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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to discipline my 13 month old?

165 replies

meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 19:01

He is my first DC.

He undertands when i am asking him not to do something (I say 'no' firmly) and knows fine well when he is being naughty. (He waits for me not to look and then runs over to whatever it is) If I have said no on several occassions and he still isnt listening i gentely slap the back of his hand (not that this seems to bother him in the slightest ) I also do the no and maybe slap hand bit when he throws one of his (unbelievable and reletively common) temper tantrums.

Sometimes I feel like I am being too harsh on him and sometimes i deffinately feel my mother thinks i am too harsh on him but he has such a temper (no idea where he could have got it from ) and he does know he is being naughty.

AIBU to discipline him like this? I hope I am not doing too much but I dont really know how to discipline him at the age he is at when he cant talk yet. How do you all discipline a child of this age?

OP posts:
Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 20:26

molly tbh i never thought of it like that.

2shoots and kadiya thank you for your advice.

OP posts:
Iggipepperedfillet · 07/11/2009 20:32

My mum does a pretend hand-smack (ie she taps her own hand) when telling DS (who she rarely sees due to distance) not to do something. It is pointless as he has no experience of having his hand hit so doesn't know what she means! Let's me know it must be what she did with me..
I saw a video once that suggested think of your toddler (and at 13 months you're barely a toddler even) as little neanderthals. All emotion and desire and no reasoning skills. Good luck, and don't worry about the past just decide what you'll do in the future.

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 20:37

Thankyou iggi

We are having a new start as a family anyway so this is something else we can start fresh. It is just me and him and i want him to feel safe and comfortable with and close to me. I feel more confident now. All replys have been very helpful.

OP posts:
Ripeberry · 07/11/2009 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

busybutterfly · 07/11/2009 20:45

YANBU. My DD (17 months) is the same.

Hulababy · 07/11/2009 20:50

YABU. Totally unreasonable infact.

He is 13 months old. He is a baby.

A baby is incapable of being naughty. He will have no knowledge or understanding of right and wrong, no concept of consequences, no understanding of why you are hurting him or telling him off, etc. ALL research points to this - even for a "clever" or "advanced" baby.

Please do not hit your baby. It serves no purpose and is certainly of now benefit to him. He, and you, gain nothing from physically hurting him. All that wll happen is that you will teach him that to get your own way, you hit. Or that mummies hit you if they don't like what you are doing.

You simple need to tell him no, move him and distract him. And yes, he will repeat the exact same thing over and over again - that is what babies do, it is how they eventually learn. You have to repeat your part of the exercise repeatedly too.

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 20:52

Thank you busy but after reading other posts i think i have been unreasonable. He IS too young to be getting a slap. He is my baby. I should never have slapped him. Thank you for understanding though.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/11/2009 20:52

Nothing wrong with saying 'no' firmly if he is touching something he shouldn't be. My DS is 14mo and 'understands' no, he carries on a couple of times but then stops. I don't feel bad about that - I want him to understand if I say no, and I don't feel it's too early to start, We don't shout at him though, and certainly don't slap him, even softly. He wouldn't understand.

Hulababy · 07/11/2009 20:53

meltedchocolate - glad you have already made the decision to try alternative rouutes. Good luck and do enjoy your baby!

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 20:54

Yes Hula so I have learned from everyone else. Thank you for your reply though. You have echoed everyone else response and it has all been taken on board.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 07/11/2009 20:56

Should have read whole thread rather than just OP

Seriously though - enjoy this time with your baby, have lots of fun and just laugh with him lots. In far too short a time he'll be all grown up!

wolfear · 07/11/2009 20:59

You shouldn't smack him. He's just a baby and you're just teaching him that smacking is okay.

"He waits for me not to look and then runs over to whatever it is)"

My DS used to do this all the time from a very young age, but he was just trying it on and after attention. Unless he's in any danger, ignore what you deem bad behaviour. He's too little for reasoning and it's not worth the stress. Save that for when he's two!

