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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a Honeymoon with no children?

167 replies

Fruitbatlings · 17/10/2009 11:26

We got married in September and are planning to go away at the end of Feb/beginning March.

We have two children. DS1 is 4yrs and DS2 is 7 months.

I am a Childminder, obviously working from home

DH works all day everyday in central London.

DH wants to bring the children with us
I don't

My argument is, much as I love spending time with our children (and the mindees) I am with our children 24/7.
My dream of a honeymoon is somewhere hot and tropical with no sounds of children, just me and DH for a whole week - peace and quiet!
I really feel like I am due a well deserved break.

DH's argument is, he never really gets to spend time with the children except on weekends.
He is suggesting somewhere like Turkey with a kids club

I've suggested we take 10 days off, go somewhere for a week with no children then take them to Disneyland Paris for 3 days.

He wants to take them to the beach.

I'm going to show this to DH, so how would you feel, if you were either of us? and what would you do?

OP posts:
itsmeolord · 17/10/2009 11:29

I think your husbands idea of turkey or similar with kids club is fair.

You can have time out to lie around the pool shag and have long child free lunches.
Your husband gets to spend quality time with you and the children.

belgo · 17/10/2009 11:30

Who would look after the kids when you are on holiday?

My take on it, is you have two small children, and your dh wants to take them on holiday with you, then I think you should go as a family.

VerityBrulee · 17/10/2009 11:32

Find a lovely resort with a spa and a good kids club, then you can both get what you want.

slushy06 · 17/10/2009 11:33

Why don't you try doing a week on holiday with them then a little weekend break for you and dp maybe at a spa or something surely after having kids 3 days of bonking will get quite boring and tiring

izzybiz · 17/10/2009 11:35

I'm with the OP on this one,take the kids somewhere for a family hol, do all the fun family stuff there.
A honeymoon should be just that, you and your DH spending time alone together.

If you can have the best of both worlds, then why not??

Will add, Dh and I haven't got round to having our Honeymoon yet, we had another baby!
When we do go, we want to go to Vegas, will not be taking the children with us!

ADragonIs4LifeNotJustHalloween · 17/10/2009 11:40

You should have got married before having children then.

[arf]

belgo · 17/10/2009 11:40

But what about her husband to be? I would hate to be away from my children for a whole week. I would feel like I had lost an arm. Maybe her husband to be feel this way about his children. I think it's incredibly selfish to force him to be away from his children when he wants to be with them.

And please don't talk about having a 'well deserved break'. Plenty of people deserve a holiday, and plenty of people don't get one, with or without their children.

TrillianSlasher · 17/10/2009 11:42

YANBU to want a honeymoon with no children. BUt your DH isNBU to want to have a holiday with his children.

I assume you don't have money/time enough for two long holidays, so slushy's suggestion of two shorter breaks seems the best option.

TrinityHasAVampireRhino · 17/10/2009 11:44

yes 'well deserved break' will bloody annoy me

I didn't get a honeymoon

I dont get a break

take the kids, have somewhere with a family club

and how could you bear to be away from your 7 month old for more than a night anyway?

diddl · 17/10/2009 11:52

TBH, I think it´s lovely that your husband to be wants the children with.

TrillianSlasher · 17/10/2009 11:53

Are we now questioning people's fitness as mothers because they are happy to spend time away from their children? A bit harsh, I think.

belgo · 17/10/2009 11:59

Trillian - I think it is hard for some of us to understand how a mother can spend that long away from her children.

What is particularly annoying me is this assumption that the OP deserves everything her own way. She wants to have children, she wants to get married, and she wants the honeymoon without her children, stuff what her husband feels about it, stuff what he wants.

jemart · 17/10/2009 12:04

Yabu - for child free honeymoon you should of got married before having children.
Bit mean to make them miss out on nice holiday. And your DH wants them to come too. And what Trinity said, I couldn't bear to be apart from my 7 month old!

pjmama · 17/10/2009 12:05

If you want totally opposite things, then unless one of you gives in and consequently has a crappy time then the only answer is a compromise i.e. two short breaks, one with and one without.

I personally wouldn't be happy at being away from such a young baby for more than a couple of nights anyway, but that's just me.

LilianGish · 17/10/2009 12:07

I would take the kids and use a kids club (which I usually wouldn't want to do, but for honeymoon would be ok!). I think that is a good compromise. I don't think you can have the same sort of honeymoon when you've got children as you would have had if you'd got married before having them. This isn't a judgement on you, I just think you can't pretend you haven't got them for the sake of a honeymoon cliche (well I couldn't anyway). It's a a vote for DH.

piscesmoon · 17/10/2009 12:09

When I got married for the second time I already had a DC. We went on honeymoon on our own. DC was at school and his grandparents came to stay in the house and he carried on as normal-except for getting spoiled rotten which he loved! We only went for a few days.He was perfectly happy about it-we said that a honeymoon was a special holiday for the married couple.
I think that you should go alone-you are not just a mum. I would compromise-not go away long distance but have a lovely hotel and a few days, even just a long weekend, and then go somewhere with the DCs.
Doing both would be a very fair compromise for all IMO.

