To be furious with DH and cnsidering kicking him out?

[grumpydrawers]

I'm fully aware that I might be flamed for this, but here goes, AIBU?
DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 6, we have two beautiful kids, 4 yo and 1 yo. We both have a reasonably colourful past, DH was quite into drugs in his 'youf'. Once DC's came along we made an agreement, no more hard drugs. He still smokes the odd joint, which I can live with but really not happy about anything harder than that.
He has one particular friend who I really don't like but tolerate for the sake of harmony, they have been mates since kids etc. Every time DH sees him he behaves like a kid, either gets really hammered and ends up staying on someones floor or as I have recently discovered ends up taking coke or similar. DH never tells me, but I usually find out from another friend or family member.
Today I found out that he met up with him on Thursday night, ostensibly to do some work for him, and took some 'meow'. I know nothing about this drug and from the research I've done it looks pretty unresearched, no known side effects, but a couple of deaths potentially linked to it.
I confronted him about it and he said it's not an issue, he'd done his research and that it was not an illegal drug. He is more concerned that I went through his text messages to find out about it, I actually didn't, DD was playing with his phone and I happened to see a sent message to this friend about the after effects and how many lines he'd taken. To this I told him that we shouldn't have any secrets anyway and me seeing his messages is not the big issue.
I have said before that I would kick him out if I found out that he was doing any hard drugs and I am tempted to threaten him with that again now.
I really love him and don't want to split over this as after all it is done and dusted now, but I really want him to understand that he can't do it again, I will not have anyone in my childrens life that is this irresponsible. My feeling is that I have two choices: ask him to leave to show how much this has angered me and as I know he wont want to do this it will show him how serious I am about it never happening again.
Or I tell him that I don't want him to see this freind again. I know it is not my place to dictate his friends, but he can't seem to control himself when he is around him, and I don't trust them together at all. DH is easily influenced and this guy is a bad influence.
So AIBU and what would you do?

thisxgirl, you sound hopelessly naive, girl

you need to educate yourself a little more

"no worse than alcohol" indeed!

I get the "recreational" use as a fancy-free youngster, have done it myself, nothing inherently wrong with chasing a few extra thrills if done safely

but would you be happy if a partner of yours continued to mix with drugtakers, use potentially lethal stuff himself and all this when he had made an undertaking to curb it because he was now a family man with responsibiliies?

"fwiw op there is a lot of hysteria about drugs on here"

Maybe you'd like to come out on a shift with me or my husband and see the long term effect of hard drugs. Then you might reconsider your opinions.

Thisxgirl,
it's a shame I can't introduce you to a girl I dealt with on several occassions - news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/4797631.stm - she hanged herself in prison.

No, drugs aren't serious . Your post makes me laugh as you have clearly never seen the seedy side of proper drug abuse or you would never post something so hopelessly naive

I'm with second coming having had an, er, colourful background and taken a wide variety of drugs, including what most of you here would consider hard drugs. So for me it's not the deal breaker.

But it sounds like he's hiding it, lying about it and then has the cheek to be annoyed with you 'going through' his text messages. The undercurrent seems to be that he expects you to be responsible for the children and your domestic life while he goes out and gets trashed and thinks it's all a big laugh. That's the killer.

Trust is a difficult one and I would ask him to cut this friend out of his life.

No doubt I'll get flamed for this, but if someone offered me some E or a bit of speed this weekend, I would most probably take it. But only because DD is with my ex this weekend and I know she is safe and looked after. I would never, ever do it with her in the house - you do make choices when you have kids.

Experimenting, well, what's done is done. The past is the past.

But this is now and he's still using.

If he'd no desire to stop using, then don't promise not to.

DH has no desire to stop smoking. Trying to get him to promise not to would be a waste of time.

And yes, because they are illegal, drug production is funded by organised crime.

Therefore, anyone who uses, regardless of their job, is participating in that.

Coke = cartels
Junk/smack = terrorism

It's a fact for now.

queenofdenial - and if you and your friend get arrested for having E or speed on you then you'll be happy for your DD to go live with your ex full-time will you? Or the drugs you drugs you are offered are cut with something that kills you?

Totally with AF. When you are young and free drug taking is forgiveable. When you have children it is completely unacceptable. It is a short term high which may cost you your child, your life or your freedom. It's pathetic.

The junkie/speedhead downstairs dealer freak finally got lifted last night! Who knows for what, he went ghetto when he was all hopped up.

Living near him, yeah, that really made a bit of speed or E seem cool.

NOT.

What a pathetic loser!

Maybe he'll grow up in prison, as that's where he's going since he was on remand anyhow.

Doubt it.

The OP has posted to say that as far as she is concerned, the situation is resolved, so WHY are people still challenging her and dishing out advice. She clearly doesn't want or need it and it's her life, no matter how strongly some of you feel. It was clear from her last post that as far as she's concerned the debate is over. OK so she posted on here and it provided an outlet for her, but I think when someone feels they have resolved an issue (whether people agree with that or not) that should be respected.

the thing is, nana, the Op cannot just shut people up if she feels she has reached a conclusion

this thread may help some one else, so all input should be welcomed

I wasn't talking about the production of drugs as that wasn't a concern relevant to the OP - I was focusing on the way that most posters so far were demonizing drugs because of the possibility of the husband dying, leaving their children without a father. I was just trying to say - that is unlikely and he is not in the minority for recreationally using and people freaking out about their children being around drugs seems silly when most people have plenty of alcohol in their homes and this form of 'escapism' is normalized and acceptable simply because it's legal.

