To be furious with DH and cnsidering kicking him out?

[grumpydrawers]

I'm fully aware that I might be flamed for this, but here goes, AIBU?
DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 6, we have two beautiful kids, 4 yo and 1 yo. We both have a reasonably colourful past, DH was quite into drugs in his 'youf'. Once DC's came along we made an agreement, no more hard drugs. He still smokes the odd joint, which I can live with but really not happy about anything harder than that.
He has one particular friend who I really don't like but tolerate for the sake of harmony, they have been mates since kids etc. Every time DH sees him he behaves like a kid, either gets really hammered and ends up staying on someones floor or as I have recently discovered ends up taking coke or similar. DH never tells me, but I usually find out from another friend or family member.
Today I found out that he met up with him on Thursday night, ostensibly to do some work for him, and took some 'meow'. I know nothing about this drug and from the research I've done it looks pretty unresearched, no known side effects, but a couple of deaths potentially linked to it.
I confronted him about it and he said it's not an issue, he'd done his research and that it was not an illegal drug. He is more concerned that I went through his text messages to find out about it, I actually didn't, DD was playing with his phone and I happened to see a sent message to this friend about the after effects and how many lines he'd taken. To this I told him that we shouldn't have any secrets anyway and me seeing his messages is not the big issue.
I have said before that I would kick him out if I found out that he was doing any hard drugs and I am tempted to threaten him with that again now.
I really love him and don't want to split over this as after all it is done and dusted now, but I really want him to understand that he can't do it again, I will not have anyone in my childrens life that is this irresponsible. My feeling is that I have two choices: ask him to leave to show how much this has angered me and as I know he wont want to do this it will show him how serious I am about it never happening again.
Or I tell him that I don't want him to see this freind again. I know it is not my place to dictate his friends, but he can't seem to control himself when he is around him, and I don't trust them together at all. DH is easily influenced and this guy is a bad influence.
So AIBU and what would you do?

If you really love your DH give him one more chance, sit him down, and tell him if you ever hear of him doing hard drugs again then you will have to walk away from your marriage, for you childrens sake. If he does it after that, then he is stupid and you deserve better hun! move on!

'Are you trying to tell me that if I take two lines of coke on NYE, it will certainly significantly affect my behaviour beyond the following afternoon? '

No, it's just going to significantly affect the lives of millions of innocent people, including millions of children by your demand for it alone, be it NYE or every day, it's basically saying, 'Fuck you and your lives, as long as I get to have fun right now.'

How it affects the user, hey, the more of them snuff it from doing that shit, the better as they won't be around to create more demand for it.

I'm saying if you have a mindset that taking drugs at all is OK as a parent then it will affect your life and relationships. Drugs don't only affect you physically.

My ex was caught with 5 pills which were for his own use on his way to a party when he was 16 and he was prosecuted for posession with intent to supply. He got a fine because he was 16 and it is off his record because he was under 18.

You don't know what will happen. What if there is an emergency with your child and you are high? It takes a lot longer to come down than it does to sober up. What if you get really high and do something really stupid?

thisxgirl - you didn't specifically say that you can't tell if people are taking drugs however you have said repeatedly (IIRC) that drug use is far more common than us square people realise - my point was to address the misconception that those who disapprove aren;t aware of the scale of the use of drugs:

A) I fail to see why the fact that it is common should affect whether I think its right or not. Binge drinking is extremely common and I disapprove of that too. For anyone (for their own health reasons) but particularly for parents in charge of small children

B) I have never (to my knowledge) been in the presence of someone using drugs or alcohol without being very aware of it.

My "history" of drugs as you put it was in fact in response to your I'm in my mid thirties (or was it early?) and we all do it" Well it was just as common when I was in my 20's though the drug of choice may have changed as cocaine has become more affordable and more trendy.

Youdon;t address my last point - why is it that for every other vice responsible adults are expects to take some ownership i=of it and at least pay lip service to it not being good for them and attempting to cut back/out - alcohol/smoking/being fat etc. Drugs however when its discussed descends into either "its outrageous, take their children away" or "you are all hysterical drinking is far less safe than drugs". Whats wrong with the position that they aren't good for you and they affect your judgement and you should try to cut them back/out?

