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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that "good" relationships are just so full of compromise that no one ever

210 replies

sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 20:33

actually gets what they want, so no-one is ever actually really happy? And this way of doing things is in fact a one way ticket to low level depression?

Took kids to Drayton Manor Park today. It was brilliant, but the very best bit about it was being able to stay for as long as we wanted go on as many rides as we wanted and not have to get back for some arrangement ex had made and bicker with him about whether ds could go on the "Troublesome Trucks Roller Coaster" for the 4th time. We were just SO happy. I looked around and 80% of the couples I saw were moaning at each other or pulling faces, or just looked like they were having the worst time in the world.

It was my lightbulb moment that I will cling on to if ever I feel like getting involved with anyone again.

OP posts:
canttouchthis · 24/07/2009 20:38

I can see your point here. I know couples who just saying something to keep their partner happy (can't just be man enough to say what they really feel) it just makes me want to grab the sick bucket

I'm married but we are two seperate people and have our own seperate views on life. If I am with a group of friends and DH is with me and we both don't agree with a topic, we'll both say so openly in front of friends. We don't think twice about it, or to argue about it either

Glad you had fun on your hols

violethill · 24/07/2009 20:39

No, I think a good relationship is one where you can let your kid go on Troublesome trucks 20 times and your partner will go with the flow and not give two hoots about it.

If you can't enjoy a day out with someone, then you're with the wrong partner!

MIAonline · 24/07/2009 20:40

Don't agree at all. A good relationship does involve compromise, at times. But, it should never be so full of it that it makes you unhappy.

If you have had a difficult relationship with your Ex then this will affect your view of other couples. Yes, you will have seen people moaning and bickering, but it is only a snapshot, will you see them later laughing and hugging?

Just get a better partner next time

FAQtothefuture · 24/07/2009 20:40

we make lots of compromises in our relationship - but we have an excellent relationship and we both also get our own way;

FlamongoBongo · 24/07/2009 20:44

Completely disagree. You should both (all if you have a family) be able to live consensually and not self-sacrifice or compromise.

Morloth · 24/07/2009 20:45

I think the trick to a good relationship is to find the compromises that make everyone happy and in order to do that you have to be pretty much on the same page in any case.

Surfermum · 24/07/2009 20:46

For me compromising means sometimes having things my way and sometimes having things dh's way. But I think in general we both feel much the same about things anyway, so the scenario you describe probably wouldn't arise.

Original poster
sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 20:47

I don't know about it being different with the right person. It was never an issue before because I didn't have children so I just went and did what I wanted, whenever I wanted.

Having children and being a "family" just seems so incredibly rigid to me, I know a lot of families like this, not one couple I know seems to be happy either. I don't mind the odd gripe but just constant trying to please the other or not trying and therefore rowing about it. My sisters dh daren't even order a beer without checking with a glance if it is ok with her. My SIL can't come out for a pizza without checking up with her DP, neither of these couples have children btw.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 24/07/2009 20:49

I disagree. We don't have a sense of self-sacrifice in our relationship. For us, it's simple: do unto each other as you would have done to you.

Original poster
sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 20:50

Also I asked my other SIL to look after our dog, small, house trained, well behaved dog. I know she loves him because she always used to offer when single to have him when I went away. Now she has a new partner and now she has to "check" with DP first. I said putting that aside "do YOU want to have him", "I would love to, you know that but DP might not want to", so SIL doesn't get what she wants in this situation. As a one off fine but when someone is regularly submitting their wants and needs, no matter how small it becomes really depressing.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 24/07/2009 20:53

I disagree. Have a very good relationship with DH and we are both very happy. Obviously a good relationship requires some compromise but not to the detriment of people's happiness. If a relatinship makes you unhappy a lot fo the time, for whatever reason, then I guess it is time to question the validty of that relationship.

Paolosgirl · 24/07/2009 20:54

It's weird - I have friends who are incredibly laid back in their approach to life, and so seem to compromise very easily with their partners. To me (and I'm not laid back at all!) it seems as if they just put up with nonsense, but to them I probably seem completely OTT.

I wonder if people who are generally more chilled find it easier to compromise than those of us who tend to make a mountain of the smallest molehill? DH and I are also fairly stubborn people with strong views on issues, which makes for an interesting life sometimes!

HecatesTwopenceworth · 24/07/2009 20:56

Disagree also. Yes there's compromise, but there's also love, affection, laughter, closeness, warmth... Hell, that's worth not getting your way in all things all the time, surely? I don't think I would want to be alone just so I didn't have to do something someone else wanted to do.

PortBlacksandResident · 24/07/2009 20:57

Yes we are all better off single .

Pisses me off too when seemingly intelligent women bow to hubby / new man's whim - don't get me wrong - but wow that's some sweeping statement you made.

I could never be with a bloke i couldn't have a dog at the last minute to stay or that i felt i had to take DCs off a fairground ride for.

Odd.

canttouchthis · 24/07/2009 20:57

there's a difference between being 'chilled out' and being a sap though.

hambler · 24/07/2009 20:57

sunfleurs you are SO right!

yama · 24/07/2009 21:01

I think you may have a skewed idea of what a 'good' relationship is.

I agree with Expat. I want to be treated with respect so I treat dp with respect.

I don't do self-sacrifice or play the martyr but will compromise if a situation merits it.

PortBlacksandResident · 24/07/2009 21:02

You cannot judge other peoples healthy relationships by a shit one you had.

hambler · 24/07/2009 21:04

acht, you are all protesting too much.
You KNOW sunfleurs talks sense.
Look around you in any public place

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 24/07/2009 21:05

YABU

DH and I have a really good relationships and out compromises are diddy ones really.

Momdeguerre · 24/07/2009 21:06

Disagree - I don't compromise myself and have a great relationship with DH. We don't always agree but I value our differences and accept that I married him that way!

I like to do things for him and with him and I am certain that my life is better for having him in it.

Maybe this is just your experience of relationships which has led you to this conclusion? Hope that you meet someone who does not make you feel that you have to compromise .

Original poster
sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 21:09

Today I saw a many uptight mums and dads hissing at their kids and then at each other, if they were bothering to talk at all that is. I don't have a skewed idea of relationships, I have had a few which were pretty happy, usually when we let each other come and go as we pleased and didn't have to check with the other if it was ok to have another beer or look after a friends dog. From what I see around me and the people I know it seems that those kind of relationships are in the minority.

I would ask you, do you have the kind of relationship where you have to check with your dh/dp if you can have another drink, go out for a pizza or insert any of your own examples? Or is it the other way round because I bet loads of you do without even realising it.

OP posts:
PortBlacksandResident · 24/07/2009 21:09

It's a lose lose argument. You protest too much you look as if you're protesting TOO MUCH.

Therefore i am leaving my DH forthwith to go it alone with DSs so i don't look too rigid.

yama · 24/07/2009 21:09

Hambler - maybe people choose to be romantic in private.

Mumcentreplus · 24/07/2009 21:10

I think people confuse 'compromise' with 'surrender' or capitulation..not the same at all...we treat each other how we want to be treated to the best of our abilities and if one of us is out of order we say so..a good relationship is good not perfect