To make DH choose between us and old family?

[WashwithCare]

DH previously had a 10 yr living together relationship with a woman who already had 2 kids from 2 different dads. Children were 1 and 3 when she moved in with DH. They do not see their own fathers and call DH dad.

DH left his ex when we met (bit of a whirl wind romance) and 6 mths later, we married. I'm expected our first baby this month.

DH tried to be reasonable, and let his ex-gf stay in his house. He is a super high earner, and also paid child support at well above CSA rates, and more besides. HIs ex is always demanding more money, despite the fact that he is not he kid's father, and they weren't married.

Last 2 years have been a nightmare re his old family. His ex turns up screaming on teh door step, kids scream abuse at me - and oldest has now started stealing stuff from our house. Contact is patchy, and mum either changes arrangemetn at last minute, so expensive hols, show tickets etc are lost or literally dumps the kids on our doorstep.

She hasn't worked in years, and has made no attempt to train or find work.

I have had enough. I am seriously considering telling DH (and I do love him so much) that it't either them or me.. Unless he evicts them from his house, has no further contact and stops any more payments, I will walk!

Am I being unreasonable?

piscesmoon - errr yes, I would. I would think it was the brave and correct decision. He has given the situation every opportunity to calm down, and I think he has a bigger responsibility to his own (about to be born) child and his wife.

I'm sorry for the 2 kids involved. I do like children - though I have admit these are not behaving in a likeable way. I understand that they are a bit screwed up, and that is unfortunate. But lots of kids have parents who split up, and manage it all without stealing or spitting at their Dad's new wife. I just can't handle them any more.

I also think that legally orno, if you have raised a child since it was tiny it is your child in many ways, certainly if you have raised them to think like that.

OP it sounds as if you have a goodman there in all truth, you can afford it so value this for what it is- a damned fine set of moralsand yes, get the boundaries sorted.

does it really affect the price of fish or the telling of the story to tell us the wife hasn't worked in years You're not worried about the cash yet in the next sentence talk about the money.

Anyway .... What kind of fixed days? yes boundaries sound good - how old are the children now? can you not arrange with them when they come over etc? what if they wanted to come on a different day or swap days for some reason, would you be happy with that? Another thought although you would be paying off the house - what about the day to day bussiness of the childrens expenses could you cost up how much it is costing you now and reduce it possibly or put half aside - just thinking that the children will have college fees etc to pay out for as well as driving lessons etc - how do you feel about supplementing these?

Doodledoo - you're right that the attitude you describe is absolutely ingrained in MN. Women who marry men with children are pretty much automatically condemned as marriage/relationship-wreckers even when there are no facts at all that suggest that. It's sad but true.

I agree that the OP was a little ambiguous, but boy were the vultures ready to strike!

Her children are 13 and 15.. It wouldnt' bother me about her not working if she would claim income support - she is entitled to it...

I just don't want to personally support her for ever. It's not so much about the money itself - it's the principle... I worked for everything I have, and I am proud of what I have achieved. I don't want my family to have an on-going finacial burden from this woman.

I personally owuldnt' pay their college fees or driving lessons. I paid my own uni expenses by working part-time. Once they get to 18, I think they shoudl be on their own!

gaelic - more vulturish than usual as most people snowed in and have gone insane (myself included) and as this is the only outside contact we have........

WWC - how much does your dh want to contribute to the exgf childrens life? Not only financially but also emotionally? Would it be useful (if money no object) to take the children to some form of counselling? Also you may want to still give the ultimatum and I can see where you are coming from as it seems you want to do it but probably don't want to at the same time. We all understand being at the end of a tether and hope it gets better for you, remember to keep your own blood pressure down and concentrate on tne new baby. I expect all his decisions will be made post the birth when he meets his only blood child for the first time. I would expect everything to sort itself out then.

I agree that boundaries should be set, and perhaps should have been set a long time ago, so everyone knows where they stand.

I would suggest that your DH picks up the DC, spends the day with them, then drops them off, at least for the foreseeable future until things have calmed down between everyone, and this is done at the same times on the same days every week where possible.

There should be no need and it is not acceptable to have the ex or the DC screaming abuse at you on your doorstep.

What is your DH's opinion?

I'm kinda on the OP's side o_O

Why is everyone sympathising with the ex-family? They weren't married and they weren't his kids. Just because he had a living arrangement with them doesn't mean he owes them anything. Shouldn't the other woman be claiming CSA money from the children's biological fathers. Isn't that what the CSA are supposed to do? How can the other 2 men not be paying money for their own kids? Does the other woman know who the fathers are?
So this guy lived with them and they called him dad. Which was where I see it went wrong. The woman should have told them from the beginning that he is a stepdad. You don't really see stepdads paying maintenance for their stepkids do you? Plus he didn't marry the other woman, which says a lot. The OP is the woman he decided to get married to and have his own child with. He didn't choose to have any children of his own with the other woman, maybe that says something. And I'm guessing that since DH is a high earner, then he might also have a brain.

