OK be honest, AIBU to be upset that my parents have reneged on their offer to help me buy a house

[FeelSoUpset100]

I was living in Madrid in a rented apartment until 2 years ago with my xh. It's all over now. I am back living with my parents now in their house in Surrey. Truth be told, life is not bad. This is a lovely house and there is room for everybody. My daughters have a bedroom each, the garden is massive, my parents have paid for a new swing set which arrives in a couple of days, also a paddling pool, a trampoline. The children are content and should be able to start c of E school in september, my parents are stalwarts of the parish. So to speak.

When I was thinking about coming home, my parents said to me that when I got a job they would breach the gap between my deposit and what mortgage I would be given (probably not enough to buy a house anywhere near here). I a lump sum but I DO need their help. I have been out of the work place for a long time now.

Anyway this is the bit I want to know AIBU to be upset... my parents have now said they won't give me the money afterall. They say that the children are happy here and it's near the school and that it's their decision and I can't expect it, which is ALL true of course. But they told me they would give me the money! I am just so upset. I can't believe that I have spent the last year (mostly before I came home) and some time here believing that they would help me buy a small house or a flat. I am not looking for a huge amount of money, just the smallest amount possible to buy the smallest place that 3 people can live in. Two girls can go in together, which my parents say is not fair after they are now used to their own bedrooms. My parents are retired and have paid off their mortgage. They have this money and I know I can't demand that people give me money. But yet I am incredibly upset. Oh yes, and my parents have made comments about how I shouldn't 'break up the girls' home again'. But they think we are moving somewhere in time. They know that. Or they did know that.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my parents to give me money to buy a house so that we can move out of their house?

I feel like I am 17 again. I need their cash but they are stifling my independence. Except that I'm not independent because I need them.

what is thy job situation? Can you get more hours where your are? Could you change jobs?

I know you have had it rough, and being back home with the parentals cant be easy, it must make you feel a bit shit.

I would manage your expectations and make a bold leap!

Ok, I'm going to change back to my real name next so will say goodnight.

Thanks for the viewpoints. It's been interesting, really. I guess a lot of it comes down to priorities, and it is a priority of mine to own my own home one day, so as tempting as it is to waltz off and start renting, that would eat into my deposit. I will however chase up housing authorities, shared ownership, moving further away to a cheaper area. change is coming, but only change that doesn't eat in to my deposit.

Thanks everybody. Has been useful exercise. I can't believe I did an AIBU and I'm not in floods of tears!

Ladyintheradiator reality check indeed.

I live in one of the cheapest areas of Surrey and even the grimest 2 bed place in the grimest area is over £200k, probably £225k.

Perhaps you need to relocate much further away, starting applying for jobs where you could afford to buy a home?

ha!!

Oh fuck off. It is real. I have MNers on my FB who might from another thread knwo this is real.

Is no problem a problem unless you're starving or dying? I jsut wanted to run some things past a group of people and I have.

If I moved hundreds of miles away I'd know NOBODY which as a divorced single mother is quite scary. Did you think of that?!

YANBU

OP - do you have any siblings?

I.E. who else is this going to affect inheritance wise?

Your DCs are fairly young at the moment - have you thought about what will happen when they get a bit older and your parents start to question your parenting choices and start to control your DCs.

They will be able to control who comes round to play with your DCs, what time they have to get home by etc etc.

You will never be able to date/bring a man into this situation - have you considered that this is a large part of their position?

I strongly recomment that you get a copy of Toxic Parents - don't be put off by the dramatic title. Really my parents are not very controlling at all and I would not call them "toxic" but the book is so so helpful in making you think about boudaries with your parents.

I learnt that I am not responsible for their happiness and that I don't need to consider their feelings/opinions on things which should not effect them.

I would make it very very clear to your DCs that there is a time limit on you staying with your parents. Of course once you move out they will be able to visit and have a normal GP relationship.

Hopefully the book will allow you to work out a framework to discuss with them.

At the moment they are saying:

• you will be disrupting the DC by moving out

You need this to move to:

• we are moving out - you offered me some £ which would enable me to buy a house near here - you have reneged on this - therefore you are disrupting the DC

NB don't equate the material possesions - large house/garden/toys with the benefit of functional family life.

You parents are being extremely disfunctional in offering you something so significant and then backing out.

I can also recommend you have a look at this website - have a look at some of the questions - they will make you look more closely at your relationship with your parents.

Yes Cargirl, I think people imagine I haven't actually sat down with a calculator and done the maths. And after decades of banks giving mortgages away really easily they don't do it lightly now. You need to have a contract of employment and not just 16 hours or 22 hours depending on the week.

Thanks toughasoldboots, I saw your post about your mum offering to mind your dd and then changing her mind. If she hadn't offered you would have made other arrangements.

Anyway, maybe I should hide my own thread! I said I wasn't upset, I can handle the spoilt or the woman up, but for some reason the 'if this is even real' made my eyes sting.

I think you will find with such a large cash sum, a bank would be very interested in talking to you.

Have you spoken with a good mortgage advisor?

If you cannot afford something in Surrey then you must either rent or move to where you can afford something. Which will be further north.

LadyintheRadiator surely the OP is to see if we think her parents are unreasonable in going back on their promise?

Why on earth should OP have to reveal more and more details of her specific circ - it is very likely that giving these will make her very identifiable.

I wondered if you mentioned to your parents about looking for a job in x area because you could afford to buy a place there may make them realise that you are not prepared to live under their roof forever.......may get you back a bit of control at least.

toughasoldboots I don't think you are being very helpful. Please don't throw the itchy work around!