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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit sad after my scan today.

402 replies

sally78 · 25/09/2009 13:20

We have a lovely DS but he is very hard work.

This pregnancy has been so so so different and DH had his heart set on a girl........we are having another boy.

We are so lucky to be having a healthy baby and I am sure DH will get over it. The thing is everyone keeps saying "oh I bet you would love a girl, oh it must be you have been so ill, your so much rounder this time" etc etc etc.

I do feel a bit sad, I keep thinking about ballet classes and doing hair for school etc and a little like I'm missing out

Its terrible to feel like this I know I am BU.

OP posts:
Original poster
sally78 · 27/09/2009 11:30

fruitshootsandleaves (love the name BTW!) Did you 'do' anything different when you concieved your DD ??

OP posts:
fruitshootsandleaves · 27/09/2009 11:54

Yes we had sex one-two days before I ovulated. Apparently there's no proof it works but it did for us.

fruitshootsandleaves · 27/09/2009 11:54

I quite like the name too!

Original poster
sally78 · 27/09/2009 11:59

ummmmmmm see we did too. Yes 2 days before I had the pain on one side, DS on the way! Perhaps it should be a week before next time!

OP posts:
fruitshootsandleaves · 27/09/2009 12:21

Things I'm looking forward to with my 3 boys, I have one girl.

Them being taller than me and giving me massive cuddles.
A house full of deep voices.
Sending them out knowing that they'll be great husbands as they've been well trained.
Strong men when my car needs a push.
Not arguing with me endlessly, unlike my dd who will if she's anything like me.

I am really looking forward to them growing up but whilst they're little they play rugby/football together, castles and knights, share a joy for gadgets etc.

jellybeans · 27/09/2009 12:27

yabu but only a little and as someone said they are your feelings, it's how you react that counts..

I had alot of m/c so only cared about a live baby each time. I had 3 DD first and loved having DDs. I had no brothers etc and had no great desire for boys (but really didn't care either way) but once I had my own I realised how great they are and that they are just as scrummy as girls!!

'These threads make me so sad - before I even opened it, I just knew that the OP would have found out she was having a boy.'

I also knew what this post would be about. My friends with more than 1 boy were all desperate for girls yet my friends with girls didn't mind more girls!!

However, I suspect if this was a dads forum the posts would be the other way round. In fact after I had DD1 I was visiting a friend who had just had her first baby, a DS. I congratulated her nusband and he said how over the moon he was and was so glad it was a boy as girls just 'weren't the same!!' (I was offended as had just had a DD!!!!) This guy has since had his own DD!!!! Wonder if he feels different now!!

My DH swore he had no preference either way with our DC but only after we had a boy did he admit that he had been hoping for a DS, although he was, of course, not bothered really as long as the baby survived!!

forehead · 27/09/2009 13:03

My dsis had wanted her first child to be a ds and therefore was upset when she found out that she was expecting a dd. When she got pregnant again, both my mother and i begged her to get a scan so that if the next child was not what she wanted, she would have time to get used to the fact. My sister wouldn't listen to us and did not find out the sex of the baby. When the baby was born it turned out to be another dd. My sister was really disappointed and actually refused to hold her dd, to the horror of her dh and i. Fast forward 3 years and my dniece is tha apple of her mother's eyes. She is such an adorable child and my sister can't believe that she reacted to the birth of dd2 in such a negative way. OP there is nothing wrong with being disappointed, but you must try to concentrate on the positive things about having two of the same sex, such as the passing down of clothes. Having a child is a gift and i can say this as someone who has many friends who are unable to have children. So dry the tears and start getting ready for that beautiful baby boy who will soon arrive. Ignore all those who comment on the fact that you don't have a girl.Their comments will only affect you if you allow them to.

kitkatqueen · 27/09/2009 14:50

Sally, I know your dp has said that 2 is enough, but my dp said that too and I am feeding no 4 as we speak You never know what life will bring...

changednametoavoidbacklash · 27/09/2009 15:07

It's not the end of the world, you will love your ds2 to bits but in the future if you decide you definately want a girl you can go to America to do gender selection, its completely legal there and 99.9% guaranteed!

Why live your life "wishing, wanting, regretting, feeling sad" I say no more!

Jude68 · 27/09/2009 15:46

I would have been gutted too to have a second son. Luckily I've got two girls and am sorted. Yeah, my two daughters could turn out to be a complete handful and the teenage years will no doubt be grim but as I have two step-sons also (aged 9 and 12) I know from experience with them that boys conversations can be soooooo tedious. Little boys generally irritate me or bore me sensless.
My DD1 is only 2 (nearly 3) and already she asks how I'm feeling, tells me her feelings and I am not bored to death with her toys/play acting.
Ok, maybe I'm being stereotypical but I know I am a better mother to daughters than I ever would be to sons.
To the OP, i'm sure you'll love your son to bits regardless but no, YANBU for wanting a daughter.

Morloth · 27/09/2009 16:31

I am quietly hoping for a DS2. We are not a very feminine household at all. Very much computer games/rugby/outdoor sports type family. A girl would probably fit in OK though, don't really mind and will not be upset if it is a girl, but I suspect a boy would be a better fit.

pointydoug · 27/09/2009 16:45

I never realised just how sexist so many people are and it irritates the hell out of me.

Boys conversations are so boring - really? All of them? All of the time? Cripes, well, as least they don't read mizz magazine because it's pretty brainless too, you know.

We are not a feminine household - aren't you female? Do you like it? Is it reall so different that a girl wouldn't fit in as well as a boy?

