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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to discipline my 13 month old?

165 replies

meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 19:01

He is my first DC.

He undertands when i am asking him not to do something (I say 'no' firmly) and knows fine well when he is being naughty. (He waits for me not to look and then runs over to whatever it is) If I have said no on several occassions and he still isnt listening i gentely slap the back of his hand (not that this seems to bother him in the slightest ) I also do the no and maybe slap hand bit when he throws one of his (unbelievable and reletively common) temper tantrums.

Sometimes I feel like I am being too harsh on him and sometimes i deffinately feel my mother thinks i am too harsh on him but he has such a temper (no idea where he could have got it from ) and he does know he is being naughty.

AIBU to discipline him like this? I hope I am not doing too much but I dont really know how to discipline him at the age he is at when he cant talk yet. How do you all discipline a child of this age?

OP posts:
smallorange · 07/11/2009 19:04

You don't. He is a baby.

jimblejambles · 07/11/2009 19:05

Personally I wouldn't smack his hand.
My ds2 is unbelievably headstrong and won't be told no so I say no loudly then pick him up and move him from whatever he shouldn't be doing. Then repeat several times.
Eventually he gets the message and its getting easier now he can talk
Hth

PyrotechnicToadstool · 07/11/2009 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 19:09

jimbles yes I do that too. It is a gentle slap. Don't know if i should even really call it a slap because that sounds sore and what i do isn't. Don't ask me then what the point is - I don't know - think i will stop doing that because it makes no difference to him anyway!

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 07/11/2009 19:09

yabvvvvvvu

he has no concept of being naughty - he doesn't "know" he is

stop slapping his hand - you are just teaching him to hit you back

ThePhantomPlopper · 07/11/2009 19:10

He's too young to understand.

At that age I just removed them from the scene and distracted them with a toy. No need for hand slapping!

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 19:10

Pyro i am asking for advice on what i should be doing. I don't need to be sworn at thank you.

OP posts:
echt · 07/11/2009 19:11

Stop hitting the child. If common humanity and principles won't stop, you, consider the fact that it plainly isn't working.

PoppyIsApain · 07/11/2009 19:13

My ds went through this stage at 13 months and still is at 17 months old, he is learning as is your dc. It is hard to get through to them but persevere and he will start to understand what no really means. If slapping the back of his hand is making no difference then don't do it, it just makes you feel bad, could you put him in his cot for 5 mins so you can have a break and so he forgets what he wanted in the first place.
It works well with my ds. HTH and don't feel bad

starmucks · 07/11/2009 19:13

You can't reason with a 13 month old. I don't understand why you feel the need to smack him, and I doubt he can either.

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 19:16

Thank you Poppy. I dont want to use his bed as 'punishment' because i dont want him to relate the two but I will stop the hand slapping - it doesn't work. I am happy to do the taking away and distracting thing (not that he EVER forgets what he wanted. Stubborn - got that from me too ) but i dont know what to do about his tantrums. They can go on for AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGES and he wont be distracted by ANYTHING else. It is a nightmare.

OP posts:
MoreCrackThanHarlem · 07/11/2009 19:16

Remove him from danger and distract.
Discipline has no place in parenting a 13 month old baby.
Distract distract distract.

You really should not be smacking a baby, pretty soon he will start to smack you back if you teach him that is how to make someone do what you want them to do.

Honestly

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 07/11/2009 19:18

X post

waitingforbedtime · 07/11/2009 19:18

YABextremelyU

He is a baby.

You are 'hitting' him.

Read that and work it out for yourself.

HerBoomWhizzBangitude · 07/11/2009 19:18

OH ffs.

A 13 month old doesn't need discipline because they don't understand how to be "naughty" as we define it.

You are not disciplining your child, you're swatting him, gently or otherwise. That's not discipline, I'm not really sure what it is - ineffectual parenting is the kindest term I can find right now.

My advice to you would be to go to the library and get a few books on child development and psychology so that you understand what is appropriate for a child that age and every age. At the moment you obviously haven't got a clue - saying that a 13 month old knows he's being naughty is proof of that. You will be a better parent, if you have more information.

notanumber · 07/11/2009 19:18

meltedchocolate you will be flamed for this, so be prepared.

