to think that having a short age gap between kids isnt actually that good

[icancancan]

preparing to be flamed here but had an experience today - friend expecting third child any day, has a 5 yr old and 2.5 yr old. older child struggling at school with letter sounds and friend struggling to cope to give them attention (which is what school say 5 yr old needs).
i was one of 5, all within a year or so of each other - i was never lonely, but it was hectic, quite fraught a lot of the time and a constant struggle for any kind of attention from exhausted (and poor) parents.
when I struggled with my ds after he was born, i was referred to a therapist. they were adamant that in the best interest of the child, it was advisable that a 3 yr gap should be the minimum in order to really nurture your baby. I have two psychotherapist friends who agree and I can't help thinking this is right.

I don't think it really matters that much. It depends entirely on the individual children, parents and circumstances. And the thing is, you don't know what any of those will be till you've got them.

There are big gaps between me a my 3 siblings and we were fine growing up, are close now as adults (I'm closest to my sister who is 8 yrs younger than me) and I'd copy that model for my own family. It suited my mother perfectly.

DPs mother started with 3 under 5, then after an 8 year gap had another 3 in quick sucession (army wife .)It suited his mother perfectly.

There's no discernable difference between their relationships and my own that I can see. I asked DP once if he felt he missed out as he has a brother 1yr older and one 9mths younger...he just looked at me like I was a bit mad.

YABU

I had a girl and then over three years later a boy. By the time my son was 2 I had been the mother of a very small child or two small children for nearly six years and I only had two children!! It seemed disproportionate......

Also, now they need a different story so I have to put dc2 to bed and read to him then come downstairs again and about half an hour later march dc1 up to bed and then read to her. The whole 'putting to bed process' takes about an hour and a half. And I can't see a way around that as my dc1 is older than dc2 and that half hour means a lot to her.

I want to move, but when do i move, when dc1 starts secondary school? dc2 will have four more years of primary school then? or do I wait 'til he's finished primary and his sister is almost finished secondary?? kind of pointless then.

I with there was 15 months between them!!!!

I read somewhere that in terms of sibling rivalry, it was best to have the age gap of either less than 18 months, or over three years, but the worst age gap, in terms of sibling rivalry was 18months - 3 years.

However, I think there are more important factors - gender, personalties and so on.

My DDs (3 years apart) are very close, they cite each other as best friends and play together all the time. But I think this is helped by the fact that they share a bedroom, share a number of friends (I have lots of friends with 2DDs that my girls play with), they share similar interests (both enjoy going to Gymnastics and Ballet) and, as girls they both enjoy playing the same games and have the same toys (barbie etc...)

The sibling rivalry, I feel is cut down by the fact that although they are doing the same hobbies, they are at different stages and so there is no comparison. What DD1 does, is celebrated as her achievements as a 6 year old, and DD2's achievements is celebrated as a 3 year old. Plus, DD2 utterly adores and looks up to DD1, so I think that helps .

I also have a friend who have two children much closer in age than my children (She has about a 2 year age gap), but her children fight all the time and they do not get on at all well. But, I don't put that down to age gaps, I think it is probably more to do with the fact they are different genders, they enjoy completely different hobbies, they do not share a room, they have different toys and completely different personalties - one is a sit down and play quietly child, the other is very boisterous. I don't think I ever really see them playing together nicely, they always seem to fight... but I think it comes down to personalities more than age gaps.

There's only 15 months between mine. It's not a problem. Don't think it was any more difficult than a 3, 5 or 10 year gap. The challenges you face may be different, that's all. Less jealousy when the gap is so small, that's for sure. And you get all the nappy, waking in the night, toilet training etc etc stuff done in one long stretch rather than having to start it all over again after a long break.

and no matter when you have the second child, it never gets the attention the first had. The only thing that's different for the first is how much time they had you all to theirselves. Is it better to have months or years? Who knows? a 10 month old is less likely to resent the new baby than a 5 yr old, for example, but 2 kids under a year is more tiring for the parents. swings and roundabouts.

I do know that it's pointless to judge other people's choices in this. Neither is objectively better or worse. They're just different.

Wow. Well, my ds is nearly 8 and I really do hope I will have another child one day. Will not be for at least a couple of years though, you should see peoples mouths drop when I tell them that (like it's any of thier business in he first place!).

I wish my DC's had smaller age gaps. My first is 12 this year, second 5 and third 1 next month. Yes I have to admit to finding it easier to cope with such large gaps, but my 5 year old increasingly winds up my 12 year old because he just doesn't understand that his older brother is into different things now. Having said that they do get along on most things and play well together. My DD is the one I am a tad bit worried about because although the gap is smaller, she is a girl and will probably not have a lot in common with DS5. The benefits of a small age gap is that it is much easier to manage, I had a nightmare juggling school run and baby during my maternity leave.

There is no perfect age gap, it really is up to the parents but for me small age gaps were not for me as I knew I wouldnt have been able to cope

What does it matter to you?

I have 14months between my two and although they can both be a pain in the arse...I would not have it any other way.

If you want a three year gap, then go for it, but don't pull other people down for having a smaller gap.

I definitely agree with the OP - you can give your children so much more attention, and you are so much less frazzled, when you get each one out of the baby stage before having another.

