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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DH and cnsidering kicking him out?

225 replies

grumpydrawers · 06/12/2009 17:31

I'm fully aware that I might be flamed for this, but here goes, AIBU?
DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 6, we have two beautiful kids, 4 yo and 1 yo. We both have a reasonably colourful past, DH was quite into drugs in his 'youf'. Once DC's came along we made an agreement, no more hard drugs. He still smokes the odd joint, which I can live with but really not happy about anything harder than that.
He has one particular friend who I really don't like but tolerate for the sake of harmony, they have been mates since kids etc. Every time DH sees him he behaves like a kid, either gets really hammered and ends up staying on someones floor or as I have recently discovered ends up taking coke or similar. DH never tells me, but I usually find out from another friend or family member.
Today I found out that he met up with him on Thursday night, ostensibly to do some work for him, and took some 'meow'. I know nothing about this drug and from the research I've done it looks pretty unresearched, no known side effects, but a couple of deaths potentially linked to it.
I confronted him about it and he said it's not an issue, he'd done his research and that it was not an illegal drug. He is more concerned that I went through his text messages to find out about it, I actually didn't, DD was playing with his phone and I happened to see a sent message to this friend about the after effects and how many lines he'd taken. To this I told him that we shouldn't have any secrets anyway and me seeing his messages is not the big issue.
I have said before that I would kick him out if I found out that he was doing any hard drugs and I am tempted to threaten him with that again now.
I really love him and don't want to split over this as after all it is done and dusted now, but I really want him to understand that he can't do it again, I will not have anyone in my childrens life that is this irresponsible. My feeling is that I have two choices: ask him to leave to show how much this has angered me and as I know he wont want to do this it will show him how serious I am about it never happening again.
Or I tell him that I don't want him to see this freind again. I know it is not my place to dictate his friends, but he can't seem to control himself when he is around him, and I don't trust them together at all. DH is easily influenced and this guy is a bad influence.
So AIBU and what would you do?

OP posts:
FabIsVeryHappy · 06/12/2009 19:53

He keeps it a secret as he knows you don't want him to do it. Did you tell him you would be over if he carried on? If you did, he now knows you didn't mean it.

Because of choices he has made he could have left you a widow and his children without a father.

Both of you need to make decisions.

expatinscotland · 06/12/2009 20:12

'He never tells me what he has been up to on a night out, '

Well of course not!

Sounds like a loser who acts like a teenager.

thisxgirl · 06/12/2009 21:36

The odd joint is not a problem as far as I'm concerned - no different from the odd couple of glasses of wine. People can be perfectly competent parents when using soft drugs in careful moderation - of which I include cigarettes, prescriptive medication and alcohol.

But you made an entirely reasonable agreement regarding harder drugs that he has failed to adhere to - largely because his friend has been facilitating it. Obviously if he didn't want to take them in the first place, his friend wouldn't be an issue but I think it's clear he enjoys taking drugs to some extent and the best thing to keep your relationship together is to remove the 'enabler'. It is fair to request he immediately cease spending time with these people, in this places...remove all the conditions which allow this behaviour to occur. If he isn't happy with this, he can leave. It's a dealbreaker for you so you really do need to give him an ultimatum.

ineedalifelaundry · 07/12/2009 12:29

I agree with the last poster - your DH's friend is enabling and normalsing this behaviour. I know it doesn't really seem right to dictate who he can be friends with BUT you have your family to protect.

You love your DH, he's a brilliant dad, you all want him in your lives. But you can't trust him when he's with this particular friend.

The friend needs to go. Your DH has a choice: you and your DC or this friend. Under the circumstances (and with broken promises and secrets already coming between you because of the friend) I don't think this is an unreasonable ultimatum.

If he is a man worth holding on to (and it sounds like he probably is, given your otherwise positive vibes about him) he will choose you.

Good luck.

ineedalifelaundry · 07/12/2009 12:34

I should add (from personal experience) if you think there might be an addiction issue, he will choose drug use over you every time. You could come and join us on the 'support thread for partners of addicts' in the relationships forum if this is the case.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 07/12/2009 12:40

I would kick him out. I know a couple who are drug users and her children (they are his step) are quite happily going down the same route. I will not have anyone using drugs around my DC's.

NotsoDH · 07/12/2009 12:52

Well I was gonna start by saying kick that tosser out! But you love him and have been together for so long. Is there any way do you think he would stop using?

All it takes is for him to be under the influence when looking after the 1yo and something crap happens, or crashing the car with the kids in since he is stoned or whatever.

He has to choose - family or drugs? And he has to choose now. Else kick him out.

Original poster
grumpydrawers · 07/12/2009 22:17

Thanks everyone. Situation is resolved for now. I asked him to leave last night, which shocked him to the core and made him realise that I am deadly serious about the drugtaking. This led to a very open talk about the drugs, secrets etc. He has sworn that he will never, ever use again and even said that he will cut this friend out of his life completely, never go out again etc. Basically do whatever it takes to convince me that he is not using and that the kids and I are his priority. He agreed that he'd been a total prick, and promised to be more open with me. Ultimately I gave him the fright of his life. It will take a bit of time for my trust in him to come back, but at least I've set the boundaries now, so he's staying.
Also, I am sure that this is not an addiction (been there with other members of my family, so know the signs) but more of an immature casual use thing from somone who finds it difficult to say no, and egged on by a mate who is a complete dick.
But as I said, thanks for all your thoughts.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2009 22:23

Good luck x

WetAugust · 07/12/2009 22:25

Until the next time

ooojimaflip · 07/12/2009 22:27

BTW - the Mephadrone makes you rip your scrotum off is (appropriatly) bollocks. It was in a police report as an example of stories told about it, and then was picked up by the press and reported as fact.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 07/12/2009 22:36

You told him you would kick him out if he did it. If you don't kick him out he'll think he can get round you. Kick him out. Apart from anything else if he is doing drugs and gts caught he'll be in trouble and you may be reviewed by SS. What an eejit. I never understand why parents risk losing their children for a short-term high.

