids -- as long as you are prepared to bite the bullet and move a long way away from your parents.

Sounds like it would be good for all of you in the long run. The only thing holding you back is your fear of being lonely and unsupported, which is IME unfounded. (I moved to this village when I got divorced, knowing noone -- and it was the best thing I ever did.)

That's a really positive message beanlet.

I agree with you too - life is about moving forward, and not allowing yourself to be constrained by living in a particular place/in a particular type of house. FWIW I wouldn't be able to afford to live where I grew up - and I'm not divorced, so we have two incomes coming in... that's the reality of life isn't it? And it may be that my own children can't afford to live in the area they grew up, or perhaps move aways because of work, or purely out of choice. That's not a bad thing - it shows a healthy degree of independence. I think the OP has two clear choices:
stay put for a while, not with resentment towards her parents, but as a positive step to improve her employment potential. TBH, having no rent to pay and free childcare is an ideal basis for getting more qualifications or investing in the future (Laquitar's post on this was excellent)

OR

use the 45k to set up home independently somewhere more affordable.

I still think compared to most people in the aftermath of a marriage breakdown is relatively well off - she has savings, parents who are allowing her to live at virtually no expense, and two clear choices about where to head next.

How can she afford your house, beanlet, given that, if she moved up there, she'd have no job?

Move out.

You must.

They are stifling your independence. They are using the promise of money and its withdrawal to make parenting choices about your daughters - where they should live, what school they should attend, whether they should share a room.

It was, in many ways, foolish to accept their intial offer, but the housing market in the SE of England being what it is I can fully see why you did. Having it withdrawn after you have made decisions based on it is really not OK.

It's their money, but you don't promise somebody something and then refuse to back up your promise after they have put themselves in a position where they are depending on you to come through.

Move out and rent. Preferably quite far away from them.

I would do as follows: get a job, NOW. use the fact that you are working and not paying rent to save save save. put energy into earning money rather than anger at them

where is DH in all this?

Jesus, I wouldn't want to live with them. They sound horrible.

I don't think they sound horrible. I really think the reality is more complex than that. Imagine if they were to write a post:

"Two years ago our 35 year old dd said she was coming back to the UK with our two young grandchildren, with no job, no home etc. We took her in, have supported her in making a good life for the children, and now she wants to move out but we're worried it'll upset the children's stability" etc etc

There are two sides to every story. I think the parents were wrong to ever suggest paying towards the dd's house. She's a capable adult, with savings to boot. I think the dd is wrong for wanting to have her cake and eat it - she likes the big house and comfortable lifestyle paid for by other adults, but simultaneously wants to be treated as independent!

I doubt the parents are horrible to live with. The OP admits to being very comfortable and life being good. But she wants independence. That has to come at a price- she can't have it both ways.

I would love to live with my parents. Independence is overrated.

Financially things have changed a lot in the past year or two. Yes you're right to feel a bit upset about them removing their offer now you are under their roof. In some other circumstances I'd almost suggest they engineered it (girls having separate rooms for example, and then using that against a move to somewhere small).

Maybe they are thinking of a possible future where one goes into a care home and they don't want to lose their property to social services, so a family with school-age children living there would limit moves to evict one...
No, forget that suggestion!

Situation as far as mortgages is that you'd now need a massive deposit and then there's the risk of mortgage rates zooming up - and you'd have child care to consider on top, if you weren't really close to family.

I remember first getting a mortgage and having over 50% of my income swallowed up, and rates went up from 10% to around 14% (20 years ago, don't remember the actual figures but everyone felt it, and mortgage protection insurance came to the rescue when I lost my job, like many others - situation rotten even in IT 20 years ago wrt new jobs).

Not sure if you are even reading now, but while your immediate dreams were sparked by the offer from your parents, and your youngsters have it in the back of their minds about moving to somewhere of your own, it's got to go on hold for now.

Am not a great example (have been made bankrupt, and only have a roof over my head by chance, though 3 rooms have rain coming in) but seems like you need to give up some of the dream for now and perhaps go back into education so you can get a better paid job... perhaps after some other name change you can explore options for education / training and a brighter job prospect... and then some mortgage opportunities could be possible.