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 21:01

Dont say that Hula i already feel like he has shot up too quickly

OP posts:
Hulababy · 07/11/2009 21:03

meltedchocolate - to be fair every stage s lovely in its own rights though. When he starts talking to you over the next few weeks and months, and the first time he says mummy properly will melt your heart, and make him growing up a bit all the more worthwhile

AitchTwoToTangOh · 07/11/2009 21:13

i remember reading somewhere that 'no' is very commonly among the first words that babies say, and that this reflects how often they are hearing it. i just find that utterly depressing, tbh.
i mean, what do they need to be told what not to do at that age, tbh? not to fondle the ornaments? move the bloomin' ornaments. make your house SAFE for your child to live in and then stop telling him he can't enjoy it. save 'NO' for when he's playing with matches.

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 21:24

Luckly that isnt a word he has yet. He has 7 already - all much nicer. This isn't something that is constantly happening. Normally we are happily playing with something and he yibbers away and i chat to him. We have such a lovely time together. Apart from what has been mentioned when i have clearly been very unfair on my poor wee soul. Thank you.

OP posts:
AitchTwoToTangOh · 07/11/2009 21:27

good, then quit saying it altogether and keep it at bay for as long as possible. all they hear is aggression in any case.

Iggipepperedfillet · 07/11/2009 21:33

He didn't come with a rulebook, how are you supposed to know what to do except by asking others or watching/remembering other parenting styles? Don't be too hard on yourself. Don't lose patience when you try the distraction-type stuff, it has to be done over (and over!) before they get the idea of what you want. And the more het up you seem, the more they'll go for that behaviour! I find this applies to teenagers as well as toddlers, unfortunately!

perfectstorm · 07/11/2009 21:38

OP, babies have tantrums and do dangerous stuff because they aren't able to rationalise things. This is frustrating, for you and them. But smacking them isn't the answer - you can't even explain what the problem is, so all they know is their mother is hurting them. It's exhausting, though, isn't it? Sometimes I feel like I spend half my days removing ds from danger or damage, and the other half distracting him from returning there.

Always amuses me to hear people trotting out pro-hitting arguments. I feel like showing them the self-same arguments used a few hundred years ago, in defence of a man's right to discipline his wife. The law was quite specific actually - an implement was legal as long as it wasn't thicker than the bloke's thumb. Sauce for the mother goose being sauce for the gosling, I think physical violence as a way of punishing someone weaker for not doing what you want is always and absolutely wrong. If you can't teach them any other way, then perhaps parenting classes might be called for.

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 07/11/2009 21:39

JackBauer- Calm yourself down. 'Bullshit' is uncalled for and you took that line completely out of context. I can say what I want same as you can. Why have you got to be so horrible to someone asking for advice? You can't force your idea of parenting on other people. She will parent how she wants to, despite you judging her. She's asking for alternatives and has clearly been influenced by being smacked in the past, which is an important point to acknowledge. I said I don't smack and don't agree with it but I can see why she has and why she wants to change.

perfectstorm · 07/11/2009 21:41

(That last part wasn't aimed at you, OP! Not at all - I understand all too well what it's like to realise a parenting method isn't exactly an ideal one. It's just that I've come across ardent smacking-fans, and I never really can understand why some people are so vehement about their right to hit someone smaller and more vulnerable. They make no sense to me.)

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/11/2009 21:44

7 words? 7???????

My DS is nowhere near talking

When do they usually start saying actual words?

PacificGuywood · 07/11/2009 21:47

He has no concept of naughty at his age.
He is discovering his ability to be separate from you and that he is capable of not doing the things he is asked to do.
He is feeling out what limits there are.

Your job is to keep him safe, make him feel secure and love him. The better a job of this you do now, the less severe his teenage rebellion may be.

Smacking his hand will not help his behaviour.

Have a look at this.

HTH

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 21:48

perfect i know, my bro has become one such fan (he hasnt actually a child yet so could change his mind). He quotes something from the Bible as an argument (we are both Christians) but i think he is mis reading it or not putting it into context. We will see when he actually has a child if he is so keen then. I am not for smacking. For some reason i thought what i was doing wasnt the same (now having thought about it, it clearly is) and wont be doing it again. Supernanny shows us that there is no need for it.

OP posts:
JackBauer · 07/11/2009 21:50

I actually wasn't forcing my ideas onto anyone, I have said what I do and what I feel, nowhere have I 'forced' anything onto anyone. She has been very gracious on this thread and accepted advice from people.
That 'bullshit' post was to you saying that that sentence is not true. It is a sweeping generalisation to say such a thing, that's all. Apologies if it upset you.