Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit sad after my scan today.

402 replies

sally78 · 25/09/2009 13:20

We have a lovely DS but he is very hard work.

This pregnancy has been so so so different and DH had his heart set on a girl........we are having another boy.

We are so lucky to be having a healthy baby and I am sure DH will get over it. The thing is everyone keeps saying "oh I bet you would love a girl, oh it must be you have been so ill, your so much rounder this time" etc etc etc.

I do feel a bit sad, I keep thinking about ballet classes and doing hair for school etc and a little like I'm missing out

Its terrible to feel like this I know I am BU.

OP posts:
echofalls · 25/09/2009 13:23

as you say yabu

enjoy your pregnancy and be grateful you are bringing a new life into the world.

btw not all little girls like ballet and having their hair done ... after having 2 boys I looked forward to this but she is a bit of a tomboy

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 25/09/2009 13:24

I think this is one of the reasons I believe you should NOT find out if you have a preference. When you're holding your ds2 in your arms, you won't care that he's not a girl.

Don't beat yourself up for feeling this way, but remember how great boys are.

I just had dc3. My first daughter after 2 boys, and oddly enough I was almost hoping for another ds, because boys are so lovely. But I'm so glad she is who she is and that she is here and safe, that my hoping something else fades into nothing.

PurpleEglu · 25/09/2009 13:26

YANBU as you had a girl in your head, but I do feel you are projecting the fact that your Ds is hard work onto him being a boy. I do not think that is the case at all. YOu could have a DD who is exactly the same or more hard work.

FWIW I have two boys and I do sometimes have that feeling of wishing I had a girl to do her hair etc. but it is very occasional.

My boys are extremely loving and caring and play well together most of the time. They also play well independently. My DB little girls are much harder work so I'd rather be in my position.

As for ballet, DS1 did ballet at age 3, so no reason to miss out on these things.

grumpypants · 25/09/2009 13:26

Hi - I felt exactly the same (girl, three boys). I know it won't make you feel better, but my ds1 is very hard work, and my ds2 is very different and goes to theatre class, melts hearts etc with his little shows etc. DS1 is sooo cool - we spend ages deciding how he will have his hair cut. DS3 is still too little to tell! There is still room for hair cuts, lovely clothes etc if you think outside the stereotypes and let them try everything. Congrats by the way - boys are lovely.

diddl · 25/09/2009 13:26

The scan might be wrong.

I desperately wanted a boy first,so for that reason we didn´t ask as I didn´t want to risk being upset for the pregnancy.

I really don´t think people should be told unless for medical reasons.

You know you´ll love baby when he´s born,and he´ll probably be easier than your first-and you´ll probably be more relaxed.

Firawla · 25/09/2009 13:27

after a couple of days you will really get used to the idea i think, then you wouldnt imagine having anything other than a boy? and it doesn't mean you can never ever have a girl in future
yanbu you cant help it if you feel like that, but just try to get used to the idea in the next few days so you can enjoy looking forward to your ds2
i am having ds2 aswel, and dh did orginally say he wanted a girl this time, so i get how you feel. but as you said you are lucky to be having a healthy baby, thats the most important

Fluffypoms · 25/09/2009 13:29

We have 2 dd'and 2 ds and they can both be hard work. girls are not any easier than boys.
so yes yabu.

HateTheHoover · 25/09/2009 13:33

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch is absolutely right about not finding out early if you have a preference - not that that is much help now!. I NEVER said to anyone, but I hoped my DC2 would be another girl as I thought that would be nicest for DD1. But DS came along and he is amazing.
However, with us, DD is very hardwork and DS is an angel so I don't think you can stereotype by gender.
BTW, my SIL has two boys, and she 'borrows' my DD for girly activities (which is perfect for me to have some peace!).

fruitful · 25/09/2009 13:34

I have:

dd (7) - quite easy but not very girly
ds1 (4) - flipping hard work
ds2 (21mo) - very very easy and he lets dd style his hair too

But YANBU to "feel a bit sad". It's ok to have feelings; I always end up trying to suppress my minor disappointments/sadnesses on the basis that other people are worse off or I'm being silly, and it doesn't help, really.

mazzystartled · 25/09/2009 13:39

I understand what you mean OP - when I found out DD was a girl, I was sad for a while for the boy she would never be.

Having two little lads will be great. They will have the BEST time together.

And there is always a next time.....

Washersaurus · 25/09/2009 13:41

Boys are fab and they can do ballet too y'know

I'm the other way, I have 2 boys and would probably feel the same if I discovered I was pregnant with a girl...for that reason I would never ask

Pitchounette · 25/09/2009 13:48

Message withdrawn

katiestar · 25/09/2009 13:51

YANBU.Your feelings are your feelings.But trust me when your baby comes along they will all evaporate.Remember that this litle boy will be his own person and completely different from your first
I had 2 boys and then 2 girls.So I can very much identify with your feelings.But really having a girl doesn't seem that different .the novelty of dressing them up and doing girly things soon wears thin.