I know you've felt terribly upset, and hate being the 'youngster' whose views can be dismissed, but try to stick with it for 3-4 years and see how things change - if mortgage interest goes through the roof, you will honestly be glad you are still with your parents, while a proper career with financial independence has to be your aim so you can then be ready to move out, before your DC become teenagers and need to move schools.

Hard it will be, upset you may be, but you have had some turbulent times and try to see this is as a bit of calm before a storm ('teenagers' - even the word is dreaded by some!!) - anyway, good luck with all you do... never know, you might see a job that suits on MN in a year or two, for someone with sufficient IT skills to use a keyboard and mouse, and able to talk clearly... up for it?

violetl
"now she wants to move out but we're worried it'll upset the children's stability"

any parents who say that about their 30-something year old daughter have major control issues.

Also she didn't come home and land on their door looking for shelter - she came home partly based on their promise to help her buy a house.

Network

If the reason they withdrew the offer was a lack of money then that would be entirely fair enough.

But using money to control your adult daughter in the way that they are doing is horrible.

Yes, skidoodly, unpleasant using money to control, but, they could be remembering the situation re mortgage interest when she was a carefree teenager and they might have been quietly struggling... I just had to hunt down a bit of info on those rates after my post... See the Daily Mail 22 October 2003

"WE'VE learned to love low interest rates. Most mortgages cost less than 5.5%, credit cards charge around 15% and personal loans can be found for under 10%.

But if we returned to the Nineties, debt repayments would double. In 1990 mortgages cost typically 15.4%, credit cards charged around 30% and personal loans were twice today's rates. Last week, the Governor of the Bank of England warned that rates might rise over the next ten years. Liz Phillips asked three borrowers how they would cope with Nineties interest rates."

OK, in 2003, and being the DM, some figures were frightening for me...
a) couple with a farm and 65 acres in N Wales - 2003 3,198
Repayments 1990 rates: 6,424

b) young couple, both age 24, 2003: £1,080.
Repayments 1990: £2,188

c) another couple, 31+27, 125K interest only mortgage, 2003: £1,046.
Repayments 1990: £2,360

Boy, the parents sure are getting a pasting here!

If things were so bad, the OP wouldn't have stayed living with them for 2 years.

You can only be controlled by money if you let it.

Anyone who's 37 really ought to know that by now.

OP you have choices- plenty of them. Yes its unfair of your parents to change their mind about giving you the money however they have and you now need to deal with it.

You can either rent somewhere or move to an area where you will be able to afford a house and be independent and show your parents you are nobodys bitch.

OR you can whine and moan until you win the lottery and can buy the perfect house in the perfect location and have a load of staff to run your life for you negating you from taking any kind of responsibility as a grown up mother.

skidoodly - I'm not disagreeing with you in a way!

I think the parents do sound controlling, and if I were the OP I'd be out of there like a shot, using my savings to start living as an independent adult.

I was just pointing out that these situations are always quite complex. The dd presumably came back to the UK because she wanted something from them. It's hard to see how she'd have continued living abroad, with a broken marriage, no family network and not having worked for a decade!

In other words, both sides have used the other, in a sense, to get something they want - the dd wanted rent free living, free childcare, and a nice big house, the parents want control over aspects of their dd and grandchildren's lives. Things have come to a head, and the OP needs to decide how to move things forward. The whole story really sums up why it's so important to raise our children to be independent. It's perfectly possible (and desirable) to support our children emotionally and to a certain extent in practical ways without it becoming an unhealthily co-dependent relationship where there are conditions attached to everything.

violet

yes, I agree with you entirely on that.

RedRed is right too - it's time to take action based on the new information.

I would also caution OP that even if the parents change their mind about the money once they know she is going to move regardless she should refuse it.

Good on beanlet for trying to sell her house to the OP! You gotta do what you gotta do, these days! It does sound lovely beanlet!

Tbh I don't think the parents sound all that awful, it sounds to me that maybe having their dd and dgds around has given them a new lease of life and they are loving it!

OP YANBU to be upset that they have withdrawn their offer as any disappointment is upsetting.

