To make DH choose between us and old family?

[WashwithCare]

DH previously had a 10 yr living together relationship with a woman who already had 2 kids from 2 different dads. Children were 1 and 3 when she moved in with DH. They do not see their own fathers and call DH dad.

DH left his ex when we met (bit of a whirl wind romance) and 6 mths later, we married. I'm expected our first baby this month.

DH tried to be reasonable, and let his ex-gf stay in his house. He is a super high earner, and also paid child support at well above CSA rates, and more besides. HIs ex is always demanding more money, despite the fact that he is not he kid's father, and they weren't married.

Last 2 years have been a nightmare re his old family. His ex turns up screaming on teh door step, kids scream abuse at me - and oldest has now started stealing stuff from our house. Contact is patchy, and mum either changes arrangemetn at last minute, so expensive hols, show tickets etc are lost or literally dumps the kids on our doorstep.

She hasn't worked in years, and has made no attempt to train or find work.

I have had enough. I am seriously considering telling DH (and I do love him so much) that it't either them or me.. Unless he evicts them from his house, has no further contact and stops any more payments, I will walk!

Am I being unreasonable?

mummy it iis in CM/AP/Nannies section the title smth like 'my nanny is not domestic'

maybe shes a journilist looking to see who many nasty comments she can get so she can say we're a horrible bunch

Good grief - people here are rude...

Just to clear up some stuff - I was not in a relationship with my DD's father ever. The pg wasn't planned, but I was getting on, and it was a pleasnat surprise. I have a good parenting relationship with her dad - we all get on really well - there is no animosity - she sees her dad (I think that is my DD's right) and there are no hassles.

I am not financially reliant on my DH either - I earn (almost) as much as him.

I do have a nanny, and I am having some worries at the moment - but I pay a fair going rate - not slave labour!

DH had moved out of the family home when he asked me out, and I said yes - but it was only a few weeks since he had left. He does admit that he feelings for me before he moved out from his ex. We work together.

When we met I had a baby daug, and he had to persuade me (woo me) to date him... I certainly didn't steal him from anyone!

ACtually, although I do think YABU to ask him to cut all contact with her, I do see your point about the hasle this is causing.

You are pregnant and do not need the stress of having his ex and her kids on your doorstep screaming at you. I would call the police next time. Same with the stealing, report it and make the kids know you will not put up with it.

I find it odd that she lives in his house (free I assume) she doesn't work (kids are older now right - teenagers?) so surely she can work, she gets lots of money from him for her kids (do their fathers pay maintenance?) and she rings to demand more cash. I would be a little annoyed. However, I am unsure as to whether he does this because he knows he can easily afford it without it affecting your quality of life as he is a "super high earner".

lol and everything at the name of that link scottishmummy!!

sparklefrog I got that bit too
which means I guess that 3yo ain't the dp's which is sad. There seem to be a lot of children that he isn't the natural father to that he has been looking after. (assuming that OP isn't a troll - all for giving the benefit of the doubt!)

In that case will review my questioning of the op:

1. are you younger than the ex?

ginandchocolate doesn't anything about this post and the linked one strike you as odd? and the reason that everyone is reacting so self-righteously and bitchily - if this is not a trolling incident then the OP is v quiet..........

OP, I am assuming you must have spoken to your DH about your wishes and your possible solutions?

What does your DH say about the whole situation?

I am a little perplexed tbh as to why ex has not attempted to retrain or find a job to help support herself if her DC are now teens?

fair enough op ua still bu to ask your dh not to see his sons weather their biologically his or not! you dont have to be apart of their lives he could go and pick them up, and drop them off untill the whole situation calms down.

Doodleydoo are you by any chance a lawyer?? if not you'd make an excellent 1! lol

So my question still stands washwithcare .... do you really want to be with someone who agrees to "give up" on "his" children because his wife has demanded he do so. How do you think your 3 year old will feel in 10 years when her new stepmum turns round and says - "I can't be bothered with all the hassle of DD1, get rid of her out of our life, we can still see your biological child"

She would be heartbroken and I am sure you would be too - EXP is probably in the same position where she knows you will try and removed DH from the childrens life it could be purely selfish - money etc or could be that she can see how fucked up it would be to both the children and DH to do this.

Do you really want to ask the question and see DH walk out on you because he loves the children more, or him choose you and resent you everyday til the end, or him choose you and you always wonder about what will happen when this relationship finishes what will he do about the children from this (your) family?

Aww give op a break i do stand by what i said.

This thread moves faster than I expected it would - I only went to make a cup of tea.... It didn't occur to me I would be expected to respond so quickly - but am around now.

DH isn't responsible for DD. I am her mother, and I completely care for her. She has a good relationship with her natural Dad, and if anything happened to me, I know he would step in...

LO, due this month, is our first baby - I didn't say it was My first! I thought it was going to be great. In my last pg, I was alone and quite scared - so I was really thinking that this would be so different - but tbh, I am twice as stressed.

Not sure wheter I am younger than his ex - I wouldnt' think so - I may be a little older...

And I am not a troll - I'm just overwhelmed and exhuasted.

My apologies then if we are wrong in our assumptions, sadly many billy goats crossing many bridges at the moment to the tune of trip trap!

