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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to discipline my 13 month old?

165 replies

meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 19:01

He is my first DC.

He undertands when i am asking him not to do something (I say 'no' firmly) and knows fine well when he is being naughty. (He waits for me not to look and then runs over to whatever it is) If I have said no on several occassions and he still isnt listening i gentely slap the back of his hand (not that this seems to bother him in the slightest ) I also do the no and maybe slap hand bit when he throws one of his (unbelievable and reletively common) temper tantrums.

Sometimes I feel like I am being too harsh on him and sometimes i deffinately feel my mother thinks i am too harsh on him but he has such a temper (no idea where he could have got it from ) and he does know he is being naughty.

AIBU to discipline him like this? I hope I am not doing too much but I dont really know how to discipline him at the age he is at when he cant talk yet. How do you all discipline a child of this age?

OP posts:
starkadder · 07/11/2009 22:21

@nappyaddict I DO! He is a genius and perfect child of course! . NO, I am sure he doesn't understand everything, but he tries really hard and he wants to listen and have stuff explained to him.

I think all the advice on here is really good, what my post meant to say (but expressed badly) is that while distracting and removing child from situation, a bit of explaining is a good idea. and that "no" is not the devil's own word and can actually be quite useful.

@meltedchocolate - I think you sound lovely. Also great name, by the way. Am sure your DS loves you enormously and is not at all afraid you'll go nuts.

cheesesarnie · 07/11/2009 22:23

sorry missed that.i get told no and ignore it.i dont get smacked for it.as you now know he doesnt understand the word and distraction is key with babies that age.

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 22:23

Aitch i dont mind the naughty step if a child is placed there but dont (like you) like how the children are DRAGGED along the floor!

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 07/11/2009 22:29

now my pet hate is people that bite and pinch their children back. logical

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 22:29

nappy i use him name so much i am calling everyone by it

Thanks cheese and star i don't know how to take compliments so i will brush by it with a

OP posts:
AitchTwoToTangOh · 07/11/2009 22:31

yeah, it's pretty awful i think, and to show it as entertainment is just a bit upsetting. i fear for those children, having parents who think it's okay to put them on tv when they're absolutely out of control. so, yes, i have biiiig ethical issues with supernanny and her ilk. it's generally the parents who are fucking their kids up, and it's them who has to change imo. the kids are alright.

melted, i'm a big 'okay sweetheart i've asked you nicely so i'm going to count to three... oooooooooooooooooooone...................twooooooooooooooooooooooooo and then ninety nine times out of a hundred my dd1 sorts herself out and complies, but on the rare occasion that she doesn't, i whisk in and move her away from whatever it is that she's doing wrongly. and then it's OVER and we're chatting brightly about something else, i did what i said i was going to do (iykwim) but no point dwelling on it, let's move on etc.

but i don't do it with dd2 yet, she's the same age as your ds, she wouldn't have a scooby what i was on about. my parenting 'style' is very informed by thinking 'what's the worst that can happen here?' if electrocution is imminent then i intervene, but if they're just going to fall off the sofa then sod it, they were told and it'll discourage them from doing it again.

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 22:33

nappy People dont actually do that do they????

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 07/11/2009 22:35

oh plenty of people have suggest i do it to DS. It wouldn't work anyway. He sits there pinching himself so he must like it for some weird reason.

AitchTwoToTangOh · 07/11/2009 22:35

oh sure they do, there are plenty of idiots out there. but if you think about it, all violence towards kids, even a smack, is teaching them a distorted lesson.

and at this point i must say that Of Course i have smacked my dd1 (nearly four) on occasion, and Of Course it was when i had lost control rather than any sort of parenting strategy. (and tbh i don't feel that guilt-ridden about it as i'm only human).

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 22:38

Lol @ Aitch we used to get the 'one, two, three' Never let them finish saying two! That was a smack bum for us I think it has only just gone back to normal....

OP posts:
hanaflower · 07/11/2009 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts · 07/11/2009 22:41

Can I just come along and split hairs please?

I think we should be differentiating between discipline and punishment. A 13mo doesn't need punishment - but discipline means "to teach" so IMO a 13mo is learning discipline all the time - by watching the way you interact with other people and objects, by you talking to him about things (including what you/he is doing), routines like mealtimes and bedtime help them learn how a typical day goes in our society, by removing, distracting or ignoring behaviour. All or any of these are discipline and are helping him to learn what behaviour is and isn't acceptable - there really is no need for punishment just yet (if ever - look on the Parenting board for the current TCS/UP/etc thread if interested)

I find this helpful to remember because I sometimes get frustrated and worried that I am doing something wrong/not doing enough when my 13mo DS completely ignores what I say and I know he understands - the bit about impulse control was helpful to read too, so thanks to whoever posted that.

