Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to discipline my 13 month old?

165 replies

meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 19:01

He is my first DC.

He undertands when i am asking him not to do something (I say 'no' firmly) and knows fine well when he is being naughty. (He waits for me not to look and then runs over to whatever it is) If I have said no on several occassions and he still isnt listening i gentely slap the back of his hand (not that this seems to bother him in the slightest ) I also do the no and maybe slap hand bit when he throws one of his (unbelievable and reletively common) temper tantrums.

Sometimes I feel like I am being too harsh on him and sometimes i deffinately feel my mother thinks i am too harsh on him but he has such a temper (no idea where he could have got it from ) and he does know he is being naughty.

AIBU to discipline him like this? I hope I am not doing too much but I dont really know how to discipline him at the age he is at when he cant talk yet. How do you all discipline a child of this age?

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 07/11/2009 21:51

13 months is far too young for discipline. You'll be telling us next he has to go in time out! Distraction and prevention are you friend

Smacking is never acceptable IMO, not even a "soft tap that doesn't even hurt", that I hear too many people say is acceptable cos it's not really smacking

babybarrister · 07/11/2009 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whooshspicemonster · 07/11/2009 21:52

I am very heartened by this thread. Good luck meltedchocolate. You are going to have to develop huge reserves of patience now because he is going to be more demanding over the next year or so (if my DS is anything to go by). I haven't read the whole thread so not sure if anyone has already suggested this but there is a book that gets recommended on here a lot - How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. Obviously, it is aimed at parents of verbal children rather than pre-verbal but I think a lot of the lessons about communication are hugely relevant, whatever your child's age.

kat2907 - my DS was not a particularly early talker. At 2 and a half he talks non stop! Don't worry - they all do it in their own time

AitchTwoToTangOh · 07/11/2009 21:54

i really wouldn't be guided by what supernanny does, tbh, she's intervening at a crisis point in order to entertain channel four viewers. plus, she can't pronounce unacceptable.

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 21:56

Kat totally varies doesn't it. Don't worry. It isnt like he knows exactly what they all mean. He only knows what three of them actually are. (even them it may be good timing ) the others are just copying.

pacific Very helpful, Thankyou

OP posts:
Iggipepperedfillet · 07/11/2009 21:58

How does she say it, Aitch?

AitchTwoToTangOh · 07/11/2009 21:59

unnasseptable.

nappyaddict · 07/11/2009 22:00

Also young children don't really get the words no and don't. If you say "don't climb on the table" they hear "climb on the table." If you once used no to stop them from touching the TV and then later use no to stop them from hitting the cat they will be thinking "huh what TV? Where's the TV?" Or they will be thinking no .... what? You haven't told me what it is I'm not supposed to be doing and so it won't stop them from doing it. It is much better to tell them what you want them to do. So rather than don't climb on the table, get off the table. Rather than don't touch the tv, come away from the TV. Instead of saying no when they throw their plate on the floor, say plates stay on the table etc etc

GruffaloMama · 07/11/2009 22:01

Hi Melted... I have a DS of a similar age. The Baby Whisperer lady does a toddler version that I've been finding really helpful. I had no idea about how to address any behaviour I didn't want to see. Of course I'd heard about no and distraction but I needed some actual tips about what to do and when and how to avoid problems in the first place. (BTW I don't think everything she says is genius but it has been helpful to me.)

starkadder · 07/11/2009 22:01

I actually think that it is important to make it very clear, from an early age, what's allowed and what's not allowed.

I remember worrying about our TV/computer and all the wires and what have you when DS was learning to crawl. A friend said that she'd just told her daughter not to touch the electronic equipment in her house. Sounds simple - and actually - it really was - I have always said no firmly (but not shouting or even in a strict/angry voice) and then, if DS looks worried or upset, or on the verge of throwing a tantrum, I sit him down and explain to him why he's not allowed to touch the cupboard/wire/socket/whatever.

He is now 19 mths and really understands what he is and isn't allowed to do, and why. He is no angel and he'll still occasionally start pulling stuff out of cupboards (I still keep anything dangerous out of reach) but when i ask him to stop, he knows it's fair enough and he generally does. It really helps. I don't think just distracting (picking him up and plonking him down somewhere else) would have been as good.

It is easy for me to do this "calm explaining" routine as I only have one DS and he is very PFB and also is a real listener - concentrates very hard on that kind of thing. But I do think, quite strongly, that even little babies deserve to have things explained to them - whether we think they understand or not.