PeedOffWithNits · 25/09/2009 13:53

as long as baby is healthy, gender does not matter, whether your first baby or your 8th!

FiveGoMadonTheDanceFloor · 25/09/2009 13:54

YANBU about your feelins.

BTW I have more chance of doing DS's hair and taking him to ballet lessons than DD.

samsonthecat · 25/09/2009 14:00

YANBU at all they are your feelings. However I have 2 DDs. DD1 is very hard work and DD2 is very easy, no 2 children are the same.

Deemented · 25/09/2009 14:01

I have to admit that i desperately wanted a girl again this time. The main reason is that my firstborn son died from a condition that could affect another boy anytime during pregnancy, or they could have a related renal problem. When i found out it was a boy, i cried bitterly for days. Now i'm slowly coming round to the idea, although still worried.

Please don't beat yourself up about this - you still have a good while to get used to having a boy.

Good luck.

LilianGish · 25/09/2009 14:10

YANBU. I think there is nothing wrong with having a preference - obviously it goes without saying that you want a healthy baby and that you love your ds. I actually think this a very good reason to try and find out the sex asap then you can get used to the idea without having any fear of feelings of disappointment when the baby arrives. I had two amnios so knew for sure the sex of both my babies. They were named long before they came into the world so it was more like welcoming an old friend by the time the finally made an appearance.

crazylizzy · 25/09/2009 14:11

YANBU, I was the same, I have 2 DD, and I too felt a little disappointed number 2 was not a boy after being convinced she would be a he, especially as all my friends and family members all had boys and girls. I think there is a lot of taboo regarding gender disappointment, it is in fact a very common feeling that many mothers experience but some how it's been almost like a "wrong and bad secret" to hold or feel

I do also feel that it's unfair for mothers who have both genders to say it's wrong to feel this way (not referring to anyone on this post BTW), were they don't/can't feel the same.

It did take me a long time to get over it, but by the time DD was born, those feelings of disappointment had gone and she was perfect When she was born, she was "real", a baby, a person and not just a gender and a scan print out IYGWIM.

I was very glad that I found out at 20 week scan as it gave me time for my emotions to settle. I fell in love with her the second I saw her, and I'm sure you will too with your lovely son

IrritableGrizzly · 25/09/2009 14:37

I was convinced my dc2 was a girl, for the same reasons you mentioned - much worse sickness, different shape bump, just a different feeling, (already had a ds.) I didn't find out the sex in advance, but was positive it was a girl. As soon as the baby was born my dh announced it was a boy and my immediate reaction was disappointment and disbelief.

Those feelings lasted about 5 seconds. Then as I held my beautiful baby boy I fell so in love with him I knew that he was meant to be. The thought of not wanting him because he was not a girl was so awful and unthinkable to me. I can honestly say I am happier with my two boys than I ever thought I could be.

However, I do understand your feelings, and I think YANBU, just honest! I'm sure you will love your baby boy as much as I love mine .

BonsoirAnna · 25/09/2009 14:40

YANBU.

I cried tears of relief when I had my scan and found out I was having a little girl. DP was one of two boys (and he lost his younger brother in terrible circumstances) and already had two boys, and we needed to have a girl.

ingles2 · 25/09/2009 14:44

I was really upset when I found out ds2 was a boy... I had my heart set on a girl and endless shopping opportunities for pink....
What I have got though are 2 absolutely fantastic, couldn't be more different if you tried, ds's who play brilliantly together and now at 8 & 9 the very best of friends.

girlsyearapart · 25/09/2009 14:52

yanbu to feel sad but I'm with other posters who feel that you shouldn't find out if you have a preference.
I have two dds and want only daughters so I'll never find out at a scan. I know with any future dcs I'll love a baby boy once he's born I'm just being a silly mare.
Congratulations on everything being ok with the scan and that your boy is healthy.

QueenOfToast · 25/09/2009 14:57

YABU - but only a little bit .

So, maybe it wasn't in your plan to be a mum to 2 boys but you will soon get used to the idea and be able to see what you're gaining rather than what you currently feel you're losing.

I have two DSs and it is brilliant. They are only 7 and 5 but they are best friends, play together all the time (summer hols are a doddle) and chat about pokemon, dinosaurs and star wars constantly. They're at the same school and DS1's friends treat DS2 like a surrogate little brother - they're all jealous because they've got sisters!

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy

Chaotica · 25/09/2009 15:02

YABU (a bit)

But (like some others on here) I have more chance of getting DS to ballet than DD, and each day he happily sits down and asks me to do his hair...