Intolerant neighbours?

[LordVolAuVent]

Hi everyone

I'm new on here (although have read boards before for advice just never joined - cheeky?)so nice to "meet" you all.

Anyway, got a problem now with neighbours and need some points of view. DS always been a bad sleeper, finally settled down after lots of hard work on our part about 10-12m. Now 14m and started waking at 5-5.30 . Used to go til 6.30-7.

Am hoping it's a phase due to lighter mornings and want to stick with tried and tested methods of keeping him in cot til "reasonable" hour. He does need his sleep really.

But neighbours (we are ground flat in shared building, they are above) bombarding us with letters about how it's too early, they find it upsetting hearing him "scream" and although they admire our "resilience" they can't take it. They want us to move his bedroom (not possible) or sound proof ceiling (we rent the flat). Or just let him get up whenever he wakes (get the impression they think we are mean and selfish not doing that -are we???).

They have no kids. They own their flat, we rent ours. Have tried to explain that it is not just for our benefit, but his too and if we are consistent (v difficult when worried about neighbours) the phase will most likely pass quickly, quicker at least...

Am I wrong to feel like reprimanded school child, and more importantly that they are being quite intolerant and having a really negative impact on how we want to look after our child? Any views really welcome!

I haven't read the whole thread but I have experienced this from the neighbours point of view. When I lived in a back to back terrace my bedroom was next to their baby's room - and there were many occasions when I was woken up by continuous crying. It would go on for ages and clearly wasn?t stopping! Some of the other neighbours did bang on the wall loudly - but I didn't.

Yes, I do understand that children cry, of course they do, and I do think that all parents should be supported but respect works both ways and in this instance it isn't respectful to allow your child to repeatedly disturb your neighbours at 5:00 in the morning. I am not going to even attempt to comment on the supposed merits of controlled crying but we don't live in isolation and have to consider how our actions impact upon others. So, I won?t play loud music at night but please try and stop your child waking me up at crazy o?clock in the morning!

I've just had a lovely example of neighbourly bliss! Which i want to share as I have a ncie warm fuzzy feeeling now.

The people who live upstairs from me have three young children in a tiny flat and hardwood floors (oh joy!). They operate on a completely different timescale to DP and I- their LOs nap in the evening and stay up til 1-2am, full of the joys of spring! DP and I hadn't mentioned anything about the noise keeping us up as we weren't sure how to approach it, weren't sure what was appropriate, plus the mother doesn't speak English and the dad is out most of the time. PLus, like has been said on here, it's give and take. I was reluctant to say anything as it must be a nightmare with three kids in a flat the size of mine (teeeny). PLus I'm a wimp and hate confrontation of any sorts!

Aaanyway, just bumped into the dad on the stairs and he apologised (unprompted) about how noisy the kids were and asked if it was causing a problem. Suddenly, all my previous irritation that came from sleepless nights disappeared. We had a brief chat and agreed that the only issue was the banging on the floor after midnight(i.e. when they play the "throwing hard objects" game and the like). The dad said he would monitor the kids more after midnight and keep an eye on the floor-banging (as the noise is worse down here than in their flat, ifyswim, so it is harder for them to notice).

AND i got a quick cuddle with their little baby! what a good day!

Their children are regularly up at one and two am throwing things at floors and walls? Wow, and the OP's neighbours think the've got problems! I know I said you can't make children sleep to your agenda, but there are limits - sheesh, have these people not heard of a routine?

Ha ha. I know what you mean but I think they do have a routine, just not one the same as mine, sadly

I think it is a cultural thing, I know quite a few families from the same culture as my neighbours who don't buy into the British bed-at-7 type thing so it's more: sleep when you get in from school until about 7, have dinner around 10, then play til you get tired, then everybody co-sleeps until 8 am. (p.s. don't you just love the fact I know exactly when they are awake and asleep? As has been mentioned on here, that's the joys of flats!)

I admire the parents' stamina, that's for sure. I think having no time to myself when children are in bed would kill me.

I too live in a flat and if I was woken up repeatedly by a screaming baby at 5-6 am I would flip my lid completely!! I'm shocked that you feel like a reprimanded school girl and that you even have to be told that the noise is annoying them. I also think you are wrong to think they are intolerant, can you imagine how they feel listening to a screaming baby at that time of the morning? I do sympathise with you though, in an ideal world you shouldn't have to change your lifestyle to please your neighbours but flats just don't allow such luxury

The reprimanded schoolgirl thing came more from the letter writing - I would much rather they speak to us as a personal preference. The language and tone of the letters made me feel like that, which I can't obviously get across on here - but you know how some posts on here, even if disagreeing with you, come across as supportive/non-confrontational/symapthetic etc still and some can come across as patronising/even nasty and really get your back up (and probably not meant that way at all)- but it's all down to language used. That's the problem with writing things, they can come across differently to how you mean, which is exactly why I don't like it.

Also she had previouly asked my DH not to smoke in our own (not shared) garden as they got a whiff of smoke somewhere on their stairs when he did, bizarrely (we couldn't actually work out how!) and a couple of other little things which has no doubt contributed to my feeling like that, but irrelevant to the sleep thing so didn't mention it.

Glad you got things sorted, plimsolls and you're right about the cultural thing - my DH is froma culture like that and his family always skype us at 10/11pm and get upset because DS is in bed!

We live in a semi detached house and have had complaints about ds2 crying from next door. The old woman who lives there is deaf but she has a young polish girl living with her for help. Ds2 had horrific reflux and used to wake every 20 mins screaming and she used to bang on the wall swearing. The son of the old lady then came round and had a right go at me telling me to move my child to a different bedroom. I was LIVID and said if he could stop my child crying I would happily let him show me how.
12 months later when ds2 was dealing with the reflux we were advised by the paediatrician to do cc. I lay in bed panicing about what the neighbours would say but then thought screw it. If they are unreasonable enough to kick off about a sick child crying then I didn't care if it woke them during the cc and that getting my child sorted was the most important thing.
Luckily it only took 3 days in the end but the thought of that guy hammering my door still makes my blood boil!
Though on a different note I was apparenlty a terrible sleeper as a child and my next door neighbour used to come in and take a turn at walking me up and down to give my parents a break as she wasn't getting any sleep either!
Good luck to you Lord and I hope your little one sleeps soon.

Thanks Gumps, I guess letters aren't so bad then, although do you know where your parents' old next door neighbour lives now? I would move to be next door in a flash!

Unfortunately she passed away, she was a lovely lady . I could have done with her myself over the years. My parents made her my godmother and they had a section of the fence replaced with a gate so that when she had a son we all went in and out of each others houses.
God for some reason this post makes me sound like a reminissing granny - I am only 32 honest!

Have to say YABU. Your poor neighbours. If I were them I'd complain too. I don't mind being woken up even ten times a night by a baby waking up and crying (as that's what they do), but what I can't take is the sound of a child being left to scream. Though your parenting techniques are your own business, by your neighbours having to listen to your child being left to cry every day you are inflicting it on them, so they do have a right to complain.

Good luck, I hope you all get a good night's sleep soon.