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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DH choose between us and old family?

589 replies

WashwithCare · 08/01/2010 21:39

DH previously had a 10 yr living together relationship with a woman who already had 2 kids from 2 different dads. Children were 1 and 3 when she moved in with DH. They do not see their own fathers and call DH dad.

DH left his ex when we met (bit of a whirl wind romance) and 6 mths later, we married. I'm expected our first baby this month.

DH tried to be reasonable, and let his ex-gf stay in his house. He is a super high earner, and also paid child support at well above CSA rates, and more besides. HIs ex is always demanding more money, despite the fact that he is not he kid's father, and they weren't married.

Last 2 years have been a nightmare re his old family. His ex turns up screaming on teh door step, kids scream abuse at me - and oldest has now started stealing stuff from our house. Contact is patchy, and mum either changes arrangemetn at last minute, so expensive hols, show tickets etc are lost or literally dumps the kids on our doorstep.

She hasn't worked in years, and has made no attempt to train or find work.

I have had enough. I am seriously considering telling DH (and I do love him so much) that it't either them or me.. Unless he evicts them from his house, has no further contact and stops any more payments, I will walk!

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 09/01/2010 23:37

Obviously he also needs to check the legal position - I think sometimes you can take on step children who become a child of the family etc and presumably he loves them and is bonded to him. Their lives have been rent asunder because he's left and rushed straight into bed with someone else which is absolutely disgusting and not what most men I know woudl do. Many many many men in that situation with a bad relationship would move out, establish a new home with no new woman in sight at all, have a decent respectable period of at least a year so the children can adjust etc. He has gone into this very very badly indeed and let's hope he can now sort the situation out.

duchesse · 09/01/2010 23:46

They are like his own children if he took them on that young and have no contact with their biological fathers. YABVU if you seriously expect him to just drop them. Their mother sounds difficult and it really sounds as though they need a lovely calm person in their lives like your husband. It makes no difference that they are not bloody relations- would you feel the same if they were adopted children?

duchesse · 09/01/2010 23:47

blood relations, not bloody. Oops.

derrymac · 09/01/2010 23:58

How true the old adage 'marry in haste, repent at leisure!' Not the behaviour of mature, sensible adults - I shd know, I did it too, but I found my own man and didn't steal him. (didn't work out, as most don't).

If DH had had enough of previous relationship he shoud have done decent thing by all concerned and got out first - my interpretation is he DID leave ex for new model. Correct me if I'm wrong Washwithcare.

Now u have got a grade A mess and sounds like this will be hurtin a lot of people 4 a long time to come and i think u all need to start behaving like decent adult individuals and try to sort out wot uv already fucked up.

Think of the kids - the ex's 2 haven't had good male role models (or they might have had for 10 yrs, now he's gone and blown it)
and they're in single parent family again - not easy for them or mum - regardless how much money DH throws at them! Money can't heal feelins of rejection/loss.

Ex prob mourning loss of relationship - she may still love him for God's sake and be hurtin real bad! Have a heart - the deed is done, but u need to live with the consequences (ie. backlash/history/extended family). Wot did u expect, marrying a man u seem to nick off someone else, with kids involved?

If they give u grief, try apologizing! Not joking! In their eyes u r the wicked witch and not likely to ever forgive u, but it might take a little sting out of their tails.

U could get face to face confrontations with ex limited to somewhere away from the house - ie. a pick up/drop off point. The Ex's DC may get worse with new baby around, but DH needs to work this out - with you, her and them - giving them time with him alone perhaps.

If they want to shout at u, u should let them! Tell them u want them get if off their chest and let u know how they feel. It might diffuse their anger if they can get it out.

Ultimatums and leavin not good idea - again, think of the new baby, not urself! U say u love him 'so much' - not sounding like it!

Pls grow up and get ready to be a parent - u will need all ur energy 4 that, let alone all this other crap.

gaelicsheep · 10/01/2010 00:02

Read the thread

Harriedandflustered · 10/01/2010 00:02

I'd be interested to know if your DH has parental responsibility? Because I suspect he has, therefore to abdicate it would be morally wrong.

drloves8 · 10/01/2010 00:05

steady ladies . op is not an ow! she did not steal anyones man ok.
end of the day op and her dh could have walked away from the ex and her kids , kicked her out of his house and left her in the debts she ran up. they didnt.
they are not the bad ones in this situation.

drloves8 · 10/01/2010 00:07

harried read back , they tried to get it but couldnt because dh isnt the natural father.
its ok for them to pay , but not for them to have rights

gaelicsheep · 10/01/2010 00:09

I'm getting quite sick of this now. It doesn't take much to work out that, as it is a long thread, there are clearly developments that should be read before posting catty remarks. It's reminding me why I took such a long break from this site.

gaelicsheep · 10/01/2010 00:10

Drlove - twas the same for my DH, and he was the natural father. Children born before the automatic PR thing came in, and ex wouldn't grant it.

acatcalledfidget · 10/01/2010 00:21

What is the point in posting if you haven't read a whole thread......i don't understand that mentality?!