My suggestion is to actively seek a better paid job in a nice location but one where you get more for your money. When you have secured the job, then rent for a while until you find a suitable property to buy.

Ideally we would have liked to stay in the nice suburb of Dublin where dh's parents live and where we bought our first house. But when our family got too big for the house, we ended up having to move out to Co Meath, as did SIL and BIL in the end. The location is less prestigious but as it turned out the schools are great, the children love it here and PIL are actually still only a 20 minute drive away. I know the UK is different but I'll bet if you looked around you would be able to find somewhere nice that's not a couple of hundred miles away.

There's nothing wrong with the odd helping hand from a parent but unfortunately there's usually a price to be paid!

expatinscotland - "the OP wouldn't have stayed living with them for 2 years."

OP says she was looking at proerty for the last year, mostly before she came home (split was 2 years ago, return to UK seems likely in last 6 months the way I read her first post).

violethill -
"presumably came back to the UK because she wanted something from them."

I think your stress on "she wanted from them" is rather harsh. Few people would stay abroad if things had gone badly wrong, though I guess the split was first part, 2 years ago, and perhaps part of the remaining time was ensuring legal custody before leaving Spain

Even with savings it would be completely dumb to consider trying to set up in a property without a job or child care arrangements, ignoring any emotional feelings about the split...

To start with it makes perfect sense to accept any offer of accommodation, and to be frank, we don't know quite how it came to be free of rent, do we ? Initial task would have centred on getting some job, any job (all credit there) and then seeing how well it covered for food, clothes, for family of 3, then rent - perhaps offered by DD and rejected by parents, as that's what would happen in many families, knowing that a deposit will take some time to save up (even with 45K in the bank).

Our old flat had been bought with part of an inheritance which MIL had handed straight over to dh. When we were in the middle of selling it, the subject came up, and MIL reassured us that as it had cost less than half the inheritance, and dh's sister had had more than that out of MIL over the intervening years, that there was no question of any money having to be repaid/paid over etc. It would be all ours. We'd maintained the flat, the original inheritance had been unequally divided between dh and his sis, and his sis had come out with more etc etc etc.

At the point of sale however, the story changed every 5 minutes almost. We'd made an offer on a place, and then MIL suddenly wanted us to give dsil 40K, thus wresting our 'new' house out of our grasp. Sigh. Back to the drawing board. Look a little further afield for something that we could afford. Find a place. MIL then only wants us to give dsil 20K. Ah, then we could just about afford that place, over there. etc etc etc.

In fact, we didn't actually have to give dsil anything at all, but dh wanted to keep the peace.

MIL's mind changed with the wind, with her final demand being that we give dsil 50% of the sale price, at which point we'd have been living in a cardboard box (while dsil had been nicely ensconced in a chi-chi little flat, for which MIL paid the mortgage anyway).

Did I whinge? You bet I did. So did dh. We felt perfectly entitled to. In the end he gave dsil 10k and she and dh didn't speak to each other for nearly 5 years.

OP I think you're entitled to have a whinge. You make plans, you set those plans into action, you then have to drop them and make new ones. It's a pain. It's bloody annoying. Your hopes and expectations are crushed.

Then you pick yourself up and make new plans. Good luck.

Tbh i see it as she does get money. 2 years untill now and maybe another 2-3 years if she stays, i'm translating that to minimum £50,000 (thats for the cheapest form of childcare!). If you add rent and children's treats it is more.

The point is to make good use of it (of the childcare).

Successful people don't have pipe dreams. They have goals.

(I don't know what is going on but in every thread lately people want a 6 bed house!)

"2 years untill now" - no, 2 years since split is not equal to 2 years with parents... but see your point, and OP made no mention of 6 bed home - sounded more like 2 bedrooms to me would be quite acceptable as first step...

I'm sorry you have had such an upsetting time lately.
Just a couple of thoughts;
Do you need to move, the children have had a bit of upheavel already with you splitting from their dad and moving in with your parents. If there is room for you and everyone is happy, why uproot the children again.
Do you need to buy could you rent for a while?

I hope things settle down for you soon.