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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that "good" relationships are just so full of compromise that no one ever

210 replies

sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 20:33

actually gets what they want, so no-one is ever actually really happy? And this way of doing things is in fact a one way ticket to low level depression?

Took kids to Drayton Manor Park today. It was brilliant, but the very best bit about it was being able to stay for as long as we wanted go on as many rides as we wanted and not have to get back for some arrangement ex had made and bicker with him about whether ds could go on the "Troublesome Trucks Roller Coaster" for the 4th time. We were just SO happy. I looked around and 80% of the couples I saw were moaning at each other or pulling faces, or just looked like they were having the worst time in the world.

It was my lightbulb moment that I will cling on to if ever I feel like getting involved with anyone again.

OP posts:
Morloth · 24/07/2009 21:38

I don't need to check whether I can do any of those things sunfleur but I do let him know if I am going to be out and he is the same - because we have a child and someone does need to be with him.

LOL at the thought of having to check whether another drink or anything like that was OK. I would think he had lost his mind if he even had an opinion about it. For something like pizza I would of course call him to see what he wanted but if I want pizza then I am having pizza.

The dog thing I would check if it was OK and I would expect the same from him. It is his home to so he gets a say in whether there is a dog in it. That is a compromise for sure, but doesn't necessarily make your sister unhappy not to be able to dogsit for you.

We just groove along I guess, we like the same things, have the same views on parenting and just generally quite like each other. We were best friends for years before we became romantically involved.

Original poster
sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 21:38

"give and take", agreed but someone always "takes" more don't they? If its equal then everyone should be fine but I find a lot of the time it isn't, someone always wants more.

OP posts:
Surfermum · 24/07/2009 21:39

I don't find our relationship to be full of endless compromises though. Maybe that's the thing - when a relationship works, it just works.

Oh hang on ..... I'm a step mum. Now THAT part of our life is full of compromises .

Morloth · 24/07/2009 21:40

sunfleurs "but someone always "takes" more don't they? "

No, not always.

Momdeguerre · 24/07/2009 21:40

I would agree that a relationship where one person is always compromising and the other just controls sounds toxic.

I don't believe that the usual day in day out compromises that couples make to sustain a relationship will inevitably lead to this type of dynamic.

Original poster
sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 21:41

Interesting posts on here. Thinking a lot about this sort of stuff lately since I filed for divorce .

Now going to watch "Twilight" with a glass of wine, get some ideas for a "healthy" relationship .

OP posts:
FAQtothefuture · 24/07/2009 21:43

if I were out with DH and he didn't check if he could have another drink I'd throttle him - I'm in charge of finances at the moment - money is tight - I'd be the one to know whether we could afford another drink out or not

Laquitar · 24/07/2009 21:43

It cant be 'equal' on daily basis.
But can balance up in longer terms i think. It is very tiring if you try to measure it every day.

Morloth · 24/07/2009 21:45

You should play the drinking game. Everytime Bella hurts herself = shot, everytime he has to rescue her = shot, everytime she says something dim = shot.

We tried this with Edward giving intense stares but I threw up early on and thus forfeited.

Hulababy · 24/07/2009 21:45

I don't really get what you mean sunfleur TBH.

I do think your relationship with ex or whoever may have tainted your views of a happy nromal relationship though.

Not all relationships are like that. Some are happy and healthy, from both partner's views.

stainesmassif · 24/07/2009 21:46

it's all relative though, isn't it. dh has started to make dinner 3 nights a week - this is a massive compromise for him as out of his comfort zone. i see it as a simple action requiring little effort. but he needs the recognition for doing something that he genuinely finds challenging (for now)

we also do lots of stuff separately - removing the need for compromise.

i love to go to ikea and watch the couples walk in arm in arm and out the other end in a very different state of mind.

yama · 24/07/2009 21:47

Good question regarding who compromises more.

I haven't a clue.

Judy1234 · 24/07/2009 21:54

Yes but there are plenty who look as miserable as sin most of the time and get at each other constantly. I was at an air port a few months back and a couple came to sit next to me and they didn't haev a nice word to say to each other. You wonder why some of them stay together and at a hotel this week with some of my children we were having fun over dinner, talking, laughing and every other table was a couple in their 50s or older hardly exchanging a single word as if they'd said everything they might ever have to say to each other or hated each other.

