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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that having a short age gap between kids isnt actually that good

221 replies

icancancan · 11/02/2010 19:13

preparing to be flamed here but had an experience today - friend expecting third child any day, has a 5 yr old and 2.5 yr old. older child struggling at school with letter sounds and friend struggling to cope to give them attention (which is what school say 5 yr old needs).
i was one of 5, all within a year or so of each other - i was never lonely, but it was hectic, quite fraught a lot of the time and a constant struggle for any kind of attention from exhausted (and poor) parents.
when I struggled with my ds after he was born, i was referred to a therapist. they were adamant that in the best interest of the child, it was advisable that a 3 yr gap should be the minimum in order to really nurture your baby. I have two psychotherapist friends who agree and I can't help thinking this is right.

OP posts:
TheArcaneMommy · 12/02/2010 15:50

well, there is 4 years between my older sister and myself, then 18 months between me and my younger brother, then 18 months between him and the youngest brother. When we were growing up, my sister really hated me, she was awful when i was born, very jealous, and we never really got on untill she left home and we were both grown up. felt like too big an age gap at the time, whereas, myself and my two younger brothers, were like the best of friends. Of course now, i get on with my sister very well.

I have 17 months between my Son and my daughter...was not how we planned it, but i would not change it now, i dont feel that my son gets less attention since his sister came along, and he accepted her very well, never had any jealousy issued at all, and he is very loving toward her. Im sure it all depends on the child and the parent, have to say, i think for the moment two is my limit, i cant imagine adding a third child into the mix at this moment in time.

Myself and dh have often discussed, how because they are so close in age, holidays, days out etc will be easier as they are of a similar age to enjoy the same things, as oopsed to one being to old for something and being bored, or the other being too young, and being bored.

Horton · 12/02/2010 20:03

Me and my younger brother have a fifteen month age gap. I also have a MUCH younger brother and sister with a larger age gap - they were born when I was 15 and 21.

We are all very close and all good friends and are constantly gossiping and chatting to each other by phone, email and Facebook.

My mum says that when me and closest brother were tiny, she really thought it was the worst year of her life EVER. She did have a very tough time, but she was very young and also says that she'd have coped better even a few years down the line. However, she also says that having two close together was v easy as we got a little older because we were effectively the same age and, although interested in very different things, could play together really well. We were each other's best friends until adolescence. She says having two six years apart was easier for the baby years but much harder when eg she had a six year old and a twelve year old who simply weren't interested in any of the same things.

I love being part of a large family and really wish I could have had at least three or four myself. I have just one DD who is three and if I am lucky enough to get pregnant again (am genuinely rubbish at this!) she will be at least four and a quarter by the time her sibling is born. I think it's a shame but I also think that even if her potential sister or brother is a bit removed in age they will eventually be good friends as I am with my siblings, despite MUCH bigger age gaps.

It's all about how you parent your kids and how well they are able to cope with siblings (poss partly as a consequence of the parenting they receive, though not necessarily) not about how many kids you have or how close together they are.

BTW, I loathed my brother when I was fifteen months old and he was tiny but he is now the very first person I would call on apart from DH if I had some kind of problem because he is always there for me and I am always there for him. We love each other lots and are occasionally driven mad by each other but we will be brother and sister and there for each other until we die.

becky7000 · 12/02/2010 20:09

having posted yesterday evening, I am now even more iresponsible because DC4 arived shortly after so now have 4 under 4!

tanmu82 · 12/02/2010 20:30

CONGRATS U - and back on MN already!

darkandstormy · 12/02/2010 20:55

Becky 7000 Despite my opinions on these issues, many congratulations hope you and new lo are doing well/take care.

mummygirl · 12/02/2010 20:57

CONGRATULATIONS BECKY!

sounds like you and bubs are both fine. What flavour is it?

darkandstormy · 12/02/2010 20:57

becky 7000 many congratulations take care, and best wishes to you and your family.

darkandstormy · 12/02/2010 20:59

sorry my computer seems to have gone a bit whacky and done two messages.congrats take care

Original poster
icancancan · 12/02/2010 21:18

many congratualations becky7000!
seems pretty divided in opinion on my op and thanks for the responses, I'm always up for an interesting debate!

OP posts:
becky7000 · 13/02/2010 05:12

Thanks everyone. A little boy.

I agree icancancan really interesting views on here.

girlsyearapart · 13/02/2010 08:06

Congrats becky

I have to disagree with the OP as come August i'll have 3 under 3.

i have done it this way as me and my sister have 12 years between us and although we are very close now- and her youngest dc and my eldest are only 3 months apart - we never lived together as siblings (that I can remember)

She has a 4yo gap between her dc1 and dc2 and that is a logistical nightmare.

