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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mum doesnt ever baby sit

214 replies

loujo · 08/12/2009 22:17

Hi,

Is it unreasonable for me to want to go out once in awhile ? I have a 11 month yr old baby girl , but I can never go out as my mum never offers to babysit. I dont want to go out every weekend ! Just maybe once a month to go out with my friends but I carnt as my mum wont have my baby ? She has never had her to stay the night or ever really wants to look after her, She knows how hard she is and how tierd I am ..I just need a break so bad . I dont know what to do. I feel so drained and lonely , just need time out once in awhile . But how ??? !!! Anyone think of what I can do ? x

OP posts:
Meglet · 08/12/2009 22:51

winnybella well said. I have every intention of babysitting when my dc's have children. My GP's looked after me, and my sister and my parents (and stepmum) help with my two. Mind you, they help with childcare so I can work, I've only had 3 short nights out this year.

winnybella · 08/12/2009 22:53

Obviously, given that that the circumstances permit- I would not ask my mum to drive for hours to babysit, or just drop the kids on her without the warning or when it's inconvenient for her etc.
It's not that is her duty to babysit, rather that I would imagine that if you have a loving relationship, that wouldn't be much of an issue.

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 08/12/2009 22:56

why does not having a babysitter mean you can't see your friends?
Can't you invite your friends over to your house for an evening on a regular basis to keep up the social side of things? Or go to their house and stay over with your dd once in a while?

mrsboogiefairylights · 08/12/2009 22:59

hmm.. well firstly if you are looking after the woman's cats then she bloody owes you a bit of babysitting.

I take it you are a single mum? and quite young? Believe me, I now how hard and lonely that is.

some of the replies on here are unsympathetic because you have only been in this position for less than a year. Unhelpful crap.

Do you go to any mum and toddler groups? If you get out with your baby when you can you will meet to their mums in a similar position - hopefully then you could set up a babysitting circle or something.

Original poster
loujo · 08/12/2009 23:00

yes thankyou , Im not asking her to do it ALL the time. In fact I dont ask , but it does upset me that she doesnt offer to help me . And yes I know shes had her kids...bla bla bla... But I run around and do everything ....she doesnt wrk and does nothing alday .. Im trying to be the best mum I can Im just so tierd and rundown and she can see that ! Even when I had the worst flu the other week she still didnt say... look u need a rest ... I felt like death !!!! The other nan did offer to have her because she knew I was really ill. It looks like alot of you are probably grans/grandads ! And dont help with your grandkids??? Im not paying some1 to look after my girl !!!! A stranger !!! YEAH thats a good idea !!!!!!!

OP posts:
cory · 08/12/2009 23:00

I don't quite get your position OP. In your first post you say you can never go out because your mum won't have your dd. But in a later post you say you are glad she does have her other nanny who does love her and will have her. So does that mean you can go out after all?

LadyVolupta · 08/12/2009 23:01

Aww..Its hard,...I used to get pissed off with my mother never offering to babysit, when i remember spending ALOT of weekends with my grandparents when I was young, so SHE (my mother) could have 'time' off.....but when I ask her to have my kids..her granchildren for an hour for me to do my hair, she kicks off, and makes excuses, ...where, I have to look after my brother (whose 11) when she has to go to work, when I have 2 small kids to run around after.....I never ask my mum to babysit anymore, I ask relatives, and sometimes pay them, when im flush ;) think positive xx

scottishmummy · 08/12/2009 23:02

a wee tip:angry rant to respondents calling 'em "granny" doesn't imbue a cuddly sense of warmth

you come across a bulgy reyed raver

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 08/12/2009 23:03

don't agree at ALL that having a loving relationship with your mother equates to her babysitting for you.
My mother and I are very close but she doesn't babysit. I don't expect her to. If she comes to stay we might take the chance to have a night out but it's an added bonus.
DH and I have plenty of friends - we go to each other's houses and take it in turns to babysit but on the whole we don't go out as much as we used to before we had kids. That's just how it goes.
My parents have a busy life, they've brought up their children, we're all now parents ourselves and are happy to take responsibility for our own children and work out ways to see friends without the need to turn to our parents. They see their grandchildren regularly when they are awake - no fun for them to sit in our living room while the boys are asleep and we are out having a night on the tiles!

