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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

mum doesnt ever baby sit

214 replies

loujo · 08/12/2009 22:17

Hi,

Is it unreasonable for me to want to go out once in awhile ? I have a 11 month yr old baby girl , but I can never go out as my mum never offers to babysit. I dont want to go out every weekend ! Just maybe once a month to go out with my friends but I carnt as my mum wont have my baby ? She has never had her to stay the night or ever really wants to look after her, She knows how hard she is and how tierd I am ..I just need a break so bad . I dont know what to do. I feel so drained and lonely , just need time out once in awhile . But how ??? !!! Anyone think of what I can do ? x

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 09/12/2009 10:51

wasnt the cascading information that made me LOL was the insults and hissy fits and the exploding exclamation marks

Original poster

loujo · 09/12/2009 10:52

one : I dont EXPECT her too babysit ! I just wish she was more involved thats all. And as for me being rude ... you werent exactly polite to me calling me a troll , immiture , arsey ...etc..... !!

OP posts:

Stigaloid · 09/12/2009 10:52

My mum rarely baby sits. we use www.sitters.co.uk and are very happy with them. Hire a baby sitter and go out - parents don't have obligations to babysit.

Original poster

loujo · 09/12/2009 10:54

like I said I know she doesnt have no obligation to baby sit ! Or doesnt have to .. I just wish she was there 4 me more . Thats it .

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 09/12/2009 11:19

well you know what,just say that.calmy with out !!!!!! and FO and calling us all grannys

post again,imagine you will get supportive advice.

but i guess be prepared it will take time and tears to explore why it is like this -and good luck

ImSoNotTelling · 09/12/2009 11:21

well if i had got pg at 16/17, and my mum had said to have the baby and that she would help me, and then she didn't, i'd be pretty pissed off too.

scottishmummy · 09/12/2009 11:25

but lou says she gets help,she isnt alone in a squat eating beans.ultimately her baby is her responsibility, not her mums.that is the overwhelming part of being a mum the complete responsibility,the shift from me to we

disapointing to be let down- yes.but dont expect someone else to help out

MrsMattie · 09/12/2009 11:26

Oi oi, what's happened here then?

My two pennies worth: Everyone needs a break, loujo. It's really hard being a parent when you haven't got much support. I think it's especially hard when you're still so young yourself. Could you stretch to a babysitter every now and then? Or do you have a mate who could watch your baby for a few hours? Your mum doesn't have an obligation to babysit and obviously doesn't want to, so I'd leave that one alone.

ImSoNotTelling · 09/12/2009 11:32

Yes ultimately the baby is her responsibility. However when she fell pg she was a child herself, the father is obviously not around. As a child you go to your mum and ask her advice, what should I do? She says to keep the baby, and she will help out and support etc.

So the baby comes and mum has a change of heart.

I call that pretty crappy and am not surprised the OP is upset. And she is still terribly young.

OP talk to your mum about it as others have said. It is hard as you are still young yourself and so maybe still see her as a hands on mum to you and she should understand anticipate and want to help. But you have a child now and you have to be the grown up. Talk to your mum and tell her how you feel, explain that you need some help, ask her if she will help you. Try not to get emotional as if you are still a kid and mummy is being horrible - it is you child you need to look out for. And looking after yourself is a part of that as well.

Talk to your mum, be calm, good luck.

scottishmummy · 09/12/2009 11:45

HV often arrange specific groups/support for young mums.what about surestart? try meet other mums form a support network.

yes,raising a baby as single mum is so so hard,and naturally and help would be appreciated. but realistically if this is likely to be lower than your expectations then you do need to seek help elsewhere or come to terms with what your mum will do

try stay calm,no argy bargy or she said/i said.and establish what she will do, can she offer regular or is it as and when

do any colleges or gym offer creche so you can get something done for yourself

UndomesticHousewife · 09/12/2009 11:49

loujo, it is hard with a baby and everyone no matter how young or old they are needs a break.
I'm lucky as I have a dh who is there to sit with the dc's if I need to do something or want to go out. It would be so hard if I didn't have that - I know, as I was on my own (through dh working away) for quite a while and I definitely needed a break.

It would be nice if your mum offered to help you rather than you having to ask her.
I know that having to ask sort of feels like she would be doing something that she doesn't really want to do, but you maybe surprised if you talk to her and let her know how hard you find it sometimes.

My MIL is totally rubbish and she's the only support (other than dh) I have here where I live, and I know only too well that feeling that you would like someone to offer because they want to see their GC without having to ask them to do it or that they can see that you're exhausted and are doing it for you too.

You are only young and if you're on your own it becomes even more important that you have a support network, but ultimately you can't force people to be the way you would like them to be so try to find other avenues of support either through your dd's other grandparents or through friends that you will need to make.

Your dd is getting to an age now where you can go to local toddler groups hopefully you will meet some good friends there that could help you out, or speak to your health visitor about the available support or groups for your age in your area.

No, you're not being unreasonable to want your mum to be more involved, and it is sad that she isn't and it's making you feel like this but things can and do change for the better in time and I'm sure that one way or another it will for you too.

ImSoNotTelling · 09/12/2009 11:50

Top idea from sm about surestart and groups etc. Have a look on your borough website/talk to HV at baby clinic see what it available.

UndomesticHousewife · 09/12/2009 11:54

Also great idea from sm about colleges and/or gym and their creche facilities, doing something for yourself is important too.

ssd · 09/12/2009 16:01

op when I first posted I didn't realise you were a lone parent, so even though I said we have no outside support, which we haven't, dh is here so I'm not so badly off. there are lots of good suggestions here, toddler groups, sure start, HV etc. I know how hard it is needing help and not being offered, its must make you feel very hurt.

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