To make DH choose between us and old family?

[WashwithCare]

DH previously had a 10 yr living together relationship with a woman who already had 2 kids from 2 different dads. Children were 1 and 3 when she moved in with DH. They do not see their own fathers and call DH dad.

DH left his ex when we met (bit of a whirl wind romance) and 6 mths later, we married. I'm expected our first baby this month.

DH tried to be reasonable, and let his ex-gf stay in his house. He is a super high earner, and also paid child support at well above CSA rates, and more besides. HIs ex is always demanding more money, despite the fact that he is not he kid's father, and they weren't married.

Last 2 years have been a nightmare re his old family. His ex turns up screaming on teh door step, kids scream abuse at me - and oldest has now started stealing stuff from our house. Contact is patchy, and mum either changes arrangemetn at last minute, so expensive hols, show tickets etc are lost or literally dumps the kids on our doorstep.

She hasn't worked in years, and has made no attempt to train or find work.

I have had enough. I am seriously considering telling DH (and I do love him so much) that it't either them or me.. Unless he evicts them from his house, has no further contact and stops any more payments, I will walk!

Am I being unreasonable?

Why all the nasty comments and BU at the op it is hard and not all of us are saints we are only human, i would feel the same way tbh its a lot to take on, and she is pg and probably hormonal so please cut her some slack. Yes the OP's dh considers this other ladies kids like her own, but surely she should be demanding payment from their biological father as they are the ones who should really take responsibility. This other lady was luck she had such a nice man that was willing to be like a father to those children and now she is throwing it all back in his face, from what i have read here she is the one being vvvvvvu not op.

You're seriously considering dumping this super high earner before the birth of your baby because of his ex?

Hmm. YABU and very odd to boot.

yes i do agree that the op knew what she was getting herself in for before she married her dh but she should not have to endure abuse on her doorstep thats not on. She is probably hormonal, we all say things in the heat of the moment, it is really up to her dh to sort this out through legal channels tbh and find a solution to this

yes we're all human but imo when you destroy a family then you lose the right to victim status..

wanneabe he had left his ex before they met so no not really

what scottishmummy said.

"Contact is patchy, and mum either changes arrangemetn at last minute, so expensive hols, show tickets etc are lost or literally dumps the kids on our doorstep"

Oh, this is priceless - you see, the image i have of you is this

OW

Hes a SUPER high earner

You are upset because your expensive holidays, show tickets are lost

You want them put out of their house?

Why's that? So you can have all his money yourself? You write that he left this woman of ten years for you and expect us to be sympathetic to your "plight" lmao seen it all now

Boys2mam (hello ) but no, i don't think i'm being harsh at all

so where is the op?

would you like it if he does choose to stay with you and desert his children fo him to do the same to your daughter in a couple of years. OP also has a 3 year old

pigletmania you cant seriously think that the op isnt BU, you can think those sort of thoughts sure! but never consider actually doing it!

Piglet - it doesn't say they had already split up it says they split up when OP and DH met.

Look the dh left before they got together not when he was still in a relationship with the other lady if i read the post correctly

Oh hang on, i thougtht id seen it all but i hadnt

"This other lady was luck she had such a nice man that was willing to be like a father to those children and now she is throwing it all back in his face, from what i have read here she is the one being vvvvvvu not op."

Yeah, cos as a single mother she should be on her knees grateful for any little morsel he threw at her - nice man? hows that then? he fucked off with another woman

I think it was rather him who threw things back in her face.

As i have been told many times in the past - if you post on AIBU then expect to hear peoples opinions and thats mine

trip trap.

No i would think those thoughts but i would seriously thought about it long and hard before getting married. No she should not leave her dh but try and sort the situation out mabey through legal channels

So where is the 3yr-old's father? [hmmm]

Or does he live under a bridge too?

Yup. Trippity trippity.

I would have to agree Expat

YABU

Indeed youa re being odd.

Think about it;why would you want a father for your child who is prepared to walk out becuaseof hurdles?

That child has asmuch of a right to a father as yours does, and he is agoodman honouring it. You don't need to like it (though really by marrying him you IMVHO agreed to the package) but that's tough frankly. Child gets priority to you.

It workslike this:

His prioority 1 and 2 (equal):kids

secondary: you as wife

thirdly: ex but she gets somevalue as mother to his child

he cannot stoppayments and be in the moral right,and you need tothink about what you ahve already done to those people by having the affair.

oh bloody fucking fuckity fuck - i ALWAYS get sucked in by these buggers!!

he probably drives a truck ct. And has hairy hands.

How can you say the Op 'destroyed a family' - if someone isn't happy in a relationship then they're not happy. A relationship breaking up because of another person is a sympton of a relationship that had problems not a cause. Unless you truly believe men only have dicks not brains.

But getting to the OP, YABVU but I can understand how emotional you are feeling particularly whilst you are pregnant. Other posters are right, your DH needs to get some proper access agreed and a financial settlement signed off that gives 'his' kids security. That is the right thing to do - once things are legally settled his ex partner won't have as much room to manipulate and game play.

Try to take a deep breath and step back and concentrate on talking with your DH about how you make the situation better and protect the kids at the same time. If he has brought them up as his own then they are incredibly important to him and if you start to acknowledge that it will help your relationship with him and with his kids. All positive things for you and your DH.

Good luck.

"DH left his ex when we met (bit of a whirl wind romance) and 6 mths later, we married. I'm expected our first baby this month."

My interpretation is of this is that they had met soon after the dh split from his ex

oh bloody fucking fuckity fuck - i ALWAYS get sucked in by these buggers!!

(If you did meet after split was finalised then apolsfor penultimate paragraph but rest stands)