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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DH and cnsidering kicking him out?

225 replies

grumpydrawers · 06/12/2009 17:31

I'm fully aware that I might be flamed for this, but here goes, AIBU?
DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 6, we have two beautiful kids, 4 yo and 1 yo. We both have a reasonably colourful past, DH was quite into drugs in his 'youf'. Once DC's came along we made an agreement, no more hard drugs. He still smokes the odd joint, which I can live with but really not happy about anything harder than that.
He has one particular friend who I really don't like but tolerate for the sake of harmony, they have been mates since kids etc. Every time DH sees him he behaves like a kid, either gets really hammered and ends up staying on someones floor or as I have recently discovered ends up taking coke or similar. DH never tells me, but I usually find out from another friend or family member.
Today I found out that he met up with him on Thursday night, ostensibly to do some work for him, and took some 'meow'. I know nothing about this drug and from the research I've done it looks pretty unresearched, no known side effects, but a couple of deaths potentially linked to it.
I confronted him about it and he said it's not an issue, he'd done his research and that it was not an illegal drug. He is more concerned that I went through his text messages to find out about it, I actually didn't, DD was playing with his phone and I happened to see a sent message to this friend about the after effects and how many lines he'd taken. To this I told him that we shouldn't have any secrets anyway and me seeing his messages is not the big issue.
I have said before that I would kick him out if I found out that he was doing any hard drugs and I am tempted to threaten him with that again now.
I really love him and don't want to split over this as after all it is done and dusted now, but I really want him to understand that he can't do it again, I will not have anyone in my childrens life that is this irresponsible. My feeling is that I have two choices: ask him to leave to show how much this has angered me and as I know he wont want to do this it will show him how serious I am about it never happening again.
Or I tell him that I don't want him to see this freind again. I know it is not my place to dictate his friends, but he can't seem to control himself when he is around him, and I don't trust them together at all. DH is easily influenced and this guy is a bad influence.
So AIBU and what would you do?

OP posts:
curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 16:41

especially if they are an adult and a parent who should know better.

confuseddoiordonti · 08/12/2009 16:45

Yes. They should go on the naughty step.

From the parents I know, they have certainly curbed their behaviour since becoming parents but they have not become holier than thou either. And I very much doubt it's just my friends either (and I am talking consultant surgeons etc). And none of them have every had any problem, and neither have their children.

ooojimaflip · 08/12/2009 16:48

expat - fair point, all posts are opinions.

"It is in no way normal or acceptable for a parent to take illegal drugs."

Is written as if it is a statement of fact though - so it would be helpful if there was either an IMO disclaimer or something to back it up with. Particularly "No way". Glaucoma? MS? And Parent - what if your kids are in their fourties? Or normal? Does this meant "the practice of the majority" or does it mean "not dissaproved of by the majority" or something else? Acceptable to whom?

Deviant is a very loaded term too.

expatinscotland · 08/12/2009 16:50

'Is written as if it is a statement of fact though - so it would be helpful if there was either an IMO disclaimer or something to back it up with.'

Seems rather superfluous to add IMO to even something like that on a board like this.

ooojimaflip · 08/12/2009 16:55

This is the problem with the drugs debate in general though - that there isn't one, just people spouting ill informed opinions at each other.

(I am not better informed than any one else).

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 16:56

oojima - So it is 'the norm' for a parent to take drugs and perfectly acceptable which is why SS may become involved if a parent is caught taking drugs? I'm afraid that is a fact in this country and that deviance by definition is behaviour outside what is acceptable and/or the norm... A parent taking illegal drugs is deviant behaviour.

TheWorldFamousKewcumber · 08/12/2009 17:03

thisxgirl - you seem to this those of us who don't like drug taking (I don't think I am hysterical about it) are not aware of people in our circle taking drugs as if we are living in some of surreal rosy glow. I am in my 40's and drug taking wasn't invented in the 80's but back in the 60's (around the time they invented sex I believe).

My ex partner had an issue with both Cannabis use and alcohol use and no doubt it would fall into many peoples difinition of "not a problem". I don't think he was addicted but it was a problem for me. He was dull when either drink or high and really unable to function as part of a coherent relationship. No doubt it was lovely for him and lovely for all his similarly high friends but dull for anyone who wasn't. We broke up because of it.

The laugh of it is that he wouldn;t admit to it (the cannabis use) and thought I didn't know - like you he seemd to think it was so very difficult to tell when someone was high

Being that kind of age I am also aware of at least 2 men in my wider circle who died from cocaine induced heart attacks. They were only "occasional" users.

I do plenty that isn't good for me but strangely I do try to do my best to give up the things that aren't good for me - not only for myself but for my DS. I have a responsibility to him to minimise the risks I take. Why should this not apply to drug users too. I don't understand.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 17:04

confused - yes, adults are put on the naughty step when they break the law. They don't go to prison and end up with only supervised access to their children...

I don't think it matters what anyone thinks about the dangerousness/frequency of usage amongst parents of any illegal drugs, they are illegal and if you take them you risk being caught breaking the law. If you are caught you are risking your children as you would if you were caught carrying a knife or punching someone and for what?

ooojimaflip · 08/12/2009 17:05

Deviant carries connotations of mental illness, eugenics and other ways in which small groups have been oppressed by larger ones.

