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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mum doesnt ever baby sit

214 replies

loujo · 08/12/2009 22:17

Hi,

Is it unreasonable for me to want to go out once in awhile ? I have a 11 month yr old baby girl , but I can never go out as my mum never offers to babysit. I dont want to go out every weekend ! Just maybe once a month to go out with my friends but I carnt as my mum wont have my baby ? She has never had her to stay the night or ever really wants to look after her, She knows how hard she is and how tierd I am ..I just need a break so bad . I dont know what to do. I feel so drained and lonely , just need time out once in awhile . But how ??? !!! Anyone think of what I can do ? x

OP posts:
Original poster
loujo · 08/12/2009 23:20

My daughter has 2 nans and 2 granddads YES !! What im saying is that I would like my mum to help me abit !!!! God !!!!! Is that so bad !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????? And as 4 me saying I had no friends I was Joking !!!! Well I havent got to many on here !!! haha ! The other nan does offer to have her yes , so I do go out sometimes. I just wish my mum was more involved thats all ! But I carnt have it ALL can I ! Im going to tell her how I feel and see what happens .... when shes back from her holiday that is !!!!!

OP posts:
MrsMerryHenry · 08/12/2009 23:20

Gee, thanks, winny!

cory · 08/12/2009 23:21

loujo Tue 08-Dec-09 22:29:25

"Any way Im grateful that my baby girl has another nanny that has her and loves her"

So what exactly is the problem? You told us that she has a nanny that will have her? Why can't you leave her with this loving nanny and go out then?

BitOfFun · 08/12/2009 23:21

x posts with scottishmummy, who has a better way with words

cory · 08/12/2009 23:25

loujo Tue 08-Dec-09 23:20:16

"I have a 11 month yr old baby girl , but I can never go out as my mum never offers to babysit."

"My daughter has 2 nans and 2 granddads YES !! What im saying is that I would like my mum to help me abit !!!!"

"The other nan does offer to have her yes , so I do go out sometimes."

So when you said you can never go out, that wasn't actually the case? How do you expect us to be able to help you if you are not telling us the truth?

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 08/12/2009 23:26

I think people are forgetting that we choose to become parents and take on all that that entails but people don't choose to become grandparents, so it's rather unfair to then say that someone isn't being as loving a grandparent as they could be simply because they don't drop everything every time you want a night out!
I had to have some serious surgery a couple of years ago and my mnother told me she was coming to stay, that was that and she looked after the children and did the school runs, nappy changes, toddler groups so that I could recover and so dh didn't have to have weeks off work and I couldn't have managed without her but not for a moment did I expect her to help me out, she just did,and I was immensely grateful. I didn't think "yeah well she's my mum, she SHOULD be doing that"
I'm a grown woman now, if I want a night out, I ask one of my friends if they're free and if they are great, if they're not, fair enough. There's too much emphasis put on what people think they are entitled to instead of being grateful for the odd bit of help that might come our way.

winnybella · 08/12/2009 23:26

OP, would your problem be less about not being able to go out and more about how you feel about relationship with your mother i.e. her unwillingness to do something helpful for you?

scottishmummy · 08/12/2009 23:28

going out is red herring.this is mismatch of expectations

caramelwaffle · 08/12/2009 23:30

Yes scottishmummy. You are quite right, I think.

cakewench · 08/12/2009 23:31

so... the other grandmother looks after the baby so you are able to, as you have just said, "go out sometimes." So you aren't as dramatically homebound as your original post was sounding.

Yes, if you want your mother to also babysit for you, then you need to just ask her to do so. You've been waiting and obviously she isn't going to do it on her own.

YABU for just expecting it to happen, though.

secretgardin · 08/12/2009 23:33

would have thought that with all the others in the same boat as you, that you would get a bit more sympathy, but apparantly not so. it is extremely difficult, especially the first year and i really do feel for you as you sound really isolated. maybe your mum is a bit daunted by everything, so have a proper chat with her. don't expect her to offer to baby sit, but at least let her know how you feel. maybe join a couple of toddler groups a week? not the same as a night out, but it is a start to getting out.

winnybella · 08/12/2009 23:33

Frankly, displayuntiltwelfthnight, I actually WOULD expect my mum to come and stay with me after I had a serious surgery. And I would hope she would expect me to do the same for her. Without a question.

DandyLioness · 08/12/2009 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
loujo · 08/12/2009 23:35

Im getting bombarded here ! I am grateful for the replys. Some helpful some unhelpful some quite amusing !!! Im going out now to get drunk ...... That is a JOKE !!!! Im going to bed . Thanks for the nice positive replys . I dont expect my mum to have her atall !!!!!!! I just wish she helped me abit .... maybe asking if i was ok ...or if i needed some help .....? Instead of watching me struggle . Thanks GOODNIGHT ALL XXXXXXXX

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 08/12/2009 23:36

All those grandparents and still no mention of a baby father?
You sound as if you've blundered into parenthood rather than choosing it, which is always tough, but difficult to change your mind about.
And no, not a granny yet. Two teens who know about contraception though.

scottishmummy · 08/12/2009 23:37

expectation is a heavy burden and ultimately causes tears.One person big expectation maybe another big incumberence

SomeGuy · 08/12/2009 23:38

YABVFU

MrsMerryHenry · 08/12/2009 23:39

display - it's not a question of entitlement, it's about how relationships function best. Would you expect that level of care from your DH? Why should it be okay to expect him to offer it to you but not to expect (or hope for) it from your mum? Or sister, or even your best friend if they can afford the time? This is a very isolationsist approach to life when in fact every one of us depends on each other in one way or another. Believe it or not that's not so far off from the kind of thinking that says that if I see a stranger lying in the gutter covered in blood it's okay for me to walk by if they're not a friend relative but I'm sure you wouldn't agree with that.

I would much rather live in a community where it's okay to expect things of each other rather than feel isolated because you think you may be treading on someone's toes.

And the bit about us choosing to become parents but not grandparents - huh?? That's a bit bonkers - do you not expect that your children will want to have children of their own, then?

Goblinchild · 08/12/2009 23:40

I'm also wondering if the OP is still living at home with her mother.

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 08/12/2009 23:40

Eeh, I'm clearly in the minority here then, not expecting my parents to do more than what they already do - love me, my dh, my children, spend time with us, chat on the phone often.
It seems I should be asking them to babysit as well!!!
sheesh!

MrsMerryHenry · 08/12/2009 23:41

SomeGuy, you know, I can't bear it when people post like you just did - it's like shoot the OP then piss off and don't explain. Very rude IMO!

scottishmummy · 08/12/2009 23:42

who made you MN editor in chief?not your remit to appraise posts

mrsboogiefairylights · 08/12/2009 23:42

blundered into parenthood?

well, God forbid.

she obviously doesn't deserve the odd bit of help from her mum having blundered into it..

it's a a good job the mum didn't blunder into cat ownership or she wouldn't deserve any help with the pussies when he goes on her hols...

MrsMerryHenry · 08/12/2009 23:43

Roflrofl sm - are you writing to me?? If you are that makes you a massive hypocrite!

Original poster
loujo · 08/12/2009 23:43

dandylioness I dont know what the hell your talking about talk properly !!!! whats DD ??? BU ?? IMO ??? meant to mean !!!!! aaaarrrrrrrh pooooooor meeeeeeeeeee . haha ! how funny !!!!! Have u heard the phrase..... FO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! haha

OP posts:
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