to think that "good" relationships are just so full of compromise that no one ever

[sunfleurs]

actually gets what they want, so no-one is ever actually really happy? And this way of doing things is in fact a one way ticket to low level depression?

Took kids to Drayton Manor Park today. It was brilliant, but the very best bit about it was being able to stay for as long as we wanted go on as many rides as we wanted and not have to get back for some arrangement ex had made and bicker with him about whether ds could go on the "Troublesome Trucks Roller Coaster" for the 4th time. We were just SO happy. I looked around and 80% of the couples I saw were moaning at each other or pulling faces, or just looked like they were having the worst time in the world.

It was my lightbulb moment that I will cling on to if ever I feel like getting involved with anyone again.

OP - self-centredness is not a relationship.

Not "worried" Olfin. Just making observations and discussing on MN. As we all do. Just an idea that occurred to me and wanted to discuss it.

Not resentful either. Why do people in relationships always think that single people are so ragingly jealous of them? Makes me giggle when my friends and family say soothingly "someone will come along for you, don't worry". Please, no! I have paid my dues.

Why on earth do I sound "barking"? What am I saying any different from last night? Just answering the posts I saw this morning.

sunfleurs - pop over to "Lone Parents" on MN - ask some of them.

Yes you'll find some that are blissfully happy as single parents (I quite enjoyed it as well actually when I was one), but just like with people that are in a relationship you'll find those that aren't happy.

well yes - I'm reading your posts from last night again and in the clear light of day you sound barking - sorry.

Being happy isn't exclusive to single people
Being miserable isn't exclusive to people in relationships.

'deep down if you are honest most of you are in a relationship where one gets their own way more than the other in order to make it work.'

I don't know what you're basing this assertion on. Relationships are very complex things and I don't think anyone can easily make such judgements about others' relationships from the outside.

I probably sometimes look miserable when I'm out with my family but I'm afraid that's because of the kids, not my OH

Can you trust in the idea that others can sort it out for themselves? Either they are happy in their relationship (whether there is an imbalance of 'power' or not), or they are not and they will/are doing something about it?

nicely put FAQ

I compromise more than my dh, i don't mind at all - i tend to be more flexible, am more laid back and have less strong preferences about doing things particular way than him and if we are both happy with the outcome surely thats a good thing

I have no worries about him leaving, he is not selfish and thats not just the way it is, its the dynamic in our relationship because of the types of people we are and it works for us, unlike your experience most of my friends and family are in 'good' relationships - good being working well for them - some of them would not work for me, but that would be judging then by what I would see as a good relationship and it depends so much on the people in it.

I really think this is so subject but subjective there is no right or wrong ... but your opening gambit was sufficiently inflamatory you should expect some people to have a strong response

I probably look quite miserable when out on my own actually - as I like to use the time to myself to plan stuff in my head - and my "I'm deep in intellectual thought" look is a deadly serious one

'Why do people in relationships always think that single people are so ragingly jealous of them?'

Ahh...another sweeping generalisation. Excellent!

'Makes me giggle when my friends and family say soothingly "someone will come along for you, don't worry". Please, no! I have paid my dues.'

OK, no worries! You stay happily single, good for you! I am very happy in my relationship so let's be pleased for each other

Oh go and check the cheese why don't you FAQ?

For anyone who has not read all the posts, now I will sound completely barking. Don't worry am off to lone parents where I "belong".

"Can you trust in the idea that others can sort it out for themselves? Either they are happy in their relationship (whether there is an imbalance of 'power' or not), or they are not and they will/are doing something about it?"

Yes Olifin if course, thats spot on. Just making observations and having a discussion about something that occurred to me yesterday. Believe it or not I say nothing of my thoughts to friends/family in RL, just try to be supportive. It never ends well to say these sort of things. People in relationships get very angry if you have an opinion, expecially when you are a "sad single" .

oh FGS get a bloody grip woman!

Go and tell ALL the Lone parents that they should be blissfully happy and take a leaf out of your book. I'm sure ALL of them will agree with you

And there's no cheese to check - I used the last of it last night for dinner .

I don't want to do that. I am not on a mission to convince everyone to be single. Do what you like, just having a discussion.

yes but it's the only way to be happy isn't it?

for crying out loud

you start a thread basically saying that there's no such thing as a good relationship with 2 happy people in it and expect everyone to agree with you?

You know what - I met quite a few miserable fuckers (single) when I was also single.......

