To be furious with DH and cnsidering kicking him out?

[grumpydrawers]

I'm fully aware that I might be flamed for this, but here goes, AIBU?
DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 6, we have two beautiful kids, 4 yo and 1 yo. We both have a reasonably colourful past, DH was quite into drugs in his 'youf'. Once DC's came along we made an agreement, no more hard drugs. He still smokes the odd joint, which I can live with but really not happy about anything harder than that.
He has one particular friend who I really don't like but tolerate for the sake of harmony, they have been mates since kids etc. Every time DH sees him he behaves like a kid, either gets really hammered and ends up staying on someones floor or as I have recently discovered ends up taking coke or similar. DH never tells me, but I usually find out from another friend or family member.
Today I found out that he met up with him on Thursday night, ostensibly to do some work for him, and took some 'meow'. I know nothing about this drug and from the research I've done it looks pretty unresearched, no known side effects, but a couple of deaths potentially linked to it.
I confronted him about it and he said it's not an issue, he'd done his research and that it was not an illegal drug. He is more concerned that I went through his text messages to find out about it, I actually didn't, DD was playing with his phone and I happened to see a sent message to this friend about the after effects and how many lines he'd taken. To this I told him that we shouldn't have any secrets anyway and me seeing his messages is not the big issue.
I have said before that I would kick him out if I found out that he was doing any hard drugs and I am tempted to threaten him with that again now.
I really love him and don't want to split over this as after all it is done and dusted now, but I really want him to understand that he can't do it again, I will not have anyone in my childrens life that is this irresponsible. My feeling is that I have two choices: ask him to leave to show how much this has angered me and as I know he wont want to do this it will show him how serious I am about it never happening again.
Or I tell him that I don't want him to see this freind again. I know it is not my place to dictate his friends, but he can't seem to control himself when he is around him, and I don't trust them together at all. DH is easily influenced and this guy is a bad influence.
So AIBU and what would you do?

I would have dumped him after the first time, tbh.

But I have no time or patience for grown ups who act like goons.

I really haven't.

He's a (supposed) grown up and should be able to hold his own around his friends. Bad influence is no excuse.
He knows how you feel about the drug issue. No excuses. I completely agree with expat on this one.

So what would you do? Kick him out?

agree with expat

I really think you have to come down hard, or else he will carry on doing it if you let this pass

if this is a dealbreaker for you (and this fine IMO), then he has to be left with absolutely no doubt that you mean what you say

give him one more chance, make sure he understands that you are serious

but be prepared to act on your threats, otherwise you are wasting your energy

Another vote for expat's advice.

The friend is irrelevant, if it had not been him it would have been another one, as long as h was presented with the opportunity.

I agree, it is totally his decision, but just seems it always happens with this friend, and his brother, come to think of it.

So other than the fact that you don't want him to do drugs and it makes you angry that he's not obeying you, what are the ill effects of his occasional recreational drug use on your family life?

Meow is mephradrone.

A stupid drug used by foolish teens, who rip their scrotums off whilst on it or die.

Sounds like something an adult and father worth having around would defo want to try.

I would be very angry about this, and it would (potentially) be a deal breaker for me. You said that you and your DH had agreed no more hard drugs when you had children. That means, no more hard drugs. Not, no more hard drugs apart from when I see this mate, or no more hard drugs except when I go out with my brother.

It is, imo, a responsible attitude to take once you have a child. I gauge from your post that you are more worried about the potential risks to your DH's health/life than any jealousies of him taking drugs and you aren't or any control issues?

I really can't say whether or not you should kick him out, only you can know that. However, you do need to discuss this with him and outline the reasons why you do not think that his occasional drug use is acceptable now that he has responsibilities.

Breaking an agreement is a big deal, as is indulging in potentially fatal recreational activities.
ANd yes, I would include serious drinking in that. Everyone's got their own limits and the OP made hers clear from the outset.

dont issue ultimatium you wont act upon.no hollow threats

your dh is an adult,he wasn't coerced or forced to take drugs.he likes them,he uses them.he chooses to ignore your wishes despite drugs causing previous aggro

you seem ambivalent about what to do next.perhaps he detects this and takes the piss

so,realistically what now?
calmly and with out arguing,no he said/i said,as a couple set some explicit behavioural boundaries and expectations

and you have to stick to them.or else no point issuing empty ultimatum

4-methylmethcathinone (4-MMC) and also known as:

Mephedrone/MCAT 4-methylmethcathinone (4-MMC) Meow (street name) illegal and similar to MDMA.induces state of euphoria,elated mood,dis-inhibition.puts heart under enormous stress can cause cardiac failure and/or fits

increasingly popular.linked to female clubber death in Scandinavia

Trust is the major issue, plus the fact that he is participating in an activity that could very well lead to my children growing up without a father.

If you know he's done coke in the past and you've turned a blind eye then I'm not surprised he's done this too. I'm not blaming you but you've let it go before so he knows that he can get away with it.

And while it is legal at the moment I shouldn't think it will be for much longer - the only reason it isn't illegal is that it's new

You might like this article, always assuming you haven't read it before.

Anyways, always nice to welcome a new poster.

Trust is one issue but tbh I dont understand why you are more angry about this which he may not have considered a hard drug than about the coke????

I wouldnt have anyone in my child's life who behaved like this in terms of the drugs, the lies or teh getting hammered. I just can't abide it. Imho once my dh and I had kids our priority is them, I would hate my kid thinking it was ok to behave in the way your dh is and more to the point, what if he died? How would you explain that to the kids? Completely unacceptable, I can't advise you as from your post you seem to put up with alot of things I wouldnt, if it was MY dh he would have been out on his ear a very long time ago.

I agree with everyone on here. Whilst only you can make your mind up what to do, I would consider this a very good reason for getting rid of him. He has shown that he thinks little of your feelings on the subject. If he promises never to do it again, as you agreed the last time, can you be sure he is telling the truth?

I haven't turned a blind eye to the Coke, I have very strongly let him know my feelings on this, and that is what led to the agreement about no more hard drugs.
He is a brilliant father and I love him very much so really don't want this to spell the end of our realtionship, but I am worried that even if we talk about this and agree (again) to no moreharddrugs that he will just do it again and keep it a secret from me,andIhate secrets more than the drugtaking. He never tells me what he has been up to on a night out, which always makes me suspicious, but there are only a couple of times that I have had proof that he has taken anything.

you obviously don't trust him, and cannot see a time when you will

oh dear, not sounding good

how old is your DH? Because he is acting like a child, he is acting like an idiot - he is a twunt!

Its the secrecy that would be the deal breaker with me, the fact that he goes off on benders would be a the deal breaker for me, it would be the drug use that would be the deal breaker for me.

Sorry, but he actually isn't a brilliant dad - being a brilliant dad doesn't stop at being your childs best buddy, theres providing for your child the best you can, there is acting in a way that would you would want your child to act, not putting your health and livelihood at risk acting like a fecking teenager. Saying you are taken ill when he is off on one of his benders, saying one of the children are taken ill?

He either grows up or ends up like one of those sad losers you see in the pub that without noticing morph from mr cool guy who everyone wants to hang out with to the old mether sat at the bar that people avoid like the plague.