ABetaDad · 24/07/2009 21:58

sunfleurs - an interesting thred but the Drayton Manor Park example is really not about compromise. It is about familes going to 'amusement parks' and not enjoyng themselves. I can see why that might happen and we never take the DSs for that reason.

On compromise, well it is true that DW and me compromise. There are a few red lines neither of us can cross but everything else is a negotiation and if one of use feels strongly about something the other backs down. Very few arguements.

However, the upside is love, laughs, fun and companionship. We work together 24/7, hardly ever apart for more than a few hours. It takes lots of compromise to live like that but we like it.

SolidGoldBrass · 24/07/2009 22:14

There are, also, an awful lot of situations where the relationship revolves around what the man wants/needs, because there are still an awful lot of people who think that men simply matter more than women, and that women should adapt themselves to men. Which I think may be what the OP is really getting at.

yama · 24/07/2009 22:16

Xenia - I remember observing the very same about couples in their 50's and older when I was a schoolgirl waitress.

I vowed I wouldn't be the same.

Generally speaking I think most people look miserable in public.

MsHighwater · 24/07/2009 22:20

Sunfleurs, it sounds to me like you are feeling jaded about relationships because of your own experience. Perhaps you are also resenting the fact that your sister is in a relationship and that this is affecting you.

If one partner in a couple never compromises (e.g. agrees to dogsit without consultation or goes and does what he/she wants without ever checking with their partner), then the other one must be compromising all the time. That's not a good or a successful relationship.

It's about communication and negotiation, not permission.

notsoteenagemum · 24/07/2009 22:33

I agree with ABetaDad on the example, DH and I love theme parks but lots of our friends hate them.

In my relationship I suppose the biggest compromises have been on number of children(he's happy with two, I want more. This is the hardest)
and getting married (it took 7 years and two children before he made an honest woman of me)

But then who meets someone and before they fall in loves makes sure that person wants exactly the same thing as they do, and to be honest what I wanted at 17 was definitely not what I want now.

There's always going to be compromises in a relationship I think its more about how a couple deals with them rather than who sacrifices what.

Original poster
sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 22:36

"Perhaps you are also resenting the fact that your sister is in a relationship and that this is affecting you."

Why do people in relationships always think that about people who are not? Like smug marrieds in Bridget Jones, remember them?

I would HATE to be in a relationship like my sister or SIL where they all sit around looking at each other for confirmation before they make a cheese sandwich.

Solidgoldbrass. I think you may be right but then I agree with much of what you post.

ABetaDad Your relationship sounds lovely.

My point though, is that in my experience the success of a relationship depends on how much compromise one of the couple is willing to make. It one doesn't submit, even only slightly, for the majority of the time, it won't last and will be full of conflict.

OP posts:
FAQtothefuture · 24/07/2009 22:39

"I would HATE to be in a relationship like my sister or SIL where they all sit around looking at each other for confirmation before they make a cheese sandwich."

there comes the peril of living as a couple with a very tight budget - yes - DH checks with me before using the cheese in case I've got it earmarked for a meal

FAQtothefuture · 24/07/2009 22:40

of course a relationship were only one person is doing the compromising all the time isn't going to work. That's why all of us with good relationships say we all compromise and don't actually keep tabs

Hulababy · 24/07/2009 22:42

I guess I can't really answer as such then. Have nevr been in a relationship where bth of us haven't be prepared to compromise to an extent, and where we have had equal respect for one another's feelings and opinions.

Original poster
sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 22:45

FAQ - that is totally different, you know what I mean!!!

Out of interest why don't you try keeping tabs, putting aside the tight budget? The results could be interesting.

Hulababy, you are very lucky then. You only have to read on here in the Relationships threads how entitled and unwilling to compromise mainly men people are.

OP posts:
FAQtothefuture · 24/07/2009 22:47

oh I wouldn't like to keep tabs.......I may end up looking like a control freak

Hulababy · 24/07/2009 22:48

Yes, but do remember that generally people posting in Relationships are posting becuase there are problems. Those, and there will be many, who are not having problems simply won't be posting there on the whole.

TBH, most of our friends have good relationships to from what I can gather. We don't really have many that boker, etc. and the ones who did have obvious conflicts that took over haven't lasted.