to think that having a short age gap between kids isnt actually that good

[icancancan]

preparing to be flamed here but had an experience today - friend expecting third child any day, has a 5 yr old and 2.5 yr old. older child struggling at school with letter sounds and friend struggling to cope to give them attention (which is what school say 5 yr old needs).
i was one of 5, all within a year or so of each other - i was never lonely, but it was hectic, quite fraught a lot of the time and a constant struggle for any kind of attention from exhausted (and poor) parents.
when I struggled with my ds after he was born, i was referred to a therapist. they were adamant that in the best interest of the child, it was advisable that a 3 yr gap should be the minimum in order to really nurture your baby. I have two psychotherapist friends who agree and I can't help thinking this is right.

"would be interesting to gauge the mental 'health' of short age gap children as adults (and really not condemning anyone here ..)"

just of small age gap children? Why not of all age gap children, twins, only children? You definitely sound like you've got an axe to grind.

Did you want a smaller age gap but felt you couldn't cope so are now looking for ways to undermine smaller age gaps and convince yourself you didn't even want one anyway?

Oh, and troll, btw.

I thought the 3-year age-gap was more to do with the mother's health than the dc? So it gives your body more time to recover/replenish itself before going through pregnancy etc again. Mind you, I have a 16-month age gap, so I clearly didn't read up all the 'guidelines' properly

To be honest, with my two its about balancing needs etc and making time - dd does stuff with me while ds naps (he is only 1) and after he goes to bed she gets some time to play with me as well. They adore each other - they will often turn to each other for hugs if they hurt themselves, as well as come to me. And three other of my friends have a very similar age-gap and have coped ok with it so far. But its not for everyone, my mum had 7 years between me and dsis, and we get on well too...

(Disclaimer - of course, having written about how great I'm finding it, things will probably all go to hell in a handcart tomorrow )

YABU.

I have 4 under 4. A 15 month gap, a 14 month gap and an 11.5 month gap.

They don't struggle to get attention - the older two particularly enjoy doing things together eg craft projects, puzzles, games.

They get time with me on their own too.

It works for us. Loads of people say that they can't get their heads round how I manage it but I do because I have to.

OP if you think your friend is struggling have you offered any help and support? My guess would be no, you've just come here to slag off her parenting and the choices she's made. Some friend you are.

I think it depends....on the parents and on the children.

I am one of 4 siblings all born in 5 years, and I'm also the oldest. As a child I loved having siblings so close in age to play with, and I was very happy.

But as an adult I've had lots of mental health problems, and my psychologist told me some of my problems relate to the fact that I had too grow up fast, look after myself more than I felt able to cope with, and I didn't get the nurturing I needed. This, in combination with my personality has caused my problems.

My mum totally agrees with this btw. She says we were born in the wrong order as my sisters are much more resilient than me and probably would have thrived as an oldest child, and I should have been the youngest.

I want to stress the personality bit though. I'm not saying small age gaps don't work well for many people. But I think some children certainly would do better with a larger gap between and their siblings and themselves.

I have nearly 17 months between DC and it wasn't planned, DD1 was IVF and then DD2 arrived without any assitance as I really didn't think I would ever in a million years become preganant. I'd love another in the same gap.

I'm an only one so haven't experienced sibling rivaly. It will be interesting.

fwiw I am not a troll at all,sorry to offend,but,it is my opinion each to their own however.I just feel having 3 preschoolers would be a complete drudge.sorry.

Well I couldn't cope with 3 pre schoolers either but that doesn't meant I think that it wouldn't be lovely for someone else so maybe you just need to think about how you express yourself before you type darkandstormy.

don't you guys from close age gap families who hav had therapy as adults think - , if you had gone in as only children, or children from large age gap kids, then the lack of other kids to play with, the loneliness and constant need to pester your parents for attention or play alone - would have been blamed in part for your ishoos?

shrinks always go for the childhood.....and yes, it always your mothers fault!

then of course there is always the carbon footprint issue.

I have 3.8 yrs between my dc and have to admit that I STILL find it hard to give them all the attention I would like to. I don't think that when they turn 3 they suddenly need less attention. There are no magic solutions, we all do the best we can.

then of course there is always the carbon footprint issue

you may contend that as an issue of number, but not one of gaps dark,

if anything a narrower gap is more economical - have all the baby stuff for the next baby and have not been tempted to throw anything away just to make room.

What carbon footprint issue? Do you mean the extra school run miles you incur by waiting for your dc1 to start school before you have dc2? Or do you mean all the trips to the shrink for parents of 2 dcs with a small gap? My grandmother in law has 5 dcs with at least 6 years inbetween each one. Is her family's carbon footprint magically smaller than a family with 5dcs born close together?

No my 'ishoos' relate directly to my experiences as a child. So loneliness or whatever couldn't really be to blame. Although, of course, I could have other, different 'ishoos' related to loneliness I suppose...

And I didn't say it was my mother's fault
It was totally to do with circumstances and my personality.

Some children are just more fragile than others. Either due to their personality, other difficulties they may have, disabilities etc.

It is why when you adopt a child and have existing children, social workers often insist that the adopted child is the youngest, often by quite a few years. Because they realise that the adopted child is likely to need a lot of nurturing, at least initially.

EdgarAllenSnow I can't face digging out the book to check. It is not one I enjoyed reading.

havn't disappeared! - really interested in all of the replies and thanks for posting. just to reiterate, I'm not a bad friend - these are private thoughts and I am a loyal and supportive friend - we have know each other for 17 years.
yes, I think my own experience has coloured this judgement and of course it is also about the time and energy you have to parent. emotionally for me, it took quite a long time coping with the demands of a small baby and the adjustments from working to being at home etc etc. if I had had another, for eg, 18 months later, I would have felt really wrung out psychologically and physically! but then I'm older, tireder etc. my sister in law seems to cope admirably with two under three and the kids are great and seem well adjusted. horses for courses I guess.
not good at links, but there is some research in the british journal of psychiatry

lockets - 2 kids too close together is stressful.More than 2 kids imo irresponsible with regards to the environment.Sorry if this offends anyone but it is my opinion on this matter,but as said we are all different and have v different ideas.

that was my point nelie - there is no perfect childhood. there are things that may typically go wrong in larger families/ nrrow gaps , and those things which typically go wrong in smaller families/wider gaps - but no guarantee of a perfect result either way. You would merely be discussing something else...

Lets just say we all agree to disagree

Poor dd3 and dd4 are screwed then as there is 13 months between them DD'S 1& 2 should fare better as there is 3.4 months bewtween them.

I really think diffeent things suit different people

darkandstormy - sorry, but you just don't know what you are talking about. You don't like the idea of small age gaps for yourself. Stop being so damn rude about people who do like small age gaps and whose children are thriving with having siblings so close in age to them.

FFS

I've not read many responses so am just responding to the OP.

I think YABU. I am the youngest of 4 and we were all born within 5 years. Yes, life was chaotic at times and fraught, but hey-ho that is life! I feel that my early years experiences have given me some really important skills to deal with life. I think all of us (me and siblings) would have liked more time and attention from our parents, but without it we had to deal with life independently and I think that is invaluable (and missing in most of the kids I teach).

I can't imagine how my mum coped with all of us at a young age but I love the fact that I have a really close bond with my sisses and bro and I'm not sure we would have this if there had been 3 years between each of us.

Oh dear (again)...I forgot to consider my carbon footprint when planning how many children I wanted!

I considered, time, commitment, love ability, coping methods, family support and whether we actually wanted/could afford 3 children...but not my carbon footprint!

We are doomed I tell thee...doomed!