to think that having a short age gap between kids isnt actually that good

[icancancan]

preparing to be flamed here but had an experience today - friend expecting third child any day, has a 5 yr old and 2.5 yr old. older child struggling at school with letter sounds and friend struggling to cope to give them attention (which is what school say 5 yr old needs).
i was one of 5, all within a year or so of each other - i was never lonely, but it was hectic, quite fraught a lot of the time and a constant struggle for any kind of attention from exhausted (and poor) parents.
when I struggled with my ds after he was born, i was referred to a therapist. they were adamant that in the best interest of the child, it was advisable that a 3 yr gap should be the minimum in order to really nurture your baby. I have two psychotherapist friends who agree and I can't help thinking this is right.

I haven't read the whole thread but I agree with the OP. I have a 20 month gap and I do regret it.

It's not so bad now that they are 5 and 3 but the first couple of years were awful. I still feel guilty that I forced DS to grow up too quickly when he was in fact still a baby himself.

I would not recommend a small age gap.

YABU. Your friend is struggling for other reasons than a 2.5 year age gap. Do you really think that she would cope better with a 5yo and a just turned 2yo? Or a 5yo and an 18month old? I have 3 dcs of 5 and under and sometimes it is hard to do schoolwork with my 5yo (in YR1) if his sister is arsing about and the baby is hungry but usually its fairly easy. I usually give dd fake work to do when ds is doing his homework but if she is being more than usually distracting then I stick cbeebies on for 10 mins. I bet she is struggling because she is being told that her 5yo is 'behind' and she feels out of her depth trying to force him to learn letter sounds that he isn't quite ready for. I think even the parents of only children or parents with a 20yr age gap struggle in those circs.

I think your childhood experience probably had a lot to do with being one of five rather than exclusively being an age gap issue.

Not read the other replies, but i've also heard that about psychologists recommending 3 year minimum age gap as being best for the older one. I had a 2.5 gap and in an ideal world would have preferred 3 years as i think dd1 would have coped better at 3 than she did at 2.5. I also think that as dd1 would have been that little bit more independent at 3 (practically and emotionally) it would have been less tough on me. I think the advantage though is that the closer in age they are, the more they have in common and the more they share interests.

Well I hope you are right as my DD is now 26 months and I am still not pregnant - and we wanted a less than 2 year gap.

You can't always plan these things. I'm at the stage now where any age gap would be the perfect gap for me.

I didn't have a small gap because it was "trendy". I had a small gap because I was getting old and I knew that my chances of conceiving again were dropping off a cliff. I bet I'm not alone.

My dc are doooomed

'And it distresses me, too, to see any other parent in distress. Surely that's just normal human compassion at work?'

But the OP doesn't say anywhere that her friend is distressed. She might be happy to be having her 3rd baby. I still don't see why it was a bad experience for you OP?

I couldn't have managed two toddlers/babies at the same time and been OK, would probably have gone crazy. The thought of twins terrified me so much that I have paid for private scans quite early on just to rule it out so I could relax.

There will be almost 6 years between my 2, my siblings and I were spaced out similarly (strangely enough so are DH and his sister).

I don't think there is any ideal gap, there are benefits and negatives to all of them.

I will be advising my children to start in their mid twenties and have a 3 year gap at least, preferably 4 yrs.
Due to having had 3 under 4 myself, can't say that was easy and I do think If I'd got DD2 to four, I'd not have had number three or four, so I'd be loaded

YABVU

I am only 20m older than my brother. It was fantastic. I loved having a sibling close enough in age to play with and my mum had no trouble giving us the time and energy we needed despite my dad leaving us when I was 7 and her trying to get a teaching degree over the next four years.

Children get emotional strength from strong attachments to, firstly their mother, and then other close family members - father, siblings, grandparents.

I have four children - 20m gap, 23m gap and 21m gap. They get so much from being so close in age. They are all happy and well-adjusted and make up the most fantastic games. They want for nothing, emotionally speaking.

My DH is 6 years older than his brother, and he wishes he were far closer in age to him.

Different age gaps suit different families and YABVU to make such judgements. You are completely discounting the benefits that children gain from having siblings close in age.

The only bad thing, IMO, about small age gaps, is the tiredness but it's worth it IMO.

What is damaging to children is when they are forced to be parented by an isolated, exhausted mother who's friends and family are not supporting her to do what she feels is best for her children.

op I agree, I could only ever have one child on my hands.My dd1 started school 6mths after ds was born, it meant I could relax.I did not have all that double buggy crap business going on.They are however very close.Anyone who has 3 kids pre school age needs to see a shrink imho.

Sorry, that last sentence reads very crappily indeed! I don't mean 'forced to be parented', I mean that our culture and society puts families under so much pressure and children should not be brought up by parents in this situation - they ought to be brought up by parents who are being supported to parent well.

