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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DH and cnsidering kicking him out?

225 replies

grumpydrawers · 06/12/2009 17:31

I'm fully aware that I might be flamed for this, but here goes, AIBU?
DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 6, we have two beautiful kids, 4 yo and 1 yo. We both have a reasonably colourful past, DH was quite into drugs in his 'youf'. Once DC's came along we made an agreement, no more hard drugs. He still smokes the odd joint, which I can live with but really not happy about anything harder than that.
He has one particular friend who I really don't like but tolerate for the sake of harmony, they have been mates since kids etc. Every time DH sees him he behaves like a kid, either gets really hammered and ends up staying on someones floor or as I have recently discovered ends up taking coke or similar. DH never tells me, but I usually find out from another friend or family member.
Today I found out that he met up with him on Thursday night, ostensibly to do some work for him, and took some 'meow'. I know nothing about this drug and from the research I've done it looks pretty unresearched, no known side effects, but a couple of deaths potentially linked to it.
I confronted him about it and he said it's not an issue, he'd done his research and that it was not an illegal drug. He is more concerned that I went through his text messages to find out about it, I actually didn't, DD was playing with his phone and I happened to see a sent message to this friend about the after effects and how many lines he'd taken. To this I told him that we shouldn't have any secrets anyway and me seeing his messages is not the big issue.
I have said before that I would kick him out if I found out that he was doing any hard drugs and I am tempted to threaten him with that again now.
I really love him and don't want to split over this as after all it is done and dusted now, but I really want him to understand that he can't do it again, I will not have anyone in my childrens life that is this irresponsible. My feeling is that I have two choices: ask him to leave to show how much this has angered me and as I know he wont want to do this it will show him how serious I am about it never happening again.
Or I tell him that I don't want him to see this freind again. I know it is not my place to dictate his friends, but he can't seem to control himself when he is around him, and I don't trust them together at all. DH is easily influenced and this guy is a bad influence.
So AIBU and what would you do?

OP posts:
curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 15:44

I have never met an illegal drug taker who's drug-taking wasn't a problem. The fact that you are taking an illegal drug is problematic in itself and involves all kinds of secrecy and lies.

howdidthishappenthen · 08/12/2009 15:44

Whoa - all very militant here today. OK, he definitely fucked up and YANBU to be angry - he shouldn't use drugs if he said he wouldn't, shouldn't mislead you about what he's doing and where he's going, shouldn't be such a crappy role model to the kids. But surely marriage is very much about finding a way through and esp when kids are involved then second chances are in order - ie we're taking about being a twat here rather than violent or unfaithful or whatever (and more specifically, a twat that you love and who's a great dad) ? There are an awful lot of people on high horses about drug use but every single person (with the sole exception of my mum - and she's prob fibbing..) I know has used drugs of some sort in their past. Very few do after marriage & kids, but this drug isn't actually illegal (just astonishingly stupid).

BTW does anyone else find it ironic that this drug originates as a plant food .

ooojimaflip · 08/12/2009 15:46

LOOK THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE GREAT

TheWorldFamousKewcumber · 08/12/2009 15:48

personally I'd make drugs legal and let any addicts enjoy themselves at a reasonable price. Wouldn't share a house with one though and wouldn't let DS within in a mile of one. Would need to make it a requirement that users are tatoo'ed on the forehead so I can avoid them though. Feel the same way about heavy alcohol users too.

Previous partner had an "Oh its only" cannabis problem - dull dull dull, so glad I didn;t have childrne with him.

Random ramblings of a Irish granny...

TheWorldFamousKewcumber · 08/12/2009 15:52

howdidthishappen - youonly know one person who hasn't ever taken drugs? Man, my life must be dull, I know loads (unless you count lemsip as a drug).

I have quite a good time without, never really hankered after, got through 3 yrs at university without anything illegal and it seemed a bit childish to try it after that (don't know why but it seems to me to be something you grow out of like binge drinking).

{PS howdy Expat - not seen you around - how the very devil are you?]

ooojimaflip · 08/12/2009 15:55

I know:-
People who don't and never have taken any drugs.
People who don't and never have taken any illegal drugs.
People who don't take illegal drugs anymore.
People who still take illegal drugs.
People who are parents and still take illegal drugs.
People who are parents and still take legal drugs.
People for whom illegal drugs have never been a problem.
People for whom legal drugs have never been a problem.
People for whom legal drugs have been a problem.
People for whom illegal drugs have been a problem.

I don't think I know any tetotal parents personally at the moment.

I don't know how the proportions of these in my life correspond to proportions in the wider population.

This is why we need more research.

TheWorldFamousKewcumber · 08/12/2009 15:56

am have about 1 unit of alcohol a month is that close enough to teetotal to be in your survey?

ooojimaflip · 08/12/2009 16:03

...mmmmm...borderline, you probably get more that that from fruit juice over a month anyway...

