To be furious with DH and cnsidering kicking him out?

[grumpydrawers]

I'm fully aware that I might be flamed for this, but here goes, AIBU?
DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 6, we have two beautiful kids, 4 yo and 1 yo. We both have a reasonably colourful past, DH was quite into drugs in his 'youf'. Once DC's came along we made an agreement, no more hard drugs. He still smokes the odd joint, which I can live with but really not happy about anything harder than that.
He has one particular friend who I really don't like but tolerate for the sake of harmony, they have been mates since kids etc. Every time DH sees him he behaves like a kid, either gets really hammered and ends up staying on someones floor or as I have recently discovered ends up taking coke or similar. DH never tells me, but I usually find out from another friend or family member.
Today I found out that he met up with him on Thursday night, ostensibly to do some work for him, and took some 'meow'. I know nothing about this drug and from the research I've done it looks pretty unresearched, no known side effects, but a couple of deaths potentially linked to it.
I confronted him about it and he said it's not an issue, he'd done his research and that it was not an illegal drug. He is more concerned that I went through his text messages to find out about it, I actually didn't, DD was playing with his phone and I happened to see a sent message to this friend about the after effects and how many lines he'd taken. To this I told him that we shouldn't have any secrets anyway and me seeing his messages is not the big issue.
I have said before that I would kick him out if I found out that he was doing any hard drugs and I am tempted to threaten him with that again now.
I really love him and don't want to split over this as after all it is done and dusted now, but I really want him to understand that he can't do it again, I will not have anyone in my childrens life that is this irresponsible. My feeling is that I have two choices: ask him to leave to show how much this has angered me and as I know he wont want to do this it will show him how serious I am about it never happening again.
Or I tell him that I don't want him to see this freind again. I know it is not my place to dictate his friends, but he can't seem to control himself when he is around him, and I don't trust them together at all. DH is easily influenced and this guy is a bad influence.
So AIBU and what would you do?

It's not meant to be a sensible comparison - the point is purely that the substance you use to become inebriated on is immaterial to your ability to deal with a crisis of any kind. The level of intoxication is the factor in child safety in this IMMEDEATE sense. Any level of intoxication is clearly sub-optimal.

(n.b BLIMEY - even in my youth I would have been MASHED after 8 pints. Unless I was spreading it over a whole day/on something else as well)

As it'sonly possible toa ssess within current legislature twolines isn't as safe as 8 drinks becuase 2 lines invovles assocaiting with drug dealers, risking arrest etc. It really is a very reductive comparison otherwise, and most unrealistic.

it'snto worth getting on your record even if it is just 'a luittle bit recreationally'; other problems happen in life- false claims by ex's, unexplained (though in relaity) injuries, overimaginative kidsclaiming any kind of terrorism- and these things are assessed on package: I feel fairly sure that a drugs mention on your file wouldn't helpyour case, and these are things that can happen to pretty much anyone.

You cannot say (whilst being reasonable) to be fair and then callsomeone a moron for having their own views.

That, to be fair is both a personal attack and incredibly one sided.

Accept other peoples opinions for what they are, and debate them if you disagree but writing off any other take on a situation is the realm of the narrow minded.

I'm sorry. But I think there is some major hysteria going on here.

Everyone needs to blow off some steam sometimes. How do you know he is being reckless? And how many of you go on ALCOHOL benders once in a while? Is that not just as bad? Say you were with friends and have knocked back a few bottles of Chardonnay and your partner is taken ill. What do you do then eh? Or is it just because alcohol is accepted in soceity that makes it OK? Hmm?

It's only a little bit of coke or meow, leave him alone for christs sake. Me and my hubby take meow together all the time when the kids are in bed and it has no effect on them whatsoever.

I'm fine thanks, feel very relieved that I was able to let off steam on here and then be a bit more rational with DH, otherwise I think I would have just blown my top.
The look on his face when I asked him to leave was priceless, which is what I was hoping for, I don't think I really had any intention of making him go...this time...but it sure as hell will make him think twice about doing anything again.
Onwards and upwards...
For what it is worth my problem with drugs is the damage they do to everyone involved with them, from the producers to suppliers, right through to end users. Noone ever knows exactly what they are taking, or what sort of reaction they might have to it. Risk taking is part of human nature, but there is a calculated risk and then just plain stupidity.

Cupcake im of the opinion that alcohol is far worse than taking recreational drugs. I mean look at how it makes people violent or makes the pass out and vomit... Great use you are to your child when you're laying unconscious in a pool of your own sick. You never hear anything in the media about people getting into trouble or dying when taking things like ecstasy or speed etc. Drug use is frowned upon by society because of a law.

I don't drink because I think it's really irresponsible to drink near my kids as it just makes them think it's ok to drink.

Sorry, grumpydrawers, but it sounds like all you have achieved is scaring him through emotional blackmail. The fear of not living with his children and partner just because he likes to let loose once in a while.

