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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that "good" relationships are just so full of compromise that no one ever

210 replies

sunfleurs · 24/07/2009 20:33

actually gets what they want, so no-one is ever actually really happy? And this way of doing things is in fact a one way ticket to low level depression?

Took kids to Drayton Manor Park today. It was brilliant, but the very best bit about it was being able to stay for as long as we wanted go on as many rides as we wanted and not have to get back for some arrangement ex had made and bicker with him about whether ds could go on the "Troublesome Trucks Roller Coaster" for the 4th time. We were just SO happy. I looked around and 80% of the couples I saw were moaning at each other or pulling faces, or just looked like they were having the worst time in the world.

It was my lightbulb moment that I will cling on to if ever I feel like getting involved with anyone again.

OP posts:
Morloth · 25/07/2009 14:48

You have to think long term MrsChemist.

franch · 25/07/2009 14:54

I actually don't feel either DH or I have to compromise much. We have pretty much the same values and interests - that's why we chose each other. Any compromises we do make are so minor that I can't say I'm particularly aware of them.

No depression (low level or otherwise) here. We've been together 12 years.

Not being smug by the way, just pointing out that long-term relationships can be happy ones

Original poster
sunfleurs · 25/07/2009 15:12

Thanks Hambler .

I can assure you all I am not "barking", not got a "chip on my shoulder", not "resentful" of others in relationships, not "gloomy" and certainly not "arrogant". For me the benefits of relationships do not at the present time outweigh the difficulties. I do not by any means seek to persuade you all to be single as some have said on here.

I like my life, now. I believe that most "good" relationships work because one allows the other to take charge to a certain extent. If both are strong personalities then this may lead to conflict, if one is not so strong then this may lead to low level depression or unhappiness, or from reading this thread, this may just be the way it works for you and your partner may be happy to allow you to be in charge or vice versa. Great stuff. Ime and imo this is not often the case though and I do wonder how many of you saying your are truly happy on here have partners who would completely agree?

I have not said anyone is anything on this thread, just spoken about relationships in general but I have been called a lot of not very nice things and am not the only one making assumptions.

OP posts:
Olifin · 25/07/2009 15:19

hambler, you said:

'I think some people in relationships almost enjoy the low grade misery they provide because it is a repeat of how they grew up.'

I think it's very sad that you have that perception of others' relationships Some of us have been lucky enough to grow up surrounded by strong, happy marriages which inspire us to seek our own happy marriages.

sunfleurs, I love how you suggest that those of us who are happily coupled-up may have partners who are secretly miserable! If that's what you believe, then that's what you believe but unless you are inside another person's relationship, I really don't think you can speculate about how things work between them.

You honestly do sound a bit bitter but you say you aren't and I believe you. It's just a bit unfortunate that your tone suggests otherwise. People who are really happy with their lot don't usually spend too much time looking at what others have and picking holes in it.

Olifin · 25/07/2009 15:20

(But I'm glad you admit that you have made assumptions)

Original poster
sunfleurs · 25/07/2009 15:20

Bitter about what?

OP posts:
pagwatch · 25/07/2009 15:21

yep. DH and I very, very happy. Neither is in charge. I know the same was true for my parents and that they same is true for most of the couples I named on my earlier comment.

DH and i are both quite strong personalities but we work really well together. It isn't that hard actually. I want him to be happy and he wants me to be so. Neither of us are in charge - neither have surpressed ourselves to allow the other a leading role.
Your experience and therefore opinion remains different to mine.
Its just that I am just not telling you how your life is based on my experience

Olifin · 25/07/2009 15:24

About being single.

But you're not, so that's great.

Original poster
sunfleurs · 25/07/2009 15:26

I don't actually care enough about this to keep going with this discussion.

I am glad you are happy Pagwatch and others, its nice to know that some relationships do work.

OP posts:
FAQtothefuture · 25/07/2009 15:28

you're glad Pagwatch is happy........but are still absolutely certain that if she is happy then her DH can't be.................

prettyfly1 · 25/07/2009 15:32

I know lots of happy relationships and lots of unhappy ones. I also know lots of happy relationships that face tough times and unhappy relationships that the sun shines in on occasionally and the only thing they all have in common is how totally different they are. ANY generalisation is going to be crap tbh and I suspect strongly that many many people leaving an awful relationship and div orcing would see what you did as right now that is how you view relationships. OF COURSE people in relationships compromise - good or bad. OF COURSE forced fun centres that cost the earth with hyperactive children can cause stresses but seriously -a rational person would know that that is a snapshop of a much bigger picture of life.

Olifin · 25/07/2009 15:32

Fair enough sunfleurs.

It's all live and let live, isn't it?

I sometimes wonder if single people are a bit lonely but I accept that most of them probably aren't so good for them. I can see lots of advantages to being single but I wouldn't choose it for myself now as I am very happy with the person I am with.

'For me the benefits of relationships do not at the present time outweigh the difficulties'

But all relationships are not the same and some have more benefits than others, obviously, depending on how well-suited the couple are.

Original poster
sunfleurs · 25/07/2009 15:33

What can I say FAQ, its too deeply entrenched .

OP posts:
pagwatch · 25/07/2009 15:33

at FAQ .
so true
Yep. Poor old DH. Miserable as fuck. I must let him know .

Sunfleurs - as long as you and your DCs are happy then you shouldn't worry about anyone else.

Original poster
sunfleurs · 25/07/2009 15:35

I don't "worry" I nosily "wonder about".

OP posts:
Original poster
sunfleurs · 25/07/2009 15:37

"I must let him know", you do know how that sounds don't you pagwatch? .

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 25/07/2009 15:43

Dammit...I was just about to comment

pagwatch · 25/07/2009 15:49

well I know how it sounds to me.
And I am pretty sure I can guess how it sounds to you.

Original poster
sunfleurs · 25/07/2009 15:50

Not at all. It was nice to read about your families relationships. Genuinely.

OP posts:
Olifin · 25/07/2009 15:51

Oooooer. Leather boots, eh?

Well, I think we can all see the benefits in your relationship pagwatch

Mumcentreplus · 25/07/2009 15:51

hahaha Pag Whip?

pagwatch · 25/07/2009 15:52

And can you see what my wagging finger is doing..?

Olifin · 25/07/2009 15:54

STOPPIT!

Mumcentreplus · 25/07/2009 15:55

picking nose?

Habbibu · 25/07/2009 16:07

Well, we work on the principle of being kind to each other. Seems to work pretty well, neither of us are doormats, but we love and like each other very much, and each wants the other to be happy. We say thank you a lot for ordinary stuff like washing the dishes or making dinner, and have a bloody lovely life, for which we are both very grateful. I guess we're sufficiently similar in tastes and outlook for compromise to not feel too onerous.

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