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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a Honeymoon with no children?

167 replies

Fruitbatlings · 17/10/2009 11:26

We got married in September and are planning to go away at the end of Feb/beginning March.

We have two children. DS1 is 4yrs and DS2 is 7 months.

I am a Childminder, obviously working from home

DH works all day everyday in central London.

DH wants to bring the children with us
I don't

My argument is, much as I love spending time with our children (and the mindees) I am with our children 24/7.
My dream of a honeymoon is somewhere hot and tropical with no sounds of children, just me and DH for a whole week - peace and quiet!
I really feel like I am due a well deserved break.

DH's argument is, he never really gets to spend time with the children except on weekends.
He is suggesting somewhere like Turkey with a kids club

I've suggested we take 10 days off, go somewhere for a week with no children then take them to Disneyland Paris for 3 days.

He wants to take them to the beach.

I'm going to show this to DH, so how would you feel, if you were either of us? and what would you do?

OP posts:
pointyhat · 17/10/2009 17:48

I think this is something the two of you need to agree on without bringing all og mn in on it.

I can see you r point of view and I can see his. There is no right or wrong, there is no selfishness or lack of consideration.

But the two of you have to be happy about it.

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 17/10/2009 18:41

Aw, thanks Fruitbatlings, I've never had a special thanks before !!

A lot have posters have said the same thing about compromise, & I agree. What I do disagree with however is that they have also said why not have a family holiday abroad & then a few nights away somewhere in this country just the 2 of you. The way I see it, couples can do that anytime (as long as finances allow it), but you only get 1 honeymoon (per marriage of course ) so if what you really want is a week somewhere in the sun where you can relax without having to worry about watching your kids all the time, then go for it.

A family holiday, IMO, would be better spent in this country, maybe at Butlins/Haven/Centre Parcs as there is a lot more for the kids to do and enjoy without the worry of the hot weather making them ill. Perhaps this is something you could mention to DH ?

nikki1978 · 17/10/2009 18:43

Um pardon me but don't you dare say you 'feel sorry' for me sassybeast. I just meant that DH enjoys spending time alone with me. He also enjoys holidays with me and the children. I only thought it odd as being a honeymoon it seems ok to go without kids and I wondered why he didn't want to spend a bit of time alone with his wife. My words obviously came across wrong.

You however are rude and should think before you speak (or type!).

turtle23 · 17/10/2009 18:55

I've met your children and think they are divine. I would leave them with their divine grandparents and hit the beach, personally.

Original poster
Fruitbatlings · 17/10/2009 18:58

I agree, compromise is the way to go 70/30 to me
I will talk to him again tomorrow.
Looks like my honeymoon dream will have to stay just that - a dream.

The only problem is, we both like our holidays to be hot - can't do that with the children. I wonder if I could use that in my defense...

If he wants to bring the children on our honeymoon then I will be holding him responsible for them while I lie down by the sea/pool relaxing

OP posts:
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 17/10/2009 19:00

Hi turtle23 & Fruitbatlings - Sorry, I was being nosy after turtle23's post about having met your children & noticed where you both live. Did you meet up through mumsnet ? If so, next time a meet is arranged, would you mind letting me know as I am not far from turtle23. Thanks

pooexplosions · 17/10/2009 19:12

What I would do is let DH take the kids on holiday and have a week alone on the beach, and then meet up with them for a family weekend. Simples!

I left my then 2.5 year with his GP's while I went to spain for a week with DH, when I was pregnant with DS2. Our last chance to get away alone, we had a great time and so did he. Now we have DS3 as well, I don't think we'll be going anywhere for a looong time, either alone or en famille, so I'm even more glad we did then!

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 17/10/2009 19:15

pooexplosions - That sounds like a fab idea.....perfect compromise for everyone!!

longhardlookinthemirror · 17/10/2009 19:19

DH and I had our honeymoon with out ds. Admittedly I did feel a little guilty about leaving him and missed him terribly but I don't regret it. You only have one honeymoon afterall!...and I think your compromise sounds great going to Disney with the kids,they would love it!

Original poster
Fruitbatlings · 17/10/2009 19:24

Chunkymonkey - sounds great!
Must meet up soon actually, last time I saw you, Turtle (), was very briefly!

Will check the old diary....
When are you both free next?

Pooexplosions - What an fantastic idea!

OP posts:
madamearcati · 17/10/2009 19:30

I don't think it is right for both parents to leave a baby for a week

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 17/10/2009 19:35

Fruitbatlings - Anytime really. I work from home so it's pretty flexible.

Vallhala · 17/10/2009 19:39

Purely a personal view but YANBU imo. Perhaps your DH is being a little unreasonable in not understanding how precious a break from children must be when you are with them and other people's 24/7.

I speak as a lone parent who had no-one to look after her DC from seperating with my H from when the youngest was a babe in arms sso I know how much a child-free break would be appreciated.