And of course as Expat has (repeatedly!) the manufacturers are linked to horrible crimes and yet Nestle gets a worse press on Mumsnet sometimes than drug producers are!

Basically many people who want to do drugs do not want to face up to the many issues involved and saying alcohol is as bad/worse is like saying "I'll punch you in the face rather than the stomach because it hurts less".

And so the usual cocaine is bad vs cocaine, what's the big deal? arguement continues on MN

People who continue to use cocaine (however irregularly), will continue to sprout the old, 'coke is fine, no worse than alcohol' bollocks to try and normalise their behaviour. The thing is though, people who take coke talk bollocks. It is a nasty grubby little drug which makes you paranoid when you take it. You do in reality know that it is a nasty, grubby little drug, yet you continue to have the odd line because you think it makes you more interesting, feel more attractive, it gives you a buzz, you're just weak-willed, whatever.

I have been there, done it, got the teeshirt. It is bollocks. Seriously thisxgirl, I would have a look at changing your social group if I were you. I too used to think that everyone I knew took coke, ergo it can't be that bad, it is a respectable, nay, middle class drug . It's amazing actually that you can be a vivacious, attractive, witty person without doing coke and have vivacious, attractive, witty friends who have never taken it.

Oh, just to reiterate, coke is bollocks, and the people who take it talk bollocks (and not just when they are using it).

ha ha ha! Rindercella!

expat - I would understand your argument if I was actively complicit by buying the drugs myself. I don't seek it or buy it. I'm just occasionally in a social situation (though haven't been for a year and half, may be in the future) where there are drugs and if I am offered, my decision will not be based on whether it is legal or acceptable in society. I don't respect a government that allows and normalizes one type of substance because they're taxing it, while arguably irrationally demonising something else and firing their advisors when the scientific evidence they find doesn't correlate with their neat 'war on drugs'. I think that regular, habitual drug use is unacceptable in society with good reason - I too cannot abide it - but I will stand up to say that a parent who has a little amount of an illegal substance a couple of times a year because it's there at a party and it can be fun in a small dose like alcohol is not that f*cking bad!

rindercella - I don't hang out in those social circles anymore. I thought I'd made it clear that that was history but presently I am not closed to drugs in a black and white way. I haven't dabbled with drugs for a year and half after actively distancing myself, long before falling pregnant. It is an empty and illusory life that I just flirted with. But there is a difference between being at parties with tons of people smashed on coke or pills or MDMA every weekend and being that irritating, self-important sweaty cliche - and having a little on NYE because in a small dose, it perks you up and makes you more talkative. Somehow it's acceptable to have a couple of glasses of wine after work to 'unwind' but it's not okay to take a line of coke at a party once in a blue moon to enhance your social experience. Talk about hypocrisy. The talking crap stage really only comes after a couple of lines - and that's not me being deluded, I'm going off experiences of being in rooms with people taking coke while I'm sober. Not once have I condoned regular or heavy drug use so please don't put that on me.

thisxgirl - wine is not illegal - you will not be a criminal if you have a couple of glasses of wine. You are not likely to be completely smashed eiher or totally useless the following day. No-one is putting heavy drug use on you just saying that we disagree that occasional use is fine or better.

It is illegal - I don't understand why you can't grasp that concept. Whatever you think about the relative effects of alcohol vs cocaine, cocaine will always be worse because it is illegal and you are indulging in criminal behaviour when you take it.

'and having a little on NYE because in a small dose, it perks you up and makes you more talkative. '

oh, god! flashbacks to parties in the late 80s and 90s with dull, boring, obnoxious people who'd done 'a couple of lines' and thought it was making them only more talkative.

if only they could hear how obnoxious they really sounded, even to drunks!

the ol' 'alcohol's accepted so why not coke?' or 'alcohol is just as bed' thing.

B-O-R-I-N-G (sort of like most people after 'a couple of lines').