From a sensible pov, if you dp has always considered these two children to be his then I am afraid as you will proabaly know, they will come first to him, and quite rightly should do. As you will expect your child to come first with him. I do think that you would be expecting too much to differentiate between them and yours on his behalf. He is the only one that can make that decision and frankly it probably won't be made until after your child has been born.

You may well be on a track to losing him if you try and make him choose between anything and anyone, as there is nothing more unpleasant than a bitter shrew of a wife giving out ultimatums (and there have been many threads on here to point it through experience). I am afraid that with a man who has baggage you have to take the consequences whether of your making or not. He quite obviously feels that these children are his and therefore is not going to make them homeless (and hasn't done so far in 2 years) or cut them off without a penny. It does strike me that he is a very generous man. Unfortunately unless he makes any of the decisions to cut them off and never see them again, you cannot force him to do this.

Be aware of one thing, these children must still really be hurt by losing their "father" and may be unaware of the whole situation of his leaving, ultimately they are suffering more than you - their father has left and their mother is now a bitter woman, whilst "dad" has gone on to make himself a new family......believe me they are suffering.

lifeinagoldfishbowl - this is my last resort after 2 years... not the first... I have run out of ideas... there is only so many times you can try again.

I'm not saying he is responsible for DD - but obviously he is in the fatherly role and DD see's him as such (or at least someone she is very fond of/loves) this is what I am implying washwithcare - it's not the monetary contribution but the sense of love/trust/parental relationship that she would loose out on as would the other children you are asking him to "get rid off"

What Doodley says
I do think you have to get him to sort out the situation though as it cant be good for any of the children involved to have the ex banging gon doors and shouting or anything

My question about being younger was to do with whether or not she had a big problem with losing the man of her life to a younger woman. This is usually the straw that breaks the camels back - younger, richer, better figure - I'd be pissed off wouldn't you?

Mummysgoingmad - sadly no, I would be richer!

Sadly, know a lot about divorce, ow, children and the family dynamics through osmosis so to speak! My shoulder has been used and is very damp!

but you cant honestly want those two boys to go the rest of their lives without the man who has beel like a father to them. i understand this must be terrible for you as your preggers but imagine how your DD would feel if your ex partner did this to her.

Ow ow ow - I agree with Pigletmania and GinandChocolate - a very sanctimonious bunch!

So every one of you was single when you met your DH/DP any other half, as were they? You have never, ever dumped someone for someone else?

Give her a bit of a break - she's pregnant, hormonal and sounds like she's at the end of her tether.

And yes, I would be extremely pissed off if someone messed around with planned outings, holiday artrangements etc, for what seems like no better reason than they can. And I think most people would too.

The Ex's children are also unlikely to have been told the full story of the split - maybe the Ex has painted WWC in the role of scarlet woman and home wrecker...a bit like a lot of you.

I earn a lot more than his ex - of course - I mean, I work for a start, and she hasn't worked in years...

This is helping me focus my mind - thanks for all the helpful replies...

I'm not really concerned about the cash - it's more I feel like we need breathing space....

I think the mortage on their home is pretty small - suppose we offered to pay it - and give it to her, and perhaps a fixed amount and no more until the youngest was 18?

But I would also want fixed days the children came, and if they missed them - then thaat would be it....

That way I could kind of have some boundaries on my space....

Does that sound more reasonable?

"doesn't he legally have to pay childmaintenance if he's been living with her even if they aren't his children" Surely not! It's great for the children that their sort-of stepdad wants to keep seeing them and is willing to pay maintenance to them, but it can't be a legal requirement if they're not his. Surely?!

If you marry a man with children, either natural or step, you get the DCs too-they come as a package and you can't have one without the other. If he was to choose you, and abandon them, he wouldn't be a very nice person.Would you really want a man who could do that?

YANBU
They weren't married and they aren't his children under the law.
They must surely be mid teens by now old enough to treat you and your home with respect.

But I wouldn't enforce no contact just no more money or them coming on family holidays and if the mother and kids refuse regular contact and to behave reasonably then bring up no contact.
But the mother and kids (teens?) sound like they are taking the piss.

WWC

That does sound reasonable

boundaries are important and with a baby on the way,they need establishing.

My guess is she'shurt- that can last more than two years, esp.if what she will see as OW is PG. That's life I think.

But so is being sensitive and tiredwhen pg so I hope that passes.

To be fair MrsS the op could have been read either way. Sadly it seems ingrained in us that if children are invovled then the ow is always in the wrong, just as the dp is always in the wrong when he leaves for another woman! We all know this isn't necessarily the truth but that is the way we are conditioned. (And I bet we all know someone who breaks the mould!)

Of course you would be pissed off if someone was messing around with your plans, and that is surely why she does it. She is obviously hurt, he married the op and not her, he left her with 2 children but never had a child of their own. For the ex it must be like torture (no offense op) to see all this happening and not to be able to move on. It would be sensible imo to:

1.Feel terribly sorry for the ex and the fact she is unable to move on significantly, and therefore plays these games with you both

1. concentrate on these other children and put yourself in their position. It must be very sad for them indeed and all stability has disappeared.

You have more than covered the meeting/marrying and relationship bit which might have been more useful to put in the op, but you will know for next time!