norfolkBRONZEturkey · 08/12/2009 23:04

"Im not paying some1 to look after my girl !!!! A stranger !!! YEAH thats a good idea !!!!!!!"
some people have to do just that and not from choice. Maybe start by asking her to help once in a blue moon. Then worry about monthly. A lot of people can name the dates they have been out as its such a rarity so you will always find people on here who know how you feel. To be honest though if youre feeling that run down I'm not sure going outs what you need. Maybe time to have a luxurious bath and a sleep with no interruptions would be better

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 08/12/2009 23:04

and I'm not a granny and nor, I don't believe, are a lot of the posters on this thread!

scottishmummy · 08/12/2009 23:06

lou i suggest you unclench and go easy on ole excamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cupcakesinthesnow · 08/12/2009 23:07

I'm a bit confused as well. You say the other nanny has your dd. So presumably you do go out sometimes when she has her? You say you want to go out with your friends but later on say you don't have any friends??

Babysitters can become friends as you get to know them. It's rather a statement to say you wont pay someone to look after your dd. Firstly, its how most parents manage to go out - by paying a sitter! Secondly if your dd goes into childcare when she is a bit older and maybe you are working then the nursery staff etc will essentially be strangers initially and you will be paying them.....

Original poster
loujo · 08/12/2009 23:09

Im a single mother who suffers from panic attacks and anxiety attacks which are really horrible. I need a break , and I do not think im being unreasonable. I think alot of you lot are !!! Lucky I still have a sense of humour to laugh at some of your comments !

OP posts:
Lauriefairyonthetreeeatscake · 08/12/2009 23:09

What about the baby's dad? Can't he do some babysitting (hate saying that as dads don't babsit their own children) Get him round to pull his weight.

MrsMerryHenry · 08/12/2009 23:11

I totally agree with winnybella. I couldn't imagine becoming a grandmother and not making myself available to help out with childcare - firstly because I'd want to spend time with my grandchildren myself (especially for lovely baby cuddles) and secondly because, not having a mother alive, I am blardy jealous of my friends who can refer back to their mums when they need them. Being a parent doesn't stop when your children grow up, our role changes as their lives change and IMO that includes being an involved grandparent. This whole 'busy lives' argument sounds complete self-centred bollocks to me - if we can't make time out of our busy-ness for the people who should mean the most to us, then IMO there's something seriously wrong with our priorities.

So loujo, I don't think YABU at all to want this level of support. However, from what you've written it sounds as though your relationship with your mother is not ideal, in which case perhaps you need to deal with that first, before asking her for help.

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 08/12/2009 23:11

not sure the AIBU is the place for you to have posted really as you can be assured of plain speaking and down to earth responses
Have some friends over for the evening, relax, kick your shoes off and take a deep breath. The more you do that, the more chance you have of finding friends who will babysit for you in future.

Meglet · 08/12/2009 23:12

I'm not a granny. Won't be one for at least another 25 years ( I hope).

scottishmummy · 08/12/2009 23:17

lou,be less adversarial,to posters and maybe dialogue will be easier

sure you dont intend to,but you come across bit arsey.sorry you dont like answwers but well you asked..

winnybella · 08/12/2009 23:17

displayuntiltwelfthnight- it all depends on circumstances, though, doesn't it?
Obviously, once you have children, your lifestyle changes. And, if you can afford a babysitter, well, that's great.
But, for instance, my mother lives in another country. When she comes to visit, we go out together few times, and also she will offer to babysit few times so me and DP can enjoy a dinner out together. Now, again, it's not a duty, but then she's my mother, she loves me and she wants to help. Seems pretty strightforward to me. I hope to be able to do the same for my children.
There is a difference between expecting your mother to be on call at all times should you wish to go out, and simply expecting some help from time to time, again, circumstances permitting.

hohohonotlongtogo · 08/12/2009 23:18

I would never trust my parents to be alone with my two ds' for five minuites let alone a whole night, I have a great friend who will babysit on occasion if i ask. I would like to have a little more child free time (once a month would be amazing) but it's not going to happen, you say the other grandparents help so consider yourself lucky as allot of people have no one. If you are feeling that run down maybe see a gp? an evening getting drunk will not fix your emotional state.

winnybella · 08/12/2009 23:18

Very well put MrsMerryHenry

MrsMerryHenry · 08/12/2009 23:19

Rofl at scottishmummy saying someone else comes across as a bit arsey!!

BitOfFun · 08/12/2009 23:19

Have you found any suggestions or viewpoints useful, even if they've just helped you consider things from another perspective? Because it's polite to thank those posters if you are going to rudely dismiss the others.

caramelwaffle · 08/12/2009 23:19

You say her other grandmother looks after her. Is this every week, or every month?

When does your daughter's father have her to stay?