to discipline my 13 month old?

[meltedchocolate]

He is my first DC.

He undertands when i am asking him not to do something (I say 'no' firmly) and knows fine well when he is being naughty. (He waits for me not to look and then runs over to whatever it is) If I have said no on several occassions and he still isnt listening i gentely slap the back of his hand (not that this seems to bother him in the slightest ) I also do the no and maybe slap hand bit when he throws one of his (unbelievable and reletively common) temper tantrums.

Sometimes I feel like I am being too harsh on him and sometimes i deffinately feel my mother thinks i am too harsh on him but he has such a temper (no idea where he could have got it from ) and he does know he is being naughty.

AIBU to discipline him like this? I hope I am not doing too much but I dont really know how to discipline him at the age he is at when he cant talk yet. How do you all discipline a child of this age?

My DD is 14mo and fond of throwing a tantrum if I don't do what she wants me to do (e.g. she will scream at me to give her my breakfast even when we are eating the same thing).

I generally tend to distract her, remind her she has her own breakfast or just ignore her and within 30 seconds she will give up and get on with eating her own breakfast.

She is also fond of climbing on the coffee table - I try to ignore her when she does it (but keep an eye on her so she can't get hurt) and then give her loads of praise and attention when she gets off.

Your DS is probably just trying to get your attention, I can't imagine smacking DD, however lightly tbh.

meltedchocolate hope it goes well and don't be put off asking for advise again as their will always be people willing to help.
Maybe next time not AIBU, scary territory
Good Luck and all the best.

YABVU in trying to 'discipline' your baby. You are being more than unreasonable in thinking a smack on a baby's hand is in anyway constructive.

ah well glad you've got that message anyway.

Tantrums involve throwing head (and body) backwards, kicking, screaming, throwing things and always chucking head down onto floor. When he is having one of these tantrums i just sit and restrain him and tell him 'no'. What else can i do he would hurt himself otherwise. His lesser tantrums are the ones i might 'slap'.

pyro i will ignore your posts. You make me out as some monster and i dont need that. I love my boy and try to do best by him. I just don't know how to discipline. I was brought up with smacking and always told this was the way to discipline. I am trying to learn.

Distract him - when possible. Ignore the tantrums - as much as you can. Ds2 (huge temper) had a phase of hair pulling which was very, very painful - for that I used to 'punish' him by saying NO very firmly then putting him down and ignoring him for a minute or so, would quite literally turn my back sometimes. He hated that and it quite often precipitated a tantrum but I felt I had to do more than distract him cause it really hurt.

Something I read that helped me cope with this phase was that children of this age have no impulse control, even though they can understand 'no'. So they move towards something they want to touch, you say 'no' they register that then look at it again and this huge mental surge of 'I really want to touch that (or whatever) just overwhelms them and they go ahead anyway. Because the ability to start to control those impulses comes several months after understanding simple language they appear naughty but really they can't help themselves.

I did also slap ds2's hand a couple of times, so you are not alone there. But, like you, I could never bring myself to do it hard enough to actually hurt him so it had no effect whatsoever, I don't think he even registered it. And obviously I wasn't going to hit him harder. Interestingly I never once even had the urge to slap ds1 and would have been as shocked as many of the above if someone had suggested it. But ds2 is just sooo much more challenging we are having to rewrite the parenting manual at our house to cope.

Interestingly I did a course which involved some neurolinguistic programming recently.

The teacher said that the brain doesn't really process 'no' sentences. So that if you say to someone (adults included) "don't make a mess of the table", all they hear is "mess, table".

She said that it is much better to phrase instruction positively. So: "the table is nice and tidy, let's keep it that way".

Have no idea if any of that is true and DD is too young I think at the moment for this approach, but I'm going to try to bear it in mind when setting out my expectations to her.

many parents have children with very challenging behaviour. Knowing smacking is unacceptable doesn't mean you're just lucky enough to have docile children.

wb He clearly understands 'no' because he stops and waits for me to turn around before shooting off again but i never thought that maybe he hadn't learned the control to stop himself before. Thank you.

X posts Ghoul

meltdchocolate the point you seem to be missing, as proved by your post that says

"pyro i will ignore your posts. You make me out as some monster and i dont need that. I love my boy and try to do best by him. I just don't know how to discipline. I was brought up with smacking and always told this was the way to discipline. I am trying to learn."

is that you cannot discipline a 13 month old child. They do not understand.

There is no disciplining he is too young to understand what he has done wrong. And he hasn't actually done anything wrong, he's just exploring his world.

And of course he will grow out of it.

He doesnt understand full well that he is being naughty. He is just too young.

He may look as though he does because you are interpreting the way he looks at you as cheekiness or defiance etc. He is simply not developed enough to be doing this.

Stop smacking him. We all know it doesnt work. Even those who are not anti smacking know that its pointless in a baby.

Lots of posters have talked about distraction which is great advice. Removal is also good and prevention is probably the best tactic with a child this age.

e.g. if a child wont leave an ornament alone, remove it. Dont keep telling the child off for touching it.

Not always possible but there is often some way of making life easier for all involved.

My DS3 is in to everything. We took the handles off the table the tv is on. He can no longer get at the remote or trouble any of the contents.

Its not too early to begin to set boundaries IMO but its only the start. These things take a long time and your child's development has to be at the right level before he can fully 'get it'.