But surely if drugs were legalised, like alcohol, then the production could be monitored? Obviously this would be difficult to implement efficiently but it's either that or allow the trade to operate undercover with all the abuses that entails and the myriad of undeniably awful practices dirty money fuels.

Of course production couldn't be monitored, it happens in Afhanistan and places like that, at least much of it.

It's controlled by poeple like the Taliban, is the Government supposed to be doing deal with them then to keep it legal?

Ok so that'snot all drugs- we all know some people with acannabis palnt (actually I don't but I am hopelessly innocent like that). But much is.

And if it were legalised the crims would sell black amrket for a it less.

Anyway atm its not l;egal so every time you buy it you are risking being arrested.

Funny becuase I didn't really get into the whole drug argument before, but some of this is so hopelessly naive. If you're going to take it at least be honest with yourself about what that means in bigger terms.

Actually I don't do hysteria, I kmnow more about this sort of thing than you'd know

But I do have an opinion and a right to type it in on MN, asmuch as anyone. Read the disclaimer: this is where people should come for a range of opinions not just what they pesonally think.

There is VAST difference between long-term and/or regular use and occasional use (by which I mean a handful of times annually, if that, for example - on 'special' occasions).

I think many of you are oversimplifying what I said because I certainly didn't make a point as basic as: "drugs are no worse than alcohol". Some aspects of drug-taking ARE more problematic than drinking alcohol, e.g being complicit in shady drug production. But I think it's reductive to say, "drugs are terrible" just as it is to say, "alcohol is terrible" - it's not that black and white. Some people abuse these substances, some people use them carefully and in moderation. Obviously drinking a couple of bottles of wine a week is very different from having a couple of lines a week - the former being preferable. But I would rather have a partner who took a few lines a year at a party than an alcoholic.

I also think many of you are naive if you think that there aren't thousands of parents using drugs recreationally - parents just like you - that don't develop addictions, end up in hospital, prison or dead. Just like there are many people who drink alcohol and don't end up in those circumstances, even though are plenty of alcoholics who do. The only point I was making is that the OP's husband isn't in a minority and the chances of him 'dropping dead' are terribly slim. If you paid attention, you would also see that I 100% supported the OP's deal with her husband - he should not be mixing with these people who facilitate drug-taking in a father's life.

I am a police officer and so is my husband I have quite a fair amount of experience in the devastating fall out hard drugs can cause.
I don't need anecdotal evidence, I've seen it with my own eyes thanks.
Anyone that thinks hard drugs don't ruin lives is living in a fairy land

The problem with demonising drugs is that it narrows the options you have in managing them and their effects on individuals and society.

There is a very simple solution to the effects of Cocaine in South America and the Carribean and Heroin in Afghanistan. Legalisation. With a legal route to market you can cut out the Cartels and other unpleasent organisations. This would be PARTICULARLY good in Afgahnistan - you not only deny funds to the Taliban but increase stability by legitimising the economy. Want troops out of Afgahnistan? Just but the damn poppies already.

Of course this isn't a magic bullet. The people currently involved in the legal supply of drugs aren't going to form an orderly queue at the DSS, but y'know it would be a good start.

That leaves the social and personal effects here. Again a lot of these come from illegality - legalisation and regualtion could possibly be a good solution. The one we currently have isn't working.

We do need an empirical approach to this, when David Nutt said that Ecstasy is safer than horse riding this ISN'T hyperbole, this is reality.

If we don't want parents to take E do we want them to perform other high risk activities? Is Mountineering out to?

In general I think is is much better treated as a public health issue that a Criminal Justice one - this would allow a much more holistic approach to be taken.

You shouldn't lie to your partner though.

If you use drugs produced in South America you are supporting the people who perpetrate the activities. You are, therefore, responsible.

If you are going to buy products then you should to be aware of what you're actually funding.

VirginPeachy - I did say it was idealistic! It would involve worldwide legalisation and even then it would be hopeless implementing it. The underground drug trade will never be wiped out.

I just wonder if everybody is so confident about the ethical production of everything that they consume.

Fibilou - you will have almost by definition, only have seen those who have got into trouble.

You won't run into those who use drugs with no problems. I don't have any idea what the relative proportions are, nor would I suggest that drugs are a good thing - but your view will be coloured by this sampling error - as will mine.

That's why we need an empirical approach.

Now I'll ignore everythinh I've just said and ask for your anecdotal opinion ;)

Do you think that putting drug addicts through the criminal justice system helps? Would you advocate other methods?

The point is being able to live with the choices that you make with regard to consuming goods. If users are happy that their money funds murder and terrorism then I guess it's fine

And drugs are the only thing that contribute to murder and terrorism? So many aspects of life 'above ground' are operated/funded by the underground.

thisxgirl - people who take illegal drugs ARE a minority. A large one in the case of cannabis, but still a minority.

I didn't say they were the only thing that contributed but it's known that drug production does and it's therefore a choice that you make when you buy them/use them.

I'm not always happy with the choices that I make regarding products I buy but I wouldn't buy something that I knew had contributed to terrorism/murder.

I do agree that legalising drugs would be the best way to go but it's not how things are now and we're talking about today.

The only thing holding back legalisation is the embarrasment that the massive investment in "The War on Drugs" has been a massive waste of money and lives.

And it is coming in by the back door in many countries - largely (so far) with little ill effects.

news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/from_our_own_correspondent/8106689.stm