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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Intolerant neighbours?

210 replies

LordVolAuVent · 09/04/2010 23:15

Hi everyone

I'm new on here (although have read boards before for advice just never joined - cheeky?)so nice to "meet" you all.

Anyway, got a problem now with neighbours and need some points of view. DS always been a bad sleeper, finally settled down after lots of hard work on our part about 10-12m. Now 14m and started waking at 5-5.30 . Used to go til 6.30-7.

Am hoping it's a phase due to lighter mornings and want to stick with tried and tested methods of keeping him in cot til "reasonable" hour. He does need his sleep really.

But neighbours (we are ground flat in shared building, they are above) bombarding us with letters about how it's too early, they find it upsetting hearing him "scream" and although they admire our "resilience" they can't take it. They want us to move his bedroom (not possible) or sound proof ceiling (we rent the flat). Or just let him get up whenever he wakes (get the impression they think we are mean and selfish not doing that -are we???).

They have no kids. They own their flat, we rent ours. Have tried to explain that it is not just for our benefit, but his too and if we are consistent (v difficult when worried about neighbours) the phase will most likely pass quickly, quicker at least...

Am I wrong to feel like reprimanded school child, and more importantly that they are being quite intolerant and having a really negative impact on how we want to look after our child? Any views really welcome!

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 09/04/2010 23:20

Have you tried a blackout blind in his room? It worked for us.

(Welcome to MN - v brave of your for your first post to be in AIBU!)

KnackeredOldHag · 09/04/2010 23:22

So, if he's waking at 5-5.30 and screaming enough to disturb the neighbours, what are you doing with him? Leaving him to scream it out? IMO this never works. DS1 was an early waker, but once he reached about 18 months and was running around a lot more he started sleeping till about 7-7.30am by himself.

TBH, I'd be really pissed off if your child was keeping me awake from 5-5.30am too.

Maybe that's not what you want to hear, sorry.

Original poster
LordVolAuVent · 09/04/2010 23:27

Oh really? Scared now...

Didn't know where else it fit...

Have tried black out blinds, thanks, and neighbours were away over Easter so have made some progress being able to be consistent, but got a new letter yesterday essentially saying that they were no longer able to put up with any crying after he cried for 5mins waiting for bottle yesterday (it took longer than usual because I overheated it. This was 6.45 (I thought they'd be pleased with progress!) so when he woke at 6 this morning I panicked and got him up... Was too early, he was grumpy, and worried I've undone progress made!

OP posts:
Firawla · 09/04/2010 23:27

they are BU to send letters and complain i think. i sympathise with your situation, its difficult enough having an early waking problem without neighbours sticking their nose in!! and no i dont think you are mean and selfish not to let him get up whenever, as that could be a slippery slope, if he gets up few mins earlier each day.. would you then end up having to get him up for the morning at 3am or something?? its better to persist and try to get him in an acceptable time as you are doing i think. 6am is sort of okay but anything b4 6 always seems to early (to me anyway)
i would just explain to them once clearly, as you already have done and then ignore any further contact from them?
and try the black out blinds sugestion, try putting to bed half hour later maybe?

CirrhosisByTheSea · 09/04/2010 23:28

YABU.

If your neighbours are being woken each morning by a crying child at 5am that's unacceptable. It's simply unreasonable to allow your child to cry and disturb other people at that time in the morning.

I'm afraid you have to cut your coat according to your cloth; you're in a flat not a detached house and you simply can't impose on other people like that. You have to do whatever you can to keep him from screaming/crying on an ongoing basis at that time of day even if it is hard on you.

I do sympathise, my ds was a 5.30 waker for a LONG time and I know it hurts! And you worry about their level of sleep. However at 14 months he is waking naturally and you're not going to get him in better habits by letting him cry.

Your poor neighbours!

KickArseQueen · 09/04/2010 23:29

sorry, but my i'm with knackered.

Does he have toys in his cot? Music he can switch on?

Would it be a disaster to you for him to come into bed for a cuddle before you get up a bit later?

Firawla · 09/04/2010 23:30

ffs "they are no longer able to put up with any crying" children do cry from time to time, they should go and live in the middle of nowhere if they can not tolerate any noise from neighbours whatsoever, or atleast in a detached house not a flat. that is a risk they took when buying a property in a house shared into flats isn't it? they sound quite horrible if they just send letters for any instance that he ever cries!!

startagain · 09/04/2010 23:31

what do they expect you to do.
ask them
say " if you have any expert tips, would love to hear them"

Original poster
LordVolAuVent · 09/04/2010 23:32

Do pickup putdown knackeredoldhag so it does involve crying but this is the method we've used since 9m and has been successful fairly quickly whenever there's been a blip but does seem to be taking longer, maybe because he is more awake at that time... Maybe because I've been more inconsistent because of neighbours... Not sure.

Thanks for that, maybe he will grow out of it although already v active. And it is a sudden change as opposed to a usual thing

OP posts:
oliviacrumble · 09/04/2010 23:32

What are you doing when he wakes at this new, earlier time?

Are you actually leaving him in his cot to "scream"?

If they are noting your "resilience", then it sounds like they've been listening to a fair amount of noise.

TBH,I'd go mad if I were woken by a baby at 5am, only to listen to continual crying for the next ...however long it's taking for him to settle.

I actually do sympathise with your plight, but feel really sorry for your neighbours!

Why don't you bring him into bed with you when he wakes?