While it may be accurate to say that parents who take drugs deviate from the norm, describing them as deviant is emotionally loaded.

I'm not trying to paint drug taking parents as an oppressed minority though.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 17:05

it is also rather funny to suggest doctors are respectable when it comes to drug addiction, doctors are particularly prone to drug use.

ooojimaflip · 08/12/2009 17:07

TheWorldFamousKewcumbe - MY GOD but stoned people are dull. It's one of the reasons I stopped - it just made me boring.

ooojimaflip · 08/12/2009 17:09

curiosity - Normal is by definition a relative term - normal compared to what?

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 17:11

how does deviance carry those connotations?! In your mind it may but not if you look at the definition of the word. It is deviant behaviour - behaviour outside of the cultural norm or rules of society! Parents that take drugs are not the cultural norm.

'Glamourous' carries connotations of prostitution (don't know why) in my mind but this is not the definition of the word. You can't expect people to know what a word means to you personally outside it's common definition.

ooojimaflip · 08/12/2009 17:14

curiosity - "yes, adults are put on the naughty step when they break the law. They don't go to prison and end up with only supervised access to their children..."

One of the problems is that this DOESN'T happen. Very few people who are arrested for drug offences go to prison for any serious length of time. If it all. There is not enough space for them if we did do this. I don't know what SS position would be, but they certainly don't have the resources to take into care the children of everyone with a drug conviction.

What we are doing at the moment is NOT working. We need to try something else.

TheWorldFamousKewcumber · 08/12/2009 17:15

aren't they just ooja - I admire your self awareness that you were too. IME most of them don't and even seem to think you can't tell!

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 17:17

did you not see on my post further up the conversation where I said 'the norm'? You can pick on semantics all you like but can you suggest to me any section of society where it is normal for parents with care of their children to take illegal drugs? Probably fairly normal for parents without care who are in jail to take drugs but taking drugs is normally what has landed them in jail in one way or another.

You may know people who do, you might even feel it is acceptable to you but that doesn't mean it is normal i.e. conforming to a norm/an expected state/the standard. Things that are illegal are not 'the norm'.

ooojimaflip · 08/12/2009 17:21

Deviant was a word used to describe Homosexuals as a way to further marginalise them.

Oppressive regiemes describe opponents as Deviants in order to oppress them.

I think these things are generally known and colour the use of the word.

It implies a moral judgement, and one that says that the person the term is applied to is worth less as a person.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 17:24

it is not normal for people to be caught when taking drugs no. It is also not normal for those people to end up in jail purely based on that. It depends how generous your judge is feeling and you will still have adrugs conviction which will prevent you from being around children. If the government had brought in that extreme CRB checking then you DCs would not have been able to have friends round. Also having a drugs conviction is likely to really improve your career prospects...

If you are carrying enough for your mate too you'll be done for dealing.

punishments

ooojimaflip · 08/12/2009 17:25

See, if you were talking about people who don't clean up their dog's shit, I might agree with you.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 17:27

oojima - that was when people believed homosexuality was deviance, when it was a crime like taking illegal drugs. It may not be right but at the time it was classed as deviant behaviour. Maybe one day these drugs will be legal but until then taking them is a crime.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 17:29

dog fouling is not a crime, it is against bye-laws.

You can argue that you think these drugs should be legalised but until they are taking them is deviant behaviour and illegal.

ooojimaflip · 08/12/2009 17:31

curiosity - but you won't get those punishments.

Quick google:-
Of the over 127,000 people who committed drug offences under the MDA in 1997:

50 per cent were given a police caution and not taken to court.
22 per cent were fined.
18 per cent were dealt with by other means such as suspended prison sentences, probation or supervision orders, community service orders or discharged.
9 per cent were imprisoned.

The problem with the carrer prospects/crb stuff is it only works once. Once it is on your record were is the motiviation not to reoffend? If you only have a 10% ish chance of going to prison, and a much smaller chance of getting caught in the first place, then you may well think that a chance worth taking.

ooojimaflip · 08/12/2009 17:34

So you would be happy to desribe someone practicing Homosexuality before 1967 as a Deviant?

Semantics are important.

There are many people in peer groups where drug taking is the norm parent or not. Labeling them deviant, however accurate, doesn't help or enocourage them to seek help.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 17:42

oojima - I just said that. Those are the powers the court can make use of, you can't rule out a severe punishment because it isn't up to you.

It doesn't only work once as there are progressive levels of punishment depending on how often you are caught. I reckon depending on the class of the drug you may get one or two cautions, then a fine and then a couple of community orders/suspended sentences followed by a prison sentence. If you test positive for class A's you'd probably have to be assessed by a drug worker and if you are a parent SS will be informed.

The possibility of getting a conviction should really be a risk most parents are not willing to take as it will impact their family life. Your argument for 'once it is on your record where is the motivation to stop' really is only a reason for a parent to never ever take drugs.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 08/12/2009 17:46

oojimaflip - that is not my definition. Society described it as deviant behaviour. It is rather below the belt to try and paint me as a homophobe.

If it is acceptable and the norm and not deviant behaviour why do they need help? What sections of society is it 'the norm' for parents to take illegal drugs then? It is parents I have been specifically talking about. I am aware that it is fairly normal for 16 year old to smoke weed but I am talking about parents here. Either way it is not acceptable, that is why it is illegal and why SS are concerned by a parent taking illegal drugs.