Well as so many people leave having children until they're older 3+ year gaps will be harder to achieve. Also rather hard to plan these things precisely.

Anyway I've got one 3 year gap and a 19 month and are fine. All the dc's get attention both individual and group.

Surely it depends on the parents and dc's concerned.

But yes yabu.

Bloody hell, darkandstormy! How rude!

Anyone who can't manage more than one preschool age child is a bloody wimp!

MrsTittleMouse, I never had mine close together because it was trendy either...in fact if anything I was pre-trend my eldest is now 13!

Truth is me and DH never wanted kids...then he reached 30 and changed his bloomin' mind...it was a now or never situation.... trying to have the children we wanted before I reached 35 - as this was my personal 'cut off' age.

So I ended up with 3 kids in 3 and a bit years then tried to concieve for two further years..one mc and age 35 arrived meaning no more DC's...if I'd have had my way I would have had 4 DC's in four years...but it just wasn't meant to be...anyway now they are all preteens/teens 3 is more than enough!!

I have 4 Dc the gaps are 3 , 3.5 and 3.75 years and that seems to work really well.A bigger age group means less competition and rivalry I think.

dark and stormy- I will have 4 preschool kds and don't need a shrink!

It is very hard and tiring at times and obviously not for everyone but to generalise and suggest that my DCs are disadvantaged in anyway is ridiculous as it depends on the parenting.

The fact is that we all have different feelings about how close we want our children to be in age, and about how much we feel we can cope with. My DDs were all under compulsory school age when my fourth was born and I have survived and so have they. They're home educated, so none of them go to school anyway!

I am perfectly adamant I couldn't manage any more than four, but I don't think anyone who has five or six or more children is mentally ill, and I don't actually think that anyone who doesn't feel they could manage as many as four is pathetic. I just think we're all different.

There are 2 years between my sister and myself. She is now my best friend and I don't think that would be the case if there was a larger age gap. I can't see how either of us have suffered mentaly or otherwise by being born close together but we have both gained a lot.

There is 14 months between my ds1 and dd followed by an 8 year gap to ds2. I think there are benefits and drawbacks to both.

some of us don't get a choice about the 'double buggy crap' and jsut have to get on and deal with it. I love being a mum of twins and find some comments on here (darkandstormy) pretty offensive

Surely a smaller gap would be even better in that scenao? After all,that's my theory, DC3 will be 1 before DC1 starts school and needs help with letters? Surely she would have been better off with a 5 year old, a 4 year old and a 3 year old so they could all do letters together? Or so the 3 year old and 4 year old could play together while she gave DC1 some quality time...

Or maybe you can't plan your family perfectly because it's composed of individuals who interact differently on different days? TBH if she had left a 5 year gap she's probably still be struggling so close to giving birth...

my husband was beaten up by his 3-year older brother. he had got so used to having all the attention he couldn't bear it when dh came along. he doesn't really like his brother - loves him, but doesn't like him.

I have siblings 2 years older and 2 years younger (and 4 years younger) - we get on like houses on fire.

i really don't think you can make anydaft psychobabble generalisation - i think 3+ years is an age gap that might stop kids enjoying meaningful play together (too big a gap - the oldest will always win) -

i certainly don't think nurturing a child means they have to be the only one in your universe - children are also important to each other, sibling relationships are very important too - lifelong relationships. A monopoly on parental attention doesn't seem particularly healthy to me!

I will add, there is no such thing as a 'right' gap - the kids will work it out whatever happens, if their parents help them.

my 3 will have 3 years from oldest to youngest, come August....

I feel a smaller age gap (2 years almost exactly between my 2 DC) has been great for my Dc in terms of them being playmates for each other and I find it very convenient now they are older (6 and 8) in the sense that they have similar needs and are on similar "timetables".

The only thing I regret is that I don't think me and DH could appreciate or enjoy our younger DC's baby years as much as if we'd had a bigger gap as with 2 under 3's the early months/years just passed in a sleepless blur...

I had large age gaps between my children, 11 years between Ds1 and Dd. Worked fantasticly well as he was old enough not to feel any jealousy, could help out etc, they have a wonderful relationship, he absolutely adores her!

Between Dd and Ds2 I had a 4 year gap. Still worked out really well for us, she satrted school a few weeks after he was born, so I had time alone with him through the day.

I personally like to give each baby their own time IYKWIM, but my SIL had her two 17 months apart, and while she said it was really tough going with 2 babies, now they are 3 and 4 they play together.

Its each to their own Id say, I have a friend who has a sister 10 months younger than her and they are as close as twins, 3 years between me and my brother, and while we are close we don't spend as much time together now as we could.

I don't think it affects you as an adult, theres more to it than that, your entire upbringing plays that part!