I hope that you get it too and I'm sure that your DC and DH will benefit from family time on many other occasions.

Original poster
Fruitbatlings · 17/10/2009 20:01

We could do a Wacky Warehouse meet-up? Children are entertained while we gossip over a free cup of raw sewage coffee

OP posts:
Doodleydoo · 17/10/2009 20:08

Fruitbat, you go girl, got my support to go it alone. I often get told that I am selfish for wanting to spend some time without dd (hasn't happened yet btw) but this is from people who have nannies, aupairs, childminders, nursery places, grandma nearby to help out. I get 6 hours off per week to try and cram as much work into this time as possible, therefore I don't get the lunch break or the travel to work time and frankly these people have no idea what they are talking about by telling me I am wrong to wish for time out.

You look after your own kids and other peoples and I think it is quite sad that your DH doesn't want to let you have a bit of a break too. I can also understand that your DH would want to spend time with your dc's but finnd it strange that he doesn't want to spend time with you as I would have thought time on own is at a premium in your house.

Therefore a compromise could be achieved - can I make a suggestion? You guys to a holiday with each other on the hot side of things and then a weekend with the kids perhaps in the uk at somewhere like Longleat? Good centre parcs there. That way your dh gets a long weekend with them and you get a break without them. I know it is selfish to want to do it the other way around to what the OP is suggesting but i also suggest this woman needs a break too! I think those of us who are not being v supportive have forgotten the pressure havig children can have on a relationship and the op obviously has not had time out for at least 4 years, perhaps its time for the op and her dh to get to know each other again and a honeymoon makes this achievable. (Not saying op that you really need to readdress your relationship at all, just being supportive!!!!)

  1. would say those without gps to look after dc's are jealous (oh I am!!!0
  2. don't feel selfish
  3. compromise is the nam eof the game but compromise is only achievable if you win more than dh

Incidentally my mum is gagging to be left with the dc but haven't had an op to do it yet with dh not being able to get time out!

bronze · 17/10/2009 20:24

I'm with chunky and doodle etc too

Original poster
Fruitbatlings · 17/10/2009 20:25

Thanks Doodleydoo

I agree completely!

I've just spoken to DH, he thought you'd all be against him. I told him it's split down the middle. He said he'd have a read tomorrow.

I think I'm just so frustrated he can't see it from my pov, but then, so is he.

OP posts:
Doodleydoo · 17/10/2009 20:27

P.S I want to come and hijack your wackywarehouse convention and drink crappy sludge - am not too far away either.............

Original poster
Fruitbatlings · 17/10/2009 20:29

absolutely doodleydoo - all coming out the woodwork now!

OP posts:
Doodleydoo · 17/10/2009 20:36

But mais oui - although only because we are all totally anonymous and it can get a bit boring really!

babyinacorner · 17/10/2009 20:52

yanbu - it is after all your honeymoon which is a once in a lifetime experience. if they are being looked after and spoilt by gp's then it would be an ideal time to go and do whatever your dream honeymoon would be. we left our 1yr old ds for a week when we had our honeymoon. He had a lovely time with gp's and we had a lush time in Cuba! I probably wouldn't leave him for 'just' a holiday for that long but as it was my honeymoon then i saw it as a different matter.

allaboutme · 17/10/2009 21:31

YANBU
I can understand EXACTLY how you feel.
I'm a SAHM and DH works long hours and doesnt see so much of the DCs.
I can totally see that it wouldnt feel like a honeymoon if you had a family holiday rather than just the two of you.
No having a few drinks of an evening as you'll be the one waking up to the kids in the night/early in the morning (he may say he'll do his share but in reality you'll always wake up before him)
No lazy lounging on the beach with a book as you'll be watching the kids like a hawk
No lazy day time sex, which is what honeymoons are all about
No late night meals out at swanky restaurants
No lying in bed till 11am just talking and cuddling

It'll just be like being at home, looking after the kids 24/7 (and YOU will end up doing the majority of the childcare as you are the SAHM) but with extra work as you wont have all your usual things around you!!

Can see his POV too, as understandable that he will miss them.
A compromise is needed here though. Short break with kids and then a short break as a couple to unwind sounds perfect.

Original poster
Fruitbatlings · 17/10/2009 21:45

I know.

We've been so lucky, our friends and family have been so generous and given us a lot of money, collectively, to go on a special honeymoon.
We will never ever get this opportunity again.

He said, we should go away for a few days together then get PIL to fly DC's over.
Now it's turning into a MAJOR family holiday - sorry DH, you know I love your family but it's our honeymoon!!!

OP posts:
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 17/10/2009 21:51

Could DH not book 2 weeks off work ? Then you could have a week away together and come back & and spend a few days doing things with the kids, either take them away, or just take them for days out.

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 17/10/2009 21:52

Doodleydoo - Whereabouts are you ?? (Tried to be nosy , but you don't have a public profile )

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