To make DH choose between us and old family?

[WashwithCare]

DH previously had a 10 yr living together relationship with a woman who already had 2 kids from 2 different dads. Children were 1 and 3 when she moved in with DH. They do not see their own fathers and call DH dad.

DH left his ex when we met (bit of a whirl wind romance) and 6 mths later, we married. I'm expected our first baby this month.

DH tried to be reasonable, and let his ex-gf stay in his house. He is a super high earner, and also paid child support at well above CSA rates, and more besides. HIs ex is always demanding more money, despite the fact that he is not he kid's father, and they weren't married.

Last 2 years have been a nightmare re his old family. His ex turns up screaming on teh door step, kids scream abuse at me - and oldest has now started stealing stuff from our house. Contact is patchy, and mum either changes arrangemetn at last minute, so expensive hols, show tickets etc are lost or literally dumps the kids on our doorstep.

She hasn't worked in years, and has made no attempt to train or find work.

I have had enough. I am seriously considering telling DH (and I do love him so much) that it't either them or me.. Unless he evicts them from his house, has no further contact and stops any more payments, I will walk!

Am I being unreasonable?

WWC sleep well, can lend you my dh if you want, he is snoring on the sofa - am considering an ultimatum of the sofa or the spareroom as have insomnia from early pg whilst being bloody tired too!

tbh,wwc you need to take back seat.your dh needs to address her ds behaviour and issues with his ex-p.your influence presence will be inflammatory

and no more foot stamping and ultimatums, being committed isnt hissy fit and threats to leave at every hiccup

and calm down you are pg

mummy - I LURVED that show, kept dd quiet when she was smaller - and is the biggest incentive to stick on a diet ever! Scum of the earth - not sure what to call the guests though!

OP - I have sympathy for your situation and think your dh is being very generous still supporting his exp and her children.

I'm v surprised at the number of people on here who expect him to support her and her children. They are her responsibility, not his. If she refuses to go out to work to support them then she should seek support from their real fathers not someone who lived with them but was never even their stepdad. Sounds like she is taking advantage of your dh's generosity.

It's nice that he wants to support them and maintain contact with them and I do agree with other posters who've said that an ultimatum is not the right way of going about this. The exp sounds to be the problem here - she is clearly using her children to get at your dh/you and that is not fair on the children.

I don't really have any suggestions just wanted to voice my support given some of the earlier comments!

I get the impression that on these types of threads people just go into autopilot without bothering to read the OP properly or consider the individual circumstances. A bit like every thread on Mumsnet then.

I love the way this thread has completely changed!

WWC as i'm lead to believe from my SIL whos a lawer if he gives her the house then he shouldn't be asked to pay child support as he has housed them. But thats if the kids were his. so i would say shes had enough out of him and its her turn to start supporting the rest of their needs. However he should still keep regular contact, as he may be the only positive adult figure they have

There must be lots of people who have had relationships with single parents where it hasn't lasted and they have eventually got together with someone else and had children.I think if it was a long serious relationship then contact is important and is the right thing to do but they are not really his rsponsibility financially only emotionally and I think I would be a bit miffed if one of dp's exes was impacting hugely on our life esp if he was not the childrens dad.I agree it is easy to be outraged and holier than thou online but irl it would be annoying wouldn't it?

MrsSchadenfreude thats because we have had more info from op and are no longer assuming

Ah yes, the Mumsnet "we". Judge and jury - OP is guilty until proven otherwise.

My DH has 2 stepbrothers, who he doesn't see, you know why??? because his mum made his Stepdad choose between them. Stepdad chose her!!!!!!!!! I dislike her for that, making someone choose between you and their kids is not on

Don't let the sanctimonious bastards on here grind you down! You're not being at all unreasonable. You shouldn't have to endure criminal behaviour from these 'people'... tell him to show some mettle and stand up for himself or, better still, drop the chancers altogether!

SparklyGothKat - I think WashwithCare has moved on from that though. I'm pretty sure it was written in a moment of desperation, and I don't think there's a woman out there in her position who hasn't felt the same at some time or other.

sorry didn't read whole thread

amiea "drop the chancers altogether" there are kids involved which he has been a parent to..not that simple

Just because a man isn't the biological father to a child doesn't mean he isn't their dad. We adopted our DD and have a lifelong emotional commitment to her that has nothing to do with biology. OP's DH lived with these children for 10 years - one was a baby when he moved in, the other was only three - and they call him Dad. He might not have married their mother but plenty of MNetters aren't married to the father of their kids, but he took on the role of Dad to them and he can't just turn his back on them unless he is a heartless bastard.

OP - you are being unreasonable and callous to demand he evicts his children from their home.

I do think it's unreasonable to threaten you'll walk unless your DH agrees to evict his previous family and stop seeing them, yes.

Regardless of the set up of the family in a legal or biological sense, those children have had your DH as their Dad for over 10 years. They are obviously already suffering in his absence, I really don't think making them homeless and stopping loving them would help.

Your DP is obviously a good man and will be a wonderful father to your child too. He can do both.

I know that your hormones are probably all over the place and it's not right the way that the exP is behaving at all but I don't think it's fair to blame the children in all of this.

I'm sure it doesn't help to say you knew the situation when you married your DH and when you decided to start a family. It seems grossly unfair to expect him to change who he is or how he behaves towards his existing children. It does seem that that is how he views them and you will need to accept that and all of it's implications, be it financial or emotional. These children are also part of your family now, your DH comes as a package.

Yes it is. He is being exploited and it won't stop until he stops it. DH needs to take control of the situation rather than allow himself to be controlled by this abusive former partner

FAO mummysgoingmad btw

he's being expolited by the children that have called him dad since they were knee high? He might be being exploited by the ex but not the kids! Ok there's no way they should be spitting at the OP but you cant just dismiss them because he's moved on.

No of course she can't, and I don't believe she wants to. But teenage children can be shockers, especially after a relationship breakdown. Yes it's probably not their fault - they are undoubtably being manipulated by the ex - but that doesn't make it any less hurtful.

WWC in response to your other thread nanny looking for work

Is there a reason why you posted that here, mummysgoingmad, rather than on the thread in question?

yeh cause i looked for the other thread but couldn't find it again so thought feck it al stick it here.