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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that having a short age gap between kids isnt actually that good

221 replies

icancancan · 11/02/2010 19:13

preparing to be flamed here but had an experience today - friend expecting third child any day, has a 5 yr old and 2.5 yr old. older child struggling at school with letter sounds and friend struggling to cope to give them attention (which is what school say 5 yr old needs).
i was one of 5, all within a year or so of each other - i was never lonely, but it was hectic, quite fraught a lot of the time and a constant struggle for any kind of attention from exhausted (and poor) parents.
when I struggled with my ds after he was born, i was referred to a therapist. they were adamant that in the best interest of the child, it was advisable that a 3 yr gap should be the minimum in order to really nurture your baby. I have two psychotherapist friends who agree and I can't help thinking this is right.

OP posts:
hobnobsaremyfavourite · 11/02/2010 22:13

D and S are you Washwithcare back from Mumsnet Purgatory?

havoc · 11/02/2010 22:13

twinmam, they're doomed!

mrsvwoolf · 11/02/2010 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittlePushka · 11/02/2010 22:16

LOL at I39!

There is 18mths between my two boys - and I think its great for all sorts of reasons. I would highly recommend it. It has not had any adverse affect of my mental health or my wellbeing and being with them both doing things that they are equally interested in and capable of doing is a huge huge joy - it make spending time with them so easy - IMO.

I have never had it any other way so obviously I am biased!

darkandstormy · 11/02/2010 22:20

hob nob-I am just putting forward my views I can assure you there will be others who share th same,but maybe would not put them forward.,for fear of upsetting the masses

coralanne · 11/02/2010 22:32

There is 3 years to the day between my two. Not by any choice. That's how long it took to fall pregant. I never really analysed what gap I would have between children.

Looking back, I realise that I felt as though I had two separate families. DD didn't want to watch DS play football. He didn't want to watch her at netball or dancing. They did come together at swimming.

He was in year 4 and due to go to a new school before his teacher realised he had a sister in the school.

They always got on really well but not much in common. She had too many rules when playing footy in the backyard.

They also both to single sex private schools.

I guess if I had the time over I would probably send them to a co-od school. They may have been closer.

Having said that DS absolutely adores DD's 4 children. Youngest 9 months, then just 2 almost 4 and just turned 7.

I think they would both have benefited from a larger closer in age family.

havoc · 11/02/2010 22:33

hobnob she's not WWC, she my mum. This is the sort of tosh my mum loves to spout!

Momma23 · 11/02/2010 22:34

I have a 4yo,3yo and 1.7mo old and yes at times i am highly stressed, but even a mother of one child would be stressed at times. I feel lucky to have 3 healthy children so close in age. DDs get along really well spend hours playing together. I still manage time one to one at some stage of the day.

For now i am enjoying my 3 children under preschool age and NO i dont need a shrink.

piximonkeyingaround · 11/02/2010 22:47

YABU. I think it's down to good organisation rather than age gaps. Good job I'm studying psychology, will save me a fortune in therapy bills since I have 5dcs aged 7,5,3,3,1. On the whole all of mine get along and prefer it when they are all doing something together. DS1 keeps telling me I should have one more .

lambanana · 11/02/2010 22:53

3 year gap - my arse
psychotherapist friends - my arse
carbon footprint - my arse

age gap between ds and dd1 16 years
age gap between dd1 and dd2 13months

YABU and you would be better minding your own business

jaquelinehyde · 11/02/2010 23:15

Carbon footprint!! Darkandstormy - do you actually spend your time thinking up ways to try and be the superior alpha mummy.

3 years apart check
2 children check
Save the world check

I do presume that as you are so eco aware you don't drive but use public transport, you grow all your own veg, shop locally, hand wash your clothes, keep the thermostat below 16 (if on at all), never travel abroad etc, etc, so on and so forth!

Paulinespens · 11/02/2010 23:58

Me too. I was 38 when I had my first DC. I would have had a baby a good 5 years earlier if I'd been with the right man. I had DC2 two weeks before my 40th birthday and there's a 19 month gap between them.
TBH it was really hard for the first 6 months and that seems a blur of tearfullness (all 3 of us), endless nappies, feeding, sleeplessness, taking ages to get out of the house...I was exhausted and depressed.
People told me it would get easier but I just couldn't see it ever happening.
Then one day I watched DC1 making DC2 laugh and saw how they were beginning to relate to each other. They are now 3 and 18 months and it has got sooo much easier. They are little friends. DC1 has no memory of a time before her sibling so there appears to be no jealousy.
Small gaps? Tough at first but I imagine a lot easier when they're no longer babies.

ouryve · 11/02/2010 23:58

YABU.