And I think they get on better too!

YABVU

When I opened this thread I thought you were talking about someone who had perhaps a 12 month age gap.

A 2.5 age gap is quite big, and anyway its a personal preference.

Since when do psychotherapists know everything and advise on best age gaps?

There is no 'right'. Loosen up a bit.

I will have a 3yr gap and tbh I feel this is best for me - I couldn't picture buying two of everything in the babystage like a cot, carseat, double buggy etc, double the nappies. Each to their own I suppose.

There are 3 years between DS1 and DS2 and that seems good so far. However I have friends who swear by a 11 month gap before getting pregnant again and that is probably what we will go for next time around largely due to my age (40). I am sure there are pros and cons either way but life is too short...

Surely it all depends on people's individual circumstances. My 4 all have an 18/19 month gap between each other and hand on heart I can honestly say they are all individually nurtured and my DH and I give them all a lot of time.

I have to say though that we haven't had any issues with any of our children so far - if we had had any serious issues then maybe we would have waited longer/not had the next child so soon.

It sounds like your friend is struggling and needs help, I don't think the age gap is the issue - I manage my 5 year old's homework ok and I have 3 younger siblings to look after lol

My children love their siblings and they are all very close. The dynamics between the various ages are so different; the older and the middle two play together a lot and are very close but also very competitive with each other; the older one is very protective with the baby and her younger brother; etc....

Whatever the age gap I think they get different advantages and disadvantages - mine will certainly benefit from learning to share and having friends for life - even if they will all end up deranged lol xxx

I've not read everything yet, but I have a gap of 4yrs1mnth between DD and DS1, only 19mnths between DS1 and DS2, and I will have 7yrs2mnths between DS2 and my current bump. Four years was too large a gap, even now, the sibling rivalry between them is immense and almost insurmountable. Although they love each other, they don't like each other.

I found having a 19 month age gap between my DS's to be easy when DS2 was a baby, quite tough when I had a 2yo and a 3.6yo, but once DS1 started full time school, it was excellent. I am actually really concerned about having a 7yr age gap this time, as if 4yrs was too large a gap, then how lonely is this dc going to be? I'm half (note only half) considering having another one to keep this baby company.

I was an only child for 10yrs, and I hated every minute of it, and unfortunately, moving out when I was 15 and my brother was only 5yo meant that we never really had the normal 'sibling' relationship that I would have liked to have. It's only now that he is 19 years old and at university living in his own place that we really get along like brother and sister.

I think the OP is projecting her fears of not being able to cope with a small age gap onto her friend. I feel that having had a 4yr gap between dc1 & dc2, that a large gap makes it much harder to find family activities to do with everyone together, as what the younger two like to do, the eldest isn't interested in, and vice versa. TBH I feel it is all down to individual choice and what feels right for you and your own family and circumstances.

And as for the OP's 'friend's' child that is struggling, some children are slower to pick it up than others, and it has nothing with being unable to give individual attention, and 5 is very young for Y1, my DS2 is in Y1, and he is currently 6years and 7months old, He will be 7 in November. The children in his class who are yet to turn 5 are, understandably, not at the same point with their reading and decoding abilities, mainly due to the fact that they are almost 10/11 months younger than the oldest children in their school year, like my son. Maybe if OP tried reassuring her friend that it is perfectly normal for her child to be behind bearing in mind her young age for the school year, instead of deriding for her lifestyle choices, the OP's friend might not feel so stressed by it all!

not if you are an OLD MUMMY, need to pop em out fast, chop chop

Oops I meant 'the children in his class who are yet to turn 6'!

Its not always possible to plan gaps perfectly though is it.

I have 3 years 3 months between my eldest and middle child as took a lot longer to get pregnant the second time.

Then have just 19 months between the middle dc and dd.

I find advantages and disadvantages to both but think all my children get quite a lot of attention. They also seem to get on pretty well at the moment.

My sister has much bigger gaps between hers and its hard when finding days out/holidays that appeal to all the children as they're at such different stages.

"My sister has much bigger gaps between hers and its hard when finding days out/holidays that appeal to all the children as they're at such different stages."

traceybath - I know this is the theory. But, on our case, it is actually much easier to find holidays for DSS2 (12) and DD (5) together than for DSS1 (15) and DSS2 (12) together. DSS2 and DD are much more compatible personalities.

I think thats it Bonsoir to be honest - it so depends on the personalities of the children involved.

My eldest and youngest are very very spirited where as my middle child is extremely laid back.

So having him as a toddler has been a doddle whilst having DD as a baby - thankfully.

Of course - I haven't slept in years

Yes, generally I agree. I think with a smaller age gap it can be v hard to devote an adequate amount of time to each child's individual needs.
However, of course, these things vary so much between families because of:
-the total number of children- (if more than two, it is much more challenging)
-the sexes of the children
-the personalities/ interests of the children
-the priorities of the family (ie what one family considers adequate attention, another family will not)
-how much effort the parents are able/ willing to put in to raising the family.

• how much help and support the parents have.

Also, although 3 years may be ideal, it is not always possible in practice as more women are becoming mothers later in life nowadays.

i have 8 year gaps between my three ,the 2 older ones ( 16 and 8 ) fight like cat and dog , rather dispelling the sibling rivarly thing !