Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that "good" relationships are just so full of compromise that no one ever

210 replies

sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 20:33

actually gets what they want, so no-one is ever actually really happy? And this way of doing things is in fact a one way ticket to low level depression?

Took kids to Drayton Manor Park today. It was brilliant, but the very best bit about it was being able to stay for as long as we wanted go on as many rides as we wanted and not have to get back for some arrangement ex had made and bicker with him about whether ds could go on the "Troublesome Trucks Roller Coaster" for the 4th time. We were just SO happy. I looked around and 80% of the couples I saw were moaning at each other or pulling faces, or just looked like they were having the worst time in the world.

It was my lightbulb moment that I will cling on to if ever I feel like getting involved with anyone again.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 22:49

meant to say compromise equally in my last post.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 24/07/2009 22:49

I couldn't be doing with tabs. I thinkt hat is the thing with a good relationship, there is no need to keep tabs. I think the people who are likely to keep tabs will be doing so because they themselves feel there is some inequality issues, hence the need to keep track.

sleeplessinstretford · 24/07/2009 22:51

i loved being a single mum-there was no bitching about whose turn it was to do stuff as it was ALWAYS mine,always my shitty nappy,always my turn to cook etc etc.
i equally love being in this relationship with this partner because he and i work well as a team-he doesn't really give a shit about a lot of stuff that i care about and i don't really care about what he wants to do-so.last weekend i took the kids out with me to the zoo so he could watch sport-that's fine as on saturday night we went out together and then sunday he got up and did all the cooking and all the housework (despite the fact i am a housewife and erm am supposed to do house stuff)
he's not arsed about that-nor is he arsed that on tuesday night i went out with my friend,shared 4 bottles of wine with her and was utterly incapable of looking after myself the next day let alone the kids and so he worked from home.
i'd have a face like fucking thunder in a theme park too to be honest...

violethill · 24/07/2009 22:53

The vast majority of posts on MN are by women, so it's hardly surprising that the relationships section is going to be weighted against men, given that it's a kind of public forum problem page. If you looked at an equivalent on a public forum aimed towards men, you'd no doubt find plenty of complaints about women!!

I think if you go into a relationship expecting to be treated as an equal, and expecting to contribute as an equal, you are more likely to find you get on well on a basis of mutual respect, and give and take.

If people go into a relationship with baggage, or an unrealistic expectation, or wanting the other person to make up for self-deficiencies, then you're more likely to be miserable.

I don't think this is a gender divide thing. I think some men are miserable bastards and some women are miserable bints!!

Pick your partner with care I'd say!

Mumcentreplus · 24/07/2009 22:53

FGS who really goes on the Relationship thread and says 'Guess what my life with my DH is fantastic! - just wanted to share' as a thread title

Original poster
sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 22:54

You are happy and judge things to be equal but how do you know what your dh is feeling? You are right of course if you are happy there is no need to "keep tabs". If you have a genuinely good and equal relationship any discrepancies will work themselves out along the way.

I just don't see too many of them about tbh.

OP posts:
FAQtothefuture · 24/07/2009 22:56

I know what my DH is feeling because we talk to each other.........

Hulababy · 24/07/2009 23:00

Like FAQ, DH and I talk. Unless he is very good at hiding things (which IME he isn't)I know how he feels about stuff like this. We have been together a long tme, from an early age. We know one another pretty weel, inclding one anothers feelings and how we show them.

Original poster
sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 23:02

Mumcentreplus I can't link or anything, too late at night and can't be bothered but I have certainly seen a few in my time on MN. Under another name a few years ago I started a thread asking if ANYONE actually had a decent relationship and got hundreds of replies of people praising partners to the skies. I speak with regard to nearly every single couple I know and see out as a family.

As for the theme parks issue, if you don't like them don't go. Don't all walk around looking thunderous because you feel above all this manufactured fun. I love them, ds is obsessed by Thomas so loves Drayton Manor Park. We had an excellent day, much better than the last couple of times we went with face pulling exh who had very specific ideas about how long the fun could go on for and in what way. To keep the day sweet I had to make huge compromises while making sure that dc got to do what they wanted it was f*cking exhausting and soul destroying but it went on for a long time before I got fed up and I think a lot of people never have the energy to get themselves out of those situations to just plod along getting more and more unhappy while the other partners gets their own way the majority of the time.

Just because you are happy it doesn't mean everyone else is. I think that a lot of people make that mistake.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 23:06

These are the couples I know who are like this.

My Mum and Dad
My ex inlaws
ALL of my SIL and their partners
My own sister and her dh.
My sister's best friend and his male partner.
My bestfriend and her exP
My cousin whose husband tried to kill her because she got fed up with compromising to his needs (totally true I swear!)
My upstairs neighbour and her dp.
MYSELF and exdh.