2.5 years is not short at all and it's nobody's business but the parents, anyhow.

LittlePushka · 11/02/2010 23:59

LOL at iambanana!!

sunnydelight · 12/02/2010 04:09

Wow, feeling a bit defensive people? It is AIBU after all.

cory · 12/02/2010 06:46

I have a 3.5 age gap between mine but still don't feel I am any better at giving attention than my Mum whose 3 youngest had a smaller gap between them than my 2. A year between me and my younger brother and I thought it was great for company.

The time I really struggled to give attention was with my youngest and they were 11 and 8 at the time, so don't really think it would have been an advantage with a bigger age gap, would just have meant that youngest was far younger at the time I was struggling with eldest.

YeahBut · 12/02/2010 06:56

So, I'm guessing that this will be a topic on The Wright Stuff later then.

mummygirl · 12/02/2010 07:21

hahahahahaha

I've 3 under 3 at some point. And to think that I'm a psychologist and psychotherapist myself. All these years I wasted in academia and didn't even learn the basics! Didn't have a psychotherapist's common sense to leave a 3 year gap...

What a load of RUBBISH.

And ravarly depends massively on the individual child. DD, who was always advanced and mature for her age was happy with her little brother. And I didn't have a double buggy at any point asbabies tend to want to be "all grown up" when a yoounger one arrives. But when DS2 arrived, DS1 wasn't impressed and showed signs of regression. And so what?

they're 5, 3.6 and 2, and all my mothering consists of is making meals and changing the younger one's nappies. They don't want me to "interfere" with their playing, so a day off work in trully a holiday in our house

mummygirl · 12/02/2010 07:23

they actually say: "we're playing now mummy don't interefere". And I don't, unless I see blood!

nooka · 12/02/2010 07:30

I am the youngest of four, with gaps of 18mths, 3 yrs and 4yrs. I spent a lot of my childhood feeling left out, and then when my siblings left home I had far too much attention from my mother! But I certainly wouldn't blame her for the gaps, as she had at least three miscarriages before and after me.

Thing is that although people talk about planning their families, many children are not planned and arrive earlier than anticipated, and then many couples try and try and try before their family is complete.

I have a 16mth gap between my two, and yes it was very hard work for the first years (not helped by the fact neither dh nor I are that keen on babies) and probably put a bit of strain on my body, but we had zero sibling rivalry, as ds cannot remember a time before dd was around, and the two of them are very close, do a lot of activities together, are at the same school and look out for each other, share friends and interests. And given that we have moved around a fair bit, their friendship has been incredibly important.

Second children always have very different childhood than first children, but that is as much because they are enriched by their siblings as they are diminished by less parental attention.

GibbonInARibbon · 12/02/2010 07:46

I feel guilty that there will be nearly a 4 year age gap between DD and DC2 (due later this year) I wish the gap was smaller.

YABU, and I fear, ill-informed.

foxinsocks · 12/02/2010 07:49

it's not like you can plan these things is it

just another load of psychobullshit to make parents beat themselves up imo

Lizzylou · 12/02/2010 07:54

My MOm always came out with the 3 years is best age gap claptrap.
She was miffed when there was only 2 years between my DS's, saying that they'd be jealous of each other and just fight all the time.
She has had to eat her words, they are the best of friends and learn so much from each other.
They do fight a fair bit though.

legspinner · 12/02/2010 07:59

There is a 2-min gap between my first two ..eventually had three under 2.5, don't really see it as an issue to feel guilty about..there seems to be an increasing number of "sweating the small stuff" issues to worry about in parenting!

ArcticFox · 12/02/2010 08:00

There is 15 months between my sister and I. We fought a lot as kids but in between we also entertained one another non-stop, played together the whole time etc. Also there was only one year when we were at different schools which made things a lot easier for my parents and the hand downs werent totally out of fashion by the time she got them.

I feel adequately nurtured and plan to have my own one after the other for the same reasons so I'm clearly not too scarred by it.

I think it's sad when there's such a big age gap between siblings that they never become close.