Oh for heaven's sake...

All you casual drug users are justifying what you choose to do and ignoring the actual facts about the reality of the drug trade.

As for alcohol, read the thread and you will see that drinking isn't exactly condoned either.

Quite frankly, anyone doing drugs or excessive alcohol when they have children needs to grow up and accept their responsibilities.

As for "doing meow" while your children are in bed. Why do you feel the need to do this? Bizarre.

There are other ways to let loose Cupcake, and emotional blackmail is fine by me, he'd do exactly the same if the situation was reversed and admitted as much. All I am hoping is that I've made him realise that he needs to grow up a bit now that he is responsible for two other human beings. I have no problem with him drinking, going out etc, it is just the drug taking and honesty that I have an issue with.

I don't take drugs but I've not got a problem with people who take them in a responsible manner when not around their kids.

Why would I?

It's not affecting the kids at all.

Honesty is a different matter, but honesty does not equate with "doing what I say when I say it".

belledame, Why is it bizzare? I assume you consider it bizzare simply because a. you don't take drugs and b. the media tells you to think it's bizzare.

Again, the only difference between having a drink of a night and having some meow or smoking a spliff is a law.

But doing something you've promised not to is dishonest

Just to answer the question as to 'why' people take drugs. Because it is fun. The same reason you would do anything that is not directly realted to your own or someone elses welfare.

I don't think anyone needs to justify why they take drugs per se. Why they take them in light of the many and varied risks yes, but 'because I want to' is quite adequate an explanation for a motivation.

It's like all the 'video games, what a waste of time' comments. Just because you don't see the value in am experience does not mean it had no value.

Damn, I wasn't going to post on this thread anymore.

'the only difference between having a drink and having some meow or smoking a spliff is a law'

oh, just a law

that's ok then! As responsible parents we ought to do illegal stuff when we have our own sleeping children upstairs. Be rude not to really!

Agree with BelleDame that these responses are simply users justifying what they do (with seriously lacking in any logic justifications) and they do manage to always, completely, ignore the wider implications of the drugs trade. It's truly pathetic.

You've obviously not read the bit where I state "I don't do drugs". I wasn't making it up.

If you use the law as your moral barometer then you're going to end up being told what is right and wrong rather than gasp thinking about it yourself.

There are plenty of laws that have been repealed in the past. Were the actions they prohibited 'wrong', then suddenly 'right' overnight? I don't think so.

'You never hear anything in the media about people getting into trouble or dying when taking things like ecstasy or speed etc. Drug use is frowned upon by society because of a law.'

I'd love for you to come swap houses with me.

We live above a drug dealer.

Want to come and see what our lives are like?

Please, I'm actually begging here because we feel like our lives are in danger.

The police lift him and then just let him go.

His mates are all criminals and users.

Again, CAT me, I'd love to swap.

You can see exactly why drug use is frowned upon.

I dare you!

If some parents want to take drugs, discretely, when their parents are asleep, what's wrong with that?

The blinkered narrow mindedness of this forum makes me laugh

How about you address the points I made rather than spewing out histrionicly?

For one thing, if all drugs were legal you wouldn't live above a drug dealer, would you?

expat , my sympathies, my friend ended up moving for the same reason - it was a nightmare.

What is this "we all have to let off steam" errr... no we don't. Why?

As Ooja says people take drugs presumably because they are fun - don't try to make out that its an essential part of life.

We all need to take a break occasionally but that in no way needs drink or drugs or anything else to be efffective.

As I said before I have my vices and I'm no saint but I do try to minimise the things I do which are bad for me or others. (whether they are legal or not). Drinking in moderation is actually good for you btw so you should be comparing occasional drug use with that not binge drinking. And you should take into account the production and distribution. For example I try where possible and affordable to minimise my food miles by buying locally.

Perhaps growing your own marujuana is the answer - oops no thats illegal. Sorry, I forgot, we don't care if something is crimnal if we deem it to be unneccessaily criminal.

"If some parents want to take drugs, discretely, when their parents are asleep, what's wrong with that?"

Well setting aside the legality issue (as we seem to be) then nothing, my mum might be a bit surprised when I turn up to smoke a spliff in her living room whilst she's asleep though.

maybe I'm more careful of teh law than most, having had an open house to social workers for 6 years now, being accused of taking drugs even if not prosecuted, would inevitably have meant losing DS or not getting him in the first place.

Maybe I'm jealous that some of you can flout the law so openly wihtout any thought crissing your head that it might be a problem.

I also don;t approve of being in charge of a child an being incapable of dealing with an emergency. I personally also have an issue with condoning drug use in front of children, very hard to get a moderation message through to many teenagers.

Kew, you are a funny, funny lady ala your "mum might be a bit surprised when I turn up to smoke a spliff in her living room whilst she's asleep though" comment

Grumpy, pleased you have sorted things with your DH.