However... Don't beat yourself up. You are clearly a good parent because you want to give your son boundaries and are so concerned about doing this properly that you are asking for advice about it. It's hardly as if you're just whacking your baby with a custom-made cane everytime he farts and doggedly refusing to countenance that it might not be the best approach.

I would agree with other posters that 13 months is too little for smacking though.

Don't worry, he'll respond to distraction and firm verbal warning (most of the time)...and it doesn't last forever, even though it seems as though it will.

Don't let yourself get upset by any aggresive YABU responses - 'tis only an internet forum. Good luck!

PoppyIsApain · 07/11/2009 19:21

I don't know what to recommend about the tantrums and i understand about bed as a punishment, im lucky my ds really loves his cot, could you get a playpen in his bedroom or something similar?
He sounds similar to my nephew who had bad temper tantrums at a similar age, my sister never did crack it but is out on the other side and has an amazing little boy who loves her dearly. Im sure it will go well for you too

NanaNina · 07/11/2009 19:21

Melted Choc - it sounds to me like you need to relax a little over bringing up your baby. Certainly agree with all others that hand slapping is just not on, with any ager child let alone a baby of 13 months, but I think you have this message loud and clear! Distraction is a good ploy and usually does work if you can distract with something worth it, if you see what I mean. You need to be a bit theatrical e.g. "OOOH LOOK what mummy has found HERE.........reaching for noisy toy or something similar, or carrying him around to the garden or another room.

Maybe you are a little tense and your baby is picking this up from you and this could be the cause of his tantrums. I wonder is he sleeping enough and having enough fresh air and stimulation.

mrscrocoduck · 07/11/2009 19:22

You are exhibiting poor parenting skills. At best.

Your actions are born of the assumption that a BABY has a defined awareness of right and wrong. This is absurd. EVERYTHING he does is explorative and not designed to annoy you. It only becomes 'naughty' when you label it so because of your outdated expectations of a child's behaviour.

If you do not like what he is doing - and I suggest you learn to accept much of it - then remove him from the temptation and provide an instant distraction. If that doesn't work try again. And again. And again. If a full blown tantrum occurs remove yourselves from the room/activity completely... and ignore any crying.

You DO NOT smack children. You CERTAINLY do not smack babies.

Firawla · 07/11/2009 19:23

I think people such as supernanny have said start to discipline the children at age 2. As I tend to find her good I stick to that idea and don't discipline my ds age 16 months, apart from tell him "no", move him away from the thing don't want him to mess with. Obviously you have to move them away from causing trouble and can not let them get away with whatever they want, or if they are rough with other kids, but they are still only learning at age 1. Smacking won't be a good idea as he may just copy that behaviour from you?
I find for tantrums best thing is just ignore them, they soon realise not having an effect

JackBauer · 07/11/2009 19:24

I had a friends DS around ehre earlier who was fascinated by the gas knobs on my oven. He kept trying to turn them.
Each time I said no and moved him away.
10 times at least.
Would never have dreamed of 'disciplining' him, even if he had been my child.
He was exploring! I would be more worried if he didn't want to try things out if I were you.

waitingforbedtime · 07/11/2009 19:26

Think my last post was a bit harsh in retrospect but like others have said, handling his 'behaviour' in this way will create longer problems in the long run (ie him being aggressive).

What does he do that is 'naughty'?

When you say he tantrums, what does he DO? (ie head bang, scream, cry, stamp feet etc)?

What do you do when he's tantrumming?

Its not easy, ds is almost 3 now and was into everything as a baby, helped by the fact he crawled etc quite early but I never labelled him 'naughty' then.

PyrotechnicToadstool · 07/11/2009 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerBoomWhizzBangitude · 07/11/2009 19:27

The other thing to remember is that a tantrum is an incredibly frightening thing for a young child - they lose control of themselves and simply can't regain control and he needs you to help him to. Slapping his hand doesn't help that, you need to calm him down, generally by holding him close and comforting him and making him feel safe and loved. (That's when you're not ignoring it, depends on circs, obv.) Having you winding up the tantrum by behaving in what to him is an inexplicable and frightening way, is not going to alleviate the tantrum, it's going to escalate it.

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 19:27

nota, poppy and nana thank you. Yes he sleeps VERY well, always has. We get on great with everything else but this. I am just not sure what to do. I will stop the hand slapping. Clearly isn't the way to go. I will keep on with the 'no's and the distraction thing and hope he eventually grows out of it.

OP posts: