to want a Honeymoon with no children?

[Fruitbatlings]

We got married in September and are planning to go away at the end of Feb/beginning March.

We have two children. DS1 is 4yrs and DS2 is 7 months.

I am a Childminder, obviously working from home

DH works all day everyday in central London.

DH wants to bring the children with us
I don't

My argument is, much as I love spending time with our children (and the mindees) I am with our children 24/7.
My dream of a honeymoon is somewhere hot and tropical with no sounds of children, just me and DH for a whole week - peace and quiet!
I really feel like I am due a well deserved break.

DH's argument is, he never really gets to spend time with the children except on weekends.
He is suggesting somewhere like Turkey with a kids club

I've suggested we take 10 days off, go somewhere for a week with no children then take them to Disneyland Paris for 3 days.

He wants to take them to the beach.

I'm going to show this to DH, so how would you feel, if you were either of us? and what would you do?

"I think it is hard for some of us to understand how a mother can spend that long away from her children."

Because some people can. It's not that unusual. It might be more unusual to admit it, because it's mu more socially acceptable to say 'oh I couldn't bear it'. 7 month old will be 12 months in Feb/March by the way, it's wrong to be saying that she'll be leaving a 7 month old.

Also the DCs will be going on holiday to stay with granny (or similar) they won't exactly be being left alone.

My parents got married when I was nearly 3 and my brother 6 months old and we stayed wih my gran while they went on honeymoon and we (so I'm told) were perfectly happy. I remember nothing of it, because I was 3 at the time.

Since the OP's DH doesn't want to go away for a week without the children there should be a compromise, but if he were happy to go then there would be no reason why they shouldn't, provided they have a safe place to leave the DCs.

i half agree with the OP - why shouldnt her and her DH have some time away to themselves - dont think she insinuated she would leave the children in the house alone!!! but think maybe a few days in a posh hotel then some time away with the kids would be better.

We got married when dc were 5, 3 and 1 - we all drove to PIL - dh and i went off for 3 nights to a spa hotel then came back to PIL and took the kids away to a hotel for a few nights. the kids were happy as pigs in mud at PIL and dh and i got both a holiday and a honeymoon out of the 2 weeks.

Think its perfectly reasonable of the OP to look forward to some time with her dh alone - didnt realise when you had kids you had to be with them every day for the rest of their lives!

YABU. Go somewhere with good quality childcare so you can have the best of both worlds.

Think about your kids reactions to your honeymoon pics in a few years time 'Why aren't we in the pics mummy?' - 'Oh I needed a break from you so I left you behind'

If u do go just don't do what my SIL did she left her 3 year old son to go on honeymoon to orlando florida I personally could only leave the kids if I was going on holiday somewhere they would not like. to be fair she has taken him since but not to the disney parks as she does not like so only to the orlando parks.

'I can understand you wanting a break but the reality is with kids is that you have them and can't put them to one side (unlike your mindees) when you want a holiday'

Of course you can, if you have loving family members! It is wonderful for DCs and grandparents to have time without you there! They both benefit. My DS doesn't look back on photos and think 'why wasn't I there?'. He knew that a honeymoon wasn't a family holiday-we didn't go anywhere he would have wanted to go and he had a fantastic time with his grandparents. Everyone was happy and we all had a holiday, together, afterwards.
I really can't understand why people take their DCs on holiday and straight away want to dump them in child care. I would have thought a holiday was not using childcare.
If you have 2 holidays you have the best of both worlds-if you take them on holiday with childcare you have the worst of both worlds.

YANBU to want a honeymoon break without children, but of course your dh is nbu either to want to spend time with them.

i can't believe how harsh some posters are being . maybe you wouln't like to leave your one year old child at home for week, but if another parent does it doesn't mean they love their children any less. christ, its hardly a crime is it? so easy to be judgemental in cyber space.

my parents went on honeymoon for two weeks without me when i was four. did i care? no. did i miss them? probably, but not so much that i remember the time at all now. do i ask them now, as sassybeat suggests 'why am i not in the pics mummy?'? er...no. it was a lovely time for the two of them and i'm delighted they took it. in fact they went on a holiday together the year after that again and no lasting emotional damage from that either.

my parents have spent a bloody long time looking after me and my siblings, sacrificing things every day. i'd hardly begrudge them a honeymoon for two weeks.

sassybeast whats wrong with replying 'because a honeymoon is just for the couple who got married, lets look at all the lovely holidays we enjoyed together'

there are threads on here about people who dont let their dcs go to their parents wedding, this isnt the same
yanbu op

Well we got married when ds1 was one and controversially he didn't come to the ceremony but did come to the big party!

However, we had one night in very lovely hotel alone and then he came to italy with us for a week.

Yes, I guess it was a holiday more than a 'honeymoon' but it also made me realise why people get married before they have children .

A week on a tropical beach would have been very appealing (god it still is) but its just not going to happen until they've left home.

So, have a couple of nights alone together and then just have a lovely family holiday.

A lovely compromise - and of course thats what marriage is about isn't it?

If your soon to be DH wants your children to be there, then I think you should go along with that decision. He must really miss them (and you) during the week when he is working, so denying him a lovely holiday with them seems a bit, well, mean tbh.

I reckon you should get married, spend a couple of nights by yourselves in a swanky hotel in the UK and then take the whole family away for a holiday. Make sure there are good childcare facilities - as well as a kids' club, for God's sake make sure there's a decent babysitting service! You want to be able to have a couple of romantic dinners together without the children.

Congratulations & good luck

Ooooh some judgey comments-I went away on honeymoon for a week sans enfant (4 year old boy) and had a gorgeous time. was only spain but so nice to have some time alone! Going to Thailand with DS for 3 weeks at the end of this year as our family honeymoon.

everyone deserves time out - Good Luck whatever you choose!

2 points - Firstly the OP is already married (the wedding was in September ) so am not totally convinced that a holiday 5 months after the wedding can be classed as a honeymoon

Secondly, it's great that those of you who were left behind /leave your kids behind suffered no emotional trauma from the experience. Unfortunately not all children are as emotionaly resilient and whilst being left behind whilst his parents went on holiday without him is not the cause of ALL of my Dhs emotional problems/dysfunctional parental relationships,it's certainly a significant contributory factor.

I'm totally with Trillian and the OP on this one!

I'm sure some people cannot imagine being away from their children for any length of time, but it doesn't mean that those of us who enjoy child free time are bad parents or love our kids any less. Posting things like "I don't understand how you can bear to leave your 7mth old for a week" is a bit rude actually!

My daughter is 5 and I have been away without her to various places accross Europe at least 5 or 6 times. The longest is a week, all the other times were long weekends away with friends or DP. She loves staying at her nannys house and the holidays I go on without her usually involves adult weddings, parties, nights out etc - not things she would want to do or be able to do anyway. We do have our family holidays too, where she gets to do all the things she loves and we come second on those, so she isn't denied a holiday!

I want to go on a Nile cruise next year, hopefully. Dd probably won't be coming as she would find it boring, people don't generally take their kids on them so no playmates, no child friendly activies etc. So she will stay with my mum for a week if we do go. I'm still young and there are so many things I want to do and places I want to see and being a good mummy doesn't have to mean I can't do these things. We will have a family holiday too, so she won't miss out! Dd doesn't need to be dragged along on all the boring bits.

I would definitely want a child free honeymoon, somewhere hot and exotic where I could relax and be totally worry and stress free for a week. If you have family who are happy to have your kids - then go for it! Everyone will benefit, including the kids. I feel it's good for them to be looked after by people other than their parents sometimes - definitely no long term emotionally scarring guilt when I do it.

However, OP I can see why your DH wants the kids there. He probably doesn;t get tp see them much working in London full time, so he wants his week off to be with the kids. Perhaps take them this year and plan a childfree weekend or a week next year?

YANBU - I think your suggestion of a week away, just the 2 of you, then a long weekend at Disneyland Paris is a great compromise.

Kids get bored on beach holidays. What good is a holiday club when you have a 7 month old baby ??!!

I think what people seem to be forgetting is that the OP is a childminder and full time mum. Her DF will be getting a week off work, so why shouldn't she ?!

A week is not a long time to be away from your kids. If they are being looked after by GP's, they'll be spolied rotten & won't have a chance to miss Mummy & Daddy.

*spoiled

I don't have a problem with parents going away from their children, as long as both parents are in a agreement, and the children will be happy being looked after by grandparents or whoever.

But I have a big problem with this case because the dh does not want to leave his children for a week, so why should he be forced to? They are his children, and he wants to be with them, and it's incredibly selfish to ignore his wishes.

Rindercella - Is any holiday of any good for a 7 month old ??
It will be nice for the 4 yo though and will mean that they all get to spend time together which is what the OP's DF wants.
TBH, I'd rather not take a 7 mo on holiday somewhere hot as they can get very uncomfortable with the heat.
We got married in Barbados & took our 7 mo with us, so trust me, I can totally see why the OP would rather they go on their own.

belgo - But it's not selfish for him to ignore the OP's wishes then ?

oh, and secondly i forgot to add that i'd actually prefer to leave my dd with a close family member for a few nights than to go away for the week and put her in a kids club with complete strangers, in another country. as i child i would have preferred that too.

sassybeast, i'm sorry to hear that your dh has emotional problems. you also mention a dysfunctional parental relationship. every child is different, of course, but we are hoping that the op knows her children pretty well and would not consider the trip if she thought her children were not resilient enough to cope alone. i think that goes without saying. that is why i have gone away without dd, knowing that she is fiercely independent and doesn't miss me much at all - and we still have an extremely loving, functional, close relationship. just as i consider my mother to be the best mother in the world , despite her holidays without me.

If they can't sort this out amicably, there's not a lot of point in them getting married.

Not really Chunky, I think that was my point.

Chunky - how could it possible be selfish of a father to want to take his small children on holiday to spend time with him?

Blimey I can't wait to get away from my kids !!

Of course I love them but having been with them 24/7 for the last 5 years it is nice to have a break sometimes

In the last 18 months I have had a 3 day break with DH in Amsterdam and a 5 day honeymoon in New York. My mum had them both times at her insistence and even paid for our honeymoon as a wedding present as she said it was important to have time away together as a couple and I strongly agree. We are going to Australia in January for 2 weeks for a friends wedding and I have no guilt whatsoever. They will be staying in our house with my mum who they adore with the same routines and we will speak every night on skype.

I understand some people don't like to leave their kids at all (mainly those with very young children) but noone should be flamed for going away without them as long as they are happy with who they are staying with and will have as good a time as you! TBH my kids will have more fun with grandma than they would on hilday with us .

OP I think your DH should compromise since you are willing to with the suggestion of some time alone and some with the kids. As sweet as it is that he wants to have a holiday with them I also find it a bit odd in a way.... maybe because my DH loves having time alone with me

belgo - So why is it selfish for a full-time mother & childminder to want a week away (not just any old holiday either, her honeymoon!!), without any kids ??

I'm sure the OP's DF has more than 1 weeks holiday allowance per year, so why can't they have their week long honeymoon on their own, then him take time off at a later date (or even the week after if he has the leave available) to spend at home with his kids ?