To be furious with DH and cnsidering kicking him out?

[grumpydrawers]

I'm fully aware that I might be flamed for this, but here goes, AIBU?
DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 6, we have two beautiful kids, 4 yo and 1 yo. We both have a reasonably colourful past, DH was quite into drugs in his 'youf'. Once DC's came along we made an agreement, no more hard drugs. He still smokes the odd joint, which I can live with but really not happy about anything harder than that.
He has one particular friend who I really don't like but tolerate for the sake of harmony, they have been mates since kids etc. Every time DH sees him he behaves like a kid, either gets really hammered and ends up staying on someones floor or as I have recently discovered ends up taking coke or similar. DH never tells me, but I usually find out from another friend or family member.
Today I found out that he met up with him on Thursday night, ostensibly to do some work for him, and took some 'meow'. I know nothing about this drug and from the research I've done it looks pretty unresearched, no known side effects, but a couple of deaths potentially linked to it.
I confronted him about it and he said it's not an issue, he'd done his research and that it was not an illegal drug. He is more concerned that I went through his text messages to find out about it, I actually didn't, DD was playing with his phone and I happened to see a sent message to this friend about the after effects and how many lines he'd taken. To this I told him that we shouldn't have any secrets anyway and me seeing his messages is not the big issue.
I have said before that I would kick him out if I found out that he was doing any hard drugs and I am tempted to threaten him with that again now.
I really love him and don't want to split over this as after all it is done and dusted now, but I really want him to understand that he can't do it again, I will not have anyone in my childrens life that is this irresponsible. My feeling is that I have two choices: ask him to leave to show how much this has angered me and as I know he wont want to do this it will show him how serious I am about it never happening again.
Or I tell him that I don't want him to see this freind again. I know it is not my place to dictate his friends, but he can't seem to control himself when he is around him, and I don't trust them together at all. DH is easily influenced and this guy is a bad influence.
So AIBU and what would you do?

The reason I find it "bizarre" to take drugs while your children are asleep is no different to the reason I would find it bizarre to need to get drunk/high/whatever when you are in a position of responsibility. It just seems (to me) really immature and selfish.

Guess I'm old fashioned like that

As someone who's life and who's DS's life is being turned upside down because of drugs, I have to say that taking drugs 'because it's fun' or 'just to relax' or 'because it's not a big deal' is a heart wrenching thing to hear. I have heard these things before. At the time it was the case. It no longer is. Everyone thinks they can handle it or it isn't a big deal, No really, for them it isn't, they CAN handle it, there is no problem there, I am just being stupid about it because I don't know about drugs.....

I know. I know too well.

I hope those that take drugs on here will one day realise, unfortunately though, most of them probably wont.

Re. reports that drinking in moderation can be beneficial - for example, a couple of glasses of red wine a week can prevent heart disease, is that what they say? Just to play devil's advocate here - and perhaps come across as paranoid (haha!) - hypothetically, do you think the government would publicise information about moderate drug use being beneficial or would they sweep that under the carpet and fire their advisors? Do you think that perhaps these reports regarding alcohol are released because it benefits the government who makes huge profit off alcohol sales? I'm just supposing here. The older I get, the more I learn, the more I don't trust the government and don't look to them for a moral code. Just because something is 'illegal' it doesn't intrinsically make it any worse than something that is legal - you're allowing somebody else to shape your values there. Obviously brazenly flouting the law is unwise, especially if you have children - unfortunately, we are part of a system that punishes you for behaving in ways that the government doesn't approve of or benefit from and you have to operate within that system.

spewing historionically?

this is my life, not some made-up anecdote.

i have no idea where this dealer would be if drugs were legal.

i don't care, either, because they are not and the probably won't be anytime soon.

i'm powerless to change that at present.

all i can do is beg, steal or borrow to move again, for the second time in 6 months.

that's not an anecdote, that's a shitty truth.

melted - I'm sorry you have suffered because of drugs. It sounds as if somebody in your life was a regular user of a substance? I DO think there is a difference between that and being offered something at a party once or twice a year and having it. Clearly, in the latter case, there is no habit, no dependency. Of course some people don't stop at that and develop a habit but many don't. As millions of people have a little drink to 'relax' or 'have fun' - and don't develop an addiction or allow it to significantly impact their lives - so too can some people take that attitude to illegal substances. It's all very well people relating their anecdotes of drugs ruining lives but there are just as many stories regarding alcohol abuse and really, that is the crux of this debate, I think - it seems narrow-minded to create an illusory heirarchy of drugs according to their legality when, in fact, all drugs (including alcohol, prescriptive meds...) can be dangerous and habit-forming and potentially problematic.