'People in relationships get very angry if you have an opinion, expecially when you are a "sad single"'

Goodness, who are all these 'people in relationships' being all judgey about their single friends? It sounds as though some of your friends are not very nice

Either that or you may have a teensy little chip on your shoulder.

OP you are starting to sound like you have abit of a chip on your shoulder about how people in a relationship view single people

if you could make less broad generalisations

you have got to expect that when you tarnish all people in a relationship as being singlephobe smug marrieds who are secretly desprately unhappy at the compromises they are having to make to keep their selfish men for fear they will be left as sad singles that you are going to get abit of push back

olfin - snap

I don't expect anyone to agree with me at all. Think what you like. I had a good day yesterday, my life is better in general when I am single, it occurred to me that this was the reason so I discussed it. I keep arguing the point because I believe it.

I have no chips, not odd, not barking, not resentful, really I am not. Have just stuck to what I said in my first post and not changed my mind.

Of course relationships involve compromise, but if the personal discomfort generated by compromise is exceeding the benefits of the relationship, you are in the wrong relationship.

Anyway my dc are up now and we are going for another lovely day out today.

Hope you all have a good one too, whether single or in a relationship.

Gah...your DC are only just up? How do ya swing that then? We've been up since 6am Harumph.

i'll attempt to back the OP up here actually.I have a very old and very dear friend who has been with her partner since she was 15-she is now 42 and has a high faluting job where she is responsible for hundreds of staff and writes policyies to be followed by literally thousands of people.
Yet despite the fact she has this responsibility at home she really panders to her dh.Our entire social lives are geared around his life (we can't go out any Tuesday,any thursday,any time that City are at home or on the TV) I personally would expect that if,as a one off,i wanted to go out on a thursday to go to a gig or something i would expect my dh to forgo his 'thursday in the night drinking with his pals' she doesn't insist on it and bitches about it.I resent having to work round him!
she does compromise (but there again he compromises on things for her so maybe that's how it works?)
i personally don't think i compromise any more on anything than my partner,if he has a particularly strong feeling on something then we'll go for his way and vice versa-as we are fundamentally suited and met as adults we can reason with eachother and discuss the other stuff as and when it arises.

Sleepless - in the scenario you give isn't the point that it may work for her, might not be your bag, but if she is happy and it works for her its not a bad relationship, just a different one? Thats my issue with the OP's original contention, different people have different levels of compromise based on what they see as important and thats a very personal thing.

have a nice day sunfleurs

Your friend's situation doesn't sound great to me, sleepless. Personally, I wouldn't be happy with that but each to their own.

Incidentally sunfleur...I had to get up with the DCs this morning 'cause OH needs a lie-in (he honestly does, he works really hard and has had a particularly stressful week so I am trying to be sensitive to his needs) but he enables me to have a lie-in 3 or 4 mornings a week when he gets up with them so that's a compromise that works for us and benefits us both

i get irate on her behalf but it's the status quo and she doesn't seem to mind-it just makes me laugh that when we do a diary session to try and sort dates out she starts it with 'we can't do tuesday,thursday and here's the fixtures list...' as a starting point,wouldn't enter her head to challenge the fact that a third of the year is non negotiable or available to her for a social life...you're right though-each to their own.

I don't think you are odd or bitching or barking. You are just one of many many people who do not seem to seethat their experience is only true for them

You say your opinion has not changed from your OP - but your OP was your very prejudiced version of what you saw. Your subsequent posts simply continue to express the very arrogant view that what seem true for you must therefore be true for most other people. Which is total bollocks.

And you list of people who are unhappy in theirrelationships suggest to me that... er...perhaps your family doesn't do very well at building successful relationships.

Happy marrieds in mine
sister and hubby - nearly 30 years
other sister and hubby -nearly 15 years
brother and wife - 22 years
brother and wife 21 years
All my 7 uncles and aunts married for at least 40 years

me and dh nearly 20 years

but then my mum and dad were incredibly happy for nearly 60 years before he died. So perhaps we have seen what a happy marriage looks like and know how to make it work for both parties.

I think your view is coloured by the fact that you haven't seen many happy relationships within your family.But I think that learning how to compromise works best when you experience it. Learning the love of sharing and supporting each other is best when you have experienced it or witnessed it. I watched my parents care and support each other and do so with joy and tenderness for the whole of my life. Even at the point of my fathers death they were still trying to help each other through that.
It is foolish of you to assume that other families expereiences are therefore all the same as yours