to think that having a short age gap between kids isnt actually that good

[icancancan]

preparing to be flamed here but had an experience today - friend expecting third child any day, has a 5 yr old and 2.5 yr old. older child struggling at school with letter sounds and friend struggling to cope to give them attention (which is what school say 5 yr old needs).
i was one of 5, all within a year or so of each other - i was never lonely, but it was hectic, quite fraught a lot of the time and a constant struggle for any kind of attention from exhausted (and poor) parents.
when I struggled with my ds after he was born, i was referred to a therapist. they were adamant that in the best interest of the child, it was advisable that a 3 yr gap should be the minimum in order to really nurture your baby. I have two psychotherapist friends who agree and I can't help thinking this is right.

My children are 2, 4 and 6. I think this is an ideal gap. They all get on and will be friends for life. There is 18 months between my sister and I and we are good friends who share clothes etc. My husband is 12 years younger than his brother and 14 years younger than his sister and although his mum says that he made a huge difference to their lives and she loves having another set of young granchildren, he is not vehe is close to them and in a way (especially his sister) look on him as a sort of son as well as a brother as they partially bought him up.

So I suppose what I am saying is that it doesn't matter about the gap and is more about the love.

A large age gap doesn't mean they 'can't become close' though, ArcticFox. There's 11 years between DD1 and DD2 and they are very close - good friends. When DD2 was a baby DD1 was delighted to have a small sister and was very helpful bringing her up - protective and loving. Now DD2 is at university DD1 often goes to meet her for a day's shopping, or to help her in a crisis of accomodation or whatever. They are very close. We often come together as a family and have rollicking good times. There were never any (obvious) jealousy issues (except when one realised she had larger feet than the other ) and no fighting.

However I do wish I had had another - or two! - between them (not possible for a couple of reasons) and wouldn't dream of judging anyone who had theirs very close together - there are definite advantages. I had DD1 at 19 and DD2 left school when I was 50 - more than 25 straight years of school routines, school holidays, etc! It dragged out that child-centred part of life a long long while - not that I minded - but it wouldn't be ideal for everyone.

I had four, 6 and under. Having two in this gap would have prevented them from being disadvantaged? My eldest is on the gifted and talented register and takes some of her lessons with the eldest classes in her school

They are all happy, bright, socially advanced children. There isn't a 'constant struggle' for my attention, it's merely a case of taking turns. They are as adept and comfortable with sharing me as they are with most other things.

I am indeed 'poor and exhausted', because I put the effort in!

I think it's a load of rubbish to assume that siblings with small age gaps don't get enough attention.

The OP is biased by the fact that she struggled after the birth of one baby. Most women don't. I'm not making a judgement there btw, as I realise PND and other problems can be awful. I'm just stating a fact. Many women take having a baby in their stride, and go on to have one or two more, sometimes quite rapidly, and none of the children suffer from any lack of attention. In fact, having children close in age can mean they enjoy the same games/activities and it's easier all round.

If anything, I feel sorry for parents who have big age gaps, which may be just about manageable when one's a baby, but as they get older, the family consists of teens or pre-teens , younger children and sometimes a toddler as well, who all have very different wants and needs.

I also found that having small gaps meant that the whole broken nights/nappies/maternity leaves was over and done with, without going back to it all years later. We were all able to move onto the next enjoyable phase, and I got my career back on track with minimal disruption.

Well, for me having three preschoolers would have been a drudge. Because I struggle so much with pregnancy and I seem to produce babies who don't like sleeping much. So I over-rode my broody hormones and stopped at two.

Does mean that someone else couldn't cope marvellously though, does it?

Haven't read all 7 pages, but OP I feel YABVU. So-called experts opinions that, in practice, is simply ridiculous.

There is exactly 2yrs between my boys, as planned, and I have 2 close friends with 3yrs between their DC's. Both were trying for a 2yr gap, which didn't happen for them, and after their younger DC's were born, one of the two gave me several 'lectures' almost about how 3yrs is most beneficial, 2yrs is very hard work (how would she know??) and all the ins and outs of the problems I would no doubt face only having the 2yrs.

