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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DH choose between us and old family?

589 replies

WashwithCare · 08/01/2010 21:39

DH previously had a 10 yr living together relationship with a woman who already had 2 kids from 2 different dads. Children were 1 and 3 when she moved in with DH. They do not see their own fathers and call DH dad.

DH left his ex when we met (bit of a whirl wind romance) and 6 mths later, we married. I'm expected our first baby this month.

DH tried to be reasonable, and let his ex-gf stay in his house. He is a super high earner, and also paid child support at well above CSA rates, and more besides. HIs ex is always demanding more money, despite the fact that he is not he kid's father, and they weren't married.

Last 2 years have been a nightmare re his old family. His ex turns up screaming on teh door step, kids scream abuse at me - and oldest has now started stealing stuff from our house. Contact is patchy, and mum either changes arrangemetn at last minute, so expensive hols, show tickets etc are lost or literally dumps the kids on our doorstep.

She hasn't worked in years, and has made no attempt to train or find work.

I have had enough. I am seriously considering telling DH (and I do love him so much) that it't either them or me.. Unless he evicts them from his house, has no further contact and stops any more payments, I will walk!

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
gaelicsheep · 09/01/2010 21:43

WWC - that's fantastic! Good on your DH - it all sounds really sensible.

It is dreadful how many men lose contact with their children. However I'm pretty certain that alot of those cases are at the behest of the mother, sadly.

Original poster
WashwithCare · 09/01/2010 21:45

yes - you're right drlove8 - I don't think DH thought he would support ex for life, but as she had no money at all, he felt he had to provide cash for food and to pay bills etc..

In the beginning she had credit cards in his name - DH didn't want to cancel them, but in first 3 months of split, she spent so much (£7k on handbgs and shoes alone) that he had to stop them. Then he gave her an allowance.. but she always spends it in about a week and comes back for more... nightmare!

OP posts:
daytoday · 09/01/2010 21:45

Just re-read the whole thing. I feel the OP is explaining things in a very black and white way and wants a black and white, clear solution, that everyone can sit down and agree too. Anyone who has experienced a separation, either as a kid or as a partner knows that they are messy for a long time and then calm down, hopefully. The messier the split - the longer the healing time.

He left her and then two weeks later is dating you. Obviously you did nothing wrong, but from the ex's point of view it must all have happened very suddenly.

However, the Ex is in an unusual situation. She has no job, nor career - yet together (your husband and ex) they have brought up her children in what appears to be luxury - private school etc. I think your ex let your husband into their life - maybe he loved being part of family life? Do you think your ex should sit down with the kids and look them in the eye and say, 'Well you're not mine biolgically so really I'm not responsible for you - I've got my own child coming near. Thanks for the memories. . . maybe if your mum weren't such a headache, and it were easier for me, I'd stay in touch.'

I do really feel about kids caught up in it. THIS IS WHY IT IS COMPLICATED.

Maybe she is a coaster, maybe not. However, the kids are his and you need to accept this.

I haven't read anything about how your husband feels or what he wants to do. If he wants to stand by the kids then you should applaud yourself for having such a lovely man.

Has he spoken to the kids about the split - sat them down and told them how much he loves them - will be there -but that he loves you too and will not love this new child any more or less.

drloves8 · 09/01/2010 21:46

WOW Wash ! what a result . i love the fact your dh has taken charge of the situation and sorted it out ...less stress for you and baby! .
Its very very kind of him to rent the house to his ex for £1 a month , and what a great idea about the trust for education.
this is all very positive.
I also think that dh spending time with the kids outwith your home will give you breathing space and a chance to concentrate on the arrangements for the baby.(being stressed and about to give birth is no picnic).

dizzydixies · 09/01/2010 21:49

WWC am pleased that he has been thinking about this and fwiw I don't think that he has been unfair or unjust at all. It sounds like he is keen to continue to have contact with the DC and ensure that they can continue their education without facilitating her further.

I would however suggest that he sits down and explains all this to the DC as at 13 and 15yrs old they should be old enough to understand.

wubblybubbly · 09/01/2010 21:50

WWC that sounds like a brilliant plan and I'm glad you and your DH have been able to sort this out so you're both happy. I'm sure you must feel a whole load better just knowing that DH is considering how you feel in all of this.

Here's hoping the DC will realise that your DH is still there for them despite the fact that his relationship with their mother didn't work out and they can start to rebuild their relationship with their Dad and treat you with a little respect too. Good luck!

Original poster
WashwithCare · 09/01/2010 21:56

Thanks everyone.

I do feel this is a real step forward.

Dizzydixies - I know DH won't want to explain this to the children. He feels that DC shoudln't be drawn into argumetns about finances as these are adult concerns. In particular, he doesn't want to go down the route of saying that there mother is wrong... or proving that he is paying when she says he has paid nothing... I sort of agree with that...

The point of setting up the fund is that he feels he has done the only thing he coudl do - make funds available. Now we can withdraw from decisions we have no real power in. If she wants to deprive her kids of the school they love - then it is up to her. We just won't be part of her am-dram games... Hopefully things will settle down now...