It is endless.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 24/07/2009 23:08

Well people don't go around advertising I suppose...hmmm ..internet business Selling 'Happy Marrieds' T-shirts

sleeplessinstretford · 24/07/2009 23:08

i also think that the fact i met my dp when i was old and sorted and unlikely to take instruction from anyone in anything helps.
and the fact that he's as cool as fuck like.

Mumcentreplus · 24/07/2009 23:11

so everyone of those couples are unhappy?..or one person is compromising but secretly hating it?

blueshoes · 24/07/2009 23:12

I would back Hula up.

I haven't noticed I have had to compromise to be in a relationship with dh. We have argued in the past but I don't remember when or what that was about.

I know that sounds terribly smug. But that is because it is dh I am married to, not any other man. I can think of an ex-boyfriend I would be bickering with hammer and tongs, not being a wallflower myself.

I agree with Hula that keeping tabs is a symptom of inherent equality in a relationship. My father is a selfish and sexist man (to put it bluntly). I swore never to marry anyone that was remotely like him. Seeing what my mother had to put up with, if I was in a relationship with someone like him, I would be keeping tabs all the time and probably divorced by now.

Original poster
sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 23:17

Yes you are right, if you are feeling the need to keep tabs in the first place then things are very wrong. It is a useful way, though when you can't quite put your finger on why you are unhappy when the other person seems quite content with the state of the relationship.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 24/07/2009 23:23

I haven't noticed whether or not seemingly happy couples around me have had to make major compromises to be together, except perhaps those in blended families.

I don't see much conflict in their relationships when they are out, tbh.

UnquietDad · 24/07/2009 23:23

A "good" relationship is one where you both secretly agree not to go to sodding theme parks if you can ever possibly help it.

Mumcentreplus · 24/07/2009 23:24

So you keep tabs then what ...draw up a pie chart?..lol...you should probably be talking and effective discussion not ranting before you start keeping score imo

FAQtothefuture · 24/07/2009 23:25

maybe a bar chart??

lol @ UQD

Hulababy · 24/07/2009 23:25

We are off next week to spend 14 days in theme parks. We will remember to smile for the whole time No, honest, we do love it actually and DD even more so.

blueshoes · 24/07/2009 23:26

Sunfleurs, if you are feeling a deep malaise and the other party is oblivious and actually quite contented, that is a very lonely place to be. Your ex sounds like a twunt.

Morloth · 24/07/2009 23:26

Well we went to Disneyland for a week and all three of us had a blast every day. The compromises were making sure DS got to do pretty much whatever he wanted and us taking turns to go on the rides we desperately wanted to go on. And eating lots and lots and lots of sugar, drinking far too many cocktails by the pool and sleeping until 10am everyday.

I know what DH is thinking because he tells me.

AnnieLobeseder · 24/07/2009 23:32

Good lord what a gloomy OP! I could never stay with someone who made me unhappy and with whom I felt I had to give up so much of myself when with them.

We've been together 11 years and we are genuinely happy. OF course there is some compromise, but the joy, companionship, support and simple fun I get from time with my DH was more than makes up for it.

Of course I check with him about certain things first, in the same way that he would check with me, but not in an asking permission sort of way. It's more of a making sure we're in agreement and that no-one is going to be hurt/left out/seriously inconvenienced kind of thing.

I feel very sad that some of you have never been a relationship that was so much more good than bad!

Original poster
sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 23:34

Not gloomy at all, only if you think being in a relationship is the be all and end all. Today was a happy day not gloomy, not for me anyway.

OP posts:
UnquietDad · 24/07/2009 23:36

Compromise isn't a bad thing provided you both do it.

Of course, there are some couples where one person (not necessarily more often the man or the woman) is more devious, or more clever, and knows how to work the whole compromise thing. They work it like "Dragons' Den". They go in with a "high bid" and appear to give a lot and meet in the middle, whereas in actual fact they are only giving a little and have ended up with something not far off what they wanted anyway.

It's a good rhetorical argument technique too (well, I say "good", but it isn't always) - you appear to be more extreme than you are, so that when you "come down a bit" you seem gracious, and are actually getting credit for what you truly believed all along. It's like the "Torchwood" thing where the aliens wanted 10% of the children. If they come down to only 1% it would have seemed horribly "reasonable" to some, in the light of the earlier demand.

DW and I can never do the whole structured, careful "talking in that way that get you what you want" thing with a straight face, because we have both been on the same courses through work...! One of us always knows if the other is using "course-speak".