to think that having a short age gap between kids isnt actually that good

[icancancan]

preparing to be flamed here but had an experience today - friend expecting third child any day, has a 5 yr old and 2.5 yr old. older child struggling at school with letter sounds and friend struggling to cope to give them attention (which is what school say 5 yr old needs).
i was one of 5, all within a year or so of each other - i was never lonely, but it was hectic, quite fraught a lot of the time and a constant struggle for any kind of attention from exhausted (and poor) parents.
when I struggled with my ds after he was born, i was referred to a therapist. they were adamant that in the best interest of the child, it was advisable that a 3 yr gap should be the minimum in order to really nurture your baby. I have two psychotherapist friends who agree and I can't help thinking this is right.

well my kids are in trouble then,2 year gap,2 years gap and now 17 month gap!.
I dont find life that hectic at all, if she is struggling to find time for something like letter practice she needs more organization not a smaller gap.

i think it depends entirely on the children and the parents.

Yes, I'm sure all of those babies with smaller age gap between themselves and their siblings will not have been nurtured properly at all and will go on to become juvenile delinquents.

Actually, the only thing I've heard about a 3 year age gap is that it might be better in terms of avoiding sibling rivalry.

Frankly, is it worth worrying about? I'm sure your friend would still be struggling if her 2.5 year old was only 2 years old.

I have 20 months between each of my 3. A larger gap can also be difficult, because the needs of the children are so different that one has to 'give' for the other.

Sorry but YABU.

I think the 3 year theory is a load of absolute rubbish. So are twins/ triplets etc. doomed from birth?

Plus the realistic truth is that women are starting their families later, so dont have the luxury of leaving 3 years between DC's. I know I dont. I had DS1 aged 31, DS2 aged 33 and if we want a third, my view is that we need to ttc by the time I am 35...

If she and her DH/DP wanted a third DC and felt they could cope, is their choice....

Why don't you offer to give your friend a hand if you think she's struggling? Two children and a full-term pregnancy would be hard for anyone, regardless of age gaps.

Oh dear my poor DC's there's only 3 and a half years between all three of them!

That said at review day and parents evenings they are all in the top sets for their years.

I think there are many more factors that determine how 'successful' our children are than mere age gap.

Well, I am biased. I have 14 mths between each of my (soon to be) 4DCs. They are 1, 2 and 3years. DC4 due any day.

It can be a struggle giving them all attention when they all want something at the same time but it is also about organising time.

I only ever have time to myself when they are all in bed. When youngest sleeps I make sure eldest two are getting my attention and doing things we an't do with 13 month year old aroun. When eldest 2 are at preschool on same 3 mornings I make sure youngest gets some one to one time.

When DH is home we split our efforts so they have more individual time.

I can see advantages to having a bigger gap and being able to focus on one child but my children also get a daily lesson in waiting, sharing and compromise.

I don't think 2.5 years is a small gap, 14 months now that's a small gap. I think 2.5 to 3 years is an awful age gap to cope with because they are all at completely different stage and will be for many years to come.

YABU

Does your friend know you think so little of her parenting?

I have 2 v clo0se together ...26 months it wasnt that hard tbh each has had time and energy individually from me ...now as teens they are very close and share hobbies etc.

ds3 our surprise has a 7 year gap and hes benefited from time and energy with me but also bcos of the time his brothers take to spend with him.

Im sorry to disagree but I think closer ages are better.

However politically incorrect this may seem years ago if you had a child with a disability then you were encouraged to have another child to 'help' the other one.

I can't believe that there is a perfect gap for everyone, and that anyone would claim to know such a thing. Where does that leave twins?

Perhaps you have to leave one of the twins in a cupboard for a while or have the stork delay delivery? .

'preparing to be flamed here but had an experience today '

YABU how is this a bad experience for you?

Life is what you make of it. Children who are close together are able to play together.

I have a massive age gap of 7 years and my baby and son really have nothing in common. In someways its like having two families.

I am sure that your friend will find it easier in a years time.

fab and ghouls, help out when I can but she moved nearer her partners job (120 miles away).
thinking more psychologically (than physically) demanding .... would be interesting to gauge the mental 'health' of short age gap children as adults (and really not condemning anyone here ..)

Reallytired when I realised that we were having ds3 and ds1 was 7 that was a worry for me too but at that time ds1 ended up being home educated that is what has led to our boys being 'close' i think.

It obviously depends on the individual circumstances, but I do think that some of my friends feel under pressure to have the second as quickly as possible when they probably would rather wait. Dare I say, it seems to be the trend. I'm not sure there's a right answer but in my experience the 4 year gap between my brother and I has taken until adulthood to bridge. We literally had nothing in common until our mid twenties. I'd hope that somewhere between 2 and 3 years would be about right.

Jesus wept, as if we didn't have enough to worry and feel guilty about with someone questioning if we are damaging our children's mental health by not having what a couple of people have told you is the perfect age gap.

Agree it depends on the parents.

I have nothing but admiration for people who have children close together. I couldn't have coped. I had DS at 36 and DD at 39. And I'm done.

21 months between 1 and 2, piece of cake, two lots of nappies, double buggy, no school runs, no sibling rivalry - easy.

3 years 4 months between DC2 and 3. Absofuckinglute NIGHTMARE in terms of sibling rivalry, school runs, organisation etc etc.

So I think YABU as IME smaller gaps are better.

mine are 18 mins apart and I find it works brilliantly

I can understand today's experience pushing buttons for OP, she explained why she may be oversensitive. And it distresses me, too, to see any other parent in distress. Surely that's just normal human compassion at work?

I know some families that work very well with gaps well under 3 years. Maybe a larger gap would be even better, but nothing in life is perfect. Deal with it .

Yabu.

Load of twaddle.

I am going to have a 4 yr age gap, but that is due to my not coping with a toddler, not to do with what is theoretically best for the kids. Loads of people I know have a 2 yr gap and it seems fantastic once the kids are 4 and 6 and are playmates for each other.

Also I think as a parent you want for your children what you didn't have as a child, which is maybe why it feels right for you.

Each to their own though.