(BIG, BIG SMILE ON MY FACE NOW)

OP posts:
Doodleydoo · 09/01/2010 22:01

Good Luck WWC, glad it has all worked itself out for the best (currently!) it seems he is a very sensible man and obviously the lack of communication you had to do with this matter has played on your mind to the worst extent! I bet you feel better now and hopefully this will help the last weeks of your pregnancy to pass smoothly. good luck and keep us up to date!

dizzydixies · 09/01/2010 22:02

sorry I didn't make myself clear. Whilst I agree wholeheartedly regards her dramatics and you both removing yourselves from that, I think they would need an explanation re their visits/timing etc

giving them knowledge that the invitation is always open for them to decide on (and no offence but when I was 15yrs old I'd rather be with my mates than my parents) should allow THEM the choice and not her.

does that make sense at all?

gaelicsheep · 09/01/2010 22:06

WWC - FWIW I agree with your DH's approach regarding the financial stuff. I think it's despicable when mothers discuss the financial arrangements between themselves and their exes with their children. If the father can't afford to contribute much, for whatever reason, this is painted as him not loving the children. Or, as in your case, the kids are fed a pack of lies. I don't think it is something that the children should be burdened with at all, as financial arrangements and parental love are completely separate things.

macdoodle · 09/01/2010 22:11

gaelicsheep

However I'm pretty certain that alot of those cases are at the behest of the mother, sadly

WTF are you serious???? I would absofuckinglutely be certain its down to the father pissing off Would be very interested in you source/evidence??
How very bloody insulting to those mothers (myself included) who desperately try to maintain contact with aggressive,unreasonable men who find it easier to piss off!!

Op I am glad it is sorted, your OP sounds like a sensible kind man, YOU are very lucky to have him and would do well to remember that!

macdoodle · 09/01/2010 22:15

gaelicsheep ...again

If the father can't afford to contribute much, for whatever reason

Ypu have a bizarrely warped view of this?? So the mother who is left with sole care of the children has to find money to house, clothe, feed, school etc etc - be a shame if she couldnt afford to "for whatever reason"

gaelicsheep · 09/01/2010 22:16

Not all, macdoodle. Not all by any means. But some for sure. Mothers piss off with new partners too you know!

macdoodle · 09/01/2010 22:17

umm you said a lot, I very much suspect its the minority??

gaelicsheep · 09/01/2010 22:19

Ah, me again I see. Father made redundant or unable to work through ill health, for example. Or father makes perfectly reasonable new start after being cheated on and has new family to support. It's not difficult to think of examples, really, is it? You do seems to assume that the fathers are always the bad guys, don't you? Bit like most Mumsnetters then.

macdoodle · 09/01/2010 22:24

Because MOST fathers ARE the bad guys, my experience and that of many others!

MrsRigby · 09/01/2010 22:24

washwithcare I'm glad that your DH has sorted things and I hope you and the baby are feeling better.

I'm still and that he's even doing this though. Of course she's not going to work or claim benefits when he's helping her. I agree with a previous poster, she's doing really well out of this. I don't think anyone on here should feel sorry for her.

I'm also sorry about the witch hunt and the nastyness thats been levelled against you. There are people on you side though.

Original poster
WashwithCare · 09/01/2010 22:26

I personally think women are less likely to abandon their children than dads...

However, just want to add... for all those desperate to say DH will probably leave us next - his conduct so far, imho, has been impeccable...

A second wife has a rather good opportunity to see how their DH behaves during a break up... I can't say I am disappointed - but I sincerely hope I never need to call on his good character in this respect!

Many thanks for all the helpful responses...

I have really benefited from poster's opinions - I just need to go figure how the board works more broadly, and I can go and try and give something back too.. Thank you!

OP posts:
gaelicsheep · 09/01/2010 22:29

And I have experience of a woman who was most definitely the bad guy and has completely cut the father off from his children's lives, as do many others on here, so it is definitely not one way traffic. But from experience the only way around this particular argument is to agree to differ. Many of us on here have had horrible experiences in completely opposite situations. I don't really want to get into it all again tbh.

drloves8 · 09/01/2010 22:29

well said mrs R !

gaelicsheep · 09/01/2010 22:33

WWC - I wasn't suggesting at all that more than a tiny minority of women would abandon their children. My point was that some dads do not, in fact, piss off but are prevented by the mother, overtly or otherwise, from maintaining a relationship with their children.

Anyhow that's a whole other conversation and not one I particularly want to partake in again. Sorry to have diverted away from your good news. I really am very pleased for you and I hope it all works out for you and your family.

Frostythesurfmum · 09/01/2010 22:51

Come and find us in the stepmums section WWC. I have a 13 year old dsd and dh had been step-dad to her older siblings too. Sadly when they separated her mum refused to let him see his step-children (or dsd in fact) and while he managed to get a court order for dd, they wouldn't give one for her siblings. It was really sad because dsd's brother had grown up thinking dh was his Dad.

acatcalledfidget · 09/01/2010 23:15

That's great, I hope you get to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy stress and that the exP takes it as the generous offer that it is. Also hope that you get to enjoy a better relationship with the DC one day.

nooka · 09/01/2010 23:21

I don't think it is unfair to let the children know (once it has been agreed) about arrangements. The 15 year old at least should be perfectly capable of understanding, and it's possible that it might make them feel more secure knowing that school and home are sorted and secure (although 18 might not feel that far off). My father sat all of us down and told us about provision for our education (granted this was for university not school). But then he is an accountant, and felt that we ought to know about money.

It seems a good arrangement to set up, taking your dh out of the equation as much as possible and giving his ex good long notice of when she needs to be independent by.

natapillar · 09/01/2010 23:33

Sorry but YABU to an extent. u expect him to drop those kids? how would u feel if he dropped u and ur baby??!
A father does not have to be blood related to his children!! to want him to abandon them is unreasonable,and quite frankly very selfish.

as for them giving u abuse and stealing,then no ur not being unreasonable to feel upset. but u must try and see things from their point of view. perhaps they are trying to seek his attention. like we all know...any attention to a child,be it good or bad,is still attention.
tell ur DH how u feel,but don't demand so much from him or u may find u are the one who gets dumped.