SExist rubbish

Jude68 · 27/09/2009 17:46

I love Mizz magazine. I slip a read of it in our local library whilst DD1 looks for "Pepa Pig."
Yes, I have found all little boys banter boring. Perhaps it's just the ones I've encountered. Long drawn out explainations of Sci-Fi films, computer game rules etc. I've never heard my step-sons at any rate ever talk about friendships, emotions, how they're feeling and I have a veryt healthy relationship with them.
Girls however despite often being little madams ARE interesting and I can relate to them.

Jude68 · 27/09/2009 17:49

I'm glad I've got girls. I'm sure I'd have been very happy with a son but for me I feel I got what I wanted in an ideal world.
TBH with a short age gap between mine having a girl first followed by a boy would have been a bit of a nightmare in a few ways...having to buy a load of new clothes, separate rooms eventually, different toys, lack of shared interests etc.

Morloth · 27/09/2009 18:05

hehe Jude68 it sounds like we have exact opposite households! I can't imagine anything worse than sitting down and talking about feelings etc (unless there is a problem obviously). If you ask my DS (5) what he is thinking, he will say "nothing", DH assures me that he is in fact sometimes thinking "nothing". We are all quite shallow here

I can't wait for DS to be old enough to have his own WoW account, much better for our raiding parties .

pointydoug it may be sexist rubbish, but I have 1 good female friend who likes the same stuff I do 1. I do get on well with other women, but like Jude68 they are mostly not interested in the same sort of stuff we are and mostly they are the wives of male friends who have also become friends. On average boys and girls (and men and women) are different, there are exceptions to the rule (obviously I am one).

What is Mizz magazine and is it like Linux magazine?

jellybeans · 27/09/2009 18:22

Jude68, what if you get loads of grandsons, will they bore you to death?

I was, shame on me, abit of a 'smug mum of girls' (maybe like some posters, not naming any!!), only saw the negatives of boys, felt I had the best with my DDs etc, never cared though when pg as having had many m/c just wanted a live child, but when I had my own sons I saw it so differently!!I never found boys boring, they crack me up!!

I have DS and DD and so far have found teen girls the hardest, even harder than twin boy toddlers!! Still, they are all fab and I think it is probably more personality than gender that counts.

chegirl · 27/09/2009 18:33

I miss having a girl so so so much.

I love my boys but I feel like an alien in my house .

I mean I am used to their mad ways but I cant pretend to understand why they do the things they do!

They all look at me bewildered when I am talking so I know they dont understand me either.

Me and my girl, we understood each other and I loved all that shopping stuff. She was a tomboy for most of her life but was just getting all girly when she got ill.

I would love another girl but if I do have a boy it will be fine. I think I will cry though, just for a bit if my scan shows another boy. I cannot imagine me having anymore kids after this one because I am 42 and this will be my 5th. Of course I will be greatful for a healthy, live child of either sex. I also know that if I do have a girl the dynamic will be very different. I will be much older when she is a teenager and stuff like that.

Doesnt stop me crossing my fingers a little bit though.

lovechoc · 27/09/2009 18:50

Sorry YABU. I would love to be pregnant just now, but am still waiting....any gender would do, just a healthy baby.

I wish people would just be so thankful for what they have in life.

But as others have said, you are entitled to have these feelings and you can't help the way it is making you feel.

NotanOtter · 27/09/2009 19:01

Jesus jude can you read???????

hormonesnomore · 27/09/2009 19:03

I feel so sad when I read some of your lovely posts. I was born the 'wrong' sex as far as my mother was concerned - the second of 2 girls.

My mother always kept diaries & when I found the one for the year of my birth (at the age of about 7) I eagerly turned to my birth date to

see what she'd written & saw this - 'Hormonesnomore born - wanted a boy'. I will never forget that (and I've never told anyone else) It upset

me for many years that this was all she could write about my birth. Enjoy your beautiful baby, whatever the gender. You're not unreasonable

to wish for one sex or the other, but it's not something you can control, and not something that the child should be blamed for.

NotanOtter · 27/09/2009 19:07

how terribly sad hormones
my 'mother ' was the same i am one of four girls born to a woman who wanted boys

MarshaBrady · 27/09/2009 19:08

Agree with Pointydoug sexist rubbish. of course little boys are not boring. Ridiculous idea.

Also not sure Jude why you are here saying this stuff about little girls when you know the op is upset about not having one?

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 27/09/2009 19:09

This is what I'm worried about- we find out next week and DH wants a girl, we already have a baby boy.

We won't be trying again after this one- wouldn't be a good idea financially, no more room in the house, I hate pregnancy, etc.

I hope DH won't be disappointed if it's a boy.

I think if it's a girl we'll have one of each and if it's a boy we'll have two close little brothers who will look out for each other and have a good relationship.

kitkatqueen · 27/09/2009 19:16

Hormonesnomore, You are not alone I was given all of the congratulations cards from my own birth by my mum ( i'm her 3rd dd ) and one of the cards mentioned how much she had wanted a boy. Both of my names have masculine versions and I was frequently told as a child " if you'd been a boy"... My mum wanted another child after me but it was not to be. I feel sorry for my mum that she didn't get what she wanted, I have been lucky because I do have 4 and ended up with 2 of each. She does now have 2 grandsons... I hope that helps her...

If my dd1 ever asks me what I wanted I will tell her honestly that I originally wanted a boy - until I saw her on the scan and then all I wanted was her. x

funtimewincies · 27/09/2009 19:19

Try not to mourn what you thought you wanted.

I'm the only girl in our family. I never wanted to do the 'girly' stuff and felt that I was disappointing my mum so much of the time by not wanting the long hair/pink and sparkly/girly hobbies thing. I did ballet for years rather than upset her.

Even if you'd had a girl, she might not have been the little pink person you wanted her to be anyway.