am posting something that made me decide against minge mowing of any kind lol
though it goes down well at college whilst learning to wax!
One Woman's Tale of Woe
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out
of the medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those
"cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips
together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press
them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No
muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?
I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to
figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its
two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them
together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it
to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it
wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am
She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin
extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on
the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using
the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my
bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to
the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply
and brace
myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from
pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only
managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and
RRIIPP!!
Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay
conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to
normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to
revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I
ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The
hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!!
I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed
shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to
do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My
head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water
melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get
in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can
gently wipe it off, right??? > WRONG!!!!!!! I
get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only
thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having
them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now
I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself
to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months
ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking
surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are
glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She
doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her
laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
"Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by
now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call
the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While
we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a
razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in
hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working,
dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still
talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they
give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this
point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the
kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I
really don't
care. " It works!! IT WORKS!! " I get a hearty
congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove
the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE
HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly
shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have
amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color......