I wouldn't have dreamt of it with pfb, but by the time dc3 arrived, we had, ahem, relaxed somewhat...

KickArseQueen · 09/04/2010 23:33

cirrhosisbythesea Love your name btw, may have to get off mn a go read the book, haven't read it for years

Joolyjoolyjoo · 09/04/2010 23:35

I do sympathise, but I would be tempted to bring him into my bed, just for some peace, and so I didn't have to be warring with my neighbours (who are, by the way, being pretty unreasonable themselves, IMO)

Fighting/ being strained with neighbours is hard, on top of lack of sleep. I brought all ours into bed, and they are all now good sleepers- it doesn't necessarily mean you will have him in your bed forever. You do waht you have to do for your sanity, I think!

ShinyAndNew · 09/04/2010 23:36

Blimey your neighbours are a bit nasty. WE have very thin walls in our houses and nextdoor have just had a new baby. It sleeps in the room joining our room and crys at least every two hours. The only thought I have is 'Oh that poor mother'. It wouldn't occur to me to be annoyed with her.

But I do agree that putting him in your bed when he wakes and all sleeping together isn't that bad. That's what we did with dd1. Dd2 joins us at about 3am every night any way.

GeekOfTheWeek · 09/04/2010 23:37

Tbh I would be furious if I was your neighbour.

Once in a while could be tolerated but if it is almost every day then I think YABU.

If I was woken at 5am every morning I suspect I would not be able to function at work etc.

oliviacrumble · 09/04/2010 23:38

Sorry, am such a bloody slow typer all my qs had been answered by you already!

Babies can change quite suddenly, btw...

Just because a method has been "tried and tested" in the past, is no guarantee of it working now.

Good luck!

Have just read my post and see how spectacularly unhelpful it is. Sorry...

KickArseQueen · 09/04/2010 23:39

Your should have stuck it in behaviour and development most probably

To be honest, do you really think he's going to go back to sleep at that time?

Someties I've managed to get mine to go back down again but then only with warm milk and that just caused another raft of problems.

We have a bedrooms only rule until 7 and no tv until dressed rule, I've never left mine to cry and I am not in an "overheard" situation.

Good luck op!

Original poster
LordVolAuVent · 09/04/2010 23:39

Wouldn't be a disaster for me KickArseQueen, I would enjoy it, but once he's up, he's running around, he doesn't like cuddles

BTW, he's not crying from 5 - when I get him up, maybe for 5-10 mins and then goes back to sleep, but the neighbours can't, apparently once they are awake "that's it". He does have toys etc but ignores them, he is very...spirited, the second he stirs he is standing and shouting, even if not properly awake, there's no adjustment time.

startagain they expect us to soundproof the ceiling.... anyone know anything about that?

Firawla I worry about earlier and earlier waking too, he is quite bright and I've seen him take advantage of a chink in our armour before! I'm with you on the not before 6 thing

OP posts:
littlesez · 09/04/2010 23:39

would he go back to sleep in your bed? if my baby wakes up really early i just shove her in with us she usually goes back to sleep.

Its hard to say whether YABU or not. Is he left to cry for a long time? if so then I would be pissed off too if i were your neighbour. Them moaning over 5 mins is bit over the top though.

paisleyleaf · 09/04/2010 23:43

They also suggested he sleep somewhere else in the flat. I guess they mean somewhere further away from where they sleep. Is that possible at all.

KnackeredOldHag · 09/04/2010 23:44

Actually, reading your last post OP, I change my mind. If your neighbours expect he won't make a murmur before a reasonable time then they are BU. If they otoh are kept awake by a couple of hours of screaming, that's an entirely different matter.

We used to allow ds1 to come into bed with us, but had a "rule" that it must be light outside.

I should add, it won't last forever. DS1 is a wonderful sleeper now.

ElleBing · 09/04/2010 23:45

YAB a bit U.

I think that many parenting books would tell you to let him "cry it out" but then many parenting books assume that you live in a detached house in the middle of nowhere.

I'd be majorly pissed off if I was getting woken at 5 every day. It'snot your fault and it's not LOs fault. it's just one of those things but it's one of those things that's one of YOUR things, IYSWIM. I'd either just go with it, get up with him, tire him out, let him have a day nap, you catch up on sleep job done OR you plonk him in your bed.

I feel for you. I love my sleep. I adore it. It's shit when baby doesn't share your enthusiasm for being in the land of nod.

TinyPawz · 09/04/2010 23:45

Send your lovely neighbours some earplugs and tell them nicely to wind their necks in.

Children cry sometimes.

That said, I used the 'cry it out' method and it worked for us (me & dd) but you have to be consistant. Hope things improve soon

strawberrykate · 09/04/2010 23:46

Do the most you resonably can, try to limit crying time to the best of your ability. Take advice from others on the tread.

And

start binning the letters without opening them.

jasper · 09/04/2010 23:47

You need to consider your neighbours. It is absolutely not on to let your child wake them up in the wee small hours. I am surprised you have to ask

Original poster
LordVolAuVent · 09/04/2010 23:47

Behaviour and development maybe yeah, but although advice on getting him to sleep or not as the case may be, it was more whether us or them were unreasonable I was interested in, or other people maybe having a similar situation...

As Joolyjoolyjoo said I don't want to be warring with them or end up in a really unpleasant situation and again, I would put him in bed with me shinyandnew but he won't stay there...

OP posts: