To be furious with DH and cnsidering kicking him out?

[grumpydrawers]

I'm fully aware that I might be flamed for this, but here goes, AIBU?
DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 6, we have two beautiful kids, 4 yo and 1 yo. We both have a reasonably colourful past, DH was quite into drugs in his 'youf'. Once DC's came along we made an agreement, no more hard drugs. He still smokes the odd joint, which I can live with but really not happy about anything harder than that.
He has one particular friend who I really don't like but tolerate for the sake of harmony, they have been mates since kids etc. Every time DH sees him he behaves like a kid, either gets really hammered and ends up staying on someones floor or as I have recently discovered ends up taking coke or similar. DH never tells me, but I usually find out from another friend or family member.
Today I found out that he met up with him on Thursday night, ostensibly to do some work for him, and took some 'meow'. I know nothing about this drug and from the research I've done it looks pretty unresearched, no known side effects, but a couple of deaths potentially linked to it.
I confronted him about it and he said it's not an issue, he'd done his research and that it was not an illegal drug. He is more concerned that I went through his text messages to find out about it, I actually didn't, DD was playing with his phone and I happened to see a sent message to this friend about the after effects and how many lines he'd taken. To this I told him that we shouldn't have any secrets anyway and me seeing his messages is not the big issue.
I have said before that I would kick him out if I found out that he was doing any hard drugs and I am tempted to threaten him with that again now.
I really love him and don't want to split over this as after all it is done and dusted now, but I really want him to understand that he can't do it again, I will not have anyone in my childrens life that is this irresponsible. My feeling is that I have two choices: ask him to leave to show how much this has angered me and as I know he wont want to do this it will show him how serious I am about it never happening again.
Or I tell him that I don't want him to see this freind again. I know it is not my place to dictate his friends, but he can't seem to control himself when he is around him, and I don't trust them together at all. DH is easily influenced and this guy is a bad influence.
So AIBU and what would you do?

Its not routine for SSD to be interested in drug use FWIW, we were only allowed torefer if a soleaprent or both aprents were invovled as there was nobody tomitigate or check syringes etc were safe, or that the person was OK to aprent.

Not sure how I feel about that, not entirely sure how many non users would have adruggie apartner leaving syringes about anyway (?? surely that would be extreme and probably put most people off) but thems the rules we had.

Many people in those stas are like DH or BIL, tried it once (OK BIL a good few times) but gave up way before having kids,and even then self limited to cannabis.

PMSL at IMO on the end of posts. Maybe MN could just pop up a disclaimer? this site features opinions. or should it be perer verified research material?

In 1967 (or 1987 where I come from- note I moved) homsexuality was seen as deviant

Now we don'tsee it as that

So its not the same thing becuase you have to apply the cultural norms of the time to the laws existent then.

OP, I think it's pointless threatening either option as I don't think you'll do it and neither will your DH. I think you can just explain your disappointment and hope he stops.

I'm aware that SS wouldn't do anything unless the children were being placed at risk by the drug taking peachy but I wouldn't want my name to be placed together with 'drugs' on a piece of SS paperwork. The police do inform SS of a parent's drug convictions not to mention all the people the person knows that could report them to SS.

Me neither Curiosity, but I think some people (not you obv) think drugs = lose your kids.

It doesn't.

Sadly in some cases (not most I know).

My ex had drugs tests during our Family Court hearing. If he had tested positive he would have had supervised access until he tested negative. If someone in the OP's situation kicked their partner out they'd be within their rights to demand supervised access and regular drug tests (if one was positive) too.

You could go from parent and husband at home to single and denied free access to your children in one easy sniff... There are just so many implications of even one or irregular recreational use of drugs for parents. If you take them you put control of your life in other people's hands as guaranteed someone will notice you are off your head no matter how careful you are.

curiosity - it was not my intention to imply you are homophobic, just to illustrate my problem with the term deviant. If you WERE homophobic, then I don't think my point would have worked...

curiosity - I think that I don't actually disagree in any significant way with the substance of what you are saying. It's the tone of moral certainty I have a problem with

Virgin - we need IMO for OTHER peoples posts. Everything I post is true obv.

Can't be coz like everyone knows I am reasoned and sensible

like innit

well it is hardly morally desirable to take drugs is it? It's the legality. If the drugs were legal then there'd be no issue in my mind. I wouldn't take drugs but it'd be up to other people to make their own decisions.

Being caught breaking the law will not only have consequences for you if you have children. It's not the drugs I'm applying a judgement to, it's the breaking of the law for the sake of getting high which is entirely selfish - taking drugs has no benefit to anyone but yourself.

and I think you'll find it is me that is right!

I know smack head bad parents that get to keep their dcs, I am sure a little stoner wouldn't have a problem.

theworldfamous - thank you for the history of drug use (which I was already aware of, without being unnecessarily patronised) and for also stating that I seem to think it's difficult to tell when somebody is high...when did I say that again?

It sounds like your ex regularly used cannabis and alcohol. I wouldn't condone either of those behaviours and that is not the type of 'drug use' I am talking about. Prolonged, habitual drug use almost certainly makes people dull and demotivated and is unacceptable, whether a parent or not.

For the record, I gave birth four and a half months ago and have not taken any drugs for perhaps a year and a half. Prior to that I sometimes dabbled on a weekly or thrice-annually basis, depending on which year we're talking about. My parents would have been horrified if they had known that I started experimenting when I was 16 but I was not an exception by any means whatsoever, even in my private school where kids would take coke on school skiing trips. Like I said, I can think of two people I know within my sort of age bracket that haven't tried a hard drug at some point.

If I go to an NYE party and I am offered cocaine, I will probably have a little. So shoot me. Tell me I'm a bad mother or not respectable or a deviant. I used to think that people who took drugs as parents were despicable, but that was before I had children and I realised that becoming a mother does not change you - you just accommodate your personality for the best interests of your child while also allowing yourself to be some degree of your own person. I have no desire to get smashed every weekend or every month, none whatsoever - I wholly embraced the change in lifestyle entailed with having a baby. But I'll have a couple of lines of coke on NYE and won't feel bad about it, just like those mothers who still horseride or do other dangerous activities (probably much more regularly than my 'drug-taking' [to even use that phrase suggests a regularity which doesn't exist]) because they will not give up every part of themselves to a role, albeit the most important role. This isn't devastating to my child - certainly not as much as growing up with my alcoholic mother was. And my original point was, simply, not for people to get their knickers in a twist about drugs when alcohol is as much of a problem for our society and the family. Do mothers shun individuals who drink moderately? Generally, no. So why shun somebody who dabbles in drugs occasionally in their private lives in a controlled and considered way? You can't just divide people up into 'bad' and 'good' because of the choices they make, unless their choices impact you.

Um... I would put up with it if I were you. Yes he's being a twat and childish etc etc but that is what men are like, isn't it? I think I would just have a good old barney with him, get it off your chest. Make him do the kids' bedtime for a week single-handed, plus bring a cup of tea in bed for you every morning till Christmas. Then put it down to experience.
You've both dabbled, you're more mature than him now, but then you probably always knew that, didn't you? Can totally understand why you're really pissed off but I'd be surprised if he did it again too often. It sounds like he's on the road to being a grown up, just taking his time about it. I say this as someone whose very young parents got divorced over complete nonsense when they were about 28 or so. That is the worst thing you could do to your kids - deprive them of a brilliant dad. Stick together, work it out, you can grow up together.
After all this drug is still legal, you've tolerated coke in the past, which isn't. I'd say give it another few years and he'll be totally over it anyway.
Know you must be feeling shit and I'm not saying he's a shining example of perfection - but who is? Chin up!