MadameDefarge · 07/11/2009 22:02

aitch, to be fair to supernanny, she never advocates physical violence in any form against children.

I have on a couple of occasions smacked my ds, but it was totally a loss of control on my part, for which I am heartily ashamed. It wasn't about disciplining him, it was about me just losing it.

Thankfully it was only a few times, and I have not laid a finger on him in over six years (he is now 9). But I do remember being in that place on those couple of occasions.

I don't think the OP has been in that place, she was just trying out methods that had been used in her family. So that is great that she now realises its not the way forward. And very brave to come and ask on MN for advice.

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 22:04

Aitch my mum always goes on about that We have teased on a few occassions.

Thank you nappy baby and whoosh I may well look up that book.

OP posts:
starkadder · 07/11/2009 22:05

PS totally agree with nappyaddict and others on here too - that positive suggestions work very well. But I still also use the word "No". So, e.g. (in kitchen) "No - I don't want you touching that cupboard because the things in it might fall out, and might hurt you. Why don't you go and take the things out of your little cupboard over there and then put them back in again?" (we have a shelf on one cupboard full of plastic tupperware etc that he's allowed to play with; he understands it's his shelf).

AitchTwoToTangOh · 07/11/2009 22:06

imo the naughty step is pretty grim, though, and i find it nearly as bad to see parents on that show launching their kids at a designated punishment area as i would giving them a smack. it's all violence, iykwim?

EyeballsintheSky · 07/11/2009 22:07

Unasseptible

I know the look you mean OP. My dd can 'look' for England and is no stranger to running behind a door to do the thing you don't want her to do. She started at about the same age and is 21 months now so get used to it unfortunately. Good luck. I hope you've had some decent advice on here. I have none to give, I need it all for mine

cheesesarnie · 07/11/2009 22:07

what is he doing that you feel is 'naughty'?

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 22:10

OK i am getting behind. Thank you so much for all the replies. I am feeling confident that we can do this. I felt horrible for slapping him. I want him to have a parent that he can come to and chat and have a cuddle, not one that he is afriad will go nuts for what he has done wrong (not that he has done anything 'wrong' as such yet)

OP posts:
AitchTwoToTangOh · 07/11/2009 22:11

och, i'm sure he does, really. don't worry too much, just make your house safe and chill out about stuff getting strewn about.

JjandtheBean · 07/11/2009 22:12

dd is 1 in a week, she has no idea she is naughty, she just revels in attention, any attention!

If she is 'naughty' i say no and if she does it again, NO and moved away, if its biting i say no firmly and place her on my lap a while, just to distract her from what she was doing!

I would NEVER ever 'tap' my BABY!

dreamylady · 07/11/2009 22:13

meltedchocolate you have been so chilled out and non-defensive in response to some really harsh posts, it sounds like you have a great personality for parenting!! You just need to learn some skills, which we all do, and are open minded enough to take advice on board.

I am reading this at the moment:

science of parenting

I got it from the library after seeing another MNer recommend it - I plan to buy it asap, it is fantastic! For understanding brain development, and so being able to BE more understanding and patient. That thing an earlier poster said about impulses and lack of control is covered in there, along with LOADS of other good stuff. My regret is that DD is 4 now and I wish I'd had it sooner. Be prepared for possible guilt pangs but remind yourself its better to be informed and feel a bit guilty now than to stick your head in the sand! I think you already know that though from the look of this thread

MadameDefarge · 07/11/2009 22:13

Yes, aitch, there is that. I can't say I am always comfortable with those tactics. because, yes, there is some form of violence in that.

nappyaddict · 07/11/2009 22:15

starkadder you must have a very bright and understanding little boy. My DS at 3.4 would struggle to understand and absorb all that information let alone at 19 months!

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 22:15

answered this cheese. All i mean is when he does soething i have said no to, not that him wanting to do it was naughty because that is obvious curiosity but i hadnt realised he didnt understand my 'no'.

OP posts:
Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 22:20

:D i am getting lost in this thread now.

dreamy will have a look. thank you

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 07/11/2009 22:21

With young children you really do have to treat them like puppies

They aren't mature enough to decipher really long sentences of waffle. The shorter and more to the point the better. Also try and always use their name because it will get their attention better.

Typical things I say will be "T hands" "T wait" "T stand" "T coat" "T shoes" "T bag" "T pushchair" "T car" "T door" "T chair" "T floor" "T table" "T lunch" "T drink" "T nappy" "T bathroom" "T bed" "T clothes" "T teeth" "T hair" "T face" .... hmmm I think you get the point