to think that "good" relationships are just so full of compromise that no one ever

[sunfleurs]

actually gets what they want, so no-one is ever actually really happy? And this way of doing things is in fact a one way ticket to low level depression?

Took kids to Drayton Manor Park today. It was brilliant, but the very best bit about it was being able to stay for as long as we wanted go on as many rides as we wanted and not have to get back for some arrangement ex had made and bicker with him about whether ds could go on the "Troublesome Trucks Roller Coaster" for the 4th time. We were just SO happy. I looked around and 80% of the couples I saw were moaning at each other or pulling faces, or just looked like they were having the worst time in the world.

It was my lightbulb moment that I will cling on to if ever I feel like getting involved with anyone again.

I think if you're happy and contented and have had a great day, it's a little odd to come home and get straight on MN judging how you think everyone else's day was going!

lol@ be all and end all...life is what it is married or single you make the best of it..strange to base all the relationships you have seen today on snapshots..tbh when I'm at a theme park I'm too busy screaming to spend time checking out faces..

Just seems gloomy to me that you'd rather be out of a relationship forever than be in a happy one.

Of course being in a relationship isn't the be all and end all. If, god forbid, something happened to DH, I wouldn't obsess about finding a new partner purely for the sake of not being alone. I very much enjoy my own company. But I'd really hate to go through life alone permanantly, and I know I'm much happier with someone in my life than not.

Sunfleurs, of course not all single people are resentful of people in relationships. But when a single person bitches about nearly everyone in a relationship that they know and lots that they don't, I have to wonder.

The business with your sister seems most likely to be perfectly normal communication and consultation between partners - there's certainly no reason, based on what you said about it, for me to assume your sister is downtrodden and subjugated. What you said about it sounded like sour grapes to me.

DH and I do check with each other about things like going out or whatever. It is called courtesy. It doesn't mean that either of us stops the other one going out etc. Just making sure that we don't get a clash of social calendars.

And I don't see how you can be in any sort of relationship, either as a couple, or even just with friends or workmates, without making some sort of compromise occasionally. It doesn't mean you are a doormat. It just means that you try to consider others. There are things I enjoy that DH detests and vice versa. But we compromise on those things. EG. DH loves watching certain sports on tv. I hate it. Therefore one of us has to compromise and sky+ our choice of programme so the other can watch theirs. It isn't always the same person who gets to watch 'live'. My experience of people who don't 'do' compromise is that they tend to be rather selfish.

When DH and I are out, sometimes we look 'happy', sometimes not. But that doesn't mean our relationship is crap. It is sad that you are judging other people's relationships based purely on your perception of one moment out of a whole relationship. Maybe it says more about you than about them.

I'm with Beta. Who in their right minds either goes to amusement parks/soft play centres/child themed restaurants and has either a.) a good time or b.) actually looks happy?

My idea of hell.

knows moony secretly has 'Camelot Annual Pass'

The reason I like being with DP is because spending time with him is easy. I don't feel like I have to compromise on what I want very much at all, we often want the same thing, or want things that are complementary. That's what I consider a "good" relationship.

OK, someone may have already said this (apologies for not checking!) but why is it assumed that compromising with loved ones makes people unhappy?

For me, the benefits of being in a loving, supportive intimate relationship far outweigh any downsides.

You are describing bad relationaships and not good relationships!

I think it is quite naive and pretty selfish to assume you can have a relationship and a family and that you will still be able to do exactly as you please at all times.

That rather implies you expect everyone else in your life to compromise to allow you to do everything you want and have everything your own way - because there is no chance you will all want to do the same things all the time.

I think its about having the right balance, and having enough respect for your partner / kids to consider their preferences along with you own.

I disagree.

I think it depends on the relationship, if it is a good relationship than fitting in together and living together will involve hard work and effort, without it feeling like compromise.

The word compromise makes it sound negative, but in the right relationship you would rather fit in with your partner and work as a united unit than judt selfishly do what you want.

sunfleur I can see where you are coming from, I am single too and often feel very lucky indeed to be single when I see unhappy couples, but not all couples are like this. And lots of single parents are miserable and bicker and argue all the time with their kids, so it's not that black and white or clear cut.