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 22:43

nappy i dont like that but i do like throwing a tantrum back (when they are teens and old enough to be embarrassed) Cant wait to do that to a teen DS in front of his friends Only kidding.... I would be too much of a wuss....

OP posts:
lindsaygii · 07/11/2009 22:46

I just watched that Horizon with the experiment about children looking in a mirror and identifying that a spot on their face is actually on their own face. It tells the researchers at what age we gain a concept that we are ourselves, separate from everything else.

At 16 months they have no idea. It takes till about 22 months.

I'm telling this for a reason. If a child of 13 months doesn't even know that it is itself, then it's really not going to get the idea that itself did a wrong thing.

Is it?

Go with removal and distraction. Your child will be grown up for years and years and years. But right now he's still a baby with no concept of anything much at all, no matter how much his behaviour makes you think he does.

starkadder · 07/11/2009 22:47

Re: pinching - people DO do it. Shocking. I'm one of 5 and we were..ahem...fairly badly behaved.

My mum told me she was once at a dinner party talking to the woman sitting next to her about how badly behaved we all were (as one does), and this woman recommended to her that she PINCH us UNDER THE TABLE if we were acting up at dinner..! That way, no-one would know she was doing it, and also the marks wouldn't show through our clothes.

This was about 20 years ago to be fair, but still - my mum was gobsmacked - didn't know what to say at all - she told me about this when I was in my early teens so the fact that I even remember it shows how shocked she still was, IYSWIM. And my mum was quite strict, and did smack us from time to time...but PINCHING! Unbelievable. The poor children of that horrible woman.

mrsboogie · 07/11/2009 22:59

I have a 13 month old also and I think there may just be a teeny weeny little part of him that knows, if not that he is being naughty, at least that the button he wants to press on the dvd player is not allowed. He shows this in his devilish grins and his attempts to sidle up to the thing when no-one is looking.

I was hit as a child, as were my siblings. My mother had quite the temper. I have very vivid memories of being hit and of them being hit and I remember how it made me feel about her and for those reasons alone I would never ever lay a finger on a child.

However you can instil discipline in a child by saying no like you bloody mean it. My DS gets told no quite loudly and firmly and more often than not he will stop what he is doing, shake his head and move away from the thing in question.

sometimes it scares the crap out of DP as well....

nappyaddict · 07/11/2009 23:00

Bertie If you mean on the UP thread I posted about impulse control.

BertieBotts · 07/11/2009 23:03

nappy I think I replied - was it recently? I am rubbish at remembering names, sorry.

AitchTwoToTangOh · 07/11/2009 23:07

i remember being out with a mum and her two kids and some others when dd1 was really young, and all the kids were larking about and having a great time. i saw the mum shout to her daughter, who was probably about six at the time, and when she looked the mum put her hand over her heart and smiled at her. the wee girl, some distance away, did the same back.

i asked the wee girl what had occurred and she said 'oh that's what my mum does when she can see that i'm behaving really well' and beamed.

SUCH a GREAT idea. it clearly meant the world to the wee girl to be recognised for her good behaviour when her boisterous wee brother was otherwise taking a lot of her mum's attention, and of course it encouraged her to keep it up,

i was absolutely charmed and resolved to do the same, isn't it the cutest (and cleverest) idea?

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 23:11

mrsboogie I know that very face at the DVD player. I do say no, he looks while moving away slghtly, he waits til i stop staring at him, he moves a bit closer, a bit closer.... You get the gist

Funny, smacking never upset me, it just hurt. I have NEVER thought anything of the fact that i was smacked, but i deffo dont wanna do that to DS.

Thanks everyone. I must go to bed. Cant wait to wake up with DS tomorrow to a fresh start.

OP posts:
Original poster
meltedchocolate · 07/11/2009 23:15

Aitch I love that. See now that is the kind of relationship i want with my child.

Now my heart has melted as well as my chocolate i must go to bed....

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 07/11/2009 23:17

Bertie It was yesterday

AitchTwoToTangOh · 07/11/2009 23:35

move the dvd player, seriously. seriously seriously.

mrsboogie · 07/11/2009 23:47

you could move the dvd player, or you could use it to teach the wee bugger the meaning of the word no.

AitchTwoToTangOh · 07/11/2009 23:53

just move the sodding dvd player. i know you've put a in there but he's not a wee bugger, he's a perfectly normal baby interacting with his environment.

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