to think that having a short age gap between kids isnt actually that good

[icancancan]

preparing to be flamed here but had an experience today - friend expecting third child any day, has a 5 yr old and 2.5 yr old. older child struggling at school with letter sounds and friend struggling to cope to give them attention (which is what school say 5 yr old needs).
i was one of 5, all within a year or so of each other - i was never lonely, but it was hectic, quite fraught a lot of the time and a constant struggle for any kind of attention from exhausted (and poor) parents.
when I struggled with my ds after he was born, i was referred to a therapist. they were adamant that in the best interest of the child, it was advisable that a 3 yr gap should be the minimum in order to really nurture your baby. I have two psychotherapist friends who agree and I can't help thinking this is right.

DH and I both have 18 months to our younger siblings and we got on well with them growing up, so aimed for 18 months and ended up with 2 years.

I do not think that is a small age gap by any stretch!

Personally i have decided that if we were to have another DC I would want to wait until DD2 gets the paid nursery ie at 3. But then I'm also looking forward to going back to work so I'm not that super-maternal really.

I have heard the 3 year thing as well and surely it's nonsense - were all the children in the past and all the children in countries with not much access to contraception psychologically damaged? Erm I doubt it.

Most of my friends have 3 kids as well, with small age gaps, and everything seems fine with all of them TBH.

There's 15 months between mine and they're fine. There's no right or wrong age gap - only what's best for individual families (or how it just turns out )

A good parent will find a way to balance the needs of their children, whether there's 9 months or 9 years between them.

hmm nice logic dark

I couldn't cope with it ergo no-one could -

totally follows

I just realised that my experience of childhood is very similar to lots on here - small gap between me and my brother, and we were always very close - "perfect" three years between DH and SIL and they still don't get on.

Psychologists also say that children should stay at home with their Mums, as they do better than those at nursery, don't they? That's not living in the real world for most of us. It's a financial hardship to give up one income, and lots of SAHMs have small gaps to minimise their time out of the workplace.

I had 3 kids all under 5. The first 2 were 13 months apart.
I don't regret any of it. YABU and a bad friend, glad you are not my friend.

There are pros and cons, surely? There are four years between my two, and especially with the youngest being disabled, this has meant that whole-family activities are limited. As a result, my eldest is perhaps a little too grown-up and responsible, which, while lovely in a way, doesn't always make for an easy life, and I can find myself taking my eye off the ball a bit with her.

These things tend to all come out in the wash anyway. I disagree with Tolstoy's idea that all happy families are alike: I thing happy families come in all shapes and sizes- you just make it work as best you can.

OP, do you think that perhaps because you struggled with your DS when he was born you are projecting that a bit on other people? Assuming that because you struggled other people must also struggle?

Agree with those who say it depends on the family - and the children.

My two are 1.5 yrs apart, was bloody mayhem when they were younger but it's fab now they're older - it's almost easier having them both around at the same time than just one as they entertain each other.

Also, my friend has three, not that close together - they're age almost 7, 3.5 and baby and she's permanently knackered (not had a full night's sleep for nearly 7 years) and rather unsurprisingly looks pretty pissed off most of the time!

Christ her eldest is only 5 and just at school give her a break.

As for psychologists saying 3 years for a gap that is rubbish that would be one or two of them but others would say each to their own.

My eldest 3 where all under 5 then my 4th came along and I had 4 under 6 and I managed that with giving them "me" time for them or games to play for older ones and then take one off to have time alone. Hard you betcha but it doesnt matter what age gap you have it will be hectic stressful as it usually is with parents and kids cos we are juggling work and school runs nurseries and such like.

It is how we raise our kids that matter.

What utter tosh!

Every family is different, the way they cope in different situations, the way they react with each other etc. Age gaps will play a role in some households in others it wont matter.

I have two 4yr old (7months between them) and a 2 year old. All perfectly happy, progressing just as I would expect/hope.

I come from a family of 7 with all different gaps between us - between eldest and youngest there is 21 years, the shortest gap is 14months. All of us achieved well and had a fantastic childhood.

From the sounds of the OP the children are only a few months short of the magical 3yr gap anyway so does it really make that much difference?

In Three Shoes, One Sock
and No Hairbrush, Rebecca Abrams writes that your likelyhood of suffering from PND if you have a smaller gap, esp if less than 18 months.

Well, I like our small age gap. I used to lay my DS across my body in almost the breastfeeding position (he was asleep, not breastfed anymore) and then lay my newborn DD on top of DS and feed her. Everybody happy cuddled up, everybody nurtured. Now they are a bit bigger they play together happily. Never had problems with jealousy either. Different for different people.

There was exactly 2 years between me and my brother, and we were very close as children. DH has brothers 4 years and 7 years older than him. They always played together and left him out.

Our children have 5.5 years between the 4 of them, gaps were 19 months, 24 months, 24 months. The first 2 got on really well. Neither of them liked DC3. DC1 adored DC4 who was born when she was 5.5, but DC2 who was 4 didn't get on with him at all. DC3 and DC4 were very competitive.

They are all grown up now and all get on really well.

Best gap was the 15.5/ 17.5/ 19.5/ 21 year gap between DCs1-4 and DC5

As an old gimmer able to look back at things and report in, can I just say that the 18 month gap between ds1 and ds2 wasn't a struggle at the outset, never caused any problems throughout their childhood and doesn't seem to have stunted their ambitions or blighted their mental health. They are now 28 and 27. I like them quite a lot, as it happens!

You can't make sweeping statements about age-gaps with any reliability. Some people can struggle enormously with a long space in between children - not least because you get out of the habit! So there's no magic formula.

jaqueline how did you manage seven months between your dcs??

me, my brother and my sister all suffer depression and anxiety, and there is 5 years between my brother and I, and 10 years between my sister and I.

Shockng grammar, sorry

becky7000 - your brood sound lovely

I think the 2 year age gap between ds1 and dd was brilliant. So was the 5 year age gap between dd and ds2

Tis bollocks...

I come from a 3 and we are all 18mths apart..we have always been close, a friend and protection for each other..not saying it was easy my mum had 3 under 5s at 21..but she coped and we loved one another..we fought...but supported each other.

My DDs are 18mths apart (not intentional) and it was bluddy hard when they were small..but now they are in school they are fine and its really nice to see how close they are..and yes they do irritate each other too (isnt that life though?)..but they have a strong bond...

Thank you Wallace, they are lovely and pla really nicely together.

Where's the OP gone?

Like the Op's friend my DD struggled when she started school and it was bery hard going having a 2 year old and being heavily pregnant with serious health issues - HOWEVER - 12 months down the line it is fine. My three are very close and the 5 and 3 year old play lovely and interact beautifully with the baby. Eldest DD still struggles at school. But by carefully planning our time she gets the attention she needs. Op's friend is in a difficult place at the moment - struggling with the demands of 2 and anticipating the arrival of the third probably wondering how she will cope. YABU to openly critise your friend - when I look back to our very similar difficult time I am very pleased and grateful that we had lovely family and friends supporting us. As far dark storm and her comments - I am trying to think kind thoughts....

catjosephine -

if you have a short gap less than 18mo - essentially you are overlapping two loads of babyness - instead of perhaps beng mildly miserable over two separate babyhoods (if you follow me) - you might be v. down over doing it all at once. but then it would be over sooner...

anyway, did she actually quote some stats, or did she just moot it?

i am sure there are much more strongly indicative factors in PND than age gap (mothers own experience of childhood, which seems to be affecting the OP)

lololol - that's lovely. brought a tear to my eye.