drloves8 · 10/01/2010 00:21

thats awful gaelicsheep. .
i dont agree with that at all. All kids should know who their own dads are, and get to see them.(unless there is a very very good reason as to why not).
i hate this carry on.
kids whos mums stop their dads seeing them
kids whos dads dont give a shit.
kids who have had been made call every boyfriend their mums ever had "dad" .so have had more dads than half a junior school class.(different if the child wants to in a LTR).
Kids whos parents poison them against each other.
Kids who parent uses them as leveradge to get what they want from the other parent.
wrong wrong wrong.

frazzled74 · 10/01/2010 00:24

even if she was the ow , no need to have her hung. relationships change and move on sometimes.
If op and her husband are both high earners, he should provide home and maintenance for the children until age 18.
visits should be set eg 1 wkend per month ,every other wkend or even just school hols, but children need stability.
op is not being unreasonable to want a more settled start for her family .
I am speaking as a child , a stepchild, a mother and a stepmother .

acatcalledfidget · 10/01/2010 00:24

and....why do some women tar all men with the same brush because they have had the misfortune to have been burned by a man....or is that a whole other post entirely?

drloves8 · 10/01/2010 00:25

just to clarify by "own dad" i mean the man who has given his dna to produce the child, unless said child is doner sperm concieved or adopted.then the adopted father is the own dad.

drloves8 · 10/01/2010 00:27

good point acatcalledfidget. think its another thread , start one !

drloves8 · 10/01/2010 00:29

would this even be happening if the op and her dh didnt earn loads though. ....i think not.

acatcalledfidget · 10/01/2010 00:29

My DH will leave me if i start a new thread at this time of night....

drloves8 · 10/01/2010 00:31

oh we can have a thread about that as well

derrymac · 10/01/2010 00:44

so soz all of u - I'm new and thought I'd read all of thread - have now! It took me so long to write all that rubbish too LOL. So glad it's all worked out Wash and now i've learned my lesson. Pls forgive an old (not v computer literate)lady! Good luck.

dizzydixies · 10/01/2010 07:43

derrymac - please don't use text speak either, this is mumsnet your know not teen-net

forehead · 10/01/2010 08:19

Troll , TROLL TROLL

dizzydixies · 10/01/2010 08:25

forehead - have you read the ENTIRE thread ?

curiositykilledhaskittens · 10/01/2010 09:32

drloves8 - totally true. It would not be happening if the DH had no money. To me it sounds like the XP has engineered a situation for her DCs where she doesn't have involvement i.e. contact of her DCs with any father. I think she is one of the above mentioned women who engineers separation of her children from their fathers either deliberately or through laziness and control freakery (I suspect the first). Why has she had two children with separate fathers 2 years apart then moved in with another man a year after the birth of her second child and engineered him providing the love and financial support of a father without providing him with any legal rights over the children? I find it very unlikely that both of her children's biological fathers were abusive to her and the children, I also can't imagine that neither of them could have been made to pay for or see their children if she had pursued them.

Even if we assume that when her two children were born and she left/was left by the fathers, she pursued them and they were uninterested, why didn't she apply for the DH to adopt them before she allowed him to be their father for 10 years?

I believe, judging by what we are told, she has engineered this situation herself because she doesn't want the DC to have a father in any sense of the word. She obviously didn't have control of the DH leaving her but I believe her history of depriving her children of a father is from before she even met the DH.

It is the XP's responsibility as a parent to ensure her children maintain contact with their father just as much as it is the father's responsibility to try and maintain contact with their DC. She has not done this at any stage. She has also manipulated the relationship the DCs have with the man they consider as their father by telling them lies about the school fees. This is obviously enough to cause the DCs significant stress as they are abusing DH and OP.

I suppose my main question would be what the DH hopes to gain from pursuing a fatherly relationship with the DC? Everything he has set up financially sounds great and I'm sure the DC will come to appreciate that. If the DH had gained parental responsibility through adoption or was the biological father then I wholeheartedly believe he should be doing everything to fight for contact with the children because the law would be able to support him. He is not the father though, he is not with the mother anymore and he never successfully sought a legal responsibility for the DCs when he could. The mother clearly doesn't want the DC to like the DH and the OP if she is so clearly turning the children against him and no-one can step in to change this emotional abuse of the children. It will continue for as long as the DH seeks contact with them and is clearly not benefitting the children in any way.

OP I think what your DH has set up is brilliant and it seems as though he is separating himself from the children more emotionally too. I hope that he is backing off a bit because actually I think pursuing a relationship with the DCs against the mothers wishes in this situation is only going to cause the DCs more emotional abuse. Hard and terribly unfair but I feel much better for your DH to view anything he gets from them as a bonus and for him to provide financially and let them choose whether they have contact. I suspect the contact will fall away now because it is clear to me the mother doesn't want your DH to father the children anymore (if she ever did) and he has no rights to assert that he does.

macdoodle · 10/01/2010 09:47

You know curiosity that has got be one of the most nasty, judgemental, superior posts I have read in a long time
I so wonder how this story would read from POV of the XP ??

I have an 8 yr old, and a 2 yr old, my XH has a baby who is 5 months older than my DD2 with another woman, I wonder what you would make of my story on the face of it - how very dare me have a child with my XH when we werent actually together, perhaps I intentionally wanted to be a single parent to a newborn and a 6yr old!
Just pointing out how easy it is to make assumptions based on just one side, which is making the OP and her DH appear slightly god like , having been the socalled "bitter abusive XW", I am well aware how easy it is to twist and turn things