Think of it like this - you may want to potty train a child at 6 months and you can sit them on a potty for hours at a time but because they are not physcially mature enough, its not going to work. They are not being naughty if they wet their pants.

You were bound to get flamed for this, particularly on MN where a lot of people don't agree with giving children any boundaries at all.

I believe in giving boundaries and if you were smacked as a child, then that's what you know how to do so you're doing what's natural to you. You're concerned about how you're parenting your child and you're asking for help. That's great. I hope you haven't gotten too upset upon reading the previous posts.

I get hold of my DS and restrain him if he's throwing a paddy. Sort of like a cuddle but with him facing out- he calms down and then cuddles in. Otherwise I just ignore him and leave him to scream it out- he's learnt that he won't get anywhere with the tantrums. He's 19 months now.

A lot of people actually smack their children, at least a hand slap, I remember seeing my uncle wallop his DS, my cousin a few years ago. I don't think hand slapping is particularly good, though I wouldn't say it was abuse or anything, you're a first time mum learning along the way. However, I'd disagree with leg slaps/bum slaps etc. Or frequent hand smacks. Some people smack their own hand to shock the child into stopping IYSWIM. No idea whether that works. I think it's of the same ilk.

We did put DS in the corner for naughty things for a while so that he'd learn that if he did that he got pulled away and put in the corner- however, we wouldn't make him stay there.

what do you mean by 'naughty'? can you give some examples?
I also think 13 mo is too young for 'naughtiness' and 'discipline' as such so if distraction doesn't work, say no and shake your head, remove him from the situation - to another room - and if he is having a tantrum just hold him until he calms down, or if he is flailing (sp.?) put him in his cot until he stops.

Yes i get that now Tee. I have decided to do the ditraction thing. I knew i was going wrong so came on here to get advice. I didn't understand I couldn't discipline him as he seemed to understand but now I know that he wasn't really understanding and that there is nothing i can do apart from distract him. Now things make a bit more sense.

Thank you all for replying. Rest assured I will stop the slapping. I really am not trying to be a bad mum. Now I know the way to go. (and am relieved to say the least)

Aww melted being a first time mum is hard work, I'm in the same boat. You sound like a good mum trying to do the best for your DS.

Good luck.

Thanks Totally. And no i am not too upset. I knew i would get flamed but needed to ask. I have been on here since he has been born. I just name changed recently so i know the drill.

edd by being naughty i just meant carrying on whatever when i have said no. Not that him wanting to do it in the first place was naughty. i knew this was a just curiosity but didn't realise he wasn't actually understanding my 'no's.

Sorry but
By TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied Sat 07-Nov-09 19:59:44
I believe in giving boundaries and if you were smacked as a child, then that's what you know how to do so you're doing what's natural to you.

is bullshit.

I was smacked as a child and however tempted at either DD's wilfulness couldn't think of anything I would rather not do.

Agree with totallyandutterlypaninied.

By waiting until you've turned away before he makes his mad dash, im guessing he see's it as a game.
They will grow out of it 'eventually', you do need to have a relaxed attitude, ie don't sweat the small stuff at this age, just keep him away from the obvious electrical sockets etc.

Its not easy and your just doing your best, sorry your being flamed for asking for advice.

Oh, and I give my children boundaries, just because I don't smack does not mean that I let them run wild ffs.

I don't get it - you won't use his cot as a punishment because you don't want him to associate bed with punishment but you have no problem with him associating your hands with punishment???? Hands which are supposed to guide him, give him affection and make things better.

How do you plan to teach him hitting is wrong?

This is just BAD parenting.

Positive discipline is what I do at home and at work (teacher). I never tell the kids at school 'don't run' - i'd say 'walk'. telling them what you want them to do as opposed to what you don't. As someone has previously mentioned kids will hear a negative and think that's what you want- so if I say 'don't run' what they hear is 'run'

Regarding the temper tantrums I find with my 2 year old that I just make sure she can't hurt herself and then I walk away. It worked with my 5 yo- she rarely had tantrums.

Reward positive behaviour with plenty of attention to prevent the negative

If your child is tantumming then he is very frustrated by what's going on.
At 13 months, he can't communicate very well, he DOESN'T completely understand you, except that you are taking away something that has peaked his interest and are then causing him pain for being curious (whether you think it bothers him or not is beside the point).
I don't discipling my 18 month old, because she is still learning to talk and only understands a handful of directions.
My nearly two year old though is a different story. She is very smart, and understands very well when given instructions or told no. If she disobeys, then there is a consequence, usually put into the corner, which she hates.
Chill out about your child! Enjoy his babyhood, he is growing up so fast!
If you make sure his environment is safe and keep him from harm, then there is no reason why you can't BOTH explore the world together!

Jack It never bothered me that i was smacked. It worked anyway but it is not what i want to do with my children. I just wasn't sure what to do at this age (apparently nothing - which makes more sense) and intend to do the naughy spot and removal of toys/ free time when he gets older.

Slapping is not something i have done LOADS. I normally try with the 'no's. I have felt terrible everytime i have done it though so it is a relief to be told i shouldn't be doing it anyway.

lila i would be more bothered if i hadnt got a bit hot headed with OPs in the past and done a bit of flaming myself I understand others reactions. Thanks for your advice.

Apologies, that meant to say "my nearly three year old"