Just another point: SS only gets involved when drug-use becomes problematic, affecting the safety or wellbeing of the child. I have not been discussing problematic drug use - believe me, people can occasionally take drugs and it doesn't interfere with their jobs, relationships or parenting skills because, I suppose, they don't do it regularly. And thank god that SS get sinvolved in the more extreme cases, because no child should be in the care of an addict or regular user. However, SS has no business whatsoever in interfering with somebody taking some coke or something at a party while the children are in the care of a responsible adult.

thisxgirl - it does make you deviant by definition actually being that it is not socially acceptable for a parent to take cocaine and it is not 'the norm'. IMO it would make you a very selfish parent too. I fail to see how you could be respectable and take illegal class A drugs either.

The only difference between habitual and occasional use is that you are less likely to be caught and punished. This is still possible though. You go out and have one drink and you will not be breaking the law, one line is breaking the law though. I hope you are prepared to face the consequences if you are caught. FWIW people never think they'll be caught either and it does happen to people who only occasionally do it or when they do it for the first time...

thisxgirl - SS are informed if you have a conviction, sometimes they are informed because someone has called about you. Being informed doesn't mean they will do anything but it will be written down.

Also, people who take illegal drugs often don't see how it affects people and things around them.

Oh and I speak as someone who has rather a lot of experience of taking illegal drugs and of being around/involved with people who do.

Interesting study here about cocaine users, given that it's considered to be one of the most addictive illegal drugs:

"Those who claim that cocaine is inherently addictive sometimes cite experiments with caged rats and monkeys who had unlimited access to unlimited supplies of cocaine and nothing else to do. Although such conditions virtually never exist for humans, our follow-up respondents (as did all our other respondents) had very easy access to cocaine--culturally and geographically. Financial access is not much of a problem, although income level generates its own limits. Therefore, if addiction were strictly a function of the physiological presence of and access to the substance, we would expect to find many long-term, frequent cocaine users exhibiting patterns of use we associate with addiction. As shown in our data on development of use patterns in our follow-up respondents, this was not the case."

Obviously that doesn't consider the impact of the drugs trade but thought it was interesting.

dd knew a girl who died of a heart attack related to meow - she was 16.

I'll freely admit when I took drugs recreationally in various ways it seriously affected my life but I didn't understand that until I stopped. There's no way I'd ever, ever contemplate even being around someone who took drugs, even occasionally, now I've got children. I didn't have a problem with or a bad time with them either. I enjoyed them. I didn't realise about the effects on my life until I stopped though.

50 people die from anti-depressant abuse every year in the UK, nearly 9,000 from alcohol. Abuse of any drug is dangerous.

Like I have said over and over, I think drug use is a problem when it is regular. From regular use, health problems tend to occur - it is rare to take a small quantity of a drug on an isolated occasion and face either immediate or later health complications. Regular use also affects your behaviour and consequently your family/relationships. Are you trying to tell me that if I take two lines of coke on NYE, it will certainly significantly affect my behaviour beyond the following afternoon? Do you think the impact on my behaviour would be much different from a heavy hangover? Do you really think my behaviour will be warped and I won't realise it and it will have significant ramifications? Be realistic. You are talking about habitual users, displaying behaviours associated with regular use, not somebody who dabbled on a single occasion, only to be followed perhaps six months later.

There is a huge, huge distinction between regular use and sporadic, infrequent use in terms of interpersonal relations and health concerns. The chances of getting caught are not the only difference at all.

And what do you think actually happens if the police 'catch' you? Which, might I add, is highly unlikely if you are at an intimate party with exclusive friends who are also taking the same drug (the only circumstance within which I would do it). It seems very far-fetched. The police have enough on their plates without raiding middle-class housing estates for a gram of cocaine. I have been at parties when I was teenager where the police were contacted and they simply came and took the drugs away and told us all to go home. The police didn't ask around to see if anybody was a parent (not everybody was as young as me) and there were no legal implications whatsoever. To some extent, the police seem to tolerate drug use with the understanding that it is difficult to obliterate it - it's like a strange understanding that if you don't have quantities assumed for sale and you're not harming anyone, they let you get on with it. I am only going off the experiences of myself and others I know - perhaps that's not textbook.