14yrs down the line, my 2 are very close whilst being gloriously different, doing extremely well inside and out of school, most importantly are very healthy and happy and have given us no major problems whatsoever so far. I don't think my friend could hand on heart say the same for several reasons, none of which have got anything to do with the age gap and a lot more to do, IMO, with the kids themselves, her personal circumstances and her parenting style. I know people with one child who struggle, and others with 4 or more who manage brilliantly. I don't think an age gap is by any means the only factor by which the amount of nurture a child receives is determined.

there is almost exactly three years between me ans my sister and although we get on great my mother on the other hand struggled with depression, anxiety and other problems until she died when we were teenagers. Age gap clearly didnt help her! My husband has four older brothers who were all born within 5 years of each other but then a 15 year gap between him and the next youngest brother. The oldest ones are very close but my husband doesnt really have much to do with them as they have nothing in common at all and he only has very vague memories of them living together.

We have a really busy chaotic house and our routines and schedules are written down to keep things organized and under control. I have not found having three under 5 a problem at all and actually found havign one harder because I actually found I had nothing to do half the time at least now I am not bored!

Haven't read all the posts, but YABU...
My two are 15 mmonths apart. The first six months of DC 2s life was the hardest, but once she was sitting up, crawling, etc...it got easier and easier. Now, at 3 and 2, they are best friends, both potty trained, sleeping wonderfully...all that baby stuff was behind me really quickly. I have never felt better physically...I am 37, and probably feel better now after two close together pregnancies than I did at 27.

No age gap is 'ideal'...we cope with however it happens to work out!

I had a very large gap with older siblings (nearly ten years), who only had 18 months between them. I missed having a brother/sister my age when I was young, plus I think I got too much attention from parents who knew I was their last child. All out of love, of course, but there's a danger of wrapping a late child in cotton wool, and that can have a big effect in your life.

YABU
We have 13 months between our children.
I have no family or friends nearby to help so the pregnancy was difficult due to having spd. Newborn was difficult because you feed, change, play all day without a break or even a toddler to have a conversation with so you do feel stuck on a loop .
I never slept when DS was sleeping because DD was awake (seriously , i have never slept in the day since he was born until 2 months ago when we were all ill and sleeping at the same time). My DS woke up every 90 minutes until he was 6 months old. then he gave us the occasional stretch of a few hours. He slept for 3 hours at a time every night from when he was 10 months. Yes, it was hard.
Once the eldest started to be able to communicate quite well at around age 2 it was far easier.. She could speak quite well before then but found it easier to express how she was feeling at age 2. Instead of just crying she could say that she was crying because her head hurt or she was crying because she wanted her brother to go away.
Now that she is 3 I do look at her and think that if DS was born when she was 2.5 or 3 that it would have been far easier for me.
They are happy. Thery have lots of attention from me. Both were early talkers and both can count, know their colours and DD is learning to read.
I find it quite sad that people see a small age gap as a bad thing because the child does not get enough attention. Mine get plenty of attention. I spend a lot of time doing things that interest them. They play together really well (when they are not beating each other up , they are the same size btw so it's not like one is the bully!)
We did not plan this age gap. We do plan to have 1 more child when DS is around 5. We are seriously considering having 2 quite close together again as I do enjoy it.
Oh , DD doesn't go to nursery even though she has a free place because I don't need the break so Meeehh.
My children have plenty of attention. Always have and always will. I choose to spend time with them because as well as loving them , i actually enjoy their company.

I have 3 years then 4 year gaps. The three year age gap was really hard but the 4 year gap is easy (apart from the PND)(older two at school). I often wonder if the gap between the first two was smaller - would I have found it easier?

The older two argue alot but do play as well and have similar interests (are the same sex) - they are brilliant with the baby, like having 2 extra mummies!

YABU - it is no ones business.

The ideal age gap is the one that the parents feel best able to cope with. YABU to generalise.

lol well there isnt even a year between my 2 and they seem just fine thankyou very much!
In a way its easier to give them attention because they like the same things so we all do stuff together. There is always time to have some alone time with each of them as well.

I would love to have more children in the future with the same age gap. Its been loely for my 2. Just because it might not work for you doesnt mean you need to go round telling people they are goig to hae messed up children.

YABVVVVU, and extremely judgemental of your friend and her DD.

she might be struggling simpley because she is only 5 and still in reception. not all 5yr olds are perfect at letter sounds as soon as they get to school, regardless of age ranges between their siblings.

she might even have struggled if she was an only!