All are the same IMO, alcohol included, I agree.

No, not a regular user... I think a lot of people that use or drink casually don't realise the impact either. Some may escape... but why take the chance?

'How about you address the points I made rather than spewing out histrionicly?

For one thing, if all drugs were legal you wouldn't live above a drug dealer, would you?'

Very niave. OK, yes, you DO hear things in the media about people dying etc because of Es....

Yes there STILL would be drug dealers... You really think that drug dealing will stop because it becomes legal? After tax and all that has been shoved on you think dealers wont exist anymore? Totally niave.....

Add message | Report | Contact poster By thesecondcoming Wed 09-Dec-09 13:35:38
ok, i had stepped away from this but am popping back to say some of you sound like a bunch of mildly hysterical girl guides....
1/if alcohol/fags were 'invented'now do you think they'd be licensed? of course not,but as the government takes a hefty profit everytime someone indulges in that it's legally ok is it?
2/ how many people on this board have taken drugs and not had a problem? how many peoples partners have taken drugs and not had a problem? how many people have issues with drink in their relationship? there will always be people with addictive personalities-the vast vast vast majority of people go through life as a recreational drug user with no issues or interventions needed.

Heard it all before.........
Most are so involved with what they do they dont see it as a problem to anyone else.

Anyway, I don't know why I jumped in on this thread. I'm off.

Recreational drugs of any kind often make people very selfish; they kind of numb their empathy chip, in my opinion.

I say that as someone who has over the years lost many friends through fallings-out over drugs or drug use.

Most recently I lose my closest female friend of many years after she thought it was totally 'cool' to get stoned the first time I took my 9 month old baby to visit her at her house. Apparently I was very 'uncool' to say I thought it was "a bit off"...cue ungodly row, bye bye friendship. She just couldn't see that I was asking for a bit of fair warning so I could have made the choice to leave the house or stay there.

Incidentally, i'm in a late thirties and have had my fair share of wild times; i'm neither condoning nor damning drug use, but even the casual user I find hard to take nowadays.

I have an idea. How about treating him like an adult instead of a naughty boy?

He takes a few drugs when he is out with friends away from you and your children, so what? Isn't he allowed to do anything that does not meet your approval?

Treat him like your husband, not a son that you are grounding for misbehaving. Poor guy.

"Do as I say, or else our 15 years are over."

I would leave you anyway after that ultimatum. All that you have achieved by acting so immaturely is for him to be even more secretive in the future.

so bella you find it bizzare to take drugs , including booze, full stop?

Why is it immature? It all just seems like moral posturing in this thread, spitting out all the old cliches with nothing to back it up, not answering the points raised for and against etc. etc.

m'kay?

'mari-joo-ahna is baid, mmkayy?'

i love South Park!

I think I said I find it bizarre to be drunk/high etc when responsible for children. If the drugs don't give you a buzz and are really like just having one drink why bother with the potential legal fall out?

So it's ok, for example, on a night out when you've got a babysitter?

leave him for your kids' sakes.

I think some people are missing the point here. Whether you approve of drugs or not, the OP said that she had a deal with her DP that there would be no hard drugs. A deal that he's broken, she is right to be upset.

OP, I hope things are getting sorted between you both, and that he's realised how much of an impact the situation has had on you, and that you can find a way to work around this.

Er no, I don't actually think it's ok when you have a babysitter. Thank you for putting words into my mouth.

I actually don't think it's ok at all when you're looking after children. Full stop. That, however, is my choice.

'Leave him for your kids' sakes'.

So, a guy goes out, entirely away from his children, and takes a legal substance.

This has no effect on how he takes care of the kids when he gets back.