I think you ladies are being a bit harsh. And OP is pg. Please, let's stop the witch hunt and put things into some perspective. No one steals anyone's husband. The other woman needs to move on and leave OP and DH alone. It's history, not baggage!

There I've said my piece now >

Why do you think your DH has a bigger responsibility to his own (soon to be born) child?

WWC - of course you don't want to support this woman, as you rightly say you have earned your own money and made good with your career. Another reason for her to be bitter I would expect as she has no career and is unlikely to get one with her current attitude. I really don't blame you, but as I say I would have thought that with the new experience you dh is about to have (having a baby within a loving marriage, rather than "inheriting" (sorry) from other relationships) will put a lot into a different category for him. My DH's theory on life changed about 2 seconds after dd was born and she is the most important thing to him. I expect your dh will feel very much the same way and will make his own ultimatums soon enough.

Can certainly see WWC's point about the principle of the Ex not working. Some of us would like to sit around on our arses all day but sadly circumstances dictate that we have to heave ourselves off the sofa and go and earn money to put food on the table and pay bills.

Agree with Doodleydoo.

Sparklefrog - surely because this child will be his, biologically?

no one steals another dh.that true.people do go for myriad of reasons.true.however,wwc dh made a family with these 2 children,they called him dad.emotional ties and daily parenting.hard to walk off from,whether they are his biologically or not.

ok

no excuses or condoning stealing or wayward behaviours.but a modicum of understanding.the father figure has left,an emotional vacuum and pain results

i dont expect wwc to take all this on,but her dh needs to grasp leaving other family will be tough.they will be v angry

maybe some neutral straight talking.wwc dh and his ex.not wwc its not her call

sparklefrog I think any man that takes on children for a significant amount of time has a huge responsibility emotionally with them. I personally think that he will feel more responsible for his own child once it is born as nature also tends to point us in that direction (admittedly not always but in loving marriage seems to be the norm!)

I can see where Oprah is coming from but at the same time it is obvious that the dh is the one who is wanting to continue the relationship with his "step" children, and that the OP wants to give him an ultimatum about this. If he didn't want that responsibility he shouldn't have carried on the relationship with them after his relationship with their mother disintegrated. he should have kicked them out of their home and cut off their mother without a penny. But then the op probably wouldn't have married that man

As I say ultimatums usually don't go to plan, and shouldn't really be used without full knowledge of all possible outcomes good and band, and acceptance of this.

Sparklefrog - because it is our baby...

Doodleydoo - thank you - that it really comforting... I really dont' want to issue ultimatums - i am not really a confrontational type of person. But I am a protective mum, and I do think you have to draw the line somewhere!

maybe you should try the jeremy kyle show..it would make a change from watching inbreds fighting tehe!

sorry shouldn't be making jokes it isn't funny

Your DH needs to sort it out. Obviously they can't spit at you! He should stop it immediately. They must have huge problems and he has made them his responsibility-he can't just stop.

Thanks MrsSchadenfreude. Since I've written my comment, I've just refreshed and there's a lot more sympathetic comments for OP.

what is his ex partner like? is she confrontational? what are the boys like? are they neds? do they do well at school?

mummysgoingmad -surely no one watches Jeremy Kyle anymore - they are all on AIBU!

WWC as I say - it will all come good I am sure, unfortunately it isn't always easy. My mum had many years of teenage stepdaughter being v horrid to her when she had actually met my dad 4years after her mother walked out on him for another man. Still my ma was the ow ! (apparently it was my mother's fault even though she didn't live in the country at the time and had never met my father!!!!!)

Hope it all works out, teenagers are horrid anyway! Good luck and I really hope you find some form of solution, enjoy having your baby together and make the most of it. Remember to keep your other lo at the forefront as this will probably be quite tough for her too.

OW - spect the sanctimonious lot are all tucked up in bed in their winceyette nighties and bed socks, chuntering about this thread to their other halves.

"Oooh and do you know what this family wrecking hussy on mumsnet was saying?"

"Yes dear." (Wishing heartily he could meet a hussy of any description!)

Thanks everyone - I am shattered and DH is still not back from work... so no ultimatums tonite...

I think I will go away and mull it over...

I have spent too much of the last year taking a back seat, trying to lt them work it out - now I think I need to start carving out space for me and my DH and our new baby, and thinking more about how my DD fits in than just always thinking about his ex and her kids.

Thanks to everyone - even the cricticisms have been helpful to put it all in perspective. WWC. xx

MrsS how right you are -
Personally don't like to come across as santicmonious - piss taking yes, sanctimonious no. Helpful: hopefully when I can (and am not taking the piss!)

MrsSchadenfreude i just got a mental image there and it wasnt pretty!

Doodleydoo the only people that watch that show are the 1's that have applyed to be on it! i know i dont..cant stand the man!