VirginPeachyMotherOfSpod · 08/12/2009 16:07

Do you really not know any teetoallers Oojma? No fairly- devout Muslims, or Hindus?

Blimey.

I'm not under any illusions about alcohol- another raised by someone with a drink issue, indeed dad was raised by a wholelot of drinkers- tis one fo the family curses (alcohol on one side, asd on t'other). It'saused lots of terrible things in the family history, but never has anyone beena rrested for buying any which IMO is a key fact.

Lovelove the way I posted a response to a comment by thesecopnd immediately after mine and thisx thought I was meaning her posts- were I feeling deeply annoying I would make a comment about paranoia and drugs use.

Oops must be feeling annoying.....

ooojimaflip · 08/12/2009 16:13

Yes, my in my immideate group I think everyone who is a parent drinks. The Muslims and Hindu's I happen to know aren't particularly observant ;)

I do know teetotalers, they just don't happen to be parents.

It's just a coincidence though - it doesn't tell us anything about alchohol or parents.

ooojimaflip · 08/12/2009 16:15

It just shows that my experience of drugs doesn't reflect anything other than...my experience of drugs.

thisxgirl · 08/12/2009 16:15

ooji - I meant he wasn't in the minority for having tried illegal drugs...I didn't make that clear. Or am I wrong? I really am just working from my own experience here and assuming that he is in his late twenties or thirties. I'm mostly thinking about people of my generation who are beginning to have children - so the future of parenthood, if you like - and out of the hundreds of people I have met, the minority are those who haven't at least tried illegal drugs. I was trying to say that although the OP's husband was wrong for lying and breaking deals, he isn't some sort of deviant and drug use is much more widely spread across society and more of a 'managed' part of people's lives than many in this thread seem to realise. The only face of drugs they seem to see is the addicts, when there are so many grey areas between abstinence and addiction.

VirginPeachyMotherOfSpod · 08/12/2009 16:15

It doesn't,and Iam no teetotaller anyway.

thisxgirl · 08/12/2009 16:23

virgin - not sure which comment you mean? My post beginning with, "there is a VAST difference between..." wasn't directed at you specifically. It was a reponse to the posts directed to me earlier in the thread regarding addicts and the most extreme cases of drugs-go
ing-wrong.

It is terribly juvenile to try and suggest I'm paranoid and this is because of drug use. You've just hopelessly got the wrong end of the stick.

VirginPeachyMotherOfSpod · 08/12/2009 16:24

It was a joke, you know.

Which is why I put that about being annoying.

confuseddoiordonti · 08/12/2009 16:30

thisxgirl I agree, not just only with all your previous points, but especially in the one that drug use amongst parents is far more widespread than some may assume. Also, just because someone has, say, the occassional line, doesn't mean they are destined for a future slumped in an alleyway with a needle in their arm. In fact, a massive number of 'drug users' will be perfectly respectable blah blah people. I so think that there is quite a lot of hysteria over this, as well as rather warped facts. Not about the production screwing up south America etc, noone can argue against that, but of the possible risks and how someone who takes drugs wouldn't be allowed neat their DC's. Trust me on this one, you will know someone who takes them and so will your DC's.

ooojimaflip · 08/12/2009 16:30

thisxgirl - there are more very straight people around than you realise ;)

Royal College of Physicians quotes "wo million people in the UK smoke cannabis. Half of all 16 to 29 year olds have tried it at least once"

So it depends on if that 50% is really 49.9 or 50.1 ;)

Though some of those will only have smoked once or twice, so I think we can safely day that regular takers of illegal drugs are still a minority, though a large one.

lindy100 · 08/12/2009 16:33

Just cos it's not illegal doesn't mean it's not dangerous.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 16:37

thisxgirl - I know how common drug use is in those without children. Almost all the people DH and I know have taken illegal drugs at some point before they became a parent only 1 still does. You are completely wrong that the OP's husband's drug use does not make him a deviant. I most definitely does. It is in no way normal or acceptable for a parent to take illegal drugs.

confuseddoiordonti · 08/12/2009 16:37

I don't anyone was saying it wasn't dangerous. I think a better point was when someone said that it's not illegal yet as it's new.

lindy100 you could say the same about rockclimbing or fencing!

expatinscotland · 08/12/2009 16:38

Hiya, Kew!

I was okay, until found out drug dealer was released and now his thug mates are in the flat, too.

They're all sitting in the dark.

Oh, yeah, so big and clever.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 16:39

also I fail to see how anyone who breaks the law by taking an illegal drug to get them high is a 'respectable person', if they present themselves as such they are a liar.

ooojimaflip · 08/12/2009 16:40

curiositykilledhaskittens - You left this off your post - "In my opinion"

expatinscotland · 08/12/2009 16:41

why does anyone need to write that at the end of her posts?

confuseddoiordonti · 08/12/2009 16:41

Fair enough, that's your opinion but, really, if they know this is your view they probably wouldn't share this info with you.