I have 5 (, how dare I>>, with less than 3yrs between each of them.......less than 2 between DD1 and DD2, and then DD3 and DS1.....and funnily enough, DD1 stormed ahead with reading and letter sounds, yet DS2 has struggled all his life at school so far, and he had more one-to-one than any of my others......proving that his letter problems are nothing to do with time and attention but to do with his learning ability (ie, he is dyslexic).

maybe you ought to offer support rather than slag her of on a public forum!

My two are 15months apart and get on brilliantly....I am more nervous about the fact that when we start TTC our next one, the gap will be more than I wanted...at least 6 years. My DH is 24 years older than his youngest (half) brother and he is more like an uncle - not to mention that the kids themselves can't get their head around the fact that one is older than their uncle and the other only 1 month younger...... DH is an adult with a family of his own and his youngest brother has just started school.....

My two are really excited about a new addition (when we get round to making it!) and I think they'll be great at helping out and keeping baby amused.

I think it's definitely more about parenting style and your kids' temperaments. Any age gap can work - or not

I had 17.5 months between DS1 and DD. I thought it worked great as DS1 was still too young to be possessive of me when DD was born and so there was no jealousy. (I have since seen that they can get jealous younger than that so I guess that was luck!)

I also thought it worked well that he was too young to be potty training - so many people seem to start potty training when the next baby is imminent, which I always think must be sooo stressful. ("Mummeeee, I need a weeeeee" just when you've sat down to feed the baby.)

Everyone comments on how well the two of them get on, how much they love each other. And they are clever too.

I had unplanned DS2 when DD was 5 and DS1 was 7. They love him and play with him brilliantly but it constrains us a bit as a family as things they want to do - cinema, bowling, etc, he can't. When they were 5 and 3 they liked the same babyish things as each other. It's hard to please them all now, and set to get harder methinks.

Once again, what MamaVoo says

Newsflash

Being born has scientifically been shown to increase your chances of suffering from mental health problems later in life.

LOL - if you are interested in the pyschology then it is in 'They F**K you up' by Oliver James - who wants everyone to have a 'Mental health MOT' before entering adulthood to deal with any hangups left over from childhood. In itself not a bad idea, but obviously a money maker for certain people!

Yes, what Mamavoo says. I feel sorry that so many pps are trying to justify themselves, they don't need to.
All those poor twins, doomed from conception

Do your psychotherapist friends (guffaw!) say why the gap has to be three years exactly? Any other caveats? I'm pregnant with my first, so I'm interested.

On a serious note. I'm sorry you couldn't cope OP, you obviously needed the gap with your personal problems.

Maybe the OP is in a similar position as I was, in that everyone else seemed to be having dc2 and criticising me for not (or at least it felt like criticism - "won't he be lonely?" or even "If you have too large a gap you might as well not bother"). Which grates a little if you see them struggling in ways they wouldn't had they left a larger gap.

You take the cards you're dealt with don't you? You can't always chose what age gap you'll have. It's going to be easy at some stages and more difficult at others.

Completely depends on the parents, home situation and children.

That said, my mum was only 10 months old when her younger sister was born and they were 5th and 6th. May mum said her parents had pretty much given up parenting by then, plus she says (as a psychotherapist) that when you become pregnant your attention turns inwards on the child you are carrying to the detriment of the older ones, so she was only a month old before another child became my grandma's focus.

Not sure how true that is, but I am 7 weeks pregnant and feeling ever so tired and sick. Fortunately at 2.7 DD is very good at amusing herself most of the time and is pretty sensitive to me not feeling well. A 1-2 year old may be less self-sufficient.

4 in 5 years and I love having all stages linked in and over with in a relatively short time. Activities and toys were always similar, wants and needs virtually the same at any given time

4 preschoolers was a doddle, 4 teenagers on the other hand is a challenge but they all get on (mostly) and socialise together, their circles of friends all know each other. They share age appropriate interests. They can converse with each other on similar levels

I came from 3, 4 years between each - we had nothing in common growing up and aren't close now, though all our children are close in age and they are very close.

My DM abides by this three year gap malarky. My siblings and I are all around three years apart, which can make it easier when you're trying to figure out how old everyone is.

Her reasoning was that you had to let each one have a proper babyhood and a chance to be a "baby" for the full time. In a way, I can see the logic, but on the other hand, they're not going to remember, are they?

Personally, I think the age gap was a bit too big. My siblings and I aren't at all close, and when growing up were always at completely different stages.

Three year gap worked out well for us.