I don't smoke, take drugs or even drink alcohol but people differ.

What always amazes me on mumsnet is how whenever a man has done anything wrong it's always immediately kick him out. yet in the real world people work out their problems, sort out how they can continue to live together after male or female adultery and cure the problems rather than rushing to destroy the relationship.

Also drug use is not always a choice. Plenty of alcoholics can't really help themselves or compulsive gamblers. So we're talking about an insickness and ni health type situation here - the spouse who gets cancer or loses their legs or gets depression or is addicted to alcohol or drugs. Do you kick them out in those cases?

'So we're talking about an insickness and ni health type situation here -'

Oh, c'mon, Xenia, you're divorced!

Coke is rubbish. Cannabis is rubbish. LSD is...hardwork. Speed is fantastically functional, but Ecstasy...ah, now Ecstasy I really DID like.

Also - Ecstasy, at least in the '90's not only did not lead to misery in South America, but was a pratically HUMANITARIAN way of transfering hard currency to certain Eastern European governments.

thisxgirl, I am sure you are a smart person. However, on this particular subject you have kind of proved my point - by talking bollocks (sorry, sorry, I really don't mean to offend you). You have justified your possible occasional drug use by saying it would "enhance your social experience" really? and "it perks you up and makes you more talkative", oh, and that it is no worse than drinking a couple of glasses of wine - nearly exactly the reasons stated in my post.

The talking crap stage comes as soon as that £20 note goes up your right nostril - not least because you are trying to justify why you are taking this nasty grubby little drug. The boring diatribe that comes out of your mouth because of taking the drug just adds to that.

I have not tried to 'put anything on you', seriously.

Oooooh, looks like I've started something here.

Looks like you have

How are you doing anyway?

lol yes! What happened in the end grumpy? Is everything calm now?

expat - the problem I have with going on about the harm it does in South America and elsewhere, and suggesting that because of this if you take coke you are not a nice person is that while it may be true, it doesn't seem to actually do anything to solve the problem.

Attempts to reduce the demand through prohibition have failed. Attempts to reduce the supply by disrupting supply routes and attempting to destroy the source has failed. Telling people they are bad if they take it has failed.

We need a new approach

curisoity - "It takes a lot longer to come down than it does to sober up" - this is VERY dependant on what you have taken/drunk.

Alcohol, roughly one unit an hour so 2 cans strong lager - roughly 6 hours. Line of coke - couple of hours. Acid - just bloody AGES.

Use of any drug when you are responisble for a child is obviously sub-optimal, but it's a function of level of inebriation rather than the identity of the intoxicant. Lightly stoned better than very drunk for instance.

oojimaflip - one unit an hour till to completely metabolise alcohol whereas cocaine can take 2-5 days to be completely metabolised depending on certain factors....

also very drunk is not illegal, even lightly stoned is illegal. High on cocaine is even worse.

curiosity - I'm speaking purely from a child safety point of view, which another poster raised. I think 2-5 days is the time it's detectable for rather than the time it's effective for. Either way, I think the point that it's the LEVEL of intoxication that effects safety stands. 2 lines is safer than 8 pints for instance.

OOPS - it was you that raised the point - Sorry, getting names mixed up.

n.b. I am not stoned.

(I may have had a beer though)

2 lines is always going to get you fairly smashed especially if they are close together. In my yoof I could drink 8 pints and be relatively sober.

The 2-5 days thing is the time it takes for the cocaine to be metabolised. Before it is metabolised it is detectable in the body. It takes one hour per unit before alcohol is not detectable/metabolised. You should really understand these things if you are going to use the drugs.

Also surely we should measure 2 lines of cocaine against 2 alcoholic drink since those are the units the various drugs are prepared in. Even if you had the most alcoholic drink you could find you'd still be less smashed after 2 drinks than 2 lines.

It is a stupid comparison anyway, I would think it incredibly stupid to try and care for a child when off your face whatever you had taken. BUT you can't end up in the police station from drinking one alcoholic drink and end up not coming home to your child, losing your job e.t.c.