Wallace · 13/02/2010 10:21

Congratulations becky

cory · 13/02/2010 10:41

The OP seems to rest on the assumption that the baby stage is the one where a child is going to need most attention. Ime this is not necessarily so: one child may need lots of attention as a 5yo, another child as a teen. So depending on the individual circumstances, an age gap of 13 years could be just as wrong, if it means that a mother's attention is diverted by the baby just at the time when her teen is struggling. In our case, I am glad I got all babies out of the way before the going got tough for my children. And in the case of the OP, it is a 5yo who is said to be struggling.

Anyway, I think it's a bit of a cop-out for the school to claim that there must be something wrong with the parenting if a 5 yo (ffs 5) is struggling with her letter sounds. In many other countries, this child would still be at play school. Not every child is ready to learn to read at 5 and Reception is supposed to accommodate children at different levels of maturity.

violethill · 13/02/2010 10:52

I agree cory.

IME as a teacher I come across quite a number of teenagers who feel neglected and pushed out because there's a baby or toddler in the family. The adolescent years are often a time when children need time, attention and understanding in a way that's far more complex than meeting a baby's needs. At least with a baby they really just need food and cuddles - I think meeting the needs of a teenager is far more demanding.

purplefish · 13/02/2010 10:59

It depends on the parents imo. We have a 9 yr gap between DS1 and DS2 and a 2 yr gap (to the day) with DS2 and DS3. DS1 is fab, always has been and has never felt pushed out by his brothers and the youngest two are incredibly close, rarely argue and spend a lot of time playing together.

purplefish · 13/02/2010 11:01

I agree with Cory too. DS1 is 16 and doing his GCSEs this year. He needs a lot of support at the moment. Probably more than the younger two.

kellyr · 19/06/2010 15:11

There is 5 year age gap between my daughter and my step daughter and as much as my step daughter loves her little sister, she doesn't half get annoyed by her.
She is too little to play with, climbs all over her things and SD often talks down to her because she feels like my daughter can't understand.

I am currently expecting my second and there will be 16 months between them, looking forward to their closeness.

EveWasFramed10 · 19/06/2010 19:03

There are 15 months between mine...they are like twins. They are best friends and they don't know life without each other. Both potty trained at the same time, too...so all my 'baby' days are over (they are 4 and nearly 3).

I admit, the first 6 months with both of them were very difficult for me, but once DD could sit up on her own, it got so much easier!

I think it depends entirely on the family, tbh.

wahwah · 19/06/2010 19:10

In general I agree with a 3 year age gap. I think it gives the first child a good solid base so that you can give the second a bit more attention. Ds was 2.4 when Dd born and it was really too small a gap for us all. The sheer grind of physical care of them is really tough.

I think there's a real level of denial about the impact of siblings on children, because we just don't want to believe it could be a negative experience in any way.

Conundrumish · 19/06/2010 19:24

Only bothered with quarter of the thread before I got frustrated with good old mumsnet 'shooting from the hip'.

Of course it is better if a mother can give of her time to nurture a new baby without being stressed about a toddler pulling her to pieces. Those early blissful days are enormously important for brain development.

That doesn't meant that real life doesn't intefere and some of us have children late and have to squeeze them out quickly, or others need to resume careers etc. I've got a 2 and 3 year age gap and I think my DC1 whose sibling followed just 2 years later could really have done with an extra year of just me in hindsight.

BaresarkBunny · 19/06/2010 19:38

I don;t think bigger age gaps automatically mean siblings are going to be friends or vice versa. There is 3.5 yrs between myself and my sister and 5.5 years between myself and my youngest sister and we are all best friends. I have friends who have small age gaps with their siblings and they aren't friends at all. It's personalities not age.

oooggs · 19/06/2010 20:03

I have 3.3 years between ds1 and dts then 20 mths between dts and ds3.

They are now 6.6yrs, 3.3 & 3.3 yrs and 17 mths. The 3 younger ones are easier together and play better as similar in age. When ds1 is out of school it is harder as his needs are very different.

No sibling rivalry with any of the age gaps. 3 under 3 is hard but 3 under 2 is harder

Bumperlicious · 19/06/2010 20:17

As a complete aside, does anyone find themselves reading a thread and composing a reply in their head only to scroll up the thread and realise this is an old one an they already made the EXACT SAME reply?

blueshoes · 19/06/2010 21:15

Agree with wahwah.

I thought I got the perfect age gap of 2.5 years but I suffered an early miscarriage. I ended up with a 3 year age gap. In hindsight, dd at 2.5 was not ready for a sibling. But she was so ready at 3 for a sibling and also old enough to be 'neglected' in favour of ds.

Even now they get on like a house on fire. Inseparable. Doing the same things.

I understand why people want to space their children closely together. But if as in the OP the parent is already struggling with 2, they should not have a 3rd so soon. The impact of a sibling on a child is often underestimated.

Lynli · 19/06/2010 23:17

Having a small age gap is incredibly hard work. I have a 14 yr age gap. I think that is ideal. DD 24 and DS nearly 10 adore each other. Often announces he going to her house for the night. No sibling rivalry.

In preparation for life it is probably better to learn to share and negotiate with others nearer your age.