LeQueen · 07/12/2009 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 07/12/2009 22:37

oh, you did kick him out! well done!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2009 22:39

no curiosity, she has threatened to kick him out

thesecondcoming · 07/12/2009 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thisxgirl · 08/12/2009 10:40

thesecondcoming - I agree. I'm in my mid-twenties and I struggle to think of more than a couple of friends/associates I have that haven't at least experimented with hard drugs. So many people use them occasionally, recreationally, i.e a bit of coke at an NYE party. I don't see that as any worse than having a huge alcohol binge and that opinion is based on scientific evidence, as opposed to media scaremongering and the fear it instills in people who don't know otherwise. Millions of people use hard drugs excessively every week and comparatively very, very few die - much fewer than those that die from accidental alcohol poisoning. The long term effects of each substance are probably pretty similar, although they affect different organs. I do not know people from 'subversive' sectors of society - it's just so much more widespread than some people like to accept. There is often no element of addiction - it's just a lifestyle choice and many of them grow out of it, especially and crucially, when they have children and opt into a different kind of life. Of course, they may still take drugs on the odd occasion - when their children are safely cared for elsewhere - and they are sensible enough to be moderate.

Obviously it is better to not take hard drugs, as it would be to not drink a lot - but human beings enjoy escapism and I think it's dangerous to create this illusory heirarchy which is based upon what is classified as legal (because it creates revenue for the government) and what is illegal - not science.

expatinscotland · 08/12/2009 10:51

'So many people use them occasionally, recreationally, i.e a bit of coke at an NYE party. I don't see that as any worse than having a huge alcohol binge and that opinion is based on scientific evidence, as opposed to media scaremongering and the fear it instills in people who don't know otherwise.'

Cocaine and its production and marketing/distrubution are responsible for tens of thousands of murders, plenty of children among them, in Latin America. In one state in Mexico alone, over 500 civilians were murdered in shooting deaths, many in broad daylight, as two cartels fought each other for teh right to traffic coke through to the US.

Its production and distrubution are also responsible for the enslavement of millions of people, many of them children, in Latin America.

Its production is responsible for a scale of environmental damage that is unprecendented in human history.

It has very nearly destroyed the system of government and/or affected the system of government negatively in almost every single country in Latin America.

The fact that people see it as 'no worse than alcohol' or even better is beyond a tragedy, IMO.

expatinscotland · 08/12/2009 10:53

And none of that is 'scaremongering'. That's a fact of life in Latin America, from flavias in Brasilia to sharecropping farmers in Columbia forced to use some of their land to produce raw materials for coke or refine raw materials or be slaughtered.

thesecondcoming · 08/12/2009 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BelleDameSansMerci · 08/12/2009 11:06

expat - was just going to write pretty much the same thing. And never mind what the funds from drugs then go onto support throughout the world (ie terrorism).

Cannot bear this "drugs are ok - no worse than alcohol" stuff. The effects of casual use probably aren't worse than alcohol (speaking as the daughter of an alcoholic it's not high on my list of favourite thing) but the economics and the reality of how the drugs are produced and what the money from them funds is much, much worse.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 11:43

Some of you are mad! These drugs are illegal... Quite apart from any chance of harm or death or any exploitation of Latin America if you get caught taking or selling illegal drugs then you'll be in trouble with SS and the law as a parent.

If you freely allow your children to associate with people who take drugs this is possible too. It's absolutely different from alcohol. It's incredibly stupid and selfish of any parent to take any illegal drug no matter what your own personal feelings about it's dangers are.

VirginPeachyMotherOfSpod · 08/12/2009 12:04

Absolutely no hollow threats, they lose effect after a very short time and are a carte blanche to do whatever the person wants. They destroy boundaries and respect.

But it's your marriage your boundaries- you get to decide what you do and don't want. Other people saying drugs are OK or whatever is irrelevant tbh. He makes his choice within those guidelines. Weall have some, they vary of course but there are no-nos for everyone.

If you don't like them and you agreed no, then it is serious.

Personally, I don't do drug takers. Ever. It's their choice (although if they are arrested and bleat sod em frankly, as I said.... their choice...) and I would suggest that a parent shouldn't compromise their morals over this sort of thing.

Meows sounds nice btw.

PotPourri · 08/12/2009 12:16

He agreed no more hard drugs. You need to decide whether yiou are willing to accept him taking the drugs - and I mean seriously consider. If you can't then you need to accept that if he does it, it is over.

2 possible futures:
He takes drugs - Great father, you love him but he doesn't live with you and has a limited part of your lives.

He doesn't take drugs again - great father, you love him, he stays fully part of your lives

There is a third, which will happen if you don't mean what you say:
He takes drugs - great father, you love him, he lives with you - i.e. status quo

PotPourri · 08/12/2009 12:18

Thesecondcoming - people round my way go onto Heroin to get off of crack. It's not scaremongering, it's really scary

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