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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mum doesnt ever baby sit

214 replies

loujo · 08/12/2009 22:17

Hi,

Is it unreasonable for me to want to go out once in awhile ? I have a 11 month yr old baby girl , but I can never go out as my mum never offers to babysit. I dont want to go out every weekend ! Just maybe once a month to go out with my friends but I carnt as my mum wont have my baby ? She has never had her to stay the night or ever really wants to look after her, She knows how hard she is and how tierd I am ..I just need a break so bad . I dont know what to do. I feel so drained and lonely , just need time out once in awhile . But how ??? !!! Anyone think of what I can do ? x

OP posts:
ssd · 08/12/2009 22:20

jesus try living like this for 11 years

sorry as someone who has no support from family I haven't any advice only snippy comments which won't help you so I'll bow out

CMOTdibbler · 08/12/2009 22:23

My mum has babysat once in 3.5 years (and will never again), and DH's parents have babysat twice and had DS to stay overnight once in that time.

If we want to go out, we pay someone. It's part of being a parent

Original poster
loujo · 08/12/2009 22:23

thanks I can tell your a caring understanding person .............NOT

OP posts:
Lauriefairyonthetreeeatscake · 08/12/2009 22:25

get a babysitter - your mum has presumably done her stint now she's brought you up.

you are unreasonable to expect childcare - yes it would be nice if it was offered, its not being so get a babysitter.

RichardCranium · 08/12/2009 22:26

not unreasonable to want to go out, but unreasonable to expect your mum to babysit.

She's your baby not your mums.

Why don't you hire someone?

Pikelit · 08/12/2009 22:26

My mother would offer to look after the dcs. Confident in the knowledge that the Irish Sea got in the way of her offer ever being taken up. So, like many of us, you'll have to find babysitters from outside the family. Do you have any friends that could look after your dd? Perhaps on the basis that you could reciprocate.

imaginewittyfestivenamehere · 08/12/2009 22:26

Do you have a partner? Does your baby have other grandparents?

Sorry to break this to you but it is not a given that granparents will want to babysit - they have had their children & many of them are glad to have those times behind them.

Having said that have you actually spoken to her about it?

As CMOTDibbler says this is what paid babysitters are for.

Clairebe · 08/12/2009 22:27

Have you ever actually come out with it and asked her if she can babysit on a certain date?

Some people will never offer anything and will always wait to be asked, is she one of them or has she flat out said in the past she doesn't want to help you?

JaneiteMightBite · 08/12/2009 22:27

YABU. Have you actually asked and been refused, or are you waiting for her to offer? Either way, it's lovely if she does it but you shouldn't expect it: she's done her share and is under no obligation now, although it's a shame.

2Shoots · 08/12/2009 22:28

mY eldest is 6 and my mother has never babysat for me to go out. Your child= your responsibility

Original poster
loujo · 08/12/2009 22:29

I would rather not go out than have a stranger in my house to babysit. But my mum said to me when I was pregnant to have the baby and she would help me ...but she hasnt helped me look after her I have done it on my own . I have alot of problems and im on medication and get so tierd . I just dont understand how she can not want to help me when she said she would ? !Any way Im grateful that my baby girl has another nanny that has her and loves her , I just wish my mum did the same

OP posts:
CharCharGabor · 08/12/2009 22:29

As others have said, you are not entitled to any childcare off her. It's not her job to look after your child for you. I have no help with childcare whatsoever. I'm not going to sulk about it, if DP couldn't look after DD I'd get a paid babysitter.

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 08/12/2009 22:29

ah well, the advice might seem harsh but it's good advice. If you don't have a willing babysitter in your mother, then turn to someone else if you really want to go out.
Part and parcel of parenting is that nights out are often few and far between unless you have family nearby or a good network of friends who are happy to babysit. I've not been out that much in all the years I've had my boys but we don't have family close by and it's only now my dcs are a bit older and I have a good group of friends who have children the same age and we now take it in turns to babysit for one another.
Your baby's only little so maybe your mum might be happier being in sole charge of her once she's a bit bigger.

BitOfFun · 08/12/2009 22:31

You say that you wish she'd offer, but perhaps you need to be more direct and ask her?

Meglet · 08/12/2009 22:31

Sorry your mum isn't willing to help. Agree that you need to find other friends / relations who might be able to babysit sometimes. Being isolated with small children is not much fun.

Lauriefairyonthetreeeatscake · 08/12/2009 22:34

Babysitting isn't really an expression of love. Sounds like you're saying there are other reasons for you not to think she loves her grandchild?

You sound very young - was part of you having the baby the expectation that you could rely on her more?

Clairebe · 08/12/2009 22:34

I think YABU to expect your mum to babysit because, like other posters have said, she's done her time and doesn't HAVE to help you.

However, if you were led to believe she would help you because of the things she said when you were pregnant, I can understand why you feel put out about it. Unfortunately, if she doesn't want to help, you can't do anything about it except take it as a lesson learned that people sometimes say things they don't mean.

Original poster
loujo · 08/12/2009 22:39

Im babysitting for her cats while she is away ! I must just be a caring person ....I could just say oh its your cat ..... put it in a cattery ....but im not like that .....families are meant to help each other arent they ?????????

OP posts:
Original poster
loujo · 08/12/2009 22:45

I dont really have any friends as I dont go out to meet any one ... That is a joke ! its along story but thanks 4 all your responses.blush

OP posts:
Clairebe · 08/12/2009 22:46

You're obviously upset about it, why not sit down and talk to her? You're wrong to just expect the help, but if you're doing things for her and getting nothing back then something needs to change.

In a perfect world families would help each other, but this is real life and it doesn't always work out like that.

Next time, before you agree to do something for her, why not say something like 'Oh, ok, but will you be available to babysit for me on x date if I do this for you?' and see what she says.

scottishmummy · 08/12/2009 22:47

LOL,you only want out once a month princess.well get your purse out book a sitter

winnybella · 08/12/2009 22:48

While I think it's not an obligation, it seems justified to me to expect one's mother to occasionally look after her grandchild. What kind of society have we become? Judging by most of the posts here, it's the most unreasonable thing to even consider such an option.
Treating your mother as a babysitter on regular basis is wrong, but I would definitely expect my mum to look after my kids once in a while for few hours- they are her grandchildren, FGS!

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 08/12/2009 22:49

I didn't agree with much of what you said in your previous posts but I do think that if you look after your mum's cats while she's away then she could repay the favour by looking after your dd for a night while you go out.
Just come out and ask her directly.

(but the old chestnut of "families are supposed to help each other aren't they" isn't a good argument imo. My parents are wonderful loving and supportive people, always looking out for their family, but they don't babysit of do childcare, they have busy lives of their own and I wouldn't expect them to look after our dcs when they've done their stint at parenting)

agalchchangedhername · 08/12/2009 22:51

I hope i will want to babysit for any GC i am lucky enough to have. If only to help my dd's/future dil's out. I know how crap it is to not have GP's who want to help/spend time with my dc

Yes GP's have had their own kids but surely folk still would like to help out their own children and spend time with the DGC?

I certainly will!!!

scottishmummy · 08/12/2009 22:51

grannys dont need expectation they have good will,if they want to

depends upon
proximity
willingness
ability
other commitments

cant assume granny should
only if she wants to