LoveMyGirls · 17/10/2009 12:10

Well I'll probably get flamed but I'm with you OP, I'm also a childminder and as much as i enjoy being with my dd's and my mindees I got married in september too and we went to corfu for 2 weeks on our own, pil took dd's on holiday to greece so they still got a holiday (pil have done this for the past 2years anyway so dd's were used to it) the times they have been away before we have still worked with the odd day off to catch up on paperwork etc.

Our honeymoon was absolute bliss, we were exhausted from the run up to the wedding (I'd been working 11 hour days with up to 6 children, plus organising the wedding) it was the first time in our relationship we have ever spent 2 weeks on our own and we really needed it and will treasure the memories it created, yes we missed dd's (and my mindees) yes there were time when I cried BUT I tried to remember they were having a great time and this would be the last time in a long time we would get the opportunity to spend 2 weeks alone.

There were all sorts of things we did that we just could not have done with dd's with us like I wouldn't have dared to go topless on the beach but because it was just us I dared to and it was confidence boosting and liberating, I probably wouldn't have made as much effort with my apperance when we out in the evening because I would have spent longer sorting dd's out then having to rush to get myself ready and then we'd have come back to the hotel earlier because of getting dd's to bed. We wouldn't have gone on the scenic trips because dd's would have been bored, we wouldnt have sat, chatting and looking lovingly into each others eyes on the beach as the sun went down, the list of things goes on, it was an amazing time and imo what a honeymoon should be.

Dd1 is 10, dd2 is 4 and for the first time in 10years I put us first and I don't regret it.

BiteOfFun · 17/10/2009 12:10

I could have happily run away and never looked back spent a week away from my kids when they were seven months. I've also got a big calendar on the wall that I cross the days off until they leave home (ok, joking about that one), but to be fair to your husband, I think a couple of nights away in a romantic hotel for your shagging needs, and a short break with the kids to follow would be a good compromise.

piscesmoon · 17/10/2009 12:11

I don't like kids clubs-if you are going to take them on holiday at least spend the time with them! If you do both, you can have a nice holiday and not have to use a kids club.

FakePlasticTrees · 17/10/2009 12:17

Well, first of all, congratulations!

Post wedding (unless you've paid for a wedding coordinator) you'll really need to unwind. I don't think my DH realised how tiring that last week pre wedding would be - it is normally at this point that half your guests tell you about their food allergies/come down with flu/break up with their partners requiring new seating plans, that sort of thing... (or that could just be my annoying charming family ) so don't plan anything other than unwinding.

You should at least have a couple of nights away just the 2 of you immediately post wedding. You could do nice hotel in UK, or just at home and ask grandparents to take the kids for a couple of nights.

If he really doesn't want to be away from the DCs (which is quite lovely really), does the budget streatch to something not so family focussed? There are a lot of 5* beach hotels that aren't targeted at families but do offer childcare. (Save you spending your honeymoon on a 'family' holiday - which often do have the feel of Butlins with sunshine)

dollyparting · 17/10/2009 12:17

We solved it by waiting till the dcs were grown up before we got married. They would be "grossed out" by the concept of being anywhere near us during our honeymoon.

OrangeFish · 17/10/2009 12:20

Well... it seems to me that he has not obviously grasped the idea of what a honeymoon is, however, I understand that its meaning may be obscured by the fact that you have already been a family for a while and the concept of a honeymoon ( a special time for the couple to get to know each other better without much disruption) doesn't seem very practical.

However, I'm with you. I think is perfectly reasonable for you to want some time on your own and to take the children somewhere after that. Otherwise is not a honey moon just a family holiday regardless of kids club or not.

Ah... and you are not a bad person for wanting sometime on your own with your husband. I could have cringed at the idea of leaving DS behind when going away, but now that he is older and seems to be perfectly capable to have a good time even when I'm not around, I realise how unfounded my concerns were, more so when he was younger, he would have hardly noticed...

Eve4Walle · 17/10/2009 12:34

Take the kids with you.

My DB and his wife had their kids before they got married and everyone else ended up having to look after their kids while they buggered off for 2 weeks and had a fab time. The kids were separated and passed round as no one person could look after them both for the whole 2 weeks and it was awful for them.

spookyrookie · 17/10/2009 12:37

Firstly although you get to spend loads of time with your children your DF doesn't.

Presumably he doesn't have that much holiday and good for him for wanting to spend it with his DCs.

I thought honeymoons were as OrangeFish says for getting to know each other and traditionally I believe to try to get pregnant, so if you had holidays pre DC then perhaps that would count as an honourary honeymoon.

I don't think you are unreasonable for wanting to celebrate your wedding with some time alone, but I honestly don't think that just because you are getting married this entitles you to a child free honeymoon.I think a 2-3 night break rather than a whole week would be a good compromise.

Boys2mam · 17/10/2009 12:44

Its not really a honeymoon though, is it as you'll have been married 6+months. I think its unfair to leave behind the DC as my DS1 would be devastated at not getting to come with us on any holiday we may get to have.

I can understand you wanting a break but the reality is with kids is that you have them and can't put them to one side (unlike your mindees) when you want a holiday.

Ad if their father wants to spend time with them then he should be able to.

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