But this poster is saying 'Leave him for your kids sakes'. Which will have the bigger impact on the kids, I wonder?

wow, interesting thread. I am a drug and alcohol counsellor so i obviously have something to say.
there are several issues here, lets ignore the 'hard drugs' debate and focus on whats important.
He sometimes goes out and gets wasted, either on alcohol or sometimes on other drugs but is a great loving dad otherwise. How often would it be acceptable to give him a pass to do this? Once a month, once every 3 months? if he stuck to this and crashed somewhere else coming back fully recovered, would it be worth staying in the relationship?
Imagine it was football he was keen on and he was sneaking off to watch games, from what you describe his behaviour seems similar really.
Next the lying dynamic, you have set a boundary together, he may wish to renogicate this, if he is not prepeared to give up these infrequent nights out is it worth loosing him over? by taking the role of police officer you are to some extent pushing him to lie.
Do you very go out with the girls? have you ever had a nahngover the next day, whats the difference, well the alcohol is probably more dangerous in terms of harm but does he give you that space? if so you might want to think about wheter having a loving husband who likes a night off every now and then is better than being single mum. Don't make ultimatums you aren't FULLY willing to live out.
I think you should talk to a drug & alcohol service (you can google to find a locl one) and ask them if you can speak to a family support worker, they may well think you are joking when you outline the issue as its really way below what a treatmetn service would consider a drug problem.
have you considered counselling? prehpas having a nutral third party around might help, it sounds like you have a communication problem.
Good Luck

chuffster - harsh and i think you have missed the point. It's not that the OP thinks her DH has a drug problem. She doesn't like him taking drugs, he said he wouldn't and then did and lied about it. It is perfectly fine of her to say she doesn't want to be with someone who does drugs. It's anyone's right to say they don't want to be with someone who drinks/takes drugs/wears jeans e.t.c. if that is how they feel.

What bollocks that the OP is pushing him to lie! No-one pushes a fully grown adult to lie. It is thoroughly pathetic to secretly take drugs and then lie about it to your wife. Alcoholics always use the same excuse to justify their drinking as a matter of fact - something you really should know. It is not true, just an excuse to help justify their pathetic behaviour/addiction. If you're going to do it at least have the bollocks to admit to it.

Communication problem? Yes, I'd say so. A bigger problem, I would suggest is that the OP appears to be married to a child who does bad things because his mate says so then lies about it.

Having re-read this thread I totally agree that the people saying it is fine to occasionally use illegal drugs when you have children with various conditions applied, are all people who occasionally use or would use illegal drugs. I don't think you can understand the effect your drug use has on your life and the domino effect on those around you, even if it is only sporadic and I speak as someone who knows. I've not taken any for 7 years.

Those who think it is fine repeatedly justify their drug use and refuse to address the issue with legality and punishment. The only time this has been addressed (by thisxgirl) it was an uber-paranoid sounding post about Governmental control... You might not agree with some of the laws in this country, hell I'd think you'd be hard pressed to find someone who agreed with all of them, but it's tough. If you want to live here you have to abide by them OR you will face consequences at some point. It is difficult to regularly break the law, even if it is sporadic, without ever being caught.

The other thing is drug users are all trying to deflect the criticism by saying 'yeah well I think alcohol is worse'. This is such a non-argument. No-one is talking about alcohol, it is weird to assume that anyone who thought breaking the law by taking illegal drugs was a bad thing for a parent to do, would drink at all or think alcohol was fine. Thinking parents shouldn't commit a crime just for a short-term high says nothing about their opinions or usage of alcohol/cigarettes/cake...

Take it janemartina was calling me a moron then? Yep, yeah, I'm a moron because I don't think it is OK to take drugs... The last time I encountered that attitude I was around 14.

I just wanted to say that I have made many comments about punishment and legality, not just one "paranoid" one - not even sure which specific one you're referring to?

The legal aspect seems to be your main bone of contention, which I understand. It is the only relevant aspect to me as I do not consider rare drug use to be inherently problematic outside of its legal status (and implications) and the production ethics. Everybody weighs up the risks worth taking in their lives and being caught is a relatively small risk if you aren't a brazen idiot about it. Like I said, a house party with six adults all using a small amount of a substance on a one-off occasion are highly unlikely to attract sufficient attention to be raided. Anyway, in my experience (which may not be representative of usual police practice) the police aren't interested in the paperwork unless they suspect you are selling or a repeat offender - they take the goods and clear you out. Going out with drugs on you to a club is clearly a ridiculous risk to take, as a parent or otherwise - it's a risk I've firmly left in my youth. I actually wouldn't even take the risk of personally buying drugs myself - although it is perhaps surprising just how many people I am aware of successfully, regularly buying drugs, barely even bothering to be discreet, and there is no police attention on them as yet. You wouldn't think it would be so easy.