Even as single parents we still have to make compromises because we are still living and sharing our lives with other people, even if they are minors.

Exactly olifin, good point. It doesn't.

What aout extended family and friends? Lots of people make compromises in relationships with other people, family and friends, I know I do and I know my friends do and my family sure do.

It doesn't make them unhappy or lead to low level depression, it is a choice they make becuae they want to.

I miss the freedom of being single sometimes - just to walk out of the house without checking or thinking of anyone else. But I lived like that for a long time and these day's I'd personally find that a pretty lonely way of life. I like that someone cares for me most out of everyone in the world (well my husband AND my kids think like this so that's three people!)
My mum is divorced after an unhappy marriage and she loves her freedom, but of course she still makes compromises in her relationship with family, friends, workmates, just as we all do.

I sometimes really enjoy going to an outdoor play park on a sunny day with my friends or my husband, because it is so much fun to see the children happy and occupied, and to talk and walk about in the sunshine.

I don't feel we make alot of compromises in our relationship and have always felt that people who go on about having to work at a marriage are possibly not that well suited to the person they married. I am on my second marriage though and do think that sometimes you grow apart from people and I think that we are probably happier with new partners than we would have been staying together. i do think staying in an unfulfilling relationship can lead to low grade disatisfaction and depression and think it's sad we value length of marriages over quality. I think having hobbies, even if they are seperate ones is important in a relationship so you aren't looking to your partner to entertain and fulfil you. Not putting all your emotions into the children and continuing to express affection to each other, make time for each other and keep having sex is also important.
Not thinking that someone is being unreasonable just because they think differently to you or do things differently is also important.
My bloke for instance hates theme parks and Blackpool. If we need to go together for child safety or other reason he'll come, otherwise it's more fun for the kids and I to go alone.
I couldn't live with a bloke who talked about having to get "a pass" to go out or who belittled me in public, or a heavy drinker. Blokes who think farting and belching in public are funny are also big nos. That's just getting to know a bloke before you marry him though.

I think part of compromise is enjoying the other person's happiness.....

Like yesterday for example, DH got box set of films I hate [Stanly Kubrick ] for his birthday. My comprimise was that I tidied bedroom, did food shopping [got out of the way!!!] and we payed for dd to be in nursery [films are horrid!] I really enjoyed the fact the DH was enjoying a bit of a guitly pleasure and he was very happy. He had compromised in that his birthday was 3 months ago and has waited till the time be right....

I also think people can enjoy themselves at theme parks even if they are having little arguments. Though I;m with msled - parks on a sunny day are much more fun....

overmydeadbody I quite agree: compromise is needed in all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones.

OP: Why are you worried about whether others are happy in their relationships? You are happily single? Good for you. I know a fair few very miserable single people but I don't assume that singledom is an unhappy state for everyone.

A great many of us are happily married/with someone. Don't resent us for it. Live and let live.

nicely put olfin

hear hear olifin

Loving the language being used towards me on here "odd", "bitching", "gloomy". Most of the relationships I see are great examples of these words.

I am not talking about compromise that allows things to move on smoothly in relationships where it is worthwhile. Why on earth would I be? As someone rightly pointed out there is an element of compromise in every single relationship you have.

I honestly do believe though that to keep a couple type relationship going along swimmingly one person in that relationship is having to give up more than the other. I should have made that clear in my thread title. Joint and equal compromise to make the relationship work? Great but exceedingly rare imvho. Someone is nearly ALWAYS giving more than the other for whatever reason, fear of being left, selfishness and a sense of entitlement on the part of the other person or maybe just because they are used to it being that way. Clearly I know that not all relationships are like this but I honestly believe that most are. You don't need to "keep tabs" but deep down if you are honest most of you are in a relationship where one gets their own way more than the other in order to make it work.

so what if the balance on compromises does tip on one persons favour - does it really matter if both people are happy